Lorelai is talking and talking and talking about Logan asking her for permission to ask Rory to marry him. I wonder what will happen in the final episode! Which is next week! Can you believe it? Finally!

Rory is graduating, and Paris is angry about something. Like usual. How can they not stretch out another ten seasons?

I am wearing stereo headphones and can really enjoy the stereo separation of the Gilmore Girls. It have annoying voices pumping into both ears!

How many shoes advertisements can they stuff in between this horrible spaces of this show?

Kirk is going to be sitting in a box this episode. Wacky Kirk. Insert you own euphamism here. And here.

They are going to put on a play about Rory’s life in Gilmore Girls? How can this not kill me? This sounds more lethal than poison. The lethal substance and the band. Which is also a lethal substance.

Rory’s grandparents are singing a parody of a Cole Porter song about Rory’s graduation. Now Logan is proposing to her. Rory didn’t know what to say. Probably because Logan didn’t get down on what knee. The fool!

Rory is all torn an emotional about the proposal. I would be too, if I were in the Gilmore Girls. But that is because the writers would keep stringing my character along for no good reason. It would be pre-destined.

And finally, Rory graduated and turned down Logan’s proposal. She likes life being wide open. Like her stupid mouth! Zing!

It has been a few months since I have seen the Gilmore Girls. Just when I thought this knife that was removed from my body was gone, it is plunged back into my weak flesh. Stop stabbing me!

How quickly will I able to catch up the plot I missed? One tw….good. There I am. I guess all the talking is just a cover for the lack of real movement.

Today’s plot? Chicken pox. I wonder if Saved by the Bell ever did a chicken pox plot. I could be wrong. Maybe it was Family Ties or Home Improvement.

Rory is opening letters for her roommate. That’s the other plot. Actually, Rory is opening acceptance letters for her grumpy friend. She keeps getting into schools, which makes her grumpier and grumpier. Funny, my mood is moving the same way.

The volume of commercial on the CW is on level with the show. This is the exact opposite of the SciFi channel, which will destroy your eardrums if you aren’t careful.

Lorelai isn’t wearing a helmet while biking, after she broke her car by being stupid. I would have less of a head if I didn’t wear my helmet. Wear a helmet, boys and girls. It’s cool to be safe!

Luke and Lorelai are becoming friends again, after she and her husband divorced. I assumed. It’s a pretty safe assumption, since I don’t see him around anywhere.

This just in, from the CW, silk dresses are in! Thank you, faux commercial!

Lorelai and Luke are looking for a car. They are both annoying each other, but are too polite to let it really show. Which causes them to talk very quickly about more than nothing. Sure, that sounds like par for the course, but it really is taken up an annoying notch.

And another notch! And another notch! It’s like a severe weather siren that doesn’t reach a peak.

When an actress says, “I’m only 22,” in a scene and invisible milk squirts out your nose, that’s too bad for the actress.

Oh no! Rory didn’t get her reporting fellowship! I am so sad now because of television!

It’s odd how much Gilmore Girls have changed my life. On the car ride home from work I found myself hoping that Gilmore Girls would be canceled. As a normal male human being, this thought should never have to enter my mind.

Lorelai and hubby broke up, and now she and Rory need to break it to her parents. And they ran out of gas. How charming.

Grandfather is recovering from a heart attack. Grandmother is her own terrible self. And for some reason, we have to suffer through it. I don’t watch TV to experience annoyance.

Grumpy grandpa has indicated the soup is not a meal. Finally, I agree with something on Gilmore Girls! Time to break out the champaign!

Tuesday was already a terrible day in my book. The constant strain of Gilmore Girls is going to kill me. Or make me go bald.

No, I’m not watching American Idol. No, I’m not watching To Catch A Predator. I am stuck, yet again, with the Gilmore Girls. Should I change the name of this site to Make Me Watch the CW? I hate you all.

The girls pull out all the stops for February sweeps! They’re talking unnaturally fast and getting in to absurd situations. What a difference!

