The J.J. Abrams’ two hour powerhouse is back again this week, starting off with Alias.

If you forgot, Syd is pretending to be fake Syd after she killed fake Syd that was pretending to be Syd. So Syd is infiltrating Prophet 5. Or, as I like to put it, the bad guys. No confusion there. It is very black and white.

Syd is fooling everyone pretty well. In fact, they are even sending her to Rome on a mission. She even fooled Sloane. Of course, Sloane has some clouded judgment. He did kill his daughter without much remorse.

The Alias gang, as I will refer to the CIA, found a bunker in Germany last episode. It is full of proof of the existence and doings of the bad guys. They don’t seem to be doing much with it. Now they are packing up and going to Rome. So the bunker is important why?

Oooh, Sloane got a story from fake Syd who is real Syd about how she murdered real Syd who was fake Syd. Since fake Syd was to be terminated at the end of the assignment anyway, Sloane wants to be the one to pull the trigger. Maybe it isn’t all black and white. Sloane still is a little white. It makes a very dark gray, but it isn’t pure black.

Now the show is about birdwatchers. Someone names Tom is looking for a cardinal. Oh, maybe he’s talking about baseball. Heck, it’s easy enough to head down to St. Louis to catch a game. Why all the mystery, Tom?

Hooray for explosions! Syd and another fellow blew up a betting parlor to get arrested. You see, the thing they are trying to get, you know. The, ummm, we’ll call it treasure. There, that makes everything easier. The treasure told about in the prophecies of page 47 is hidden in a prison. The show just turned into bizzaro Prison Break.

Awww, adorable. The creepy old prisoner was upset because “the beautiful man is dying.” Of course, the “beautiful man” is the bad guy that broke into prison with fake real Syd.

Bad guy did some computer jazz, and now Syd is free to look for treasure. She had better watch out for ghosts and pirates. Oh no! A ghost! Or an old man. Whoever they are, they have been waiting for Syd for a long time. That could be anywhere from 12 hours to 99 years. Old ghost pirate man needs to be more specific.

The old man is the treasure? Has this entire series been up-with-senior-citizens propaganda?

The old man had an amulet. He believes this is all part of fate, and this action or amulet or something will bring about the end of the world, and there is no stopping it. Now Sloane is choking Syd. Fun!

Of course Syd got away. Sloane has the amulet though. What does it all mean? In J.J. Abrams fashion, you always get more questions than answers. Speaking of, it is time for Lost, where we will get a new serious of questions.

Alias fans voted in droves again, thus I am seated here watching a two hour J.J. Abrams drama fiesta.

Some bad stuff went down last episode. Mr. Slone saved his daughter then he killed her. Syd who wasn’t Syd killed one of Syd’s friends. I can only hope there is as much fun stuff going on this episode.

Someone named Renee had a computer chip in her tummy. She shouldn’t have been eating that! Fake Syd slicing her throat must not have killed her at all!

Slone is now entirely bad. No more pretending to be nice. He’ll do anything he needs to do to unlock the mysteries of page 47. I’d turn bad for a bagel cheddarwurst. Have you ever had those? They are great!

I finally remembered what Marshall’s giant head reminded me of. Does anyone remember the McDonald’s Mac Tonight mascot from years and years ago? Big head, really concave? He and Marshall must have been separated at birth.

Slone is giving fake Syd the scoop on Syd. The “intel” if you will. Fake Syd was surprised that not fake Syd had a baby. I think that would be something they already briefed her on. It isn’t like the bad guys didn’t know about Syd’s baby. They saved it, for goodness sake.

Mac Tonight figured out that their phones had been bugged. Just in time to save Syd’s life, of course. She did have to do some fancy killing while driving with one hand over a dead driver. J.J. Abrams brings movie action to the small screen. Just like when I saw the first episode of Lost, the production value is better than TV deserves.

Fake Syd blew up real Syd, but she didn’t. Don’t worry. I have a gut feeling.

I was right! I am so damn smart! But now fake Syd is with real Syd’s baby daddy. Is it cheating if it’s a doppelganger?

Slone is going crazy too. Or his daughter is now a ghost. She probably isn’t a ghost. He isn’t Jennifer Love Hewitt, after all.

Oh Syd’s baby daddy, you just told the spy that the other half of the mystery chip might be in your body. His chest will soon be opened wider than Britney Spears’ legs. What, did she wait two days before getting pregnant again? Probably because they wouldn’t let K-Fed alone with her in the hospital.

