America’s Next Top Model starts the night of the CW viewing for me, with the terrible and awful One Tree Hill coming up next. Just getting you ready. The show can really send a body into shock if you don’t prepare yourself.

I missed the last episode because I was seeing Amy Sedaris live. The girls tried their hand at acting. It would have helped if they put any other body part into their performance. Just kidding, I don’t know how well they did. Why do I always assume they did horribly? Oh, right. Because they are horrible people. Especially Melrose. And that is why we watch!

The girls called up the guys from their last photo shoot for a booty call. I mean, they just kissed. They just showed kissing. I assume booty was involved, but I always assume booty is involved. What caused the US civil war? Booty.

Did I mention that the girls are in Spain now? No? That’s because it isn’t important.

The first competition of the episode involves the girls running around town seeing as many different designers as they can. Then they must be back to their place of origin by 6 pm. Not their mother’s womb. You’re weird. I mean their fashion studio.

Melrose won the challenge, the other girls are pissed. Such is life. Do you think everyone in the world hates Melrose? I mean, even Hitler had a couple friends.

The girls are freaking out because they have to shoot with a bull. Then one of them insulted their photographer before they started. And it wasn’t even Melrose!

With the photos taken, it is time to waste half an hour before someone is booted. So, what are your Turkey Day plans?

The models are judging each other now. Now the judges are judging them. Amanda is going home! No, wait. Michelle is going home. One of the twins is going home. I guess I won’t have this problem next week.

Hey, I haven’t been forced to watch America’s Next Top Model in a while. With my favorite trouble maker kicked out, let’s see who steps up to the plate to cause some sparks.

Brooke went home last episode. so the remaining girls are writing a song about her. Because they liked her. It wasn’t a terrible Mad Libs sort of song. Brooke is very ______ and also has a big _____.

The first lesson for the remaining models is action modeling. They will be diving for a volleyball in the sand while trying to look good. Most of them are failing miserably. The “I-am-sitting-on-the-can” pained look isn’t sexy.

James St. James is helping the girls with some NASCAR shooting. James St. James looks like Nosferatu without the fingernails and heterosexuality.

Anchal is really annoying. She is very whiny and doesn’t want to put effort into anything because she is embarrassed. Boo goo. I hope she sticks around to make the other girls angry.

Melrose, not winning the challenge, won a bunch of clothes from the challenge. That’s what happens then the Democrats are back in control. Am I right? Am I right?

For the elimination challenge, the girls will be floating in the air in a sky diving training…umm…tube. They’ll be floating over a big fan. It is harder than it looks. Probably. I guess I wouldn’t know, because I can only look at how it looks.

25 minutes left? Time to slowly judge the photos. Big sigh.

Have 20 more minutes actually passed? I couldn’t tell because it’s hard to judge time when stuck in a vacuum of nothing.

And Anchal is out. Duh.

I wrote that before I found out who was kicked out. As it turns out, I was right. I was kind of hoping to be wrong. It would have been funnier.

Who will be America’s Next Top Model? It will not be you or me. Sorry. I didn’t mean to make you sad.

The hair product commercial ratio goes way up when America’s Next Top Model is on the air. It is certainly some sort of government conspiracy.

Melrose just made the cut last time after acting like a diva at her photo shoot. She fell to her knees and cried when she made it to the next round. The other girls think she was being fake. Oddly enough, I believe her. And I don’t believe anybody. Especially not models. They’re always, like, “Aric, you’ll never make it to a size 0.” And I’m all like, “Nuh huh!”

The girls are getting some hair makeovers. Layers? Different colors? Slow down, Tyra. Don’t be too drastic. Whoops, spoke too soon. There will be some long hair falling to the ground. Hopefully none of these models get their strength from their hair. You know, like that Bible guy. Noah. That whale totally choked on his hair and he was spit out.

Now Melrose is crying because she didn’t want her hair changed. Okay, now I’m sick of Melrose and her crying.

The next challenge has the girls trying to impress a Cover Girl executive with a look they put together themselves, makeup and all. This spells disaster. Whoa, Megg was too slow to pick her makeup and missed the elevator. She was eliminated. Bam, bitchy Monique was eliminated. I can’t wait to hear her rant and rage! I will be pissed if she is eliminated.