Papa Gilmore is recovering from a heart attack, and Bland (Lorelai) is in a fight with her husband who is angry about a letter of recommendation she wrote for Scruffy (Luke). 13 (Rory) is going back to Yale after visiting Papa Gilmore. Explaining the plot to the Gilmore Girls feels like shoveling snow on the Sun. What’s the point?

A funeral for a dog? What a great sweeps stunt!

Watching this show is like eating cotton balls. All squeaky feeling when you’re shewing them and then they travel to your stomach where they sit for one hundred years while collecting every germ that passed by until they kill you. Do you really want to die at 100?

Bland and hubby just had a fight. In other new, the sun rose for about the billionth time today.

13 is all a flutter over the new TA who is taking her grandpa’s Yale class while he gets better. What does any of this matter? Nothing highlights the futility of watching television like a terrible TV program.

It’s over.

I finally figured out what I dislike the most about Gilmore Girls. It is not the constantly wacky situations they get in to. If it were, then I should hate The Office for the exact same reason. Seeing as how I love The Office, it must be something else.

I hate Gilmore Girls because they know full well they are getting in to wacky situations. They do it on purpose, and acknowledge it. “Aren’t we crazy for having Christmas late,” they think and say to themselves. If they had goatees and creepy eyebrows, they would be thinking about their wackiness while while stroking said hairy objects.

Seven Christmas trees? Oh Girls of Gilmore. You’re so crazy.

Bland (Lorelai) is asked by her ex, Scruffy (Luke), to write a letter for him. Something about being a character witness for his custody of his kid they he just found out he had. Is that boring enough for you?

This show becomes a lot better if you pretend everyone is eternally stuck in limbo. This is where they will be stuck forever, going neither to Heaven nor Hell. An eternity of nonsense that doesn’t matter.

Bland is putting off letter writing until the very last moment. Scruffy’s nerd daughter showed up to hang out with Scruffy. Then they had to go and exchange a rock tumbler. Sometimes if feels like sleep lives in the back of your throat, ready to strike at the drop of a hat.

Did you know that your tax dollars are paying for these awful Above the Influence commercials? When did the Office of National Drug Control Policy decide to hire a drunk and retarded spider to create their advertising?

And Christmas turned out for all. In case you were worried.

It is Tuesday, and that means the Gilmore Girls are here to visit. Think of Gilmore Girls as my period. Except it happens four times a month instead of once. Just you think about that.

Lorelai and Christopher are trying to pick out a new house. You’re still thinking about my period, aren’t you? Stop that!

As you are well aware, most of the season’s new dramas that carry a plot from episode to episode were canned. Yet, Gilmore Girls has continued planning a wedding show for the last two episodes. Planning a wedding shower. That’s better than a bank heist in what way?

Lorelai is trying to get out of her post-wedding wedding shower because her stuck up snobby mother insists on throwing it for her. Mother hires an opera aficionado slash party planner to plan this stuck up party. Boy, those rich. They sure live in a different from ours. Surely we should appreciate our simple life. Is this show middle class propaganda?

The cable went out for a split second. It gave me the tiniest moment of hope that I was saved for the evening. No such luck.

Rory is showing off Logan to her Yale friends. Her friend’s boyfriend is into Rory, so that’s all awkward. Rory doesn’t talk as fast when she is caught in a lie. That’s the secret to her demise. If you ever capture Rory in a cage of white gold, trick her into lying and she shall vanish from the face of the Earth.

Christopher is trying to pressure Lorelai into having a kid. Another kid, since they had Rory a long time ago. It is awkward. I don’t care.

James Gunn’s brother is trying to outsell the middle schoolers in their wrapping paper fund drive.

The post-wedding wedding show is turning out to be more of an actual wedding. Christopher is for it and Lorelai is against it. I really really care about watching this relationship develop. And I really really am being sarcastic. Really.

Luke is looking old and balding. Lorelai really dodged a bullet there. Dodged a bullet by sleeping with another man. It’s not her fault they were naked, someone shot at her, and she just happened to fall in that unfortunate position. That isn’t true at all.

