This is the first episode of Battlestar Galactica that I have ever seen. I was encouraged to get myself up to date before watching this episode, but that isn’t what this site is about. Join me, in my confusion of seeing it for the first time!

Humans created Cylons. Cylons rebelled. I hope that is all I need to know.

Robot people, who might just be these Cylons I keep hearing so much about, murdered a truckload of people that were taken out to the middle of nowhere.

Oh yeah, and “frak” is the swear word of the future. But I learned that from Veronica Mars.

A friend or daughter of some dude with one eye is on a Cylon murder list. She escaped at the beginning of the episode. Someone in a mask let her go, actually. Not a Nixon mask or anything like that. Did Nixon exist in the Battlestar Galactica universe?

There were lots of explosions and gun fire. The resistance, as they may or may not be called, saved the trucks full of people.

There is a SciFi original movie on this weekend called Haunted Prison. That is going to be so awful, I can’t wait! It stars Gary Busey’s son!

From what I can tell, a guy who looks like John Travolta from Pulp Fiction is sad. I wonder who the most important character in this show is. That way, I can concentrate on them, and no one else. That could clear up a little confusion. Really, I’m just lazy. So it would allow my laziness to flourish.

Some attack is being planned. Soon, there will be space ships and loud explosions in space, even though there is no sound in space.

Hold up, someone is named Commander Pegasus. Pegasus, like a magical flying horse that you would find in the dreams of six year old girls.

An old smoking man in bloody clothes is talking to Xena, the princess who also a warrior. One of them is human and one of them a Cylon. I can’t tell which is which.

Dean Stockwell has shown up to drink booze and dream of candy colored clowns called the Sandman. See, I went for the Blue Velvet reference instead of the Quantum Leap reference.

A bunch of slow talking and plot development is happening. A dead baby who isn’t dead is involved. Damn, and this space fight is going to have to start in the next episode. I feel ripped off.

Okay, young lads and older fellows with acne scars. Go ahead and convince me that this show is better than I think it is.