The two chips came together to form Voltron: Defender of the Universe. Or, rather, the map of a fallout bunker in Germany. A giant robot would have been preferable, but this show can’t have everything. It has to leave some awesome for the other TV shows.

Some things happen, they got into the secret bunker, but what does it all mean? At least we have some time left. The action seems to always go down at the end of this show.

Syd’s baby daddy knew the fake Syd was fake. Now if he were only a better fighter. He didn’t have to be, because real Syd saved the day. Now I can stop saying fake, unless fake Syd is just fake dead. Not when she was shot through the head, I guess.

Oh no! Slone slipped a note to someone who I don’t know who it is! Stranger danger!

But real Syd is pretending to be fake Syd now. Oddly enough, I’m not confused.

By overwhelming majority, tonight we watch Alias. Take note, Veronica Mars and Doctor Who fans. This is how you rally together and support a show. What I am saying is, pick up the pace!

We start off with Mr. Sloane, a fellow I remember seeing last week. Do I remember anything about him from last week? No. Some shadow group has his daughter, and he must do one more task to get her back. I think they need him to do one more task, and then kill him.

Meanwhile, the girl who almost got killed by a fire extinguisher is hiring someone in an off the records jail to get rid of DAR. I mean, Sydney. This big lipped and grumpy prisoner seems pretty damn tough. Her lips are bigger than those of Angelina Jolie’s. They are like two very dense clouds that are getting ready to implode in on themselves. She zapped some fellow in the chest for some reason. I was on the verge of recognizing him. Thanks a lot, Big Lips.

Mr. Sloane reminds me a lot of Bob Balaban. I will call him Bob.

The shocked guy was named Will. Is named Will. I guess I must have seen him last episode. After all, I did see a lot last episode. There were two hours of it.

To follow up her five minute birthing, Sydney is now off of maternity leave in a mere five weeks. These things come in fives. Will she retire in five episodes?

I am fully expecting Sydney to be a little more badass this episode. After all, she is no longer spying for two.

Seriously, though! Marshall has a giant head! Don’t even try to deny it.

Syd is sneaking into a Moscow party. I am not sure why she and her spy buddies are there. I probably just missed it while I was trying to eat food.

Ahh, they are looking for Will. Then they found him. Too easily. It was a trap, of course. Super spies should know better than that. I think Big Lips infected Syd with something. My brain is trying to wrap itself around the many people watching many different things behind many different TVs.

Ah HA! Will was on Kitchen Confidential. That was not a terrible show. It was better than The Loop.

Everyone is now back and “safe” from Moscow. There is some business with isotope transfers. The bad guys also put a bomb in Will’s head. A bomb in his head? That is pretty awesome. I think I am coming around on this show! And you thought cell phones were going to destroy your brain.

Big Lips is getting Syd on a train with page 47 of some book. This page predicted the coming of Syd, and the great deeds she will do. I wish I had a book like that. I want to see what I am going to do in the future. Besides die, of course. I already know that part.

In exchange for the magical page 47, they are supposed to get the codes to turn off Will’s brain bomb. That sounds like a fantastic drink. It would probably have rum and pineapple juice in it.

While Syd fights with Big Lips, Will’s head starts beeping. That is a tough situation. Big Lips got away with page 47, Will did not explode, and Syd is trapped in a room while doing a scene from Carrie.

The red shower that is covering Syd is collecting her DNA. I have a feeling that they are going to do something bad with it. Bad guys usually do not do nice and decent things with people’s stolen DNA.

From what I gather, they are genetically altering Big Lips with Syd’s DNA. So now, two Syd’s. Dun dun dun!

That show is okay with me.

Finally, a new Alias! Wait, I have never seen Alias before. There is no reason for me to be excited.

The lead character is pregnant, and is a super spy machine. I hope she is also pregnant with a super spy machine. I will call her DAR, or Dumb As Rocks. Have you ever seen her on a talk show before? Dumb as rocks.

All the men in this show have gigantic heads. I bet they are all aliens! It is a secret!

There is a conspiracy in the CIA! The real CIA, I think. Not the fake CIA I heard about. Even if you do not watch a show, you can catch on to bits and pieces of it from people you know. DAR was working for the fake CIA at one point. I can only assume she is working for the real CIA now.

There is a traitor in the real CIA though. Maybe they just miss the fake CIA.

Sorry, Veronica Mars fans. This episode is two hours long, so I will not be able to catch Veronica Mars tonight! Tell you what, I will not let anyone sponsor the Veronica Mars time period next week. So if Veronica Mars wins, I will watch it for sure.