There is only one phone in the model house, and Monique spent 3 hours and 31 minutes on it. She spent a lot of time talking to her mother, who does nothing but inflate Monique’s giant ego. Ancal, bless her heart, went in to hang up the phone on Monique. She is lucky to get out of there alive. I love watching Monique.

In the final elimination challenge of the episode, the models are having a hair challenge. They brought in weavologists to help with this challenge. Wait, what? Yep, the screen said “weavologist.”

Maybe you do need a degree to be a weavologist. They put spinners in some of the model’s hair! Spinners! No hydraulics though.

Slowly slowly slowly, we make it to the elimination. Monique stays, and that is all I care about. Megan is going home. That doesn’t matter to me. We have another week of insane drama coming up. Go Monique!

A new season of America’s Next Top Model is here. It is time, once again, to root for the meanest model there is.

Wow, the contest started right when the models stepped off the plane at the airport. Photos were flying. That’s the first thing I do when I get off a plane. I grab somebody and get snapping.

There is something very similar about all of these models. Something about their waistlines. They’re huge! They should really go on a diet. I mean, they could hardly fit all 21 models into a telephone booth. That’s pathetic.

Oh lordy, there is already crying. Modeling is all about being who you are?

TWINS! What is up with TV and it’s obsession with twins? They can read your thoughts! Get rid of them!

Did I mention that I am watching this show on the new CW? How long before they can no longer call it the “new” CW?

Everyone is in their teens. I want to see the 32 year old housewives who want to try modeling.

There is no making fun of Megan, 22. When she was younger, she was in a plane crash with her mother. Her mother died of hypothermia, but she was also lying on her daughter. That kept young Megan warm enough to survive. Yowza. I have a tough enough time bothering to take 30 seconds to heat up a PopTart, let alone a little girl.

Yes yes yes, models. You are different, just like everyone else. Get in line.

Cyndel has a mouth like Jack Nicholson’s version of the Joker. She is an exotic dancer, if you want to imagine Jack Nicholson shaking his booty in your face.

Melissa Rose calls herself Melrose. You see, that is Mel minus the Issa plus the Rose. Sorry, I didn’t mean to confuse you with math. It was probably a shock to your system after concentrating on the models.

Half an hour into the first episode, we have our first cuts. The ugly scary creepy twins made it through. That is all you need to know.

The models were just told that they will be posing nude. Ginger, the conservative girl that said she can handle the liberal world of modeling, is none too pleased. I’m not pleased either. If I wanted to see this many ribs, I’d head down to Famous Dave’s. Or I could dig up all of those vagabonds I murdered.

The nude shooting was certainly a good way to stir up emotions. You can’t say you want to win this competition more than anyone, and then wuss out when it comes to nudity. There are plenty of people who want to be nude and don’t want to win a damn thing. It doesn’t work the other way around.

The judges are…judging. They are seeing so many things in the models that I’m not seeing. That’s why I don’t get to judge models. Wait, I’m judging right now. Weird.

Melrose is the first one to make it through in the second round of eliminations this evening. One of the twins made it through. As long as the other one doesn’t, I should be able to make through the rest of the season.

Oh no, there is a Meg and Megan. And the other twin made it through! I’m going to get so confused. I promise you. If I fail to become confused, you can pull my hair out one strand at a time.

With the ranks slimmed down to 13 models, they are moved into one house.

Wasn’t there a rip off of this show for male models? Thank goodness I will never be forced to watch that.

The designers from Elmer Ave. are providing the clothes for the next challenge. “Elmer Ave. is all about rock and roll.” Thanks for getting that out, corporate shill.

We get our first look at the models’ runway walk. Hilarious. The models look like they are trying their hardest to pop their hips out of their sockets. Like they will be in pain if their joints function properly for a second longer.

There were only 11 beds in the house for 13 models. Monique made it a point to steal someone else’s bed. Monique is now my favorite. She even poured water on the bed and told people she peed on it. I may never have said this before, but you go girl. Ahhh, that’s why I’ve never said it. It’s stupid as hell.

