This is the first time I have been forced to watch Simple Life: Till Death Do Us Part. I’ve been doing this for five months, and I have never been forced to watch it! What changed, people? You were doing so good with your voting!

Paris and Nicole must take care of toddlers this week. They will never have children themselves, of course, since they are too skinny to ovulate. Awww, snap! Did you hear that snap, Paris Hilton? You are ugly and similar to a stick!

Paris is trying to get the kids to eat. That’s hard for her, since she doesn’t know how to eat herself. Awww, snap again! You see, you can turn any sentence into a snap, as long as you actually say “snap” after it. It’s a neat trick.

Now Paris must take a bath with the kid, because he is too small to bathe by himself. He did what anyone would do if they were taking a bath with Paris Hilton. He pooped. Snap?

Now is as good a time as ever to tell you that I miss Doctor Who on Fridays. Come back soon, please.

Nicole and Paris must throw the toddlers a party. Paris has decided to throw the boys a princess party. It sounds like the party is really for the boys, and not for her stuck up self.

Oh, Nicole is taking a joyride with daddy on his hog. The kids have been left alone in the house. How can these people be real?

Paris Hilton actually gets uglier in direct proportion to how much makeup she puts on. That’s an anomaly if I have ever heard of one.

Did you know that this show is on for another season? God help us all. Help us all fit this rope around our collective necks.