Hey, look over here! It’s another episode of Big Brother 7: All-Stars! I remember when this show was on 4 days a week. Man, that pissed me off.

Alison and Danielle are on the chopping block this episode. I want whoever will cause more problems to stay. Conflict is interesting. It seems like people who call themselves “bitch” would cause some conflict. Go Alison!

They should really make the walls thicker in the Big Brother house. Then people wouldn’t have to whisper so much, and I wouldn’t have to read subtitles. If you aren’t a wonderful foreign film, I don’t want to see any subtitles.

Alison also has a nicer mane than Danielle. She is like a pony who eats sugar cubes full of hate and lies. That’s one tough pony.

I could never be friends with anyone named Jase. Say I get a call on my cell phone, and someone asks me where I was. I would have to say, “I’m at Jase’s.” Say that out loud to get the full effect. “Jase’s.” I would have to cut off a toe for penance every time I said that.

I am sick of the word “alliance.” Everyone needs to start using “coalition” instead. They also need to start calling a Club sandwich a “Coalition of Deliciousness.”

Alison was voted out. You voted out the evil pony, you fools! There are enough evil people left to satisfy my hunger, but the evil ratio in now less.

It makes sense though. An area of high density will always try to even out with an area of low density. There is a term for that, but my brain is all busted up. Diffusion? That sounds too simple. I think it was something bigger and more scientificy. Scientificy? I don’t deserve to know the word I’m looking for.

Danielle is looking very somber. She is trying to be overly steady, like she just got out of rehab.

The smart woman that she is, Julie Chen just named the wrong person the Head of Household. Give her some slack though, it is pretty hard. Matching the card that says “false” with the other card that says “false.” She was quickly corrected.

This actually leads me to a point, I wish that Big Brother was more random. I want the houseguests to be kept on their toes. I want a voice with no origin to tell them what to do. If they say the wrong person wins the challenge, the wrong person wins. I want them to turn on sirens and get everyone out of bed at two in the morning to make as many sandwiches as they can, run 20 laps around the yard, and then send them back to bed. That would be good watching.

Oh, and Kayser won Head of Household for real. So there you are.

On Big Brother 7: All-Stars tonight, we find out which self proclaimed “all-stars” were voted into the Big Brother house. Forget that we already know who got voted in, because of the wonderful internet. Let us pretend that it is a surprise.

Four girls were just announced. Janelle, Nakomis, Diane, and Erika. I don’t remember seeing any of these girls before. They have decided to share the big quadruple bed. You can actually hear the producers pumping their fists.

The next four guys are Howie, who is talking about the “all-star boobies” in the house, Kaysar, and two other guys.

My favorite part of this show? The names of the players are displayed at the bottom of the screen. This is how all shows on TV should be.

Evil Will, Danielle, Marcellas, Alison, “Chicken” George, and Mike “Boogie” are also in the house. Seriously, America? Mike? Didn’t you read that I called him a poser?

Alison and Erika hate each other. Will and Mike are already scheming. George is alienating himself by calling himself Snoop “Chicken” George and then rapping. Oh George.

The Big Brother players are going to compete for the head of household spot. The head of household gets to nominate players that are put of for eviction. They also get a private bedroom. But, in a huge twist (note my sarcasm, please), there will be two heads of household. Yawn.

The head of household competition consists of trying to knock people off of a slow moving merry-go-round with an asteroid. Why an asteroid? Why not an asteroid?

The two heads of household need to agree on which two houseguests they want to nominate for eviction, or else their own heads go up on the chopping block.

There is a guy named Jase? That sounds like a mistake.

People are scheming in whispers. It all seems boring and petty. I had forgotten how much talking there was in this show. We aren’t going to see any explosions, except for emotional explosions.

Ooooo, Alison and Danielle both got their backsides handed to them. They were trying to “play” everyone right out of the gate, but they are the ones who got played!

Whatever, I already stopped caring.

Why would you vote for the rerun of America’s Got Talent and not the new episode next hour? Not that it matters, as I haven’t seen this show yet. It just seems like you have a few things to work through. It’s okay, no one is judging you.

Do you know that tasty crust that sticks to the bottom of the pan after you sear your roast? This show is that crust. It’s that left over stuff that you make into gravy to pour over the meal, it is not the meal itself. This show is nothing but a tasty sauce.

