Do you know what really doesn’t need to be an hour long? Any results show. More specifically, the result show for So You Think You Can Dance.

Giraffe print dress, Cat? You should know when to say “no” to your wardrobe assistants. Or they should know when to say “no” to you.

Ah ha, that’s why it’s one hour. The bottom three couples must all dance solo for the judges tonight.

Oh yeah, montages and recaps too. That’s why the show is an hour long. Lots of montages and recaps.

Did I mention the pausing? There is lots of pausing. “America voted………..you are……………………………………………..safe!”

The dancers still aren’t dancing off! They are still going through who is safe and who isn’t. Maybe I was right about the results show not needing to be more than half an hour. It doesn’t really matter, I guess. I’m stuck either way.

25 minutes into the show, and the bottom 3 couples have finally been narrowed down. My fingernails have been bitten down to the bone! I’m going to sue FOX for a manicure. And mental anguish.

Didn’t Hostess Cup Cakes use to come in packages of two, like PopTarts?

Wait, the bottom three dancers only get about 20 seconds of solo dancing? This show doesn’t need to be longer than 3 minutes long!

All the bottom dancers went solo now. It was pretty boring, like watered down Crystal Lite.

Nelly Furtado and Timberland are performing an uninspired song now. What a boring hour of television!

Now we’re taking another look at their solos. Their solos were only 20 seconds long! Are you going to show us a snippet of them, meaning the whole thing?

Montages of the losers. Of course! Come on already, TV show. I want to get to my Entourage DVDs!

Two guys left. Come on, rip it off like a band-aid. Come on now. Quick! Quickly! Do it! Doitdoitdoit! There. Was that so hard? Phhht, it’s past 9pm, FOX. I am not watching this dude’s montage. Get out of my face!

It would be nice if So You Think You Can Dance wasn’t two hours, but it is. I should have eaten more, to keep up my energy.

I forgot something. These talent shows get a lot less interesting after the audition process is over. That doesn’t rule out the possibility of seeing someone run their face into the floor. The odds just change drastically.

The judges are remembering the funniest moments from the auditions. How can this already be part clip show? Oh man, this show is going to waste so much of our time.

Last year’s winner is doing a little dance for us, to the sounds of Incubus. Admittedly, he isn’t bad.

There aren’t enough fights to the death in our modern day competitions.

My computer just restarted unexpectedly for some reason. That’s a good sign.

That doesn’t mean I missed all the booty shaking that was going on. Or as the older British fellow put it, “There was a whole lot of booty popping up there.” Booty popping? That doesn’t sound sexy in the least.

We have a crunker and some other dancer doing night club salsa. It was smooth and awkward all at the same time. At least the crunker didn’t drop his partner. A+ for not dropping people. I would fail the not-dropping-people class 8 times out of 10. But those 2 other times would be so sweet.

They are mismatching all the partners together. That’s a little bit of a challenge. All that means to me is that The Odd Couple song gets stuck in my head.

I am in a weird place with this show. On American Idol, I can tell when someone blows it. They’re off tempo, off key, whatever. With dancing, I have no clue. They could have meant to do whatever it is that looked like an accident to me. I’m a fish out of water. How can I judge everyone harshly if I’m ignorant?

Holy cow, there are still 7 couples left to dance? Maybe they couldn’t have fit this all into one hour.

All the girls, when they find out who their partners are, run and jump on to them, putting their legs around the guy’s waist. All of them. And all of the guys are prepared for that. It must happen to them a lot on the street. That could get dangerous.

Now we have a contemporary dancer and a ballet dancer joining forces to dance disco. It is turning out surprisingly well, from what I can tell. The judges agree with what I think I thought. That makes me feel good, I think.

Ballroom and jazz dancers battle an imaginary bull in their routine. They slay that bull and had themselves some Rocky Mountain Oysters.

The next match up? Ballroom and contemporary have a meeting of the minds with some hip hop obstacles. The big Russian who does ballroom can’t quite tackle the hip hop. How will he do on the dance floor? Let’s watch! Eh, it was alright. Sure, I couldn’t do it. But the Russian didn’t sell it. His upper body didn’t sell it. Hooray, I was right again! Thanks for the validation, judges.