The Gilmore Girls commercials make me fear the return of the Gilmore Girls. I wonder if there is a Latin term for that fear.

Melrose is a neat freak. She is bossing everyone around.

Hold that thought, Monique is talking about herself in the third person. And she will not take a shower that is less than an hour long. Oh, I hope she doesn’t get kicked out the first episode.

Everyone cheers when Tyra comes on screen. It would be great to have that going in every day life. That might make it hard to sneak into meetings late though.

The next photo shoot challenge is about model stereotypes. Anorexic, drug taking, dumb blond, diva models. That’s a fun idea, admittedly.

Oh Melrose, quit your crying. She didn’t do so well in her photo shoot, so she locked herself in the bathroom. There has to be a better place to lock yourself. I bet real models have rooms specially built to cry in. Just a big closet with a lock on the inside. No toilets needed.

The last half hour is a waste of time. The judges will do very little as they hmm and haw over what model to kick out. You don’t need half an hour for that.

The photos were nothing amazing. Except the girl with puke on her hands sitting on the toilet. That was fantastic.

And Christian is gone. Wait, who the heck was Christian? Oh well, it’s too late to care.

America’s Next Top Model is serving up some more icy stares and pointless attitude on tonight’s episode. Let us all join in and watch. Together.

My wife is calling “bullshit” on Molly Sue getting kicked off last week. My opinion? I do not care. As long as Jade stays on and creates more pointless drama, I will be happy. There should not be anything in this show that will cause me to yell “bullshit.” Stranger things have happened. Like this website, for instance.

Jade is crying. The drama starts right away! Brooke is also crying because people think she is a crybaby. That proves their point, really.

I just learned the sexy way to unbutton and take off a jacket. I think I will try that tomorrow! Watch out, e-commerce company where I work! Tomorrow will be sexy Aric day!

Twin, old, and mentally unsound people are teaching the models how to twirl. I will not bring this in to the office tomorrow. Just the sexy jacket take-off. I never do anything that crazy old men tell me. Especially if they are twins. Here is a tip for everybody reading this. If twins are telling you to do the same thing, they are both the evil twin. You have been warned.

The models are being led into a chruch. The models will be tested in a church runway show. It is a runway show. In a church. There was not much to explain there. Sorry if I wasted your time.

Jade won because she twirled a lot. A lot! She would not stop twirling. Perhaps that would transfer over to business negotiations. Is someone underbidding you for a project? Just stand your ass up and give them a twirl. You will be a shoe in.

Everybody, buy Payless Shoes. You should also crump. Jade can crump. That is what we learned when she spoke about herself in the third person.

The models will be crumping, which is “urban” dancing, while wearing Payless Shoes. If I was to be “crumping,” I would want some higher quality shoes on my feet.

Brooke is still being a crybaby. I am sick of her. She is probably going home tonight. We do not need a third rate Scarlett Johansen with faulty tear ducts on this show.

There are now twenty minutes left of the show. These are the twenty filler minutes. They hum and haw over which photos are better and who will be going home. I want to fall asleep, but I do not want to miss any of Lost, which is coming up next.

The models must now do a runway walk, stop, and spin very slowly and evenly like they are on a rotating platform. Everyone failed completely.

It is fun seeing parts of the show that you know are going to make it on to The Soup this weekend. I call that Tyra crumping will make it on to The Soup. Prove me wrong, E!

Boring boring boring. Please just get over! Tivo! I miss Tivo!

There, I have put in my time. Leslie is out. She did not even make enough impact for me to comment about her this whole time.

We have another week of bitchy Jade and crybaby Brooke! Let us celebrate and eat the fruits of reality TV!

Without first realizing it, last night I was banished to an evening full of UPN shows. America’s Next Top Model and Veronica Mars hit me in the back of the head with a folded up chair while the referee was distracted. That was a dirty trick, UPN.

America’s Next Top Model was first on the plate of TV show dinners, not to be confused with TV dinners. There was no individual pocket of oddly textured brownies here. In its place were models who were trying their best to be their best. Some were succeeding and some were failing horribly.

