One Tree Hill = proof that you hate me

The events that shook everything up three episodes ago have now been resolved. So it’s like they didn’t even happen. Way to stick out your neck for a split second, Mr. Turtle. That was really brave of you.

Nate is going to strip to make money this episode. Fast forward an hour and he has decided it isn’t for him. Can I stop watching now?

Did you see the blatant product placement for MusicID from Cingular Wireless? No? I am sorry you are blind and deaf. Please accept my apologies.

Drama! The principal found that some test keys were stolen! These actors sure are teenagers alright.

“Take another pill, Drunkie,” is the best comeback ever. No way to respond to that! Well crafted, One Tree Hill wordsmiths!

Oh no! Nate’s drunk mother is going to OD on oregano!

Nathan stripped to buy his pregnant wife a maternity prom dress. But who hasn’t done that? I’ve had so many pregnant prom wives. But then again, I’m a crazy Mormon with twenty teenage wives.

Remember how I didn’t hate the last episode of One Tree Hill? Want to bet it won’t become a trend?

Lucas survived his heart attack. That one girl survived being hit by a car. Nate’s dad is pleading guilty to Nate’s murder. I don’t know the state of one girl’s baby. I’m turning back to not caring.

The baby is okay. That one girl wants to reach out to the family of the man she doesn’t know her husband killed. Now she knows. He admits it, and immediately demands, “Please, you have to forgive me!” I don’t think it works that way. That’s not your decision to make.

I don’t like commercials that screech at me to get “hairapy.”

The dead bookie actually died in the car crash, so no one was actually beat to death. That’s a cop out! Up yours, One Tree Hill.

I can’t believe there is a half an hour of this show left. I’m hating every minute of it.

The two school hussies were trying to steal a test, but got caught in the school late, so they pretended to be part of the Clean Teen - Virgins for Life group. What a backwards situation! Oh my. Boo on this show.

Here is some wonderfully horrible dialog for you.

One Girl: I can’t.
Nate: Please!
One Girl: I mean, I can’t keep standing on one foot.

How can anyone watch this show on purpose?

One Tree Hill lost the state championship basketball game! They lost the most important thing ever! And now, it’s time to work forwards from one day ago. We know the results, and we will find out how we got there. Sorry, I’m trying to make this show seems somewhat intelligent. Too bad I can’t convince myself.

Ooooo! No theme song tonight! This show just got a million times better! Sure, a million times zero is still zero. But it’s the thought that counts.

Oh no! Cars flying tiny flags are chasing the school bus full of basketball players! I hope it doesn’t run off a bridge into a creek.

The other boys on the basketball team are going to freeze out Nathan so he can’t throw the basketball game. They will try so hard, and meet with tragic consequences. Something beyond just not winning will happen. Probably to Lucas. I think his heart will explode through his face.

This episode of One Tree Hill was blatantly sponsored by Chili’s. Want to know what make me not want Chili’s? One Tree Hill.

It’s half time, with Tree Hill losing, and Whitey gave a sad speech. It’s poor coach Whitey’s last game. Coach Whitey played they greedy guy in Northern Exposure, so it’s easy not to feel bad for him.

And then One Tree won the game. Hold on a second. Something doesn’t add up here.

Oh, I get it. Either they were being tricky or I’m a stupid idiot. Or both. The episode with sad people overdubbed by a broadcast of the Tree Hill team losing. It was a game from 20 years ago that Whitey coached and lost. I hope I wasn’t the only person fooled by that.

It looks like some loan sharks are going to break a few legs now.

ZOMG! Peyton and Lucas are totally together!

ZOMG! The loan shark just ran over Nathan’s pregnant wife. That’s what you get for not throwing the state championship. Then heartless mayor daddy took the blame for beating up and killing the loan shark when Nathan did it. Then Lucas’ heart stopped.

Ah ha. The sad faces from the beginning of the episode were from the end of the episode. This time with a different happy radio broadcast to contrast from the beginning.

