Without first realizing it, last night I was banished to an evening full of UPN shows. America’s Next Top Model and Veronica Mars hit me in the back of the head with a folded up chair while the referee was distracted. That was a dirty trick, UPN.

America’s Next Top Model was first on the plate of TV show dinners, not to be confused with TV dinners. There was no individual pocket of oddly textured brownies here. In its place were models who were trying their best to be their best. Some were succeeding and some were failing horribly.

Gina, namely, was failing horribly. She was acting like the friend who no one invited to a party but shows up anyway and is making vain half-hearted attempts to be fun and confident. The show edits were dealing her a poker hand full of Tarot death cards. She really had no chance when the end of the show came. She was out on her ass.

It was only a tought decision for the judges due to her very high cheek bones. I wish someone would give me the benefit of the doubt due to my bone structure. “He is certainly unqualified, but did you get a load of the femur on him?”

Veronica Mars was a very pleasant surprise, as two cast members from Arrested Development had healthy parts in the episode. Michael Cera played a college tour guide while Alia Shawkat played your average college girl who got raped. Ohhhh. So these guest parts are not going to be all fun and games. Okay then.

This episode focused more on the actual investigation of Veronica Mars and not her dad. I mean, Second Fiddle. That is his name now, since I have not caught his real name in two whole episodes. That does not mean they have not said it. I am just busy trying to keep the blonde girls from getting mixed up in my mind again.

Veronica does not solve the mystery, but she does do some solid sleuthing to get her ex-boyfriend Troy off of the hook. There was some other plot, but it was not really important.

Then, in the last two minutes of the show, they remembered that they had an ongoing storyline that needed some plot progression. A whole bunch of stuff was blurted out, I got confused, and then the show ended. What was all of that then? Explosives again and that Cook guy. I hope next episode has a cook preparing an explosive sort of lamb entree smothered in a mint jelly sauce.

It is my second night of Veronica Mars in a row. You folks must really like the show, or really hate it. Or like me, or hate me.

This show does not seem to pick up where the last episode left off. The biker stabbing case against Logan, the rich prick, has been dropped, and now he is breaking up with blonde girl who is not Veronica Mars.

Michael Cera! George Michael from Arrested Development! Looks like it is just a cameo. Damn shame.

Veronica Mars is touring a college campus for some reason with a bunch of other students from Neptune. Neptune is the name of the town where Mars is from. There were probably plenty of jokes about that the first season, so I will skip it.

Oh yeah, the commercials leading up to this episode kept saying, “It was all fun and games, until someone gets raped.” That will be fun.

Veronica met up with a bad bit of old boyfriend named Troy on the campus tour. Things did not end on the best terms. We are told this from the body language and all the hateful words.

I think I saw Maeby from Arrested Development. What is going on?

Now they are at a big college party and Veronica is dissing some drunk dude. Now there is beer all over him. And some more beer. Awww, Troy stood up for Veronica Mars and then got punched. Then he ran off with Maeby after he got trounced.

My goal is to learn Veronica’s dad’s name for real this episode.

Veronica has gone to the police station to meet up with Troy. This probably has something to do with the rape the commercials talked about so much!

It looks like Veronica’s daddy is the subplot this episode. Some dude he knows got tied up, sexed up, and stolen up. He thought she was a gynecologist. I do not see how that is relevant.

So not only was Maeby the one who was raped, but her head was shaved as well. The shaving will be the culprit’s undoing, says I. Haha, there was hair in a shoebox outside of her door, but it was not her hair. That is some messed up stuff. It is just the right place to put a commercial.

Veronica is doing some good detective work this time. Much more so than last episode. I am a little more impressed this time around. She is sneaking in here, lying and acting there, giving out only so much information way over in that other place. She knows her stuff.

Now Veronica is trapped in a frat basement by some frat guys by a frat scoreboard of frat girls they have frat had sex with frat. I guess she is not trapped.

Veronica found another girl who had the same thing happen to her. While Troy was on the other side of the country. She still has not found out who did it yet. Veronica, you do not have much time! She did get the entire frat put on probation. Just like the farm frat up her in Minnesota. Farm frat. Did you know there was such a thing?

Now Logan is hooking back up with the blonde girl who is not Veronica. He has a private penthouse. Swoon! Hey, there are bad guys coming! With shiny shoes and gloves! Murder?

No, boo, not murder. It was just blonde girl’s dad, who was on an episode of Andy Richter Controls the Universe once. He played an idiot. Now he is serious and threatening. And…blonde girl has been sent off to boarding school. Logan is sad or mad or sleepy about this. I can not tell.

There was some bit about C4 explosives and that Cook guy I do not know and some guy named Danny. And then the show ended. Seems like a bit of, “Oh yeah, we are still moving forward with this other plot that Aric does not understand yet. Do not worry.” They probably did not say that.

