Rory is graduating, and Paris is angry about something. Like usual. How can they not stretch out another ten seasons?

I am wearing stereo headphones and can really enjoy the stereo separation of the Gilmore Girls. It have annoying voices pumping into both ears!

How many shoes advertisements can they stuff in between this horrible spaces of this show?

Kirk is going to be sitting in a box this episode. Wacky Kirk. Insert you own euphamism here. And here.

They are going to put on a play about Rory’s life in Gilmore Girls? How can this not kill me? This sounds more lethal than poison. The lethal substance and the band. Which is also a lethal substance.

Rory’s grandparents are singing a parody of a Cole Porter song about Rory’s graduation. Now Logan is proposing to her. Rory didn’t know what to say. Probably because Logan didn’t get down on what knee. The fool!

Rory is all torn an emotional about the proposal. I would be too, if I were in the Gilmore Girls. But that is because the writers would keep stringing my character along for no good reason. It would be pre-destined.

And finally, Rory graduated and turned down Logan’s proposal. She likes life being wide open. Like her stupid mouth! Zing!

How quickly will I able to catch up the plot I missed? One tw….good. There I am. I guess all the talking is just a cover for the lack of real movement.

Today’s plot? Chicken pox. I wonder if Saved by the Bell ever did a chicken pox plot. I could be wrong. Maybe it was Family Ties or Home Improvement.

Rory is opening letters for her roommate. That’s the other plot. Actually, Rory is opening acceptance letters for her grumpy friend. She keeps getting into schools, which makes her grumpier and grumpier. Funny, my mood is moving the same way.

The volume of commercial on the CW is on level with the show. This is the exact opposite of the SciFi channel, which will destroy your eardrums if you aren’t careful.

Lorelai isn’t wearing a helmet while biking, after she broke her car by being stupid. I would have less of a head if I didn’t wear my helmet. Wear a helmet, boys and girls. It’s cool to be safe!

Luke and Lorelai are becoming friends again, after she and her husband divorced. I assumed. It’s a pretty safe assumption, since I don’t see him around anywhere.

This just in, from the CW, silk dresses are in! Thank you, faux commercial!

Lorelai and Luke are looking for a car. They are both annoying each other, but are too polite to let it really show. Which causes them to talk very quickly about more than nothing. Sure, that sounds like par for the course, but it really is taken up an annoying notch.

And another notch! And another notch! It’s like a severe weather siren that doesn’t reach a peak.

When an actress says, “I’m only 22,” in a scene and invisible milk squirts out your nose, that’s too bad for the actress.

Oh no! Rory didn’t get her reporting fellowship! I am so sad now because of television!

Lorelai and hubby broke up, and now she and Rory need to break it to her parents. And they ran out of gas. How charming.

Grandfather is recovering from a heart attack. Grandmother is her own terrible self. And for some reason, we have to suffer through it. I don’t watch TV to experience annoyance.

Grumpy grandpa has indicated the soup is not a meal. Finally, I agree with something on Gilmore Girls! Time to break out the champaign!

Tuesday was already a terrible day in my book. The constant strain of Gilmore Girls is going to kill me. Or make me go bald.

The girls pull out all the stops for February sweeps! They’re talking unnaturally fast and getting in to absurd situations. What a difference!

Papa Gilmore is recovering from a heart attack, and Bland (Lorelai) is in a fight with her husband who is angry about a letter of recommendation she wrote for Scruffy (Luke). 13 (Rory) is going back to Yale after visiting Papa Gilmore. Explaining the plot to the Gilmore Girls feels like shoveling snow on the Sun. What’s the point?

A funeral for a dog? What a great sweeps stunt!

Watching this show is like eating cotton balls. All squeaky feeling when you’re shewing them and then they travel to your stomach where they sit for one hundred years while collecting every germ that passed by until they kill you. Do you really want to die at 100?

Bland and hubby just had a fight. In other new, the sun rose for about the billionth time today.

13 is all a flutter over the new TA who is taking her grandpa’s Yale class while he gets better. What does any of this matter? Nothing highlights the futility of watching television like a terrible TV program.

It’s over.

I hate Gilmore Girls because they know full well they are getting in to wacky situations. They do it on purpose, and acknowledge it. “Aren’t we crazy for having Christmas late,” they think and say to themselves. If they had goatees and creepy eyebrows, they would be thinking about their wackiness while while stroking said hairy objects.

Seven Christmas trees? Oh Girls of Gilmore. You’re so crazy.

Bland (Lorelai) is asked by her ex, Scruffy (Luke), to write a letter for him. Something about being a character witness for his custody of his kid they he just found out he had. Is that boring enough for you?

