The Big Brother 7: All-Stars have been in the house for 72 days. What do they have to show for it? Lots of clips that we will be assaulted with for the next hour.

Mike and Erika are the last two all-stars left in the Big Brother house, and I could care less. That’s not true. I dislike Mike more than I dislike Erika. Don’t get confused, I dislike them both a whole bunch. I was just born with a hatred of anyone who calls themselves “Boogie.” It’s my problem, not theirs.

The last seven people kicked out of the house form the jury. The jury decides which of the final two win the game. The jury is sitting on patio furniture and talking very loudly. They are like your white trash neighbors who sit on the lawn all day. Why did you buy a house if you are going to lay outside until the sun comes up again?

The jury is asking the final two house guests one question each. It is time to become a couple of Spin Doctors. Don’t let anyone know, but I still like them. Did you know that they have five full length albums? Chew on that for a while. It tastes weird.

Howie just plugged his website while voting. Do not visit his website. I don’t know what is on there, but it can only be naked pictures of Howie. Grab the screensaver, if you like.

Clips clips clips clips clips clips clips clips clips.

And Mike wins Big Brother 7: All-Stars. Just another TV event that will not effect our lives in any meaningful way whatsoever.

Speaking of meaningless, let’s move over to Rock Star: Supernova.

Beating out Veronica Mars for the first time in a long time is Big Brother 7: All-Stars.

I accidentally ordered green pepper on my pizza instead of green olive. Green pepper has no place in anything except salads.

Erika and Danielle were put up on the chopping block by Janelle. Put up for destruction. There was a Doctor Who episode were players were killed instead of being voted off. That sounds like a fun twist. Let’s try it out for a season, see if it sticks.

Mike (I will not call him Boogie) is trying to get some heavy petting from Erika in exchange for his vote. Clinton tried that. It worked pretty well. How is that for topical?

Marcellas said “backdoor.” Where’s my drink?

Oh yeah, there is a new power called the “e pluribus unum” or something. Whatever it’s call, it lets the winner of the power grab control from the Head of Household at any time they choose. From many, one indeed!

Janelle told Howie to guess “a wolf in sheep’s clothing” as the common saying, to win the special power. Then she told him to tell the other house guests he guessed “spool of lies.” Let me check with Google to see if that is a real phrase. It appears that Mark Twain used it once in chapter 24 of Life on the Mississippi. Other than that, it has failed completely in making to our common lexicon. Idiots. Spool of lies? That’s some quick thinking. It took two people to pull the wool over their eyes. Hey, wool over their eyes? That’s a phrase.

The veto competition involves previous house guests completing tasks, and then the current house guests get to write how much faster they can do it. They then have to prove that they can. Thankfully, this is much more interesting than answering questions in chambers with faulty answering equipment.

In an attempt to let Danielle win the power of veto, James threw the competition with the worst acting ever seen. I was a better actor in second grade when I pretended to miss the school bus.

No one believes James’ acting. There is a lot of bad acting this episode. Howie should grab his “spool of lies” and join James in the spilled Champaign room.

Will and Mike took separate showers with Janelle and Erika. Everybody is playing everybody. This is how the game should be. Not that I will stop giggling about “spool of lies” anytime soon. That sounds like something our Commander in Chief would say.

Danielle takes herself off of the chopping block, and Janelle put up Marcellas in her place. I hope you have seatbelts on your couch, because you’re in for a rollercoaster of emotions next episode.

Welcome back! How are you? Look at this! My cable and internet are working again, just in time to watch Big Brother 7: All-Stars.

James and Kaysar are currently on the chopping block tonight. Man, I bet James gets backdoored. I wish I had a stiff drink, so I could slam some strong alcohol down my throat when someone utters that stupid phrase. This Crystal Light Lemonade will have to do. Mmmm, sugar substitute.

The beginning of this episode is nothing but James and Kaysar trying to gather votes so they can stay in the house. I would like to see the nominees given half an hour to edit footage from the house into a smear campaign against their fellow nominee. That would be good television! Instead, we get a lot of people whispering in bedrooms with their clothes on.

Big Brother is looking at a montage of Will and Mike, while their mothers talk about them. Sorry, I must have fallen asleep there. A montage mixed with mothers talking about their children works like Tylenol PM for me. Especially if the mothers are saying “Chill Town.”

James is boring. If you are anyone’s support system in the Big Brother house, then you are boring. You aren’t going to get into a big fight or threaten someone with a knife. Get out of my sight.

The vote tonight is live, which means it is a big waste of time as house guests go in and out of the diary room to cast their vote.

Damn, it looks like Kaysar is going home. Really, neither of the nominees was a troublemaker, so this vote means little to nothing to me. At least the always exciting (sarcasm) head of household competition is next.

The Big Brother house was haunted by house guests from seasons past this week. That would be interesting, if it didn’t lead to a boring trivia competition.

