Biff Tannen is the pit chief or whatever you call them for a drag racer with issues. Is anyone home, McFly? It’s heatstroke! Of course, it is infinitely more complex.

This season, Dr. House is trying to hire a new crew. He is testing a whole classroom out. But that doesn’t matter nearly as much as what is wrong with the drag racer. No matter what crazy plot goes on between the classroom, you can still focus on the patient with the problem.

Coach Ben Fredricks is seriously worried about his daughter, but never you mind that. House is helping the CIA for some reason. Unmarked helicopters and everything. They are trying to figure out why a 180 pound man now looks like a zombie. They figure an assassination attempt. Zombies are, technically, the undead.

Back to the spawn of Tom Wilson, she can’t feel her legs. That will make driving cars more than a little difficult. I would set up a Rube Goldberg machine to drive the car. Lighting a candle would burn a string the brings a chestnut down in front of a squirrel in a wheel that turns on a light bulb which attracts and kills 10 ounces of bugs that sets off a scale which then turns the car right. Stepping on the gas is something way more complicated.

The race car driver has polio. There hasn’t been a case in the US for 20 years. And now there has been. Well, a fictional one. But that’s as good as real, right?

Both sets of doctors are trying experimental treatments. I imagine one will fail and the other will succeed. Actually, I’ll change that to both failing. High doses of vitamin C curing polio?

Looks like I was wrong. I still maintain that high doses of vitamin C is good for nothing. I’ll stick to my water that vibrates at healing frequencies, thank you very much.

Haha. I was right! She didn’t have polio. She was poisoned by the guy who wants to cure polio in undeveloped countries. He faked polio in her. Vitamin C, pfah. This vibrating water is so good.

Also, CIA doctor wants to join House’s team. There is a little more plot for you next episode.

Crazy man had a cockroach in his ear. It was biting him. Maybe it was a zombie cockroach! It wanted brains!

Oddly enough, House doesn’t have a case yet. Clinic duty is the case this episode. This is a fine departure from the standard formula. We get to dive a little more deeply into House’s brain.

There are a couple of patients. House is dealing with a rape victim who wants to be seen only by House. Cameron is treating a homeless man with an inoperable tumor. Now that House isn’t under investigation by the police, they must need a new sub plot.

The raped girl just wants to talk. Life is just a series of rooms, or something like that. And who you get stuck in those rooms with is what matters.

And now House has to tell her that she’s pregnant.

If there are no answers, why talk about it? House is so right and so wrong. He likes facts, but not personal conversation.

Now they’re talking about God and not God. This is pretty heavy for a Tuesday. And so far away from funny Thursday.

The starts off with a fireman by a blazing fire who collapses because he is freezing. Hey, did House agree to go into treatment at the end of last episode? Hold on, it’s coming to me. Okay, he tried to go to treatment and make a deal with the cop. But House was past the time alloted for the deal. I think we’re on pretty even footing now. We should continue forward.

House plead not guilty to, ummmmm, pill illegal takey take. You know, if you want to get all technical.

The patient is now seeing blue. I can see blue too! I’m totally sick! Now they think he has menopause. Ummmm. Maybe I’m not sick.

House checked himself into rehab so he looks like crap for his trial. That House is a smarty. Oh, but he has to accept God in step 2. You know, because there is no such thing as free will.

Blue seeing menopause heart attack guy is having heart attacks when he is near his partner. I have heart attacks when I’m near clams. It’s weird.

Blue man, with his high estrogen levels, is having heart attacks because he is in love with his partner who is engaged to his brother. The solution, electroshock therapy! What becomes of the broken hearted? Now we know.

The electroshock therapy would erase all of his memories. Not just of his lady crush. It’s Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind with no ending of hope.

The guy’s brother wasn’t engaged to the girl. Some spinal thingy was lowering blood flow to the brain and creating false memories.

Everything was solved everywhere. Hooray House.

Wilson ratted on House last episode, so the cops are on him about his pain pill popping. He can go to rehab or jail. “Your principals or your life.” Wow, this is just like The Fountainhead.

