Because you hate me, here comes another episode of the Gilmore Girls. I also need to brace myself for a night full of the CW commercials. I don’t know how they can cram one commercial full of so many terrible shows.

It is funny, I can actually feel the vomit rise in my throat every second I watch this show. Bland has to go to her daughter’s journalism meeting or conference or something. Bland is still not comfortable with Gruffy, her fiancé, suddenly having a daughter.

I’m already very bored. How long until I start the Gilmore Girls fan fiction? It can’t be long now.

1 CW commercial.

13, Bland’s daughter, is busy being editor or something of her college newspaper. One of her reporters is grumpy. Yeah, that is a plot I really care about.

Boring shows should refrain from making their characters say the word “bored.” Everyone who isn’t already aware of how boring the show is, will all of a sudden go “Oh yeah! That’s what I am! Bored!” Then they turn off the TV and find a cure for AIDS. Actually, scratch all that. Tell everyone how boring you are, TV shows.

13 is actually part of a grand college panel about journalism. One of the panelists is wearing a bow tie. Bow ties need to make a comeback. We all need to look a little more dapper.

Nothing gets me quite as excited as when rich people talk about how tough it is to find the right private school.

Another bat mitzvah? That’s one a night for the last two nights on the WB. Is this a conspiracy?

13′s boyfriend’s sister is getting married today. The bridesmaids and bride and now 13 are getting drunk on Champaign. That’s probably a good idea. What is better than slurring your vows? Vows and vowels.

Uh oh, turns out all of the bridesmaids hooked up with 13′s boyfriend. That is too bad for all of us, since we have to hear a lot about “emotions” now.

2 CW commercials.

Someone just broke up with someone. I don’t care enough to even write down their names.

Some other people I haven’t been paying attention to just got engaged. I can only fake an interest in so many subplots at a time.

3 CW commercials.

13 and a Munchkin just got drunk after they both broke up with their significant others. Then Munchkin tried to make out with 13. She wasn’t about to have any of that. Who wouldn’t want to make out with a very short man? Everyone could use a little lower back pain.

Maybe you guys didn’t get the memo, but Gilmore Girls had its season finale last week. I know, one episode seems the same as the next. But really, there was an end. There is no need to keep voting for reruns of this horrible TV show.

Lorelai just proposed to Luke. This is just like the fan fiction I wrote. Okay, maybe I didn’t write any Gilmore Girls fan fiction. Until now!

Why Do I Keep Exploding?
A Gilmore Girls Fan Fiction by Aric McKeown

The morning sun was floating through the blinds at the quaint Dragonfly Inn. Lorelai Gilmore was fast asleep in a chair, having worked late into the night. It was not easy running an inn located in a small Connecticut town. The sun fell directly on Lorelai’s eyelids, gently waking her like the kiss of an angel. Lorelai’s eyes fluttered like the wings of a newly emerged butterfly. “Mmmm, morning already,” Lorelai asked as she gently stretch.

That is when Lorelai suddenly exploded in a burst of flames! Luke, who had been helping Lorelai the previous night, had passed out in a drunken haze the night before. The explosion shook Luke to his bones, waking him from his alcohol fueled slumber. “Whuzza,” muttered Luke. His brain hadn’t gotten the chance to inform him that he was awake yet.

When Luke finally got to his feet, Lorelai was back sitting in her chair. She had a look of terrible pain and fear on her face. “Is everything okay, babe,” asked Luke. Lorelai hated it when Luke called her “babe.”

“I am certainly not okay. I just exploded. I exploded! Who explodes? That doesn’t make any sense. I mean, I’ve seen explosions before. Who hasn’t seen an explosion? I knew they existed. It’s not like I am in a little bubble that is blind to the knowledge that things explode. But I just exploded,” rambled Lorelai. She seemed more upset than she actually was, as she always rambled like a mental patient.

“I…don’t understand,” was all that Luke could manage to say. Then, without warning, Lorelai exploded in a violent display of human innards. Her organs burst all over the place, mostly landing on Luke.

Luke didn’t seem to notice. If it wasn’t bacon and black coffee, Luke wasn’t too interested at this point.