Is it really worth the effort to make fun of David Hasselhoff anymore? It seems like it has all been done. Talking car. Baywatch. Germany. Yep, there is nothing left.

The first “talent” up is a professional finger snapper. He is a better man than me. I can’t even get my left hand to snap. It’s as useless as a flipper.

I think there should be a “?” after America’s Got Talent?

Out of new ideas? Use addition! Hiphop + acapella = Hiphopcapella. No no no, guys. Do you see that both of your words contain a “p?” It should be hiphopella. You need to take a class on combining words. I think they have those courses at Fast Food University.

There were two pirates and a dancing pony. Oddly enough, it was terrible.

Some people are scared of clowns, I’m scared of ventriloquist. Let’s leave it at that, while I padlock my eyes shut.

The judges seem really excited about a sub-par 14 year old singer. Good for them. It’s nice that they can find happiness in muck.

The bird trainer is getting testy with the judges. You are made to perform in a zoo, not on television. You entertain children while their parents rest on a bench. Know and accept your place in life, and you’ll be happy. Or, at least, I’ll be happy, because I will never see you.

Impersonators are a waste of air. You shouldn’t breath in if you’re going to spit out someone else’s voice. Or try to. If you have to start your impression with, “Hey, I’m Arnold Schwarzenegger,” that’s a tip that you aren’t an impersonator.

Tonight’s episode of Last Comic Standing is sponsored by my wife. Hooray, now I can eat lunch tomorrow!

I haven’t seen this show past the first three episodes, which I watched by choice. While you folks were making me watch Veronica Mars, my other half was watching Last Comic Standing. I’ve missed the comics getting picked for the house, and having their first competition.

As a reward for everyone still around, they get belly dancers and snakes. Snakes on a Belly Dancer! Bah, I was already sick of that sentence before I wrote it.

The comics don’t live in a house, they live on the Queen Mary. The Queen Mary is a cruise ship.

Their challenge today is to do a one minute comedy routine on Adam Corolla’s. The comedy routine must be based on the magazine they draw at random. These magazines ranged from “Latina Weddings” to “Weapons of Death.”

Wow, these comedians can’t improv. It’s interesting how the skills just don’t transfer over sometimes. What a terrible and unfunny challenge. For punishment, they have to go back to the cruise liner.

The comics meet in the boiler room of the Queen Mary to decide who has to perform in front of a live audience that night. Three people are chosen, and the two losers have to go home. The unfunny girl that won immunity will never ever vote for a girl, she said. That’s a nice elementary school attitude she has.

There was a four way tie, so four people will perform and two losers will go home. Some of the funnier people are performing. Funnier three episodes ago. Who knows where they are in their comedy stylings now.

Joey Gay is talking…scratch that…screaming about his last name and his older sisters Also, there was an unpleasant amount of talk about his sisters cycling at the same time, since they lived together. Not on bicycles, mind you. Not so funny.

Chris Porter is on next. He has a good sense of comic timing. It’s very natural and almost casual. That works better when telling others about your intimate life, in comparison to yelling about it.

Bill Dwyer takes the stage next. He seemed polished but not special. Jokes about kids and computers. Next.

Uh oh, some lady is next. I didn’t catch her name. I will call her “Unfunny Lady.” Unfunny Lady was not funny.

No one was very fantastic. Not even during the other parts of the show by accident. If you have the word “comic” in your title, you had better bring your A game. If you do not “bring it,” people like me can make fun of your name. Like, Last Comic Notwithstanding! Oh yeah, I went there.

Bill Dwyer left with the lowest number of votes. Chris Porter was the audience favorite. Hooray! The only guy I kind of sort of liked. Joey Gay goes home and Unfunny Lady stays. I am ambivalent about that.

Sigh. What a poor night of television. Thanks so much, network executives.

Since time slot winner Plastic Surgery Obsession has been moved to 1am, Supernanny has taken command of the 8pm hour as the first runner up. Thank goodness it beat out a second hour of 7th Heaven.

Remember when I said One Tree Hill had the worst theme song? I was wrong.

I am starting to think that any family with twins is damned to destruction and strife. Are you having twins? Always put one up for adoption. Then prick the one you keep with a pin every so often, just to mess with the other one. They can feel everything the other feels, right?

The Larmer family has 4 screaming kids who like to hit and bounce all over. No physical features to make fun of on the parents. Nothing glaring at least. Hold on, the husband has huge ears and Billy Bob teeth. Now I feel better. Oh, and the wife has a tattoo of a rose on the inside of her left breast. That was a good decision.