That episode was pretty well put together. Yeah, I can admit it. I still hate One Tree Hill, but this was a pretty good one as they go.

One Tree Hill is one of the worst shows on television. Possibly even the worst. I will confirm this fact after I hear the terrible theme song again.

One of the high school basketball players is being blackmailed into throwing the state championship. The people doing the threatening somehow snuck up behind him in their car while he was playing basketball in the park. I will assume he is deaf, and only pretends to understand what people are saying.

Oh no! Someone cheated on someone!

Ack, theme song! This is the worst show on television.

The girls of Tree Hill are holding a banquet for the basketball team before the state championship. Girls are only good for praising boys, after all.

Aww shucks, it’s the coach’s last game! And he really wants to win! Blackmailed guy is so torn! Oh no, the blackmail guys just threatened to break his kneecaps. He is so torn!

Oh no! One girl is screwing over another girl! That is sooooo totally like real life! I totally get this show. It’s like, I AM this show.

The coach’s name is Coach Whitey. Is anyone named Whitey anymore? Sure, there was a Whitey Whitney on Leave it to Beaver. Maybe a few folks in the deep south are still named Whitey.

Basketball guy’s daddy is going to help him out with the blackmailing goons. I hope he breaks their legs. Someone’s legs need to get broken to salvage any bit of entertainment from this show.

No leg breaking for Mr. Mayor. Stupid show. I hate you so much.

Damn it! Here is another terrible season of One Tree Hill. The “kids” in this show are seniors in high school. Oh no, and someone is pregnant! At least it caused a car wreck. You don’t see a limo go off a bridge every day.

Oddly, all of the friends were on their way to the same bridge in different cars. There is lots of screaming and panic. It’s nice. Maybe this show isn’t as bad as I thou….oh, there’s the terrible theme song. Never mind. I hate this show.

A couple of kids keep screaming “Nathan.” I think someone in this show is named Nathan. Unless they are mocking someone with a different name. That would be a little odd.

“Three lives hanging in the balance” at the hospital. If someone doesn’t die this episode, I will be very upset. That isn’t much more upset than usual. You probably won’t notice a difference.

The mayor of Tree Hill murdered someone last season. It is safe to assume that all mayors are murderers. Even if you are wrong, at least you played it safe.

Damn, someone else in the hospital is alive. That only leaves one person “hanging in the balance.”

This show is not making my massive migraine any better. Do not take One Tree Hill as a painkiller.

Someone named Cooper just kicked the bucket. Kicked the bucket?

From WordOrigins.org:

It comes from a sense of bucket meaning a yoke or beam from which something can be hung. The imagery evoked by the phrase is that of an animal being hung up for slaughter, kicking the beam from which it is suspended in its death throes.

Correction, Cooper did not kick the bucket. He just flat lined. He’s back now.

Some relationship stuff happened, like it does in every episode.

No death! What a rip!

Are you ready for one of the worst dramas on TV? I certainly am not. That must mean it’s time for One Tree Hill.

It was a dark and stormy night. I guarantee you, that is how the hack scriptwriter started writing this episode.

There are plenty of “teenage” relationship things going on. Teenage is in quotes because I’m pretty sure everyone in this show is at least 34 years old.

The storm knocked out the power to the whole town. The mayor’s office was informed that the power wouldn’t be fixed from another couple hours. The mayor seems to like that fact. He’s up to something bad. If it’s not murder, I will be sorely disappointed.

Everyone in town has a million decorative candles about their homes. No one in real life has this many candles, let alone everyone.

This show isn’t giving me much of a chance at figuring out characters, when the “kids” look the same as the “adults.”

I wonder how long it would take to choke to death on a broom handle. That would be handy to know, if this show keeps up its terrible pace of twenty boring and uninspired plotlines at the same time.

Here is a neat little fact about me. I am terrible at judging volumes and people’s ages. If I need to put some spaghetti sauce in a Tupperware container, I will always choose one that is too small or way too big. I don’t even try with ages. It’s a lost cause.