Do you ever feel bad for the pistachios that are too hard to open, and are forever trapped in their shell coffins?

Julie Chen is promising a big twist before this episode is up. I don’t trust her. Her twist probably involves giving everyone except one person a cupcake. That will turn everything on its head!

Julie just announced the coup d’Etat, which lets one guest overthrow the head of household at any time and replace their nominations. Nothing sounds exciting when it is coming out of Julie Chen’s mouth, unless she was vomiting the stars of action movies.

Now there is a sheep in the house. A wolf would be something, a sheep is nothing.

More Big Brother 7: All-Stars? Granted, it is one of the few things this summer that isn’t a rerun. Alright, alright. I hear what you’re saying. We’ll do it your way.

Last episode I saw was Chicken George and Doctor Will, my two favorite characters…I mean…players on a reality TV show, being put up for eviction. Chicken George pulled through like a trooper and won the power of veto. Taking himself off of the chopping block, Jase was put on his place. You remember Jase, right? The guy with the fake sounding name? Who would marry a Jase?

Jase and Will both made speeches about how they wanted to go. Both of them were lying, but Jase was just copying Will. The only good copy cat is that cat that was painting a pie chart in that one commercial. Do you remember that adorable commercial? Everyone loves animals that do human things. Need more proof? Mr. Ed. Hey, did you know that Mr. Ed was actually a zebra? It’s true!

The plague of the 21st century is the reality TV results show. Reality TV is just fine. It’s cheap to produce. There is lots of drama. If done right, it can be very entertaining. But think of how much time you would have back if you never watched a single results show! That’s about a month of your life! Sure, I didn’t use actual math to come to that conclusion, but it sure sounds like it might possibly sort of be true!

I was a vegetarian for a year just to prove to myself that I could do it. Do you think that attitude has something to do with letting people make me watch TV?

With a vote of 9 to 0, Jase got the boot. Damn, how can Doctor Will keep doing that? Don’t people understand that he is dangerous? He already won once with his tricks! Get it through your heads! Of course, I’d be sad to see him go.

Jase keeps saying he got “backdoored.” Backdoored? Man, I hate Jase.

It is time once again for the ever boring Head of Household competition. The houseguests are buzzing in and saying which word’s definition contains a certain other word. I was on the edge of my chair the whole time! You just can’t understand how exciting that was to watch! That was not a waste of time in the least! If I could watch anything all day for the rest of my life, it would be that.

Oh yeah, some girl with a name that starts with “J” won the Head of Household competition. I don’t care. It’s easier not to care. Then you don’t get hurt.

Sorry about yesterday, everyone. My cable internet decided to take the day off, and I was left with no choice but to follow. But I’m back, just in time for Big Brother 7: All-Stars.

I can’t wait until Julie Chen screws up this episode. I have a feeling that she will accidentally do a “Heil Hitler” right in the middle of explaining the Head of Household challenge.

Nakomis and Diane are up on the chopping block this week. I don’t care about or for either of them. That means that it will be a very exciting episode for me.

If you are gay, you get to take baths with women. That seems like a mean trick on God’s part.

Kaysar gets his own little flashback now. Apparently, he’s the first Muslim to be on a reality show like this. Oh, wait a second. I’ve already heard these facts one thousand times before. Thanks for the update, Julie Chen. I’m going to blame everything on Julie Chen.

Another reason to hate Jase, besides his name, is that he wants to be Brad Pitt. I mean, who doesn’t want to be Fight Club Brad Pitt. But who wants to be the “grab as many babies as you can” Brad Pitt?

Nakomis is out. I am unmoved. Oh, wait. I am moved! She’s the one who says “cool beans.” Anyone who says “cool beans” doesn’t even deserve to be on welfare. I would have voted her out too.

We have come to the Head of Household competition. The name of the game is called “Pay Attention.” Pay attention? That’s action packed! There is nothing more exciting than watching people take a multiple choice test! If only they were filling little bubbles in with number two pencils on their Scantron sheets.

James won the Head of Household competition. James is not to be confused with Jase. Wait, who the heck is James? What is going on? What have I done with my life?

Hey, look over here! It’s another episode of Big Brother 7: All-Stars! I remember when this show was on 4 days a week. Man, that pissed me off.

Alison and Danielle are on the chopping block this episode. I want whoever will cause more problems to stay. Conflict is interesting. It seems like people who call themselves “bitch” would cause some conflict. Go Alison!

They should really make the walls thicker in the Big Brother house. Then people wouldn’t have to whisper so much, and I wouldn’t have to read subtitles. If you aren’t a wonderful foreign film, I don’t want to see any subtitles.

Alison also has a nicer mane than Danielle. She is like a pony who eats sugar cubes full of hate and lies. That’s one tough pony.