Like ants returning to an anthill, Lorelai’s organs and pieces of skin crawled back together. “That hurts so much,” cried Lorelai.

“Mrrumpfump,” muttered Luke, whose mouth was stuffed with bacon and coffee together.

Wondering what all the commotion was, Rory ran into the room and promptly exploded. Then Lorelai exploded again. Also Luke exploded.

This continued until the end of time and space.

THE END

How can the show only be half over? Fine fine fine. Here is recap to show I am watching, and not just writing fan fiction.

Rory is going to court for some reason and Lorelai is upset with Luke about having kids and buying a house and more unimportant stuff. Luke is just sitting around with a stupid look on his face as people ask him about how he proposed, which he didn’t do.

There is a character on this show named Paris. I might hate her more than any of the Gilmore girls. Is she a Gilmore girl just for being on the Gilmore Girls? She is a girl who is on the Gilmore Girls. So I guess she is a Gilmore girl.

Rory has lots of themed parties. She either throws them or has them thrown for her. She is having a jailbird felony style party right now. In the season finale she had a British themed party. I don’t think I’d be wrong in assuming there were more themed parties.

Rory just got 300 hours of community service and 5 years of probation, I think. For joyriding on somebody else’s boat. If someone can afford a boat, they can afford to care about their boat. Keep that in mind, all you would be joyriders.

Rory is living with her terrible grandparents, because Lorelai and Rory are mad at each other for some reason that I don’t care about. Shouldn’t this show be over yet? Gilmore Girls must be a TV black hole that can stretch the limits of time and space. Damn, now I hate black holes. Thanks a lot, Gilmore Girls.

Can you believe it is already the final episode of Gilmore Girls for the season? I know!

The preview for the episode said there would be decisions that effect the Gilmore girls’ future. Last time I checked, decisions did not effect the past. What a smart commercial! Stating the obvious. That is like a commercial telling me that tacos are delicious. All you need to tell me is where to buy tacos, not what they are like.

13′s boyfriend is graduating college today. That will lead to conflict.

Want more conflict? The quaint little town where the Gilmore girls live is being overrun by wandering troubadours. That doesn’t really have anything to do with anything. I thought this episode would have to do a lot more with the adventures of Bland and her daughter 13, but I guess I was wrong. There is always time to waste time with a sub-plot.

I think I figured out what the worst thing about this show is. The talking to information ratio is all askew. For every 10 minutes of talking, only about 15 seconds of actual information comes out. I might as well be watching cable news.

Bland has the same coffee maker as me! I will use this blog as a reminder to burn and throw away my coffee maker. That’s too bad. I like coffee.

Bland is avoiding Luke, her fiancé. 13′s boyfriend ended up avoiding her. She broke the chain by not avoiding his father. He put her in her place. It isn’t often you get a chance to out talk 13. If you can, take that chance by the horns and ride it until you’re saddle sore.

Bland’s terribly rich parents are donating so much money to Yale that they are naming a campus building after 13. Oh hee hee hee, the rich. What trouble they get into! Now the rich parents are trying to set up Bland’s ex with a girl right in front of Bland. Oh hee hee hee, the rich.

Sub-plot sub-plot sub-plot. Back the evil rich people.

The worst thing about all this time wasting is that the show is scheduled to go two minutes past the hour tonight. Whoever though of this ploy needs their intestines pulled through their nose and tied to a stampeding elephant. ABC, I’m looking in your direction.

Bland is in the back of a stranger’s car getting psychological advice. Well, not a stranger. The girl Bland’s parents were trying to set her ex up with. A lot of psychology is just talking and getting things off your chest. The Gilmore girls don’t seem to have a problem with that. I don’t see how a session with a psychologist is going to help anything.

13′s boyfriend is headed off to London for the summer, so she is throwing him a London themed bash. He wants her to tell him not to go. She can’t do that, of course, because she loves him. Well duh. People are idiots. That how love in TV and movies work.

Bland and Luke just had a fight about how they should get married right now. Now Bland showed up at her ex’s apartment because she doesn’t want to be alone. That is a boring cliffhanger. It does not involve explosions. There goes 13′s boyfriend, into the elevator. Maybe it will plummet! No? Damn.

