Happy Halloween! What could be scarier than watching a rerun of the Gilmore Girls? Nothing. Time for some Gilmore Girls fan fiction. This should sharpen my chops for the start of NaNoWriMo.

Look How Much I Can Whine In A Short Amount Of Time
A Gilmore Girls Fan Fiction by Aric McKeown

The stout middle aged woman fell through the popcorned ceiling. Her screaming voice echoing off the crumbling walls like a wolf who swallowed one pack of extra strength gauze and two packs of unfiltered Marlboro Reds. The kitsch lamp broke the fall of the raucous cherub while piercing her heart and spine in one grand fraction of a second. As the white walls collapsed around the now lifeless body, a crimson jet of thick fluid covered the settling debris like an oil well in a thick Oklahoma dust storm.

From the rubble came a low yet rapid moan. A familiar yet annoying voice was emanating from beneath the now collapsed Gilmore household. The basement was the only thing left untouched beyond the natural gas that was now slowly filling it. The voice had a very small amount of time left to live. It was certainly making th most of its final moments on Earth.

Lorelai Gilmore was the owner of the muffled and constantly running vocal cords. At the time of the untimely collapse, she had been musing on the accumulation of dryer lint for the last hour. A small spider in the beginning his new life was left dead in the corner, a victim of the very rarely fatal condition of burst spider ear drums. Future generations will claim that the spider simply lost its will to live.

The constant chatter wasn’t stopped in Lorelai’s final moments. Her scared and insecure inside was masked by her incessant air passage through her throat and past her fat lips that were turning blue ever so slowly, but not slowly enough.

Aside from the pastures of cows just outside the city limits, Stars Hallow was losing its second biggest producer of warm and offensive air. Who would now make it a point to find something uninteresting in the things that others already knew were uninteresting? One might be inclined to state that Rory Gilmore, the daughter of the soon to be deceased, would carry on the legacy of ridiculous gum flapping. Few people knew that Rory contained a self destruction device that was triggered by the stopping of Lorelai’s heart.

There was nothing Earth shaking being said the lonely basement that Lorelai Gilmore occupied before the final curtain. Her senses were going out as she took a deep breath of the deadly. There was no one around to hear her last words. Even sadder, no one would have remembered them if they were there. No one remembers last words that come in the form of sprawling paragraphs.

Gilmore Girls starts off with a rock ‘em sock ‘em diatribe about the three month old pop phenomenon that is Snakes on a Plane. After Lorelai quit running off her mouth, she used it to make out with Christopher.

Christopher is Rory’s father. He also got punched by Luke in the second episode of the season. I hate ever so much the fact that I know these things.

Now that Luke was a big part of the show, we get to follow his storyline along with Lorelai and Rory’s. Can he now be considered a Gilmore Girl?

Chris has a lot of chest hair, which isn’t hidden by the fact that he wears no undershirt and has an extra button undone on his work shirt.

Rory’s horrible grandparents haven’t been in the show for a few episodes. That has been fixed now.

Luke’s young daughter, who he had with someone who wasn’t his wife, is getting ready for school in Stars Hollow. Oh crap. That means we will be introduced to new characters her age.

Target has never been visited by Luke. What a charming and small town, not sullied by larger corporations. In fact, the mere mention of a store that sells things is utterly offensive!

Rory is in charge of boring boring boring boring boring boring…

Sorry, I must have trailed off there. She is in charge of the college newspaper. Did I mention that it is boring?

Chris took Lorelai to a self made drive in movie. It is Funny Face and it is being projected onto a barn. How outrageous and romantic! I kid. I would actually call it boring. At least by TV standards.

Old grandmother of Lorelai got pulled over by the cops, which she finds simply absurd. Man, I hate people of privilege.

Lorelai and Chris had to pick her mother up from jail. What a casually constructed situation.

Rory had some artists from a gallery showing leach on to her, and now they are touching everything she owns. Hands off!

It wouldn’t be a Tuesday on the CW if we didn’t get to see the horrible Aerie Girls “commercials.” They were talking at a table instead of on their couch. I can only assume they messed the couch. Bad Aerie Girls. Bad!

The Aerie Girls may be saying, “I can really identify with Rory Gilmore because I have gone through heartbreak before,” but all I’m hearing is, “I am being paid by American Eagle to act like I am having a casual conversation with my friends.”