House has a sick dwarf as his patient this episode. And it Christmas. So bring along your bag of insensitivity! We’re going in!

Until House accepts the NARC’s deal for treatment, he can’t practice medicine and he is not being given any pain medication. Really, can a dead muscle be any more painful the the dark pit of the human soul?

Wow, sad. I should give out a few warm fuzzies.

The dwarf girl just spit up blood. Blood should never come out of the mouth. Eyes, yes. Mouth, never.

House is getting desperate. He is going to other clinics to trick them into giving him drugs. It isn’t working out so well. It’s not like Halloween. Then you can get tons of different drugs handed out by clinics. Just make sure your costume is something adorable.

Now House just tried to steal drugs from a dead man. He’s no David Blaine! Street magic!

The dwarf was cured. Then blood started coming out of everywhere. Including the mouth!

The girl isn’t a dwarf, and House cured her. She’s also cured of being a dwarf. House must be riding a huge high….oh, he tried to kill himself. Nevermind.

House got thrown into the slammer at the end of the last episode. Also, the fat guy has low cholesterol and regular blood sugar levels. Why the coma? Why not the coma? Sounds like a nice break from reality.

The 600 pound man came out of his coma while his head was stuck in an MRI machine that is only built to withstand 450 pounds. What happens when a 600 pound man starts freaking out in a one million dollar machine that isn’t designed to hold him? Remember when the Titanic hit that 600 pound plus iceberg? It’s a little like that.

Awake and alert, the fat guy wants to go home. Wait, can I call him fat? I know he is 600 pounds, but is it the ratio of his weight to the average weight that defines him as fat? How white can do I need to be before it is okay to call me “cracker?” Heck, you can do it now. Who am I kidding?

Not one to take a wheelchair all the way to the curb, fatty got up and started walking out while still in the hospital. Then he fell through a window with Cameron. That is not a euphemism. But it will be now. “Sorry, gents. Can’t stay out at the pub any longer. I need to get home and ride the fat man through the window.” Yeah, this is going to catch on.

Remember that Titanic example I used early? Think of that iceberg having brain surgery and freaking out in the middle of it. That sounds like the beginning of a demented children’s story. It will teach kids not to freak out during brain surgery.

Turns out the now blind fat man has lung cancer which caused his coma and blindness. That isn’t a happy ending. Also, House is in trouble with the law. That was a subplot. It was interesting, but not as noteworthy as the large man.

The patient this episodes drives his electric wheelchair into the deep end of his swimming pool at a pool party.

It’s a shame that we have seen House running pain-free in every single promo leading up to this episode. It would be nice if it was a surprise. Like Mini Me in Austin Powers. How hilarious would that revelation have been if you didn’t know it was coming.

That being said, my wife was shocked that House was running.

House has taken two cases, the diving wheelchair fella and a yoga girl who became a paraplegic with no visible spinal damage.

Doctor House is still grumpy and sarcastic, but he’s being a little nicer to his patients. Except the ones who are faking their paralysis. Those he burns. No fooling, boys and girls. It’s the old witch test.

Oh yeah, House didn’t die. You know, since he got shot last season. I just wanted to make sure you knew. You were probably concerned. After all, zombies can jog. They can probably treat patients with hostility too. They make great brain surgeons though.

The faking yoga girl isn’t faking it. She has blood in her heart. Or something more dramatic. It looked like blood. I like blood on my toast in the morning. Or strawberry jelly. Whatever it is, it’s red.

They yoga girl had scurvy. Scurvy! How do I love this show? Let me count the ways. Pirates. There’s more, but that’s a big point.

Now the wheelchair bound vegetable is trying to talk. House has his hands full this episode. Heck, he even asked out Cameron.

House even tried to be a sk8r, right before his leg started to hurt a little.

House’s meetings with his co-workers are taking place outside, where there is sun and laughter and trees made of candy. He is still trying to kill his patients though. So much for some sort of environment based mood disorder to explain his grump.

Everyone in the hospital learns that, yet again, House is always right. But he doesn’t know he cured his patient. Wilson wants it kept a secret, so House doesn’t become even mightier than he already is.