Gina, namely, was failing horribly. She was acting like the friend who no one invited to a party but shows up anyway and is making vain half-hearted attempts to be fun and confident. The show edits were dealing her a poker hand full of Tarot death cards. She really had no chance when the end of the show came. She was out on her ass.

It was only a tought decision for the judges due to her very high cheek bones. I wish someone would give me the benefit of the doubt due to my bone structure. “He is certainly unqualified, but did you get a load of the femur on him?”

Veronica Mars was a very pleasant surprise, as two cast members from Arrested Development had healthy parts in the episode. Michael Cera played a college tour guide while Alia Shawkat played your average college girl who got raped. Ohhhh. So these guest parts are not going to be all fun and games. Okay then.

This episode focused more on the actual investigation of Veronica Mars and not her dad. I mean, Second Fiddle. That is his name now, since I have not caught his real name in two whole episodes. That does not mean they have not said it. I am just busy trying to keep the blonde girls from getting mixed up in my mind again.

Veronica does not solve the mystery, but she does do some solid sleuthing to get her ex-boyfriend Troy off of the hook. There was some other plot, but it was not really important.

Then, in the last two minutes of the show, they remembered that they had an ongoing storyline that needed some plot progression. A whole bunch of stuff was blurted out, I got confused, and then the show ended. What was all of that then? Explosives again and that Cook guy. I hope next episode has a cook preparing an explosive sort of lamb entree smothered in a mint jelly sauce.

Tonight I watch a show that I have seen before. America’s Next Top Model follows girls around as they try to become the bestest model ever!

Let me warn you right now, I am not about to memorize the names of the people on this show. Sure, their names come up on the bottom of the screen. But there is more than one model. So there you have it. Let us move on.

Right now some creepy crazy lady is teaching the contestants how to pose. Or dance on one foot while laughing. Which they can not do, from what I can see. Heck, I could be a model. The bestest model. Of America.

“We don’t rat out our bitches,” yelled crazy lady. Good advice to live by. I think Socrates had a similar saying.

This is a show all about being bitchy and prissy and better than everyone else. I like it because these are real people and not characters. Real shallow people, yes, but people none the less. There will be lots of hurt feelings. Or pretend hurt feelings. How can you really tell when they are all so fake to start with?

I may be mistaken, but these girls are not pretty. That is probably why I am not a model…choosing…dude. There is probably a word for that.

There is a challenge every show, to see who can take the best photos. The challenge this episode was to take appropriate pictures in four different season settings. Up here in Minnesota they say we have two seasons. Winter and road construction. We are stupid.

Rats, I learned two names. Gina is the Asian girl who rubs everyone the wrong way. Jade is a crazy girl with short curly hair who looks like she wants to bite the head off of everything in the world. If rocks had heads, she would bite them off. Gina and Jade are in a feud. I want Gina to kill Jade. A little Top Model Bloodsport would be refreshing, me thinks.

“Welcome to my show. This is my dressing room,” Tyra Banks told the models. I know models might need some hand holding, but they probably know what a dressing room is.

Tyra is asking the models what they want to do when they are done being models. I kind of zoned out. Sorry.

Awww, nuts. I should have paid attention. The models now have to pose for photos of what they want to do after they are done being models. I hope someone said, “Eat a sandwich.”

No one is eating a sandwich. There are scary pictures of stripper teachers straddling men dressed as young boys. I do not like playing this game anymore. This had better not be a vision of the future to come. It is not like Star Trek at all. However, the models do act a lot like robots. Awwww, dang! He went there! Where? To the next paragraph.

Now some terrible model has to go home. The show has been leaning pretty heavily towards Gina leaving. We will see if they are throwing us a red herring.

Wait, there is still more posing to be done. Huh. Oh man. Gina is so going home. It looks like she has never worn clothes before. She is very confused by what is covering her. Maybe she is breathing air for the first time. That could throw anybody off.

Now Tyra shows her wit by saying what she thinks about the models poses. Whoops, there should be quotes around wit. Too late now.

Lordy, this elimination process is so slow. The American Idol results show is useless, but this is a close runner up.

Gina is gone. I am bored. It is not a show I would watch again on purpose, but it is a nice distraction if you are doing something else. Like biting the heads off of things.