Now Ben and Jerry mix together the tastes of ballet and swing, to make a new flavor called Cherry Poppin’ Baryshnikov. They dip themselves into some Viennese Waltz. It all comes to a head, reminding me how much I hate Enya. Man, I hate Enya. I can’t even concentrate on their dance. I’d kick them out of the competition right now.

Popping and contemporary join forces at last to battle 80s disco. Huh, I didn’t even know there was such a thing. I distrust anything I am not previously aware of. I was right to distrust it. Let me put that down on the list of things I was right about today. Good, that makes the list an even 100.

Number 21? Number 21, please set up to the window. What can I get you? Two scoops of contemporary? You got that. Let’s give them something “much more edgier” to do. “Much more edgier.” They do get points for being dressed like hobos. They do not get points for having a woman body builder dancing. Her arms are bigger than my head! Ewww.

Finally, breaker and jazz dancer take on the mambo. Not finally, like I’ve been waiting for this. It is just the last dance routine of the night, and I’m ready to stop watching dancing. They looked good. This is where the judges prove me wrong. Prove me wrong, judges. I don’t want to update my list of correct things I’ve stated. Hooray! I was kind of wrong, but not completely wrong. We’ll call that a wash.

That’s it, ladies and germs. Thank you and goodnight!

Tonight’s Honey We’re Killing the Kids! is sponsored by MonsterCommerce.com

I will be gnawing on a Nestle Crunch Easter Bunny during the show that teaches us that candy is killing you. How long ago was Easter? No matter.

The Ricker boys are in deep trouble. One of them has early signs of diabetes. They are quite the tubs of lard too. The show is talking bad about video games. Stop that, television show. Don’t be jealous of my other form of entertainment.

Dr. Hark shows the children’s parents what their kids will look like when they are 40. Uglier and fatter and hairier. Both of the boys have a period around their 20s where they experiment with ratty facial hair. That seems a bit presumptuous. That discredit’s the whole show right there, like Michael Moore’s movie tactics. Boo on you, Honey We’re Killing the Kids!

For the next two weeks, the family must follow Dr. Hark’s crazy rules that are probably based on more nonsense facts. Dr. Hark informs the family that a piece of pizza contains 600 calories. The boys pretend to be shocked. Heck, I don’t even know what that means.

The family destroys all their junk food and goes out to buy new healthy food. Clams and squid are on the list of healthy things. Yeah, that’s a way of getting people to eat healthy. Introduce them to a bunch of strange foods they have no experience with. They are setting the family up for a disaster. This show is absurd.

On another note, my Easter Bunny’s ears are gone. Yum.

The boys must now do chores before they can play video games. That’s a fair rule. Kids need discipline. Mind you, I’m not defending the show. It is just common sens. These kids shouldn’t be eating only junk food and playing video games. The parents are to blame, of course. This show isn’t the right way to fix things.

The doctor comes back the second week to give some new rules, even though the family failed at all of the previous week’s rules.

One of the kids has been sleeping in his mother’s bed for six years. Where does the dad sleep? I don’t know, but it’s not there. This is so messed up. I want to shut my eyes and never wake up.

The family seemed enthusiastic about boxing lessons. That’s the way that dinner should have gone. Boxing went good for everyone except Stevie. He couldn’t quite master the jump rope. Or begin the jump rope. That should be a living test. If you’re too stupid to jump rope, you’re too stupid to live. Those thoughts will keep me from the US Presidency.

The parents are being forced to go on a date that starts with belly dancing lessons. This show is so stupid! They are fat! That is like forcing someone with no arms to juggle. It does look pretty funny though. Especially when the skinny belly dancer is touching their bellies, trying to get them to jiggle right.

The advanced technology Dr. Hark uses to calculate the looks of the children in the future? Photoshop. Ah ha, the kids wear nicer clothes in the future after they have changed their eating habits. I want to murder this show. That isn’t healthy, but I don’t care. This show shouldn’t be on the The Learning Channel. The show shouldn’t be on anywhere.

After weeks of near success, the voters finally voted Antiques Roadshow to the top of the Monday pile. Anything that isn’t 7th Heaven is fine by me.