And thus, House falls back into taking pain killing drugs. Oh Wilson, what happened to you? You are more than a volleyball.

My video software is all herky jerky for some reason. I restarted my computer, but it’s still having a seizure. Now I can be like House. I need to where what the problem is. It is probably a clot in the computer’s brain.

House got shot, the whole thing is a dream, there is a guy with a tongue the size of a zucchini is exploding every which way, you know the drill.

I think the problem was a full hard drive. Maybe if I clear away some of these Good Eats episodes. Time for a hard drive biopsy.

Damn, still problems. Come on computer. I didn’t do anything weird to you. Why you gotta be like that?

Oh no! Here comes the ball exploding! Everyone cover your eyes.

I cleared up files on my hard drive, computer! That was clearly the problem. Do you need a bandage? House, help me out here! Wait, you are shot. You are no help at all.

Wait a second, all of this is probably a hallucination! Too many things don’t make sense! Computers just don’t randomly crap out. Snap out of this haze, Aric!

Nuts to this. If I keep watching TV as it keeps freezing, I’m going to throw up. I’ll try and get it fixed for tomorrow, boys and girls. Sorry about that.

House is treating a fellow with a swollen tongue…oh no! House just got shot! I thought this was a rerun. Looks like we are at the beginning of a season thrill-nale. Thrill-nally. Fin-thrill-ality. I can’t think of a good made up word, so we’ll stick with season finale.

The fellow who shot House is a former patient. I am not recalling this. Even if I had seen an episode with this patient, I can assure you I would not remember it. No, the former patient stated his relationship very plainly.

House is alive, and he’s still trying to solve the swollen tongue guy’s problem. This is bugging me because my tongue has been all sensitive and bumpy today. Maybe the show is trying to tell me something. Is my tongue trying to kill me?

The shooter wanted to see House live so he would suffer. In response to this, House shut off the shooter’s morphine. House is one bad mama jama.

Okay, the story went like this. Man wife sick. Man admit affair to House. Affair not help with diagnosis. House cure wife. Wife learn about affair from House. Wife kill self. Man shoot House. Caught up? Good. The tongue guy’s eye just popped out because too much blood built up behind it. Can’t say I was expecting that.

When they opened House up, they messed with some brain slash light coma stuff to cure his pain. He’s walking without a cane, his stitches don’t bother him, and he is seeing people that aren’t there. Whoops, that’s a side effect.

This is the grossest episode of House, M.D. ever. When they ask the post-op swollen tongue eye popped guy if he can urinate, you know something bad is going to happen. So he starts yelling, “Athmameang,” which means “It’s swelling.” Doctor goes down to take a look. Blood filled scrotum explodes in doctor’s face. It is almost like it is some elaborate prank. They should sell it in joke stores. I have cringed so many times this episode!

House is certainly losing his mind. None of us can be sure that anything we have seen so far is real. Hopefully that means blood ball explosions aren’t real either. That would ease my attempts to sleep tonight.

Whew, it was all a fever dream or something. House beat his own mind and regained consciousness. But he is also still very much shot. Oh House, I bet you’re grumpy about being shot.

You Veronica Mars fans are totally being outdone by the House, M.D. fans. That is twice in a row, is it not? You had better get on the ball for tomorrow!

I think House will not solve the mystery disease tonight! If I am wrong, I will eat this chocolate Easter egg! I swear!

Diagnosis, insomnia! The show started out with a girl who could not fall asleep. She ended up taking a whole bottle of sleeping pills, but all she got out of that was bloodying her head against a wall.

How long will it take House to mention something sexual tonight?

We open on House sleeping in his office. If you missed it, that is in direct contrast to what was happening to our mystery girl at the beginning.

The girl has been awake for 10 days. The longest someone has stayed awake without dying is 11 days. I might have gotten that wrong. People talk kind of fast here.

Opposite Little Nemo girl sleeps for about 10 seconds to 1 minute at a time. The brain does not remember if you fall asleep in stage one sleep something. Let us just say, the first stage of sleep. Anyway, she does not believe she has been falling asleep.