For the third time, a Tuesday night brings me to the Gilmore Girls. I can still count my viewings of this show on one hand. Just wait until I need to unglove my other hand to count. You do not want to see what happens when the gloves come off.

I have not made fun of the theme song yet! I did not pay much attention to it, so I can not go into specifics. Suffice it to say, it is stupid. Naw, that was a lame comment. I will come up with something better later. Or next week, if I have to watch this cursed show again.

13, the college age girl who looks like she is 13, has shown up at a hospital because her boyfriend, Logan, is in serious but stable condition. There was a lot of talking. I mean way too much talking. I do not think these Gilmore girls understand that you need to stop talking sometimes to get information in return. It is called a conversation.

Bland, 13′s mother, has shown up in this episode for the firs time. Her fiancé, Luke, is throwing a birthday party for the daughter he just found out he had. That will cause a lot of tension. In the bizzaro world of the Gilmore Girls, tensions does not equate awkward silences. It means running your motor mouth without an end in sight. Do they not know how much gas costs these days?

It think this talking thing is infectious. They infect all those around them with their fast talking disease. We need to stop these Gilmore girls now, before the whole country falls to the disease.

The hospital set looks like a cheap motel lobby. You can probably rent the hospital rooms by the hour, if you would like to wet your willy.

Man oh man! There is such a thing as comic timing, Gilmore Girls! If all the talking and jokes are paced with exactly the same speed and inflection, people are not going to laugh. That is, assuming that these pop culture references are supposed to be funny.

Half way through the episode, it is time for the awkward birthday party. Oh Luke, you laid the smack down on the girls. You can not be a fun dad if you put down so many rules for a party. Hold on a second, this is the second show with a birthday party I have seen this week!

Logan, who is laid up in a hospital bed and on many drugs, is talking fast. This disease does not take a breath! We are not safe! Perhaps a bomb shelter could save us all.

Luke is failing terribly at throwing a birthday party. He needs Bland to come save him. He needs Bland? That is trouble.

Aww, how can I dislike a show where two stupid 13 year old girls give each other a terrible high five because they get to have makeovers?

The real 13 just left a really harsh message on Logan’s father’s answering machine! Wow, it is tough yelling at a machine. Good work.

There is a lot of girly talk going on. I am zoning out. Sorry. I hear “Lipsmackers” and my eyes roll back in my head.

I would invent a drinking game for this show, if I could focus on anything that they were saying.

I think this show is on pace to be as bad as Ghost Whisperer. At least with Ghost Whisperer, I can focus enough hatred towards Jennifer Love Hewitt. Here, I do not know who to hate the most.

There have been a lot of WB shows on in my home over last two week. Assuming the best of all people, I will presume that you simply want to document for posterity’s sake the final days of the WB before it turns into the CW. That is awfully considerate of you. Garth Ancier would be very proud of you.

On to the terrible Gilmore Girls. Maybe there should not be such a strong adjective right away in the second paragraph. I should use a good adjective starting with a “T” to make up for my sudden attack.

Last night, I watched the terrific Gilmore Girls. Rats, I can not lie. It was terrible. 13 got back with NGAH, Bland dealt with Gruffy and her rich parents, and there was another subplot about writing a song. Sorry, Gilmore Girls. There can only be one show per week where people write a song, and The Apprentice beat you to the punch.

This episode was filled with people making bad decisions and bickering over nothing.

Bland also owns an inn, I think. I can not be sure about this, as it was not even mentioned in the episode I saw last week.

Let us all put the Gilmore Girls behind us. Until next week, of course, where I predict the show will be forced upon me again.

On to better shows, my only ever viewing of House, M.D. was good. Television curmudgeons are lovable. Wow, I spelled “curmudgeons” right on the first try.

House is a very grumpy, smart, and grumpy. Did I say grumpy twice? He is really grumpy. He thinks he is better than everyone else, which is true from what I can tell. He also has a higher voice than I thought he would. I was expecting Tom Waits to come out of his mouth, but instead I got Jerry Lewis. Odd.