This show becomes a lot better if you pretend everyone is eternally stuck in limbo. This is where they will be stuck forever, going neither to Heaven nor Hell. An eternity of nonsense that doesn’t matter.

Bland is putting off letter writing until the very last moment. Scruffy’s nerd daughter showed up to hang out with Scruffy. Then they had to go and exchange a rock tumbler. Sometimes if feels like sleep lives in the back of your throat, ready to strike at the drop of a hat.

Did you know that your tax dollars are paying for these awful Above the Influence commercials? When did the Office of National Drug Control Policy decide to hire a drunk and retarded spider to create their advertising?

And Christmas turned out for all. In case you were worried.

Lorelai and Christopher are trying to pick out a new house. You’re still thinking about my period, aren’t you? Stop that!

As you are well aware, most of the season’s new dramas that carry a plot from episode to episode were canned. Yet, Gilmore Girls has continued planning a wedding show for the last two episodes. Planning a wedding shower. That’s better than a bank heist in what way?

Lorelai is trying to get out of her post-wedding wedding shower because her stuck up snobby mother insists on throwing it for her. Mother hires an opera aficionado slash party planner to plan this stuck up party. Boy, those rich. They sure live in a different from ours. Surely we should appreciate our simple life. Is this show middle class propaganda?

The cable went out for a split second. It gave me the tiniest moment of hope that I was saved for the evening. No such luck.

Rory is showing off Logan to her Yale friends. Her friend’s boyfriend is into Rory, so that’s all awkward. Rory doesn’t talk as fast when she is caught in a lie. That’s the secret to her demise. If you ever capture Rory in a cage of white gold, trick her into lying and she shall vanish from the face of the Earth.

Christopher is trying to pressure Lorelai into having a kid. Another kid, since they had Rory a long time ago. It is awkward. I don’t care.

James Gunn’s brother is trying to outsell the middle schoolers in their wrapping paper fund drive.

The post-wedding wedding show is turning out to be more of an actual wedding. Christopher is for it and Lorelai is against it. I really really care about watching this relationship develop. And I really really am being sarcastic. Really.

Luke is looking old and balding. Lorelai really dodged a bullet there. Dodged a bullet by sleeping with another man. It’s not her fault they were naked, someone shot at her, and she just happened to fall in that unfortunate position. That isn’t true at all.

Lorelai’s friend is mad at her for not telling her that she knew her boyfriend since freshman year. Luke blurted it out, and now he’s the jerk. How is this even a thing? What kind of sense does this make? If you run out of plots, you can’t make up something that doesn’t even make sense.

Luke and Christopher are exchanging blows now. That’s cause and effect. Not this made up nonsense that isn’t even a real thing.

Lorelai and Christopher are having dinner with Lorelai’s parents. They are a lot of snarky comments, as the wedding was secret and Lorelai announced it on their answering machine.

Now the terrible parents are insisting on a parents. Actually, “terrible” isn’t a very descriptive adjective in this situation. You know, because everyone on this show is terrible.

Logan is back in town for some reason. And Rory is moving in with Paris. I want to say that I hate Paris, but what’s the point? You know how I feel.

Oh no. The driving storyline centers around a knit-a-thon. Here is the big problem. If that was the plot of a The Office episode, I could see all the insane possibilities that the characters could get in to. In Gilmore Girls, I roll my eyes and look at my watch. Characters and writers make a huge difference. Obviously.

Rory, whose writers think it’s clever to have her throw theme parties, is throwing a 2002 party. Keep reaching for the lowest stars, fellas. These stories are golden!

Christopher is a Stars Hollow outsider. Lorelai is concerned about acclimating the town to him. It is a little like scuba diving. If you rise to the surface too quickly, you get the bends. You need to adjust. When happens with the bends? Is it just bubbles in your brain?

Farming analogies? I suppose.

Luke has some dumb subplot too. His daughter is being moved to New Mexico. Why are we waisting our time with Luke? He is not a Gilmore Girl. Is he? Now that would be a plot.

And a baby was born. And Rory is having issues with her friend’s boyfriend. All of this plot annoys and bores me.

Christopher donated all the money needed for the knit-a-thon, promptly ending the knit-a-thon. And Luke wants more to do with his daugh….daugh….yawn! Sorry. Daugher. Yawn.

Chris and Lorelai get to Paris by taking Chris’ daughter, Gigi, to see her mother. Yeah, they named the kid Gigi. This Gigi is not played by Leslie Caron.

Rory is stepping down as editor-in-chief of the Yale newspaper. Hopefully this ends the constant terrible storylines about a college newspaper and gets us on to some new terrible storylines.