Now there is rectal bleeding. Damn it! 2 out of 3 episodes of House, M.D. have rectal bleeding. Is it really as common as they make it seem?

“I need you to relax your anus.” That was not even an astrology joke!

Oh no! Now she started squirting blood out of her mouth or nose. There are too many holes up there to count.

Did you know there are other characters on this show? That is right, there are people who are not House on House, M.D. These characters do not interest me. They are fodder for House’s attitude.

Did I forget to mention that the girl is a lesbian? House would never forget something like that.

Now the sleepless wonder has severe internal bleeding and her liver is dead. What a bad day for this girl! Now her girlfriend, who she wants to break up with, is offering part of her liver to her. We have all had days like this before. I remember one time, I totally forgot my lunch at home! That was a bad day!

There is a whole lot of talking going on. It is about ethics. Let us get to the exciting stuff.

Ooooo, House just got called out by one of the supporting cast members. He got a barb in there, but he was almost put in his place! Be careful, House! Keep on your toes! Boxers are always dancing around each other. Never stop dancing, House. Never stop dancing!

There are a few minutes left, and the supporting cast is throwing out a large list of long words that the disease is not. House thinks he found the answer. The black plague! The plague was in another TV show I watched about two weeks ago. It is making the TV show rounds, just like the bird flu will in a year’s time. Every single show will have a bird flu case. Even sitcoms. Wait and see!

Case solved! Supporting characters talking. Zoning out. Eyes closing. This girl’s lack of sleep is making me sleepy. Everyone, get yourself a little shut eye tonight. If you are going to break up with anyone, do it before you go to sleep too. No use putting it off.

Goodnight!

Veronica Mars was winning the popular vote, but Melissa swooped in and sponsored House, M.D. out from under them. You will have a lot of Veronica Mars fans angry at you, Melissa. I hope you are aware.

Right now a lady inside a giant heart is having some problem with her baby. She started bleeding out of holes. She was also in a giant heart. Did I say that? She was. Time to call in House. I would like to see an actual talking house solve mysteries. That is what Disney movies are for, I guess.

House it talking about primate genitals. We start right off with the sex talk. Parents are not going to make the mistake of letting their children see this show. House is talking about this at a poker table in a casino. That would throw anybody off their game.
It appears the problem was not the pregnant woman in the giant heart. It was a little boy with bloody diarrhea. Who was in a giant heart. With the woman. Ooo, this is going to be one of those fun and happy hours of television that I hear so much about. I do not think Pepto-Bismol will resolve this case.

A lot of the doctors do not have faith in House. They think it is just food poisoning. They are probably right.

Do they not know they are on a TV show? House is always right!

Haha, hot shot! The kid has brown urine! House was right! Brown urine can make very few people happy. If you find someone that is okay with it, hold on to them tightly.

They are throwing a lot of possible solutions to the bloody poo kid’s problem. They could be making up words for all I know. Medical terms and jibba jabba. Everything is plausible if you use large words. It is obviloculous to think otherwise.

I like to pretend that the hospital where House works is suspended in space. It is also orbiting a planet that has not figured out space travel yet.

Hey, everyone! Go out and by a Motorola phone! House demands it!

House has a list of symptoms from a previous patient that ended up in dead. This kid has the same thing, so they are trying new things. The symptoms progress in a downward spiral. It looks like the new things they have tried skipped the kid a little more quickly down the spiral. Whoops! Do not worry, there is still half an hour left.

Again with the big words. They are solving things. From my House timeline, they will solve the problem. But it will not be solved, but then they will solve it for real. We will see if they skip ahead on my timeline, like they did with the kid’s symptoms.

Time for the special effects of being inside veins accompanied by big words.

The webcam likes to capture me a lot when I am blinking. If you think I am sleeping, I am not. I never sleep.

The kid almost died. His heart stopped for a good 8 minutes. House still wants to do some crazy stuff with him. There will be no time to be wrong and then right. They will only have time to be right. Unless they are wrong! Could House not solve the mystery?