Having only seen one episode of this show, I can not say this with any certainty. That has never stopped me from saying anything before. House, M.D. seems like a one trick pony. It would appear that every episode is the same. Stop me if I am wrong.

1. Someone comes down with a mysterious illness
2. The doctors think they have solved the problem
3. The patient gets worse
4. House figures out the answer
5. The patient gets worse
6. House figures out the real answer
7. The End

Sound about right? It would be fantastic if every episode did not follow that formula, and it very well may not. If it does, boring!

All of that being said, I enjoyed my time with House, M.D.

You may wonder what I do when I am not working full time or watching TV. Let us see. Today I baked a cake while I listened to the new Flaming Lips album. I am a mystery! And now, the Gilmore Girls. Again.

The show starts off with 13, aka Rory, eating Chinese food and ragging on boys with her friend who is a girl on a couch. That was a terrible sentence. I apologize.

Now Logan is at the door, and he wants to talk to 13. I do not remember if I have seen him before or not. There might have been a Logan in one of the other shows I have watched. Or in Logan’s Run. That movie was not as good as I had hoped.

Logan is doing a lot of political double talk to get 13 back. Wait, Logan is his real name. He needs a nickname. NGAH for No Good AssHole. So 13 and NGAH (pronounced n’gaaaaaaaaaah) are all made up after he cheated on her, and they walked off together. Which brings us to the opening credits.

You folks do understand that this is the second week in a row that you have made me watch the Gilmore Girls, right? Just making sure. Do not think I did not notice.

We are back and Bland is scared of a spider in the shower. Gruffy is trapping the spider and releasing him.

“Nothing is gayer than a sock drawer.” How come I did not know this? I have had plenty of sock drawers in my time on this planet. The Gilmore Girls are all about teaching.

If I keep my mouth closed while on the webcam, I do not look as stupid.

Lane, or Layn or whatever dumbass way they spell it on this show, is getting married. Who is Laien? She is in a band. She is arguing with her fiancé about having his friend move out after they are married. Really, that is only way to go. I agree with Laeeeeien.

Hey, there are Bland’s rich parents complaining about their expensive car. Oh my, the troubles of the rich!

Dude that is marrying La-la-la-laaane actually just asked permission from her mom. It did not go so well. He jumped the gun a bit when he gave her the ring without mama’s permission.

I am just going to zone out as these rich jerks complain about substandard living or whatever it is that offends them this moment. There went a whole 15 minutes with nothing interesting to talk about. Thank you, terrible rich parents.

Bland owns an inn? When did that happen? There was some weirdo named Kirk there doing real estate deals. What a goofy fellow. He had a Bluetooth headset for his cell phone.

There is some thing about Final Destination 3. Bland seems obsessed with how bad it is. We all know it is a terrible movie, Bland. That is why we love it.

Bah, my computer is going gah-gah. I am going to reset it and see if the TV junk works itself out. I will see you again during House, M.D.

It was a night of hour long dramas centered around the ladies. Ladies with the misfortune of having terrible names. Lorelai Gilmore, Rory Gilmore, Veronica Mars. Or Bland, 13, and That One Blonde Girl Not The Other One, as I named them.

From what I can gather, the Gilmore Girls is based in a very small town where everyone is nosey. Bland also has rich parents and has a kid, 13, but is not married. 13 is actually about 19 years old and goes to Yale. It is very hard having rich parents. That is what I have learned from the show.

I would tell them all to go suck a lemon, but that seems like an outdated insult and they are also actors on television so they would not be able to hear me screaming it at them.

Everyone on the show has their own little problems, but I really do not care. You are whining about who gets to pay for your Yale tuition, and I am stuck here working a 9 to 5 job? I can so relate to your privileged world!

Maybe I came in on a particularly prissy episode, but the Gilmore Girls has not won a loyal soldier in their march to put out thousands of DVDs. I am making a note to hit all of my coworkers who watch the Gilmore Girls, and who voted for the Gilmore Girls. Are you guys reading this? Punches are coming your way!

Especially you, Matthew. No man should be watching and enjoying this show! Your first and final mistake was admitting you liked it. Your death will not be swift, my friend.