Whoops, I forgot to get Veronica’s dad’s name. We will name him Second Fiddle.

It was a night of hour long dramas centered around the ladies. Ladies with the misfortune of having terrible names. Lorelai Gilmore, Rory Gilmore, Veronica Mars. Or Bland, 13, and That One Blonde Girl Not The Other One, as I named them.

From what I can gather, the Gilmore Girls is based in a very small town where everyone is nosey. Bland also has rich parents and has a kid, 13, but is not married. 13 is actually about 19 years old and goes to Yale. It is very hard having rich parents. That is what I have learned from the show.

I would tell them all to go suck a lemon, but that seems like an outdated insult and they are also actors on television so they would not be able to hear me screaming it at them.

Everyone on the show has their own little problems, but I really do not care. You are whining about who gets to pay for your Yale tuition, and I am stuck here working a 9 to 5 job? I can so relate to your privileged world!

Maybe I came in on a particularly prissy episode, but the Gilmore Girls has not won a loyal soldier in their march to put out thousands of DVDs. I am making a note to hit all of my coworkers who watch the Gilmore Girls, and who voted for the Gilmore Girls. Are you guys reading this? Punches are coming your way!

Especially you, Matthew. No man should be watching and enjoying this show! Your first and final mistake was admitting you liked it. Your death will not be swift, my friend.

We now progress to Veronica Mars, which was only made confusing due to my own ignorance. I mixed up Veronica and some other blonde girl until halfway through the show. I finally sleuthed my mistake when they were in two different places at the same time.

There was also a ton of plot. Did anyone ever watch Max Headroom? Do you remember blipverts? They were commercials with a minute of information compacted into something like five seconds. In one episode, someone’s head exploded because of all the information. That is how I felt with the recap at the beginning. I appreciate them catching me up, but how the holy hell am I supposed to grab on to any of that?

Oh yeah, and when you feel the urge to say TMI or Too Much Information, just say Blipvert now. I am making it a thing. You will all follow my thing!

Veronica Mars seemed a little unbalanced to me. Veronica was solving a little mystery in her spare time in between high school classes while her father was trying to solve a big murder conspiracy. As proud as we all were that Veronica solved her little missing bride mystery, it seemed unimportant will all of the big things happening. Murder and sex tapes and bears, oh my. Well, actually, there were no bears. Yet. Unless someone is a bear in disguise. Veronica probably would have figured that out though.

Veronica Mars certainly was not a terrible show like the Gilmore Girls. I would certainly give it another chance. Hopefully my head will be on straight next time and I will be able to tell the difference between the main character and her friend.

Stolen sex tapes. Bike gangs. School buses crashing off of bridges. Blackmail. Mystery. So many names. Holy crap, my head is going to explode from the show recap. This is Veronica Mars. It is already more interesting than the Gilmore Girls, but that is not too hard to accomplish.

Bum fights? Murder? What is this show?

The dialogue and framing of the shots are all pretty good. It is a well made show, from the looks of it.

It is nice when the show is named after the main character. Then I do not have to try so hard to figure out names. I think her name is Veronica Mars. Or something.

There is a bigger ongoing plot concerning a blown up school bus full of kids that crashed into the ocean, but there also seems to be an new subplot every episode. This episode is based around a missing bride. It is time for junior sleuth Veronica Mars to get to the bottom of this.

There is a rich boy who is going to court for murdering a biker. He is the son of an actor who is convicted of murder. Murder murder murder. Lots of murder.

Someone named Cook had a bunch of explosives in an airplane hanger where he kept his cars. Explosives are bad and fun. I do not know who Cook is. Maybe he is an actual cook.

I have a feeling there will be more murder before this episode is over. Maybe I just want murder.

Veronica is dating the rich white boy named Logan. Maybe he will get murdered. Murdered in the eye. That is what you get for organizing and filming Bum Fights.

I am still trying to wrap my head around everything in this show. I might have given up if I were not being forced to watch it. But I am determined to make this work. I will solve Veronica Mars! Or at least learn another name of a main character. Like Veronica’s dad. That is my goal in the next half hour.

Whoops, Veronica is not dating Logan. Her blonde friend is. Two blonde girls. I think that I am going to make me confused. Just like the time I saw LA Confidential. I could not keep anyone straight in that film.

Veronica found the missing bride. Problem solved. She is alive and well, hanging out with her old boyfriend. At least they mystery is all wrapped up…wait a second. There are still 15 minutes left! Maybe they will all get murdered!

Rats, no murder. There is just a groom trying to break up with his bride. His plan did not work too well. Thanks to Veronica. So, there is that.

I guess we are all happy.

Except Logan thinks he has done something horrible! Dot dot dot! The end!