The Aerie Girls are a made up group of girls, like O-Town (snap?), created by American Eagle to pretend to be your friends. As thrilling as that may be for the 13 year old boys out there, it makes me very angry.

American Eagle has teamed up with The CW on Tuesdays to bring you the Aerie Girls during commercial segments of the Gilmore Girls and Veronica Mars. During these commercials, the Aerie Girls will relate to each other about what has happened during the TV shows you have been watching. By “relate” I mean “read words from a script.”

If you are a commercial for American Eagle, come out and say you are a commercial for American Eagle. Don’t put on this horribly fake persona and pretend I’m an idiot.

And another thing. Radio, I’m talking to you here. I know you are not in a bar talking to real people about what shows are coming up this week. Cut the act. If I was deaf and blind and had no nerve endings and was dead, I could see right through your horrible advertising techniques.

I want everyone to get mad about this Aerie Girls thing. Get angry. Let American Eagle know that you aren’t a stupid cow in a field chewing your cud and waiting to be slaughtered. No, that’s too cliché.

Let American Eagle know you had a casual conversation about the Aerie Girls with your friends, and have decided to shop at the GAP instead.

Wait, the GAP has those creepy Audrey Hepburn commercials. I think we’re in a lose-lose situation here, American consumers.

Just shop at Target. Yeah, that’ll work.

I don’t get nearly as much grief about hating the Gilmore Girls as I do for hating One Tree Hill, even though I hate those Gilmore Girls so much more. Oh so much more.

Luke just punched Christopher.

It seems that the Aerie Girls are watching the CW shows tonight as well, and talking casually about it while sitting on a couch and drinking from mugs. Don’t you really want to buy something from American Eagle right now? They watch what you watch! Don’t you want to buy some Aric right now? No, that doesn’t work.

Rory is upset because she wants to go see her boyfriend in London right now, after he left only one or two days ago. Instead, he already bought her a ticket for Christmas. What a bad boyfriend, bringing her over for Christmas in London. I would be upset too. Idiot. That doesn’t seem harsh enough. IDIOT! No, capital letters isn’t doing it either. I’ll try to think of another way to say it.

In a ridiculously hilarious situation, that wacky Kirk set up an out door cafe across the street from Luke’s wrecked restaurant. Kirk crashed a car into Luke’s restaurant last week, which is why it is wrecked. Oh ho ho ho ho, that’s Kirk for you. A character based solely on the need to be contrary to other people’s wants.

Lorelai is upset about Luke still, her fiancé she pissed off by sleeping with someone else. Maybe she shouldn’t have stepped out of character and slept with somebody else.

Oh no, Rory and her now married rocker friend are talking about sex. Married girl had sex once with her boyfriend in the sand in Mexico and now she has sworn off sex forever. Please stop talking about sex. You’re not in a Woody Allen movie.

Luke and Lorelai had an uncomfortable conversation in the middle of the street. How many of these awkward moments will we have to be bored with through this season?

Lorelai has gone about creating an Asian themed night for Rory, because she and Logan couldn’t go on their Asia trip since he went to London. It’s also busy work to keep Lorelai’s mind off of her many stupid mistakes. Silly her, that’s when Rory finds out that Lorelai cheated on Luke. Well, they were broken up. We will still call it cheated.

Duh, of course Rory’s stupid one time sex having friend is pregnant. I must be asleep at the wheel. I should have seen that coming.

You’re already making Lorelai and Luke friends again? That’s lazy writing, Gilmore Girls writers. You showed a lot of effort in keeping that up for a full two episodes.

The Gilmore Girls start another long and painful season tonight. My predictions include but are not limited to Rory getting a sex change operation and Lorelai inventing a new kind of pastry. Everyone loves a good pastry.

Really, I was hoping to forget the names of the characters over summer break, but I have had no such luck.

Last season, Rory’s boyfriend went overseas to study and Lorelai shacked up with an old flame. Oh my, what big worries in little Stars Hollow. Damn it, I know the name of the stupid town. Useless information filling up my brain, making sure I don’t remember phone numbers.

The opening scenes have Rory opening up a present and Lorelai hurriedly getting out of her ex’s apartment. Then come the credits, which fill me with a dread that I can not describe.

Lorelai is talking to a crazy neighbor who entered her house and slept on her couch. If that is what happens in small towns, I’ll stay in the murder filled streets of the big city.