As long as I am watching PBS, let me tell you about something else I did that was good for me. This weekend I finished a book. I know! I was surprised too. It took me more than four months, but I finally got through The Know-It-All : One Man’s Humble Quest to Become the Smartest Person in the World. Now that I have finished a book, I can do the thing everyone else who finished a book must do. Recommend it. It’s like a reflex, I think.

Antiques Roadshow starts off with an educational punch to the abdomen. With the wind knocked out of me, they drill through the history of Kansas City, where the roadshow is visiting today. Kansas City, Kansas or Kansas City, Missouri? Maybe that is part of the mystique!

I am ready to see some very excited people disappointed. There are also a lot of old people on this show who can’t get excited anymore, even if they are delighted. You wouldn’t want to them to have an accident, would you?

“Paul” is really pretending to understand everything the antiques know-it-all is explaining. I wouldn’t have to say “know-it-all” if I could remember what to call him. Appraiser! That’s it. That was a fun way to waste a little time.

Bowtie! The revolution continues! Boys and girls, start wearing bowties!

There was this one desk! It was worth money! Then there was this vase? It was worth money too! Then there was this rug. That was worth money too. I just saved you 15 minutes.

A pirate is getting a lamp appraised! Don’t trust him! Pirates only look out for themselves. And their antiques. And their rum. When they drink rum, it becomes part them. So I guess they are still looking out for themselves. Do they eat their antiques?

William S. Burroughs was friends with this fellow’s father. They both liked guns. Did you know Burroughs liked guns? His wife did. Then she didn’t, as he released her brains from her head with a bullet. I painted you a nice picture there. Enjoy that.

Antiques Roadshow is pleasant. Not great, not terrible, but pleasant. Like sitting in a hammock that isn’t going to break and kill you. I am learning a nice deal of useless trivia and facts that will never come up in casual or trivial conversation. The show also keeps it simple. It isn’t trying to dress itself up like the girl from the gutter at a grand ball. It is what it is, and it’s not pretending to be more than it is.

A needlepoint work from the 1800s was brought in. It was a project for young girls to do to prove they had patience. Basically, their words and not mine, it was a test to prove that a woman would make a good wife. That is fantastic. If you’re looking to divorce your wife, give her the needlepoint test. You can cite that to your divorce lawyer. I’m most certain it will hold up in a court of law.

Did you miss tonight’s episode? Don’t worry, there are two more weeks left to this Kansas City trip. Kansas City. Yippie.

If I were the producer of What Not to Wear, I would make it one episode long. The episode would just be blinking text that says, “Don’t wear leather pants!” That is probably why I am not a producer. That, and the lack of money.

The show centers around two snooty and snoopy people who want to help you dress better. Maybe not so much help as force. Some helping is forcing. Like jail. I would call the show Clothes Jail. Actually, I think I’m going to sell that to FX. “Next week on Clothes Jail, the cashmere scarf drops the soap.”

This family looks like they are dressing for a theater summer stock festival. Second hand dresses and overalls. That will get you through a run of Our Town just fine.

So the family is flown to New York, their clothes are thrown away, and they get dressed down verbally. But it’s all in good fun. I love being told what to do by people who think they are better than me. It’s one of my favorite things. I also like swimming in a pool of salt with open wounds all over my body and my eyes stapled open.

The family has $20,000 to buy a new wardrobe. For lions and witches, they have to pay out of their own pocket. The lion represents Jesus!

Okay, the hosts aren’t complete pricks. The mother has absolutely no fashion sense. Lime green should not be a color. Except for my lemon and lime Fluevogs.

Emotions! What are you doing in my TV stew? Yes yes, you are upset about not dressing like your mom any longer. I was upset when I couldn’t dress like my mother any more.

The same “Life Take Visa” commercial played two times in a row. It also played in every single commercial break before this one.

Hair. Makeup. You know how it goes. If you don’t, you aren’t missing anything.

There is that Visa commercial again. I should buy a small business, I guess.

Everyone looks better. I guess the show is helping. I don’t care to watch it, but it doesn’t seem to be doing the same harm as other terrible television shows.

Queer Eye for the Straight Guy goes to Vegas today. What am I watching? Queer Eye for the Straight Guy? I thought this show was played out three years ago. No matter.

