House, M.D. is sponsored by Bobbi Jo and WQXB Radio.

You Veronica Mars fans are totally being outdone by the House, M.D. fans. That is twice in a row, is it not? You had better get on the ball for tomorrow!

I think House will not solve the mystery disease tonight! If I am wrong, I will eat this chocolate Easter egg! I swear!

Diagnosis, insomnia! The show started out with a girl who could not fall asleep. She ended up taking a whole bottle of sleeping pills, but all she got out of that was bloodying her head against a wall.

How long will it take House to mention something sexual tonight?

We open on House sleeping in his office. If you missed it, that is in direct contrast to what was happening to our mystery girl at the beginning.

The girl has been awake for 10 days. The longest someone has stayed awake without dying is 11 days. I might have gotten that wrong. People talk kind of fast here.

Opposite Little Nemo girl sleeps for about 10 seconds to 1 minute at a time. The brain does not remember if you fall asleep in stage one sleep something. Let us just say, the first stage of sleep. Anyway, she does not believe she has been falling asleep.

Now there is rectal bleeding. Damn it! 2 out of 3 episodes of House, M.D. have rectal bleeding. Is it really as common as they make it seem?

“I need you to relax your anus.” That was not even an astrology joke!

Oh no! Now she started squirting blood out of her mouth or nose. There are too many holes up there to count.

Did you know there are other characters on this show? That is right, there are people who are not House on House, M.D. These characters do not interest me. They are fodder for House’s attitude.

Did I forget to mention that the girl is a lesbian? House would never forget something like that.

Now the sleepless wonder has severe internal bleeding and her liver is dead. What a bad day for this girl! Now her girlfriend, who she wants to break up with, is offering part of her liver to her. We have all had days like this before. I remember one time, I totally forgot my lunch at home! That was a bad day!

There is a whole lot of talking going on. It is about ethics. Let us get to the exciting stuff.

Ooooo, House just got called out by one of the supporting cast members. He got a barb in there, but he was almost put in his place! Be careful, House! Keep on your toes! Boxers are always dancing around each other. Never stop dancing, House. Never stop dancing!

There are a few minutes left, and the supporting cast is throwing out a large list of long words that the disease is not. House thinks he found the answer. The black plague! The plague was in another TV show I watched about two weeks ago. It is making the TV show rounds, just like the bird flu will in a year’s time. Every single show will have a bird flu case. Even sitcoms. Wait and see!

Case solved! Supporting characters talking. Zoning out. Eyes closing. This girl’s lack of sleep is making me sleepy. Everyone, get yourself a little shut eye tonight. If you are going to break up with anyone, do it before you go to sleep too. No use putting it off.

Goodnight!

House, M.D. is sponsored by Melissa Leach, who does not have Tivo and has to work tonight. I’ll take good notes for you, Melissa. I will be a human VCR> Here is the first note, before I even watch the show. House is being grumpy!

Veronica Mars was winning the popular vote, but Melissa swooped in and sponsored House, M.D. out from under them. You will have a lot of Veronica Mars fans angry at you, Melissa. I hope you are aware.

Right now a lady inside a giant heart is having some problem with her baby. She started bleeding out of holes. She was also in a giant heart. Did I say that? She was. Time to call in House. I would like to see an actual talking house solve mysteries. That is what Disney movies are for, I guess.

House it talking about primate genitals. We start right off with the sex talk. Parents are not going to make the mistake of letting their children see this show. House is talking about this at a poker table in a casino. That would throw anybody off their game.
It appears the problem was not the pregnant woman in the giant heart. It was a little boy with bloody diarrhea. Who was in a giant heart. With the woman. Ooo, this is going to be one of those fun and happy hours of television that I hear so much about. I do not think Pepto-Bismol will resolve this case.

A lot of the doctors do not have faith in House. They think it is just food poisoning. They are probably right.

Do they not know they are on a TV show? House is always right!

Haha, hot shot! The kid has brown urine! House was right! Brown urine can make very few people happy. If you find someone that is okay with it, hold on to them tightly.

They are throwing a lot of possible solutions to the bloody poo kid’s problem. They could be making up words for all I know. Medical terms and jibba jabba. Everything is plausible if you use large words. It is obviloculous to think otherwise.

I like to pretend that the hospital where House works is suspended in space. It is also orbiting a planet that has not figured out space travel yet.

Hey, everyone! Go out and by a Motorola phone! House demands it!

House has a list of symptoms from a previous patient that ended up in dead. This kid has the same thing, so they are trying new things. The symptoms progress in a downward spiral. It looks like the new things they have tried skipped the kid a little more quickly down the spiral. Whoops! Do not worry, there is still half an hour left.

Again with the big words. They are solving things. From my House timeline, they will solve the problem. But it will not be solved, but then they will solve it for real. We will see if they skip ahead on my timeline, like they did with the kid’s symptoms.