Lorelai’s friend is mad at her for not telling her that she knew her boyfriend since freshman year. Luke blurted it out, and now he’s the jerk. How is this even a thing? What kind of sense does this make? If you run out of plots, you can’t make up something that doesn’t even make sense.

Luke and Christopher are exchanging blows now. That’s cause and effect. Not this made up nonsense that isn’t even a real thing.

Gilmore Girls doesn’t seem so bad after a night of watching TLC. But then, Lorelai started talking. Sigh.

Lorelai and Christopher are having dinner with Lorelai’s parents. They are a lot of snarky comments, as the wedding was secret and Lorelai announced it on their answering machine.

Now the terrible parents are insisting on a parents. Actually, “terrible” isn’t a very descriptive adjective in this situation. You know, because everyone on this show is terrible.

Logan is back in town for some reason. And Rory is moving in with Paris. I want to say that I hate Paris, but what’s the point? You know how I feel.

Oh no. The driving storyline centers around a knit-a-thon. Here is the big problem. If that was the plot of a The Office episode, I could see all the insane possibilities that the characters could get in to. In Gilmore Girls, I roll my eyes and look at my watch. Characters and writers make a huge difference. Obviously.

Rory, whose writers think it’s clever to have her throw theme parties, is throwing a 2002 party. Keep reaching for the lowest stars, fellas. These stories are golden!

Christopher is a Stars Hollow outsider. Lorelai is concerned about acclimating the town to him. It is a little like scuba diving. If you rise to the surface too quickly, you get the bends. You need to adjust. When happens with the bends? Is it just bubbles in your brain?

Farming analogies? I suppose.

Luke has some dumb subplot too. His daughter is being moved to New Mexico. Why are we waisting our time with Luke? He is not a Gilmore Girl. Is he? Now that would be a plot.

And a baby was born. And Rory is having issues with her friend’s boyfriend. All of this plot annoys and bores me.

Christopher donated all the money needed for the knit-a-thon, promptly ending the knit-a-thon. And Luke wants more to do with his daugh….daugh….yawn! Sorry. Daugher. Yawn.

Chris proposes to Lorelai in Paris tonight on Gilmore Girls. I know this because I heard it on a radio commercial. This show is really pulling out all the stops for sweeps, huh? What an interesting and unique twist!

Chris and Lorelai get to Paris by taking Chris’ daughter, Gigi, to see her mother. Yeah, they named the kid Gigi. This Gigi is not played by Leslie Caron.

Rory is stepping down as editor-in-chief of the Yale newspaper. Hopefully this ends the constant terrible storylines about a college newspaper and gets us on to some new terrible storylines.

The new editor has dirty blond hair but it is styled like Harpo Marx. That isn’t an attractive look. That’s probably why he works for the school newspaper. He can hide himself away so no one mistakes him for Captain Spalding, the African explorer. He brought his name undying fame, and that is why we say, hooray, hooray, hooray.

Paris, the person, should not appear in the same episode where Paris, the place, is being visited. Just pointing that out.

And the strong Asian girl who turned into a uncharacteristically weak and pregnant wife is having twins with her slacker husband. This is uninteresting. Yet it is here in prime time, shoved down our throats as “entertainment.” Why do terrible TV shows on the longest?

Rory and her college friends are hanging out at her house giving each other hair highlights. This proves my theory that Rory is 13 years old. Needless to say, there is a lot of unnecessary talking.

Great, Chris is super rich like Lorelai’s parents. So now we get to watch his privileged adventures too. He paid off a fancy French restaurant to open for them at five in the morning. Isn’t it fabulous to be fabulously wealthy?

I can really relate to all of this. Every single thing that is going on. Twins, hair highlights, privilege, Paris, Paris, and being newspaper editor. It is like this is my life! On screen!

Chris’ proposal was no real proposal. No knees. No ring. Just casual conversation across a table. Could that have any less impact?

Lorelai must have said yes and married Chris, but she looks tentative.

Oh no, the Aerie Girls! I thought I had destroyed them!