We now progress to Veronica Mars, which was only made confusing due to my own ignorance. I mixed up Veronica and some other blonde girl until halfway through the show. I finally sleuthed my mistake when they were in two different places at the same time.

There was also a ton of plot. Did anyone ever watch Max Headroom? Do you remember blipverts? They were commercials with a minute of information compacted into something like five seconds. In one episode, someone’s head exploded because of all the information. That is how I felt with the recap at the beginning. I appreciate them catching me up, but how the holy hell am I supposed to grab on to any of that?

Oh yeah, and when you feel the urge to say TMI or Too Much Information, just say Blipvert now. I am making it a thing. You will all follow my thing!

Veronica Mars seemed a little unbalanced to me. Veronica was solving a little mystery in her spare time in between high school classes while her father was trying to solve a big murder conspiracy. As proud as we all were that Veronica solved her little missing bride mystery, it seemed unimportant will all of the big things happening. Murder and sex tapes and bears, oh my. Well, actually, there were no bears. Yet. Unless someone is a bear in disguise. Veronica probably would have figured that out though.

Veronica Mars certainly was not a terrible show like the Gilmore Girls. I would certainly give it another chance. Hopefully my head will be on straight next time and I will be able to tell the difference between the main character and her friend.

Tonight I am watching a show I would never watch, if I were not forced to. It is Gilmore Girls on The WB. I do not remember the last time I watched The WB. A commercial just told me to stay tuned for the Gilmore Girls. That makes me want to run away.

Uh oh. One of the girls, the Gilmore girls I assume, is sneaking out early. It looks like a wedding between her, Girl X, and this gruff fellow in bed were called off. We will call bed guy Gruffy. The Gilmore Girls do not have the decency to tell me what I missed last time on their show. Thanks a lot, ladies.

Whoops, they just said some names and I missed it. Ahhh, they repeated a bunch of names. Luke is Gruffy, who just found out he had a daughter. That was why the wedding was postponed. Girl X is talking with Suki, a chubby loudmouth. It looks like we are getting a lot of plot out of the way here.

Now there is another girl. Another Gilmore Girl? It looks like she goes to high school, but she also looks like she is 13. She confuses and scares me. 13 has a wussy boy stalking her, but she is okay with it and they are going out to dinner later.

I do not feel like I have gotten a lot out of the last 15 minutes. Maybe I should read some of the dictionary to make up for this empty feeling inside.

13 is named Rory and she is going to Yale. That is funny, since I assumed she was taking social studies in 7th grade. She is the daughter of Girl X, who I have not found out the name of. They have said it a couple of time, but I did not catch it. Maybe that gives me an insight in to why I can not remember names in my daily life.

There is some contention about who is paying for Yale, Rory’s grandparents or her never there father. Oh no, a fight about who is going to pay for an expensive college! They are not getting any sympathy from me. It makes me feel the same way I do when I find out that someone owns a horse. You own a horse? Screw you! No sympathy.

They just said something about horses! Do they own horses? I hate them.

The dog is named Paul Anka. I still do not know Girl X’s name. What gives?

It is very funny that Luke, Gruffy, has a kid who reads. That is what I am gathering from the constant mentioning of that fact. I hope they mention it again so I can force some laughter. Reading. Hee hee.

There is some plot about the Yale paper not coming out for the first time, and everyone is working very hard. I can not take it seriously, because it seems like they are in middle school.

Rory is kissing a boy! She should not date until she is at least 17!

There are still about 5 minutes left of this show. Let me just say thank you in advance for not making me watch the second hour of the Gilmore Girls that is on tonight..

Girl X is named Lorelai. That is a stupid name and spell check does not like it, so I will call her Bland.

Rich people talking and talking and talking about their family problems. You know, they can stuff a sock in it.

Things are coming to a head. Oh, how charming with all this polite arguing. I feel like I am watching PBS.

There we have it. A show I would never want to watch again. I have a feeling you cruel people out there on the internet are not going to let this be my last viewing of the Gilmore Girls. I guess we will have to wait and see.

At least it was not According to Jim.