The new editor has dirty blond hair but it is styled like Harpo Marx. That isn’t an attractive look. That’s probably why he works for the school newspaper. He can hide himself away so no one mistakes him for Captain Spalding, the African explorer. He brought his name undying fame, and that is why we say, hooray, hooray, hooray.

Paris, the person, should not appear in the same episode where Paris, the place, is being visited. Just pointing that out.

And the strong Asian girl who turned into a uncharacteristically weak and pregnant wife is having twins with her slacker husband. This is uninteresting. Yet it is here in prime time, shoved down our throats as “entertainment.” Why do terrible TV shows on the longest?

Rory and her college friends are hanging out at her house giving each other hair highlights. This proves my theory that Rory is 13 years old. Needless to say, there is a lot of unnecessary talking.

Great, Chris is super rich like Lorelai’s parents. So now we get to watch his privileged adventures too. He paid off a fancy French restaurant to open for them at five in the morning. Isn’t it fabulous to be fabulously wealthy?

I can really relate to all of this. Every single thing that is going on. Twins, hair highlights, privilege, Paris, Paris, and being newspaper editor. It is like this is my life! On screen!

Chris’ proposal was no real proposal. No knees. No ring. Just casual conversation across a table. Could that have any less impact?

Lorelai must have said yes and married Chris, but she looks tentative.

Oh no, the Aerie Girls! I thought I had destroyed them!

Look How Much I Can Whine In A Short Amount Of Time
A Gilmore Girls Fan Fiction by Aric McKeown

The stout middle aged woman fell through the popcorned ceiling. Her screaming voice echoing off the crumbling walls like a wolf who swallowed one pack of extra strength gauze and two packs of unfiltered Marlboro Reds. The kitsch lamp broke the fall of the raucous cherub while piercing her heart and spine in one grand fraction of a second. As the white walls collapsed around the now lifeless body, a crimson jet of thick fluid covered the settling debris like an oil well in a thick Oklahoma dust storm.

From the rubble came a low yet rapid moan. A familiar yet annoying voice was emanating from beneath the now collapsed Gilmore household. The basement was the only thing left untouched beyond the natural gas that was now slowly filling it. The voice had a very small amount of time left to live. It was certainly making th most of its final moments on Earth.

Lorelai Gilmore was the owner of the muffled and constantly running vocal cords. At the time of the untimely collapse, she had been musing on the accumulation of dryer lint for the last hour. A small spider in the beginning his new life was left dead in the corner, a victim of the very rarely fatal condition of burst spider ear drums. Future generations will claim that the spider simply lost its will to live.

The constant chatter wasn’t stopped in Lorelai’s final moments. Her scared and insecure inside was masked by her incessant air passage through her throat and past her fat lips that were turning blue ever so slowly, but not slowly enough.

Aside from the pastures of cows just outside the city limits, Stars Hallow was losing its second biggest producer of warm and offensive air. Who would now make it a point to find something uninteresting in the things that others already knew were uninteresting? One might be inclined to state that Rory Gilmore, the daughter of the soon to be deceased, would carry on the legacy of ridiculous gum flapping. Few people knew that Rory contained a self destruction device that was triggered by the stopping of Lorelai’s heart.

There was nothing Earth shaking being said the lonely basement that Lorelai Gilmore occupied before the final curtain. Her senses were going out as she took a deep breath of the deadly. There was no one around to hear her last words. Even sadder, no one would have remembered them if they were there. No one remembers last words that come in the form of sprawling paragraphs.

Christopher is Rory’s father. He also got punched by Luke in the second episode of the season. I hate ever so much the fact that I know these things.

Now that Luke was a big part of the show, we get to follow his storyline along with Lorelai and Rory’s. Can he now be considered a Gilmore Girl?

Chris has a lot of chest hair, which isn’t hidden by the fact that he wears no undershirt and has an extra button undone on his work shirt.

Rory’s horrible grandparents haven’t been in the show for a few episodes. That has been fixed now.

Luke’s young daughter, who he had with someone who wasn’t his wife, is getting ready for school in Stars Hollow. Oh crap. That means we will be introduced to new characters her age.

Target has never been visited by Luke. What a charming and small town, not sullied by larger corporations. In fact, the mere mention of a store that sells things is utterly offensive!

Rory is in charge of boring boring boring boring boring boring…

Sorry, I must have trailed off there. She is in charge of the college newspaper. Did I mention that it is boring?

Chris took Lorelai to a self made drive in movie. It is Funny Face and it is being projected onto a barn. How outrageous and romantic! I kid. I would actually call it boring. At least by TV standards.