The mother doesn’t let the kids out in the backyard too much. You know, because they will get dirty. Maybe she should have though of that before she brought 4 children into the world. She must have been shocked that having the first kid was such a messy process, but she knew what was coming with the other 3.

Grandma doesn’t like to have the kids over because they get their sticky fingers into everything. The grandmother’s voice sounds like a man.

Now the parents are fighting with each other in front of the kids. And the nanny. Oooo, swears too. That is some fine parenting, expanding their children’s vocab like that.

The husband’s left ear sticks out about an inch more than his right ear. A strong wind would spin him around in circles.

The parents have put locks and gates everywhere, to contain the children. Which is actually just laziness. If there were gates for the purposes of a ball pit, that would be fantastic. It is not though.

The mother picks up the children and yells in their face to discipline them, like an ogre without the eating.

On an unrelated note, I do not trust people who walk with their hands clasped behind them. They are up to something nefarious.

Smart move, nanny. She let the children play with washable finger paints outside. It’s dirty, and it can be washed. Do you get that, rose boob? Dirt and paint come off, unlike terrible tattoos.

The mother is trying to sound less like an ogre. It is hilarious, because when she says something nice it sounds terribly sarcastic. Example, like, “that was a fantastic job, Justine.”

Healing has begun between grandmother and mother, locks are coming off the doors, tornados are occurring. Oh, that’s just a local tornado warning. If you live in Fergus Falls, Minnesota, you should be hiding in your basement right now. If you don’t live there, or the time is not right now, please ignore. So 100% of the people reading this can ignore that warning.

Forgiving someone consisted of a, “S’all right, babe.” It’s so heartfelt, it makes me want to cry more than a crashed car full of puppies. Why were those puppies driving a car?

It is time for the nanny to leave, and the parents to revert to their old selves. Then the nanny comes back and tells them that they aren’t doing anything right again. That will be a fun 15 minutes to watch. I wonder what will happen! Oh, just what I said will happen.

Mom locked the kids outside while she cleaned. She locked them outside with the kiddie pool. Did you know that a child can drown in just enough water to cover their mouth and nose? That’s not a tip on how to drown children, mind you.

Nanny came in to solve everything for a second time. It is too bad that the third time is the charm. Not that I want to see more of this show. I have had enough of it. I want to see Supernanny crush a bullet with her eyeball. Or vice-versa. Whatever.

Lobstermen: Jeopardy at Sea barely beat out the WB’s What I Like About You in votes tonight. Thank you for saving me, Lobstermen. I will make a sacrifice in your honor. What would you sacrifice to a Lobsterman? Lemon wedges?

North Atlantic Lobstermen go hundreds of miles out to sea during the harsh winter weather. I have a feeling that we aren’t going to see any Lobstermen playing Jeopardy. It’s a good thing I didn’t make that “Go Lobstermen! Win At Jeopardy” foam finger.

The Lobstermen sail out to Georgia’s Bank, an underwater mountain range where lobsters gather. Probably to form jug bands.

Captain Bro and Captain Moore leave on separate boats from the same port. They are rivals, as they’re both trying to get the big pay day. This isn’t like Twister, where there is no such thing as rival storm chasers.

Newcomer, Captain Christopher, is coming out from another port. He needs a bit of Lobstermen hazing. Like rubber banding his wang to his leg.

After going 200 miles in 24 hours, Captain Bro makes it to Georgia’s Bank at 5am. They start pulling up traps from their one mile of line. These Lobstermen could make $10,000 a piece in this one week. That’s a nice haul. Not as good as dealing heroin, but pretty nice.

Awww, Stevie. He is the “greenest” member of the crew. He messed up and could have been pulled overboard. You know, to death. Your parents didn’t tell you this, but Death waits in the sea for anyone to come in. Never go into the sea. Death is always ready for a pain picnic.

Newcomer Captain Christopher arrives more than a day later. His son had basketball tryouts, so he had to be there. That should interrupt a payday. It turns out that most of his traps are probably gone too. The other Lobstermen don’t respect Christopher too much. Heck, I don’t respect him. But that’s because I heard he plays games of chance and is know to talk with loose women.