After a rough night of sex with the wrong people, Lorelai is in no mood for the fast talking of others. Now she knows how I feel. Not that I have sex with the wrong people. I get annoyed by these people’s fast talking.

There is an empty spot where the “witty” pop culture references should be. They can just take a quick look at Defamer and be set. But they are too lazy to look at the internet. You are not. Hi. How are you doing?

A red light camera? In Stars Hollow? Now I’ve seen everything. Big city problems come to the little town. The red light camera will learn something from these kind small town folk.

Stupid boyfriend Logan and Rory just talked over the phone. He obviously left a different present for Rory that wasn’t the rocket that she found. What a hilarious misunderstanding. I really care about the present that Logan left for Rory. This is a very good plot point that expresses depth and interest.

The whole town got together to see the unveiling of the stop light camera. Did I imply that the rocket was a stupid plot? I stand corrected by this piece of work.

Ahhh, Fast and the Furious talk. There is your half hearted pop culture reference.

Oh no, Lorelai. Half of your bed is so empty! You certainly are broken up.

The best part of this episode was a description of a Twilight Zone episode. I wish I was watching the Twilight Zone.

Luke and Lorelai had their conversation where she says she slept with someone else. Luke drives off. The end. Boo, Gilmore Girls. Yeah, that’s right. I booed the Gilmore Girls just like it was a terrible vaudevillian act.

I’m in a good mood today, so I will pretend that you are making me watch Gilmore Girls because you love the fan fiction I write about Bland and her daughter 13. Without further ado, here come the Gilmore Girls.

Bland has altered, or bought a new wedding dress, for some secondary character’s wedding. Their wedding is tomorrow, and the character’s mother is of an old fashioned attitude. A woman of Bland’s age can not attend the wedding alone. It screams “tramp,” as the writing of the show says. Golly, will this whole episode be about secondary characters? I hope not, because I don’t have nicknames for these people yet!

The dialog in this show would send David Mamet into a boredom coma. This isn’t how people talk. It isn’t just the missing swear words that are the problem. There is nothing natural about the conversations on Gilmore Girls. It is like a dog with a turtle growing out of its spine. That is not natural.

It seems like all of the girls in town are on secondary character’s bachelorette party. It isn’t going so well because they missed seeing Richard Gere’s John Popper. I say it makes the party better, but to each their own.

With the bachelorette party just a small plotline, we are on to the “wacky” Buddhist wedding. Look at how different they are from us! Can you believe it? Mother and grandmother spent the whole time fighting in another room. So not only are we to care about the secondary characters, we are supposed to care about their mother’s mother? Bah.

One good thing about being stuck in the basement watching television, I missed answering the doorbell. It happened to be some Jehovah’s Witnesses. Thank you, Gilmore Girls. You saved me from having to fake being polite.

My wife is watching House in the other room. I wish I were watching House. Someone just coughed HIV infected blood on a doctor. Compare that to the Gilmore Girls, where nothing of any importance is happening.

There were two weddings so the grandmother wouldn’t know that they weren’t actually Buddhist. There were also two wedding receptions. It’s like a sitcom without the humor. Just like According to Jim.

13 is wearing a curtain instead of a dress. She seems to think it is dress. I think everyone else is too polite to say anything to her. Like the emperor and his new clothing.

Bland is making a drunken toast and ruining the reception. She is sad because Luke keeps pushing her own wedding back. They didn’t explain that this episode. I know it from watching previous episodes. I wonder if I can live after I cut off my own head.

There has to be something on besides the Gilmore Girls. Why must I always watch the Gilmore Girls? I have no fear of Hell, it is already here.

Bland just called 13 and told her some supposedly hilarious dream about her dog, Paul Anka, getting mixed up with the man, Paul Anka. How funny! Just like those movies where mothers and daughters switch bodies!

One CW commercial.

Oh great, the credits inform me that Sally Struthers is in this episode. Things keep getting better and better.

Gruffy is taking a road trip with his daughter’s class or girl scouts or something. Awww nuts, his daughter goes to Martin van Buren Middle School. I can’t hate that. I think I’ll name her The Little Magician, or the Old Kinderhook. What? You don’t know your Martin van Buren nicknames? For shame.