Continuity issue! The exterior shot of a house had its outside lights on, but the power is out! Hah ha! Take that, show I hate! I will hold that over you forever!

Could the town of Tree Hill be considered a “hood?” Because then, all the “girls” could be considered hoodrats. They could change the name of the town to Hoodrat Hill. The double “H” sound is catchy, don’t you think?

What a terrible show! What terrible plots! When does a plot become a burial plot? I just thought that up. Do you like it? You can quote that. It is ever so smart and witty.

Oh no, you don’t bring The Replacements into your terrible plot! You leave Paul Westerberg out of this!

Thanks for the welcome back from my two days off with One Tree Hill, jerks.

It is hard to tell if One Tree Hill is worse than 7th Heaven. It seems like you are keen on the idea of me finding that out.

Girlfriend of “waiting for marriage” guy slept with the town ass last episode. Boyfriend walked in on them. Now we get to see the aftermath. Not get to, have to.

How can a show be like The OC, except worse? The OC is pretty bad to start with. This show is like surviving a small twin engine plane crash, and then getting out and falling into a tar pit.

How can all of the girls in school be cheerleaders? Is it part of the “everyone is a winner” mindset that is so popular these days?

It’s the first game day of the season, and everyone is worried about the loose girl missing school. “She lives for the first game day of the season.” That is a noble cause to live for.

Loose girl is feeling bad, so she is eating a whole cake. Why would you write that into the script? How close to the script’s deadline must you be to throw in something so trite?

I don’t care about your high school basketball game, I don’t care about your high school relationships, I don’t care about your high school goals and ambitions. What is left in this show to make me care? The one dimensional parents? Nope.

Why were there signs in my middle school gym that said “No Dunking?” Was that really an issue?

The Ravens lost their first basketball game of the years. This is the saddest day there ever was!

Who knew there were so many loose ends to wrap up? The conclusion to this episode has been going on for five minutes.

Uh oh, I think the show knew I was talking about it. It ended.

Come back tomorrow night to see my heart explode from trying to follow MC Frontalot’s insane schedule!

There has been just enough time since my last viewing of One Tree Hill to forget everything about it.

How could I not have noticed the first time around that One Tree Hill has the worst opening credits song in history?

The show opened with a dream, that turned out to be the dream of a dream, which turned out to be the dream of a dream of a dream. And so on. Enjoy.

The girls of One Tree Hill had a fantasy draft of all the guys in their…high school? I remember being confused because one of the girls had already been married and divorced. High school? At any rate, the guys have forced the girls to take out the guy they drafted, even if they are someone else’s guy.

I know, sometimes this show makes too much sense.

One CW commercial.

Are the writers for this show mainly men or mainly women? They could easily be either. I prefer to think it’s written by 40 year old men who are playing out their high school fantasies when not stalking young girls on MySpace.

The place where the kids who were married and are now divorced and now are going out on a fantasy date, what, was paved over. Their perfect little field of flowers and confusing memories is gone forever. Boo hoo, everyone needs a Walgreens.

When vandalizing a billboard, your ladder will always fall. Get a clue, TV people.

Shouldn’t The Who not be allowed to sell out, since one of their albums is called The Who Sellout? Your minivan seats fold away? What a “Magic Bus!”

Two CW commercials. They certainly aren’t pimping the CW as much as when the Gilmore Girls are on.

Everyone is having a bad time on their dates, then they’re having a good time. What a brilliant reversal! This show is so well written. Also, poison is better for you than vitamins.

Do all WB shows have to try and teach us lessons? Just entertain me, dammit.

Three CW commercials.

Jeez, more lessons. The last 20 minutes have been spent trying to teach us something. What is it? I’ve put on my biohazard protection suit so as not to be infected by this filth. For those of you watching me on the webcam, the biohazard suit is invisible.

You would think that I might have developed Stockholm Syndrome for the WB by now. It hasn’t happened yet.