The QE men are up to their elbows with a night club magician. Let’s see if they can perform their magic on Max. I beat them to the punch on that. How long until they talk about performing their magic?

Max’s wife makes G-strings when she’s not being his assistant or painting. I guess I figured that G-strings were born, not made.

The queer ones are dressing up Max for his magic show. They also introduced himself to Lance Burton. Not to be confused with Lance Bass.

Really, nothing in this show matters except when hairy guys get their hairy hairs cut. It’s hard to connect with something when it’s not tangible.

Max is learning how to make artichokamole! That’s guacamole with artichokes. That sounds delicious. I’ll take a heaping helping of that.

Why is Kathy Griffin everywhere? She is the Sinbad of the 2000s.

Max’s goal is to give his wife a grand gallery opening. His plan involves introducing her by pulling her out of something. He can possibly pull her out of the habit of painting ugly naked women pictures.

The haircut makes Max look like Russell Crowe. Would Russell Crowe beat himself up if he met himself?

I was right to assume this show had ended its run three years ago. Even with a change in location, it hasn’t gotten any more interesting.

Now we are at the art gallery. Great, more shots of terrible creepy artwork.

I remember enjoying this show at one point in time. What happened? Nothing happened. There’s the problem.

Tonight Dog the Bounty Hunter is sponsored by Nicole Coraccio, with the explicit instructions of choosing “any half hour show of your choice at 8:00 on June 6th. this is only because veronica mars to win. haha” It looks like the battle between Alias and Veronica Mars fans continues! Well played, Alias fan. Well played.

The Dog goes after his former housekeeper tonight, who jumped her 50k bail bond. That’s one big bail bond.

Dog’s hair is getting crazier and crazier. There are beads in it now. It seems that those would clack together and make noise. Not the best way to sneak up on someone. Sneaking probably doesn’t matter when you are the Dog.

Sorry Dog, Gilmore Girls destroyed all of my enthusiasm. I’ll try and step up the commentary.

One of the bounty hunters is having a baby today. His wife, actually. This show would be really different if it were the other way around.

And they got her. With ten minutes left. That was the most boring bounty in the world! The rest of the show will be one big morality lesson. We will also find out that the one guy’s baby was born.

Dog the Bounty Hunter seems like it should be a much better show than it actually is. It isn’t exciting and it tries to teach us a pointless lesson at the end. That’s not good television.

For being on a channel called Arts & Entertainment, this show is neither art nor entertainment.

Now the big tough bounty hunters have stopped to connect with their prisoner and teach her how to live a good life before they turn her in. I wonder how big I can yawn.

And there is a baby born. Amazing! How does that happen?

It’s time for more pointless fun with So You Think You Can Dance. Prepare to be amazed by good dancers and terrible dancers. Or, at least, prepare for me describing and making fun of them.

The prize for winning So You Think You Can Dance is a year contract to dance in Celine Dion’s Las Vegas show. I bet you think I’m going to make some remark about that not being a reward, but a punishment. I’m not going to do that though. Shows what you know.

There hasn’t been nearly enough shots of people falling down. You know we want it. Give it to us!

Some girl just made tap dancing look like the most boring thing in the world. She looked like she was really pretending to enjoy herself. Like she accidentally got knocked up, and is trying to pretend that having a baby is a lot of fun.

B-boys will get the horrible taste of tap girl out of my mouth. That didn’t come out right. Anyway, b-boys. B-boys! One of them did a flip where his legs were wiggling around like Luigi in Mario Bros 2. Why oh why hasn’t someone come up with a breakdancing competition show yet? Maybe they have and I am simply ignorant. That is entirely possible.

Have you ever seen really bad interpretive dance? You can’t plan it, you need to come upon it accidentally. If you do, treasure that moment. It will be the most hilarious time you’ve had in your entire life.

The judges were really mean to a Japanese girl who just wanted to bring smiles to everybody. She was terrible, yeah. But how can you hate someone who’s favorite move is pointing?

What’s worse than armpit sweat? Belly button sweat. Ewwww! That thing isn’t even supposed to sweat, is it?

Los Angeles auditions are done. Tomorrow, it’s on to Chicago. The windy city. Did you know it isn’t called the windy city because of the weather? More on that tomorrow! Maybe.