Old grandmother of Lorelai got pulled over by the cops, which she finds simply absurd. Man, I hate people of privilege.

Lorelai and Chris had to pick her mother up from jail. What a casually constructed situation.

Rory had some artists from a gallery showing leach on to her, and now they are touching everything she owns. Hands off!

It wouldn’t be a Tuesday on the CW if we didn’t get to see the horrible Aerie Girls “commercials.” They were talking at a table instead of on their couch. I can only assume they messed the couch. Bad Aerie Girls. Bad!

The Aerie Girls are a made up group of girls, like O-Town (snap?), created by American Eagle to pretend to be your friends. As thrilling as that may be for the 13 year old boys out there, it makes me very angry.

American Eagle has teamed up with The CW on Tuesdays to bring you the Aerie Girls during commercial segments of the Gilmore Girls and Veronica Mars. During these commercials, the Aerie Girls will relate to each other about what has happened during the TV shows you have been watching. By “relate” I mean “read words from a script.”

If you are a commercial for American Eagle, come out and say you are a commercial for American Eagle. Don’t put on this horribly fake persona and pretend I’m an idiot.

And another thing. Radio, I’m talking to you here. I know you are not in a bar talking to real people about what shows are coming up this week. Cut the act. If I was deaf and blind and had no nerve endings and was dead, I could see right through your horrible advertising techniques.

I want everyone to get mad about this Aerie Girls thing. Get angry. Let American Eagle know that you aren’t a stupid cow in a field chewing your cud and waiting to be slaughtered. No, that’s too cliché.

Let American Eagle know you had a casual conversation about the Aerie Girls with your friends, and have decided to shop at the GAP instead.

Wait, the GAP has those creepy Audrey Hepburn commercials. I think we’re in a lose-lose situation here, American consumers.

Just shop at Target. Yeah, that’ll work.

Luke just punched Christopher.

It seems that the Aerie Girls are watching the CW shows tonight as well, and talking casually about it while sitting on a couch and drinking from mugs. Don’t you really want to buy something from American Eagle right now? They watch what you watch! Don’t you want to buy some Aric right now? No, that doesn’t work.

Rory is upset because she wants to go see her boyfriend in London right now, after he left only one or two days ago. Instead, he already bought her a ticket for Christmas. What a bad boyfriend, bringing her over for Christmas in London. I would be upset too. Idiot. That doesn’t seem harsh enough. IDIOT! No, capital letters isn’t doing it either. I’ll try to think of another way to say it.

In a ridiculously hilarious situation, that wacky Kirk set up an out door cafe across the street from Luke’s wrecked restaurant. Kirk crashed a car into Luke’s restaurant last week, which is why it is wrecked. Oh ho ho ho ho, that’s Kirk for you. A character based solely on the need to be contrary to other people’s wants.

Lorelai is upset about Luke still, her fiancé she pissed off by sleeping with someone else. Maybe she shouldn’t have stepped out of character and slept with somebody else.

Oh no, Rory and her now married rocker friend are talking about sex. Married girl had sex once with her boyfriend in the sand in Mexico and now she has sworn off sex forever. Please stop talking about sex. You’re not in a Woody Allen movie.

Luke and Lorelai had an uncomfortable conversation in the middle of the street. How many of these awkward moments will we have to be bored with through this season?

Lorelai has gone about creating an Asian themed night for Rory, because she and Logan couldn’t go on their Asia trip since he went to London. It’s also busy work to keep Lorelai’s mind off of her many stupid mistakes. Silly her, that’s when Rory finds out that Lorelai cheated on Luke. Well, they were broken up. We will still call it cheated.

Duh, of course Rory’s stupid one time sex having friend is pregnant. I must be asleep at the wheel. I should have seen that coming.

You’re already making Lorelai and Luke friends again? That’s lazy writing, Gilmore Girls writers. You showed a lot of effort in keeping that up for a full two episodes.

Really, I was hoping to forget the names of the characters over summer break, but I have had no such luck.

Last season, Rory’s boyfriend went overseas to study and Lorelai shacked up with an old flame. Oh my, what big worries in little Stars Hollow. Damn it, I know the name of the stupid town. Useless information filling up my brain, making sure I don’t remember phone numbers.

The opening scenes have Rory opening up a present and Lorelai hurriedly getting out of her ex’s apartment. Then come the credits, which fill me with a dread that I can not describe.

Lorelai is talking to a crazy neighbor who entered her house and slept on her couch. If that is what happens in small towns, I’ll stay in the murder filled streets of the big city.