Scooter, the cook, has been fired a couple of times. When he is on land, he tends to drink a lot. He’s just trying to get more liquid into himself. He wants to be closer to the sea.

Newcomer’s traps suck. He gets one lobster, zero lobsters, two lobsters. He must have taken a book out of the library on how to be a Lobsterman. Or he read an Encyclopedia Brown mystery about it.

Crews generally sleep about 4 hours a night. What do they have to wake up to? Bait bags full of sand fleas. They’ll eat bait, lobsters, anything. The sea is full of terrible things! Don’t let beautiful mermaids fool you either. They are all communists.

Newbie spent 4 hours dragging the bottom for his lost lines. He got nothing. It could have been caused by a squid troller sweeping by with a net. Or it could be sabotage! Listen, all y’all. It’s sabotage.

Captain Bro found the newbie’s line 50 miles away. 50 miles! That must be the work of a giant evil lobster! What does he have cooking for the human race?

In two days, Captain Bro has caught 10,000 pounds of lobster. Let us hope that someone is out catching some I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter Spray.

Newbie is looking for his fourth lost line. What a loser. There are losers in every line of business. Are there losers in the candy business? Yes. What did I just say?

Another summer, another Big Brother 7: All-Stars. Well, not another Big Brother 7. Just another Big Brother.

I haven’t watched this show since the second season. The first season had “Chicken” George, who I really enjoyed watching. The second season had Will, who was a complete jerk who won. It was great. The Flaming Lips were right. Evil will prevail.

This is the first episode of season seven. We get to see the all-stars and vote on who we want in the house for the season. So it’s a clip show, basically. Dang.

I forgot about Bunky, the hairy gay guy from season two. Sure, I’d like to see him in there too.

Mike Boogie? What a poser. Sorry, that was wrong. The bleached blond hair and pooka necklace speak to great intelligence.

The prize is a half-million dollars? Those are some deep pockets you have there, CBS.

I think I remembered parts of season three. Perhaps I tried it, and then got bored. That seems pretty likely. Maybe the personalities were so tired that I forgot that I even watched it. Maybe I got a summer job at the pool. Maybe I went on a secret killing spree that took up most of my time. Who knows? Certainly not the cops.

Hell, I watched the fourth season too? In season four, they had 10 contestants, and then 10 more contestants. Each contestant had an ex of theirs in the house with them. It sounds like a really twisted and neat idea. That’s why we all need our ears examined. Do you have hair growing out of yours? Are you sure?

Awesome, this is where I dropped off. Left with the terrible taste of season four in my mouth, I decided not to eat a heaping helping of season five.

The ratio of people on Big Brother who refer to themselves in the third person is huge. It’s like a disease. Does CBS not provide raincoats to the more promiscuous house guests?

I complained a lot when I had to watch Big Brother with my wife back in the day. Now look what I’m doing. Offering my TV schedule up to strangers. I’m an idiot.

Uh oh, on Supernanny tonight we’re dealing with an autistic child. This will be much trickier to make fun of. Maybe I’ll just make fun of the twin four year old daughters who are not autistic.

Autistic kid is like a velociraptor. He’s opening doors left and right. He’s trying to get out of the house any chance he gets.

The mother sent the four year old girl outside to watch the three year old autistic boy. The mother pays the kids no attention while dad is at work. Now the autistic boy is using heroin. Not really, but he certainly could if he wanted.

If you had twins when you were 23, why would you turn right around and pop another one out? I say if you haven’t had time to fix the gap in your front teeth, you haven’t had time to pump three kids into the world.

The creepy girl from Invasion is trying to sell me Excedrin. That’s a bad casting choice, Excedrin.

Supernanny is bringing in an expert on autism to help out. Does that mean that Supernanny failed? I’ll say yes. Yes, Supernanny failed.

The dad’s name is Trae. Funny, spell check doesn’t seem to recognize that name. Let me try again. Trae. Nope, nothing. Something is terribly wrong here.

With someone brought in to help with the autistic kid, Supernanny is free to help with non-super things. Like telling the parents to pay attention to their children. She gets paid for this. That’s grand. At least she’s not on welfare. Or whatever they have in the UK.

With Supernanny and her helper gone, it’s time for the parents to fail again on their own and forget everything they learned. Things like “pay attention to your kids.”

What a boring episode. It is like watching marbles learn how to roll down a hill. Nothing was unexpected.

Then again, at least it wasn’t Full House.