Logan and 13 are having words about his newspaper article. There are fruit flies involved. I don’t want to get into it. It’s far too boring.

Two CW commercials. Whoa, three CW commercials. One after another there.

Logan and his rich Yale friends are planning some rich adventures in planes and parachutes and foreign countries. That may be worse than owning a horse. I have enough hate to spread around though, don’t you worry.

Four CW commercials. I really need to buy some CW.

Rich Logan is off to get hurt. Bland is worried about her rich parents moving to her town. Some girl is upset about some wedding dress. What could show more boredom than a yawn? I need a Rubik’s Cube and a sleeping bag.

Five CW commercials.

With the age of blogs, do people still publish zines? If newspaper and magazines subscriptions are dropping, is there a place in the world for zines?

Now Gruffy, daughter, and the kids are at a poetry reading. 13 shows up for some reason and there is an awkward moment between her and the zine publisher. I wonder what my eyes would feel like if they were on fire. I bet it’d be weird.

Six CW commercials.

13 and Gruffy’s daughter just met for the first time. That was boring.

13 and Bohemian guy just kissed. Oh man, 13 is stupid. Logan is an idiot. Anyone who loves an idiot is a stupid idiot. Not that zine publishing poet loving Bohemian is any better. I bet he smells like cedar chips.

One CW commercial. Two CW commercials.

I had a lot of mixed emotions today. Gilmore Girls barely beat out Kathy Griffin in the voting, and I’m not sure if I’m happy about that or not. I was dreading both options, actually. At least I can write terrible fan fiction about the Gilmore Girls. I hope the Gilmore Girls like menopause.

Do you know what is worse than watching the Gilmore Girls? Watching an episode of the Gilmore Girls you have already seen. That’s the most depressing thing ever. See my original review of this episode here.

What’s worse is I know the back story of 13 and Logan, and why they are fighting. I don’t want to know about the Gilmore Girls!

Three CW commercials so far tonight. I think they’re going for a world record.

There is nothing but the last bit of self control keeping me from finding an appropriate length of rope to end my misery. Kathy Bates would be a welcome diversion at this point.

To keep my brain from drowning in its own vomit, I will start writing more Gilmore Girls fan fiction.

It All Must Come Off
A Gilmore Girls Fan Fiction by Aric McKeown

Bland was sitting in the doctor’s office. Her paper robe rattled as she shifted her weight. She wanted to make a quick quip about her attire, but no one was around to hear it. Like the proverbial tree in the forest, she wouldn’t make a sound.

A bad case of lice was the reason for Bland’s doctor’s visit. She had gotten the lice off of the corpse of 13, her daughter. 13 had died from excessive monkey bites to the eyes and spine. Where the monkeys came from was still a mystery, but the police had given up because Bland talked their brains into a coma. It is very hard for a police officer to file a report if the victim’s mother never shuts up.

After leaving Bland for twenty minutes of solitary thought, the doctor re-entered his office to a steam of nouns, verbs, and adjectives. A man of patience, the doctor let Bland run her mouth until she became horse. The doctor was a wise man, and had scheduled Bland for the first appointment of the day. Come 4pm, Bland finally lost her voice, and the doctor was ready to provide his diagnoses.

“It all must come off,” stated the doctor simply. Bland tried to pose a question, but could not. “Everything needs to come off. Every part of your body is diseased. Arms, legs, head, everything,” continued the doctor.

In reply to Bland’s confused looks, the doctor proceed with, “We will be able to keep you alive in separate trays and jars. The simple fact of the matter is, your body is trying to pull itself apart. With such a diseased body, you will certainly not survive. But if we separate your parts, the disease will not be able to concentrate. Each part of your body will be able to handle the disease on an individual level.”

Bland tried to object, but could not. She wanted to explain in speeds too fast for a humming bird why this didn’t make any sense. The door was not but two feet away, and Bland made a dash for it. The doctor was not a dumb man and had locked the door behind him. He had all the time in the world to perform the corpusectomy. Everything must be removed from everything else, for the good of humanity.

The doctor opened a cabinet, reach inside, and pulled out the chainsaw. The procedure was messy, but very quick. Pain was only in the mind of the patient.

The End

4 CW commercials. 5 CW commercials.

There is still time left. They are bashing Final Destination 3 again. Maybe they should watch their own show. It’s pretty easy to bash and make fun of. See? I just did it right there!