After a rough night of sex with the wrong people, Lorelai is in no mood for the fast talking of others. Now she knows how I feel. Not that I have sex with the wrong people. I get annoyed by these people’s fast talking.

There is an empty spot where the “witty” pop culture references should be. They can just take a quick look at Defamer and be set. But they are too lazy to look at the internet. You are not. Hi. How are you doing?

A red light camera? In Stars Hollow? Now I’ve seen everything. Big city problems come to the little town. The red light camera will learn something from these kind small town folk.

Stupid boyfriend Logan and Rory just talked over the phone. He obviously left a different present for Rory that wasn’t the rocket that she found. What a hilarious misunderstanding. I really care about the present that Logan left for Rory. This is a very good plot point that expresses depth and interest.

The whole town got together to see the unveiling of the stop light camera. Did I imply that the rocket was a stupid plot? I stand corrected by this piece of work.

Ahhh, Fast and the Furious talk. There is your half hearted pop culture reference.

Oh no, Lorelai. Half of your bed is so empty! You certainly are broken up.

The best part of this episode was a description of a Twilight Zone episode. I wish I was watching the Twilight Zone.

Luke and Lorelai had their conversation where she says she slept with someone else. Luke drives off. The end. Boo, Gilmore Girls. Yeah, that’s right. I booed the Gilmore Girls just like it was a terrible vaudevillian act.

Bland has altered, or bought a new wedding dress, for some secondary character’s wedding. Their wedding is tomorrow, and the character’s mother is of an old fashioned attitude. A woman of Bland’s age can not attend the wedding alone. It screams “tramp,” as the writing of the show says. Golly, will this whole episode be about secondary characters? I hope not, because I don’t have nicknames for these people yet!

The dialog in this show would send David Mamet into a boredom coma. This isn’t how people talk. It isn’t just the missing swear words that are the problem. There is nothing natural about the conversations on Gilmore Girls. It is like a dog with a turtle growing out of its spine. That is not natural.

It seems like all of the girls in town are on secondary character’s bachelorette party. It isn’t going so well because they missed seeing Richard Gere’s John Popper. I say it makes the party better, but to each their own.

With the bachelorette party just a small plotline, we are on to the “wacky” Buddhist wedding. Look at how different they are from us! Can you believe it? Mother and grandmother spent the whole time fighting in another room. So not only are we to care about the secondary characters, we are supposed to care about their mother’s mother? Bah.

One good thing about being stuck in the basement watching television, I missed answering the doorbell. It happened to be some Jehovah’s Witnesses. Thank you, Gilmore Girls. You saved me from having to fake being polite.

My wife is watching House in the other room. I wish I were watching House. Someone just coughed HIV infected blood on a doctor. Compare that to the Gilmore Girls, where nothing of any importance is happening.

There were two weddings so the grandmother wouldn’t know that they weren’t actually Buddhist. There were also two wedding receptions. It’s like a sitcom without the humor. Just like According to Jim.

13 is wearing a curtain instead of a dress. She seems to think it is dress. I think everyone else is too polite to say anything to her. Like the emperor and his new clothing.

Bland is making a drunken toast and ruining the reception. She is sad because Luke keeps pushing her own wedding back. They didn’t explain that this episode. I know it from watching previous episodes. I wonder if I can live after I cut off my own head.

Bland just called 13 and told her some supposedly hilarious dream about her dog, Paul Anka, getting mixed up with the man, Paul Anka. How funny! Just like those movies where mothers and daughters switch bodies!

One CW commercial.

Oh great, the credits inform me that Sally Struthers is in this episode. Things keep getting better and better.

Gruffy is taking a road trip with his daughter’s class or girl scouts or something. Awww nuts, his daughter goes to Martin van Buren Middle School. I can’t hate that. I think I’ll name her The Little Magician, or the Old Kinderhook. What? You don’t know your Martin van Buren nicknames? For shame.

Logan and 13 are having words about his newspaper article. There are fruit flies involved. I don’t want to get into it. It’s far too boring.

Two CW commercials. Whoa, three CW commercials. One after another there.

Logan and his rich Yale friends are planning some rich adventures in planes and parachutes and foreign countries. That may be worse than owning a horse. I have enough hate to spread around though, don’t you worry.

Four CW commercials. I really need to buy some CW.

Rich Logan is off to get hurt. Bland is worried about her rich parents moving to her town. Some girl is upset about some wedding dress. What could show more boredom than a yawn? I need a Rubik’s Cube and a sleeping bag.

Five CW commercials.

With the age of blogs, do people still publish zines? If newspaper and magazines subscriptions are dropping, is there a place in the world for zines?