I could never be friends with anyone named Jase. Say I get a call on my cell phone, and someone asks me where I was. I would have to say, “I’m at Jase’s.” Say that out loud to get the full effect. “Jase’s.” I would have to cut off a toe for penance every time I said that.

I am sick of the word “alliance.” Everyone needs to start using “coalition” instead. They also need to start calling a Club sandwich a “Coalition of Deliciousness.”

Alison was voted out. You voted out the evil pony, you fools! There are enough evil people left to satisfy my hunger, but the evil ratio in now less.

It makes sense though. An area of high density will always try to even out with an area of low density. There is a term for that, but my brain is all busted up. Diffusion? That sounds too simple. I think it was something bigger and more scientificy. Scientificy? I don’t deserve to know the word I’m looking for.

Danielle is looking very somber. She is trying to be overly steady, like she just got out of rehab.

The smart woman that she is, Julie Chen just named the wrong person the Head of Household. Give her some slack though, it is pretty hard. Matching the card that says “false” with the other card that says “false.” She was quickly corrected.

This actually leads me to a point, I wish that Big Brother was more random. I want the houseguests to be kept on their toes. I want a voice with no origin to tell them what to do. If they say the wrong person wins the challenge, the wrong person wins. I want them to turn on sirens and get everyone out of bed at two in the morning to make as many sandwiches as they can, run 20 laps around the yard, and then send them back to bed. That would be good watching.

Oh, and Kayser won Head of Household for real. So there you are.

On Big Brother 7: All-Stars tonight, we find out which self proclaimed “all-stars” were voted into the Big Brother house. Forget that we already know who got voted in, because of the wonderful internet. Let us pretend that it is a surprise.

Four girls were just announced. Janelle, Nakomis, Diane, and Erika. I don’t remember seeing any of these girls before. They have decided to share the big quadruple bed. You can actually hear the producers pumping their fists.

The next four guys are Howie, who is talking about the “all-star boobies” in the house, Kaysar, and two other guys.

My favorite part of this show? The names of the players are displayed at the bottom of the screen. This is how all shows on TV should be.

Evil Will, Danielle, Marcellas, Alison, “Chicken” George, and Mike “Boogie” are also in the house. Seriously, America? Mike? Didn’t you read that I called him a poser?

Alison and Erika hate each other. Will and Mike are already scheming. George is alienating himself by calling himself Snoop “Chicken” George and then rapping. Oh George.

The Big Brother players are going to compete for the head of household spot. The head of household gets to nominate players that are put of for eviction. They also get a private bedroom. But, in a huge twist (note my sarcasm, please), there will be two heads of household. Yawn.

The head of household competition consists of trying to knock people off of a slow moving merry-go-round with an asteroid. Why an asteroid? Why not an asteroid?

The two heads of household need to agree on which two houseguests they want to nominate for eviction, or else their own heads go up on the chopping block.

There is a guy named Jase? That sounds like a mistake.

People are scheming in whispers. It all seems boring and petty. I had forgotten how much talking there was in this show. We aren’t going to see any explosions, except for emotional explosions.

Ooooo, Alison and Danielle both got their backsides handed to them. They were trying to “play” everyone right out of the gate, but they are the ones who got played!

Whatever, I already stopped caring.

Another summer, another Big Brother 7: All-Stars. Well, not another Big Brother 7. Just another Big Brother.

I haven’t watched this show since the second season. The first season had “Chicken” George, who I really enjoyed watching. The second season had Will, who was a complete jerk who won. It was great. The Flaming Lips were right. Evil will prevail.

This is the first episode of season seven. We get to see the all-stars and vote on who we want in the house for the season. So it’s a clip show, basically. Dang.

I forgot about Bunky, the hairy gay guy from season two. Sure, I’d like to see him in there too.

Mike Boogie? What a poser. Sorry, that was wrong. The bleached blond hair and pooka necklace speak to great intelligence.

The prize is a half-million dollars? Those are some deep pockets you have there, CBS.

I think I remembered parts of season three. Perhaps I tried it, and then got bored. That seems pretty likely. Maybe the personalities were so tired that I forgot that I even watched it. Maybe I got a summer job at the pool. Maybe I went on a secret killing spree that took up most of my time. Who knows? Certainly not the cops.

Hell, I watched the fourth season too? In season four, they had 10 contestants, and then 10 more contestants. Each contestant had an ex of theirs in the house with them. It sounds like a really twisted and neat idea. That’s why we all need our ears examined. Do you have hair growing out of yours? Are you sure?

Awesome, this is where I dropped off. Left with the terrible taste of season four in my mouth, I decided not to eat a heaping helping of season five.

The ratio of people on Big Brother who refer to themselves in the third person is huge. It’s like a disease. Does CBS not provide raincoats to the more promiscuous house guests?

I complained a lot when I had to watch Big Brother with my wife back in the day. Now look what I’m doing. Offering my TV schedule up to strangers. I’m an idiot.