DAR is stuck on a boat with bad people. One of them is the meek girl from Freaks and Geeks. The main girl’s geeky, wussy friend.

The CIA now needs to break into the CIA. That does not make any sense. Maybe the people DAR works for are not CIA. I will call them the Big Heads, so we do not get confused.

A whole bunch of people from the Big Heads are breaking into the CIA. It is happening very efficiently, with lots of gadgets. I think I know why the have big heads! That is for their giant robot brains! As time goes on, silicon chips get smaller and smaller. Soon, they will have normal sized heads. Until then? Giant robot heads!

That was some good acting typing! Mashing your fingers on the keyboard in no order shows that you are accessing something. Look at me try to access a secret file:

sdfexczDSafwae

Damn, it did not work. I guess it only works that way on TV. Do not try it at home, or at the real CIA, or the fake CIA.

Aww dang, DAR is totally not feeling good. She just got her gun taken from her, and all she could do was stare at the air where gun once was. Then she fell over. That probably is not good for the baby inside her tummy.

DAR woke up on a hospital bed, still on the big boat. A Russian told her not to worry. A large man with a thick Russian accent probably does not have a calming effect. Vodka, on the other hand, is a whole different story.

Alpha Black is the highest clearance in the CIA. If you ever need to get back stage at a concert, tell them you have Alpha Black clearance. If that does not work, tell them you have some illegal narcotics. That should get you in.

Man, these are some giant heads!

Hey, that is a new interrogation method. Shoot the suspect in the chest at almost point blank range, then ask him questions! You are bound to get something out of them, even if it just lots and lots of blood.

The Big Head CIA has figured out which boat DAR is on. Helicopters away!

Oh no! Needle in the pregnant belly! That has to be one damn long needle. They got a sample of amniotic fluid. That is different from amber. Amber is a dinosaur egg that never hatched. Or maybe it is fossilized tree sap. Choose the definition that is more fun to you.

DAR recognized the evil doctor on the boat she is trapped on. I did not. You see, I have never seen this show before. I acted like I was surprised about who it was, but I was not surprised.

Big Head buddies are on the boat now. That was quick. That must have been one hell of a helicopter.

They saved DAR! Hooray! I think the bad people stole her baby! Oh no! I have lots of Easter candy left! Hooray!

They did not steal her baby. Rats. That would have been a little more interesting. The bad guys did save her baby’s life, which is kind of interesting.

Ambulances do not stand a chance against semi-trucks. Haha, that CIA traitor who got interrogated and shot twice, just got shot three times more. Of course, they shot him once before asking him questions. Then the other two shots kind of sort of killed him. That was fun.

Needless to say, I am more than a little confused. Will the last hour of this show resolve my questions? No. Let us continue watching!

I do not think you understand just how big these people’s heads are! Like hot air balloons are their heads!

Oh my goodness! It is DAR’s mother! Look at me being shocked for an unknown reason! DAR’s mom seems to know a lot of information for some reason. She also has an Irish accent that keeps slipping in and out. I think that means she is evil. Just like Kevin Costner in Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves.

These Big Head folks globetrot more than the Harlem Globetrotters. Actually, those guys stay in the United States, I think. So it is not hard to out trot the trotters.

Now DAR and mommy and poppy are all breaking into a bank in Vancouver. It is a family affair. Haha! Mommy is bad! I knew that was coming. Now the other bad guys are coming to help her.

Ah ha, DAR’s mom was on the ship. I knew I was right to act surprised. Here comes the baby. For a two hour episode, it is nice that they are leading up to lots of big things happening.

These commercial breaks are nice and long, for bathroom breaks. They are also terribly long, and I find myself losing interest in the show during these breaks.

I figured out what is wrong with this show! I do not find the bad guys threatening! They almost seem goofy. That is no way for bad guys to be in an action show. They just blew up a helicopter (there are more helicopters in this show than cars) and I still do not fear for DAR’s life. Now it is time for a commercial break. Losing more interest!

Haha, the KGB made mommy have DAR. She never wanted to have her. That is no way to solve the overpopulation of the world. Damn KGB.

Similar to Lost, this show promises more than it delivers. It is that damn J.J. Abrams I tell you! He tricks you into thinking things are really happening, when really they are not.

DAR had her baby. After two hours of this, I do not give a damn. Oh yeah, and the folks ABC are bastards for making all of their big dramas go a minute past the hour. Thanks for making us miss the beginnings of our other shows, ABC! We really appreciate it.

I am grumpy. At least my head is of average size.