Mick Jagger flew come floozy across the pond for a “booty call.” He accidentally made a baby too. Whoopsies. That booty call just become more expensive.

Bono had his favorite hat flown from London to Italy. It was flown to a fundraiser for some folks in Iraq. Why didn’t he just make a pirate hat out of a piece of paper? It’s very simple.

Wyclef pimped his Hummer with a shark tank. That would be a problem for me. I would get a ton of speeding tickets because I would think the sharks were chasing me.

This show goes too quickly. I have very little time to write witty comments before I have to learn how to spell some new celebrity’s name.

Mariah Carey had her dog sent cross country by limo to her video shoot. That’s 3000 miles of waste.

Bah, I’m done listing these things. Let me tell you about how we hate ourselves.

It isn’t enough to see how much more money celebrities have than us. There is a show to tell us how they don’t deserve their money. All we can do is sit here and watch it! Why aren’t we rioting in the streets and tipping over cars? Rioting after a sports victory is stupid! Not rioting after watching 20 Most Outrageous Celebrity Extravagances Ever is stupider.

I have a feeling that people are far more resistant to torture these days. You can’t get training this good in the army. We have been tricked into forcing ourselves to watch these terrible shows on TV about terrible people. Do we want to be them or do want to beat them? It’s hard to tell some times.

I’m beyond being upset with this show and its celebrities. If it upsets me, it wins. I’m going to show no emotion at all.

Just when I think I’m about to lose my cool, my wife walks in with an ice cream sandwich. I think I can make it through the show now!

There are now about 10 different cell phone commercials on during each commercial break.

I’ve gone numb. That is probably what you want to do in these cases of extreme punishment. I don’t feel anything anymore.