This show is just one big advertisement for white boards. There are no white board outlets near by though! Where am I going to get a white board at this late hour?

Big words! They all end in -osis though. Maybe if I started with just that bit. -osis mean “a diseased or abnormal condition.” Well, damn. That just describes the whole show. They should call the show Houseosis.

Uh oh, House’s roommate is telling him a poker story. House is going to use it as a metaphor to cure the kid.

Bing, I called it! I could write this show. If I had a larger vocabulary, that is.

Do you think everyone gets a little tired of House being right all the time? They might just be happy to save lives, but it would piss me off something awful.

And now House it talking about penises again. We have come full circle. Good night!

On to the terrible Gilmore Girls. Maybe there should not be such a strong adjective right away in the second paragraph. I should use a good adjective starting with a “T” to make up for my sudden attack.

Last night, I watched the terrific Gilmore Girls. Rats, I can not lie. It was terrible. 13 got back with NGAH, Bland dealt with Gruffy and her rich parents, and there was another subplot about writing a song. Sorry, Gilmore Girls. There can only be one show per week where people write a song, and The Apprentice beat you to the punch.

This episode was filled with people making bad decisions and bickering over nothing.

Bland also owns an inn, I think. I can not be sure about this, as it was not even mentioned in the episode I saw last week.

Let us all put the Gilmore Girls behind us. Until next week, of course, where I predict the show will be forced upon me again.

On to better shows, my only ever viewing of House, M.D. was good. Television curmudgeons are lovable. Wow, I spelled “curmudgeons” right on the first try.

House is a very grumpy, smart, and grumpy. Did I say grumpy twice? He is really grumpy. He thinks he is better than everyone else, which is true from what I can tell. He also has a higher voice than I thought he would. I was expecting Tom Waits to come out of his mouth, but instead I got Jerry Lewis. Odd.

Having only seen one episode of this show, I can not say this with any certainty. That has never stopped me from saying anything before. House, M.D. seems like a one trick pony. It would appear that every episode is the same. Stop me if I am wrong.

1. Someone comes down with a mysterious illness
2. The doctors think they have solved the problem
3. The patient gets worse
4. House figures out the answer
5. The patient gets worse
6. House figures out the real answer
7. The End

Sound about right? It would be fantastic if every episode did not follow that formula, and it very well may not. If it does, boring!

All of that being said, I enjoyed my time with House, M.D.

House seems grumpy. I can relate to him. House already sounds like a nickname. I will have to give him a different nickname.

The mysterious illness this episode is some allergic reaction that occurred around nothing that could cause a reaction. House thinks people are lying. He thinks everyone is lying.

Teenage boyfriend is lying. House was right about somebody lying. Teenage boyfriend snuck into mystery sickness girl’s clean room at night and did the deed with her. You know, when a lady and a fella lay down together?

Fella was taking penicillin for fun. For fun? Anyway, she is allergic to it, and it transferred through his fun boy juice. Oh, but she is having another reaction with no fun boy stuff in her. So House must always be wrong the first couple of times per episode.

House has a white board and he is trying to solve the problem. He also has a cane. House is a few steps away from being a pimp. I wonder if he has ever broken some bitch’s arm because she would not pay him.

House is living with some guy at the moment. He made him sit on the apartment stoop while he pleasured himself inside the apartment. This show has some serious issues with sex.

Now there is a commercial on about genital herpes. Excellent.

This show is great because I only have to remember one name. House! It is best if you say it like Haaauuuuse! Shaking your fist in the air is fun too.

There were just a bunch of computer graphics explaining a medical procedure. I do not understand the procedure, but it sure was pretty.

Just looked at the webcam. My mouth is hanging open and I look like an idiot. I must remember to shut my mouth and smile more. Creepy. House just said, “Everything sucks, might as well find something to smile about.” House is listening to my thoughts! Or just reading this blog.

Remember the girl at the beginning who this whole show is about? She is getting worse. No surprise there. House will find the solution. No worries.

Yep, House solved everything. It was a pretty good show, but I do not see why I would keep coming back to it week after week. Hooray for House, M.D.