Now Gruffy, daughter, and the kids are at a poetry reading. 13 shows up for some reason and there is an awkward moment between her and the zine publisher. I wonder what my eyes would feel like if they were on fire. I bet it’d be weird.

Six CW commercials.

13 and Gruffy’s daughter just met for the first time. That was boring.

13 and Bohemian guy just kissed. Oh man, 13 is stupid. Logan is an idiot. Anyone who loves an idiot is a stupid idiot. Not that zine publishing poet loving Bohemian is any better. I bet he smells like cedar chips.

I had a lot of mixed emotions today. Gilmore Girls barely beat out Kathy Griffin in the voting, and I’m not sure if I’m happy about that or not. I was dreading both options, actually. At least I can write terrible fan fiction about the Gilmore Girls. I hope the Gilmore Girls like menopause.

Do you know what is worse than watching the Gilmore Girls? Watching an episode of the Gilmore Girls you have already seen. That’s the most depressing thing ever. See my original review of this episode here.

What’s worse is I know the back story of 13 and Logan, and why they are fighting. I don’t want to know about the Gilmore Girls!

Three CW commercials so far tonight. I think they’re going for a world record.

There is nothing but the last bit of self control keeping me from finding an appropriate length of rope to end my misery. Kathy Bates would be a welcome diversion at this point.

To keep my brain from drowning in its own vomit, I will start writing more Gilmore Girls fan fiction.

It All Must Come Off
A Gilmore Girls Fan Fiction by Aric McKeown

Bland was sitting in the doctor’s office. Her paper robe rattled as she shifted her weight. She wanted to make a quick quip about her attire, but no one was around to hear it. Like the proverbial tree in the forest, she wouldn’t make a sound.

A bad case of lice was the reason for Bland’s doctor’s visit. She had gotten the lice off of the corpse of 13, her daughter. 13 had died from excessive monkey bites to the eyes and spine. Where the monkeys came from was still a mystery, but the police had given up because Bland talked their brains into a coma. It is very hard for a police officer to file a report if the victim’s mother never shuts up.

After leaving Bland for twenty minutes of solitary thought, the doctor re-entered his office to a steam of nouns, verbs, and adjectives. A man of patience, the doctor let Bland run her mouth until she became horse. The doctor was a wise man, and had scheduled Bland for the first appointment of the day. Come 4pm, Bland finally lost her voice, and the doctor was ready to provide his diagnoses.

“It all must come off,” stated the doctor simply. Bland tried to pose a question, but could not. “Everything needs to come off. Every part of your body is diseased. Arms, legs, head, everything,” continued the doctor.

In reply to Bland’s confused looks, the doctor proceed with, “We will be able to keep you alive in separate trays and jars. The simple fact of the matter is, your body is trying to pull itself apart. With such a diseased body, you will certainly not survive. But if we separate your parts, the disease will not be able to concentrate. Each part of your body will be able to handle the disease on an individual level.”

Bland tried to object, but could not. She wanted to explain in speeds too fast for a humming bird why this didn’t make any sense. The door was not but two feet away, and Bland made a dash for it. The doctor was not a dumb man and had locked the door behind him. He had all the time in the world to perform the corpusectomy. Everything must be removed from everything else, for the good of humanity.

The doctor opened a cabinet, reach inside, and pulled out the chainsaw. The procedure was messy, but very quick. Pain was only in the mind of the patient.

The End

4 CW commercials. 5 CW commercials.

There is still time left. They are bashing Final Destination 3 again. Maybe they should watch their own show. It’s pretty easy to bash and make fun of. See? I just did it right there!

It is funny, I can actually feel the vomit rise in my throat every second I watch this show. Bland has to go to her daughter’s journalism meeting or conference or something. Bland is still not comfortable with Gruffy, her fiancé, suddenly having a daughter.

I’m already very bored. How long until I start the Gilmore Girls fan fiction? It can’t be long now.

1 CW commercial.

13, Bland’s daughter, is busy being editor or something of her college newspaper. One of her reporters is grumpy. Yeah, that is a plot I really care about.

Boring shows should refrain from making their characters say the word “bored.” Everyone who isn’t already aware of how boring the show is, will all of a sudden go “Oh yeah! That’s what I am! Bored!” Then they turn off the TV and find a cure for AIDS. Actually, scratch all that. Tell everyone how boring you are, TV shows.

13 is actually part of a grand college panel about journalism. One of the panelists is wearing a bow tie. Bow ties need to make a comeback. We all need to look a little more dapper.

Nothing gets me quite as excited as when rich people talk about how tough it is to find the right private school.