Time for the special effects of being inside veins accompanied by big words.

The webcam likes to capture me a lot when I am blinking. If you think I am sleeping, I am not. I never sleep.

The kid almost died. His heart stopped for a good 8 minutes. House still wants to do some crazy stuff with him. There will be no time to be wrong and then right. They will only have time to be right. Unless they are wrong! Could House not solve the mystery?

This show is just one big advertisement for white boards. There are no white board outlets near by though! Where am I going to get a white board at this late hour?

Big words! They all end in -osis though. Maybe if I started with just that bit. -osis mean “a diseased or abnormal condition.” Well, damn. That just describes the whole show. They should call the show Houseosis.

Uh oh, House’s roommate is telling him a poker story. House is going to use it as a metaphor to cure the kid.

Bing, I called it! I could write this show. If I had a larger vocabulary, that is.

Do you think everyone gets a little tired of House being right all the time? They might just be happy to save lives, but it would piss me off something awful.

And now House it talking about penises again. We have come full circle. Good night!

There have been a lot of WB shows on in my home over last two week. Assuming the best of all people, I will presume that you simply want to document for posterity’s sake the final days of the WB before it turns into the CW. That is awfully considerate of you. Garth Ancier would be very proud of you.

On to the terrible Gilmore Girls. Maybe there should not be such a strong adjective right away in the second paragraph. I should use a good adjective starting with a “T” to make up for my sudden attack.

Last night, I watched the terrific Gilmore Girls. Rats, I can not lie. It was terrible. 13 got back with NGAH, Bland dealt with Gruffy and her rich parents, and there was another subplot about writing a song. Sorry, Gilmore Girls. There can only be one show per week where people write a song, and The Apprentice beat you to the punch.

This episode was filled with people making bad decisions and bickering over nothing.

Bland also owns an inn, I think. I can not be sure about this, as it was not even mentioned in the episode I saw last week.

Let us all put the Gilmore Girls behind us. Until next week, of course, where I predict the show will be forced upon me again.

On to better shows, my only ever viewing of House, M.D. was good. Television curmudgeons are lovable. Wow, I spelled “curmudgeons” right on the first try.

House is a very grumpy, smart, and grumpy. Did I say grumpy twice? He is really grumpy. He thinks he is better than everyone else, which is true from what I can tell. He also has a higher voice than I thought he would. I was expecting Tom Waits to come out of his mouth, but instead I got Jerry Lewis. Odd.

Having only seen one episode of this show, I can not say this with any certainty. That has never stopped me from saying anything before. House, M.D. seems like a one trick pony. It would appear that every episode is the same. Stop me if I am wrong.

1. Someone comes down with a mysterious illness
2. The doctors think they have solved the problem
3. The patient gets worse
4. House figures out the answer
5. The patient gets worse
6. House figures out the real answer
7. The End

Sound about right? It would be fantastic if every episode did not follow that formula, and it very well may not. If it does, boring!

All of that being said, I enjoyed my time with House, M.D.

I switched computers so that I am in front of the big TV now, and I have caught the beginning of House, M.D. This is another show I have never seen before. I will assume that every episode starts off with someone coming down with a mysterious illness. Like how someone dies at the beginning of every Six Feet Under.

House seems grumpy. I can relate to him. House already sounds like a nickname. I will have to give him a different nickname.

The mysterious illness this episode is some allergic reaction that occurred around nothing that could cause a reaction. House thinks people are lying. He thinks everyone is lying.

Teenage boyfriend is lying. House was right about somebody lying. Teenage boyfriend snuck into mystery sickness girl’s clean room at night and did the deed with her. You know, when a lady and a fella lay down together?

Fella was taking penicillin for fun. For fun? Anyway, she is allergic to it, and it transferred through his fun boy juice. Oh, but she is having another reaction with no fun boy stuff in her. So House must always be wrong the first couple of times per episode.

House has a white board and he is trying to solve the problem. He also has a cane. House is a few steps away from being a pimp. I wonder if he has ever broken some bitch’s arm because she would not pay him.

House is living with some guy at the moment. He made him sit on the apartment stoop while he pleasured himself inside the apartment. This show has some serious issues with sex.

Now there is a commercial on about genital herpes. Excellent.

This show is great because I only have to remember one name. House! It is best if you say it like Haaauuuuse! Shaking your fist in the air is fun too.

There were just a bunch of computer graphics explaining a medical procedure. I do not understand the procedure, but it sure was pretty.

Just looked at the webcam. My mouth is hanging open and I look like an idiot. I must remember to shut my mouth and smile more. Creepy. House just said, “Everything sucks, might as well find something to smile about.” House is listening to my thoughts! Or just reading this blog.

Remember the girl at the beginning who this whole show is about? She is getting worse. No surprise there. House will find the solution. No worries.

Yep, House solved everything. It was a pretty good show, but I do not see why I would keep coming back to it week after week. Hooray for House, M.D.