Another bat mitzvah? That’s one a night for the last two nights on the WB. Is this a conspiracy?

13’s boyfriend’s sister is getting married today. The bridesmaids and bride and now 13 are getting drunk on Champaign. That’s probably a good idea. What is better than slurring your vows? Vows and vowels.

Uh oh, turns out all of the bridesmaids hooked up with 13’s boyfriend. That is too bad for all of us, since we have to hear a lot about “emotions” now.

2 CW commercials.

Someone just broke up with someone. I don’t care enough to even write down their names.

Some other people I haven’t been paying attention to just got engaged. I can only fake an interest in so many subplots at a time.

3 CW commercials.

13 and a Munchkin just got drunk after they both broke up with their significant others. Then Munchkin tried to make out with 13. She wasn’t about to have any of that. Who wouldn’t want to make out with a very short man? Everyone could use a little lower back pain.

Lorelai just proposed to Luke. This is just like the fan fiction I wrote. Okay, maybe I didn’t write any Gilmore Girls fan fiction. Until now!

Why Do I Keep Exploding?
A Gilmore Girls Fan Fiction by Aric McKeown

The morning sun was floating through the blinds at the quaint Dragonfly Inn. Lorelai Gilmore was fast asleep in a chair, having worked late into the night. It was not easy running an inn located in a small Connecticut town. The sun fell directly on Lorelai’s eyelids, gently waking her like the kiss of an angel. Lorelai’s eyes fluttered like the wings of a newly emerged butterfly. “Mmmm, morning already,” Lorelai asked as she gently stretch.

That is when Lorelai suddenly exploded in a burst of flames! Luke, who had been helping Lorelai the previous night, had passed out in a drunken haze the night before. The explosion shook Luke to his bones, waking him from his alcohol fueled slumber. “Whuzza,” muttered Luke. His brain hadn’t gotten the chance to inform him that he was awake yet.

When Luke finally got to his feet, Lorelai was back sitting in her chair. She had a look of terrible pain and fear on her face. “Is everything okay, babe,” asked Luke. Lorelai hated it when Luke called her “babe.”

“I am certainly not okay. I just exploded. I exploded! Who explodes? That doesn’t make any sense. I mean, I’ve seen explosions before. Who hasn’t seen an explosion? I knew they existed. It’s not like I am in a little bubble that is blind to the knowledge that things explode. But I just exploded,” rambled Lorelai. She seemed more upset than she actually was, as she always rambled like a mental patient.

“I…don’t understand,” was all that Luke could manage to say. Then, without warning, Lorelai exploded in a violent display of human innards. Her organs burst all over the place, mostly landing on Luke.

Luke didn’t seem to notice. If it wasn’t bacon and black coffee, Luke wasn’t too interested at this point.

Like ants returning to an anthill, Lorelai’s organs and pieces of skin crawled back together. “That hurts so much,” cried Lorelai.

“Mrrumpfump,” muttered Luke, whose mouth was stuffed with bacon and coffee together.

Wondering what all the commotion was, Rory ran into the room and promptly exploded. Then Lorelai exploded again. Also Luke exploded.

This continued until the end of time and space.

THE END

How can the show only be half over? Fine fine fine. Here is recap to show I am watching, and not just writing fan fiction.

Rory is going to court for some reason and Lorelai is upset with Luke about having kids and buying a house and more unimportant stuff. Luke is just sitting around with a stupid look on his face as people ask him about how he proposed, which he didn’t do.

There is a character on this show named Paris. I might hate her more than any of the Gilmore girls. Is she a Gilmore girl just for being on the Gilmore Girls? She is a girl who is on the Gilmore Girls. So I guess she is a Gilmore girl.

Rory has lots of themed parties. She either throws them or has them thrown for her. She is having a jailbird felony style party right now. In the season finale she had a British themed party. I don’t think I’d be wrong in assuming there were more themed parties.

Rory just got 300 hours of community service and 5 years of probation, I think. For joyriding on somebody else’s boat. If someone can afford a boat, they can afford to care about their boat. Keep that in mind, all you would be joyriders.

Rory is living with her terrible grandparents, because Lorelai and Rory are mad at each other for some reason that I don’t care about. Shouldn’t this show be over yet? Gilmore Girls must be a TV black hole that can stretch the limits of time and space. Damn, now I hate black holes. Thanks a lot, Gilmore Girls.

The preview for the episode said there would be decisions that effect the Gilmore girls’ future. Last time I checked, decisions did not effect the past. What a smart commercial! Stating the obvious. That is like a commercial telling me that tacos are delicious. All you need to tell me is where to buy tacos, not what they are like.

13’s boyfriend is graduating college today. That will lead to conflict.

Want more conflict? The quaint little town where the Gilmore girls live is being overrun by wandering troubadours. That doesn’t really have anything to do with anything. I thought this episode would have to do a lot more with the adventures of Bland and her daughter 13, but I guess I was wrong. There is always time to waste time with a sub-plot.

I think I figured out what the worst thing about this show is. The talking to information ratio is all askew. For every 10 minutes of talking, only about 15 seconds of actual information comes out. I might as well be watching cable news.

Bland has the same coffee maker as me! I will use this blog as a reminder to burn and throw away my coffee maker. That’s too bad. I like coffee.

Bland is avoiding Luke, her fiancé. 13’s boyfriend ended up avoiding her. She broke the chain by not avoiding his father. He put her in her place. It isn’t often you get a chance to out talk 13. If you can, take that chance by the horns and ride it until you’re saddle sore.

Bland’s terribly rich parents are donating so much money to Yale that they are naming a campus building after 13. Oh hee hee hee, the rich. What trouble they get into! Now the rich parents are trying to set up Bland’s ex with a girl right in front of Bland. Oh hee hee hee, the rich.

Sub-plot sub-plot sub-plot. Back the evil rich people.

The worst thing about all this time wasting is that the show is scheduled to go two minutes past the hour tonight. Whoever though of this ploy needs their intestines pulled through their nose and tied to a stampeding elephant. ABC, I’m looking in your direction.

Bland is in the back of a stranger’s car getting psychological advice. Well, not a stranger. The girl Bland’s parents were trying to set her ex up with. A lot of psychology is just talking and getting things off your chest. The Gilmore girls don’t seem to have a problem with that. I don’t see how a session with a psychologist is going to help anything.

13’s boyfriend is headed off to London for the summer, so she is throwing him a London themed bash. He wants her to tell him not to go. She can’t do that, of course, because she loves him. Well duh. People are idiots. That how love in TV and movies work.

Bland and Luke just had a fight about how they should get married right now. Now Bland showed up at her ex’s apartment because she doesn’t want to be alone. That is a boring cliffhanger. It does not involve explosions. There goes 13’s boyfriend, into the elevator. Maybe it will plummet! No? Damn.

I have not made fun of the theme song yet! I did not pay much attention to it, so I can not go into specifics. Suffice it to say, it is stupid. Naw, that was a lame comment. I will come up with something better later. Or next week, if I have to watch this cursed show again.

13, the college age girl who looks like she is 13, has shown up at a hospital because her boyfriend, Logan, is in serious but stable condition. There was a lot of talking. I mean way too much talking. I do not think these Gilmore girls understand that you need to stop talking sometimes to get information in return. It is called a conversation.

Bland, 13’s mother, has shown up in this episode for the firs time. Her fiancé, Luke, is throwing a birthday party for the daughter he just found out he had. That will cause a lot of tension. In the bizzaro world of the Gilmore Girls, tensions does not equate awkward silences. It means running your motor mouth without an end in sight. Do they not know how much gas costs these days?

It think this talking thing is infectious. They infect all those around them with their fast talking disease. We need to stop these Gilmore girls now, before the whole country falls to the disease.

The hospital set looks like a cheap motel lobby. You can probably rent the hospital rooms by the hour, if you would like to wet your willy.

Man oh man! There is such a thing as comic timing, Gilmore Girls! If all the talking and jokes are paced with exactly the same speed and inflection, people are not going to laugh. That is, assuming that these pop culture references are supposed to be funny.

Half way through the episode, it is time for the awkward birthday party. Oh Luke, you laid the smack down on the girls. You can not be a fun dad if you put down so many rules for a party. Hold on a second, this is the second show with a birthday party I have seen this week!

Logan, who is laid up in a hospital bed and on many drugs, is talking fast. This disease does not take a breath! We are not safe! Perhaps a bomb shelter could save us all.

Luke is failing terribly at throwing a birthday party. He needs Bland to come save him. He needs Bland? That is trouble.

Aww, how can I dislike a show where two stupid 13 year old girls give each other a terrible high five because they get to have makeovers?

The real 13 just left a really harsh message on Logan’s father’s answering machine! Wow, it is tough yelling at a machine. Good work.

There is a lot of girly talk going on. I am zoning out. Sorry. I hear “Lipsmackers” and my eyes roll back in my head.

I would invent a drinking game for this show, if I could focus on anything that they were saying.

I think this show is on pace to be as bad as Ghost Whisperer. At least with Ghost Whisperer, I can focus enough hatred towards Jennifer Love Hewitt. Here, I do not know who to hate the most.