The MythBusters try to break out of jail with salsa tonight. They don’t teach you that in Heloise.

Jamie and Adam are also trying to get dried cement out of a cement truck with dynamite. They also have four cement trucks to test with and blow up. Four cement truck to blow up! This will be a great night.

Not only are they trying to use salsa to break out of prison. It is, specifically, a Mexican prison. I know what you’re thinking, but it’s not made out of paper mache like a piñata. Candy isn’t kept inside either.

Cherry bombs don’t do much to the concrete truck. Actually, they did nothing at all, like spitting into the sea. Not that spitting isn’t a fun past time. Everyone enjoys it, from kings to movie stars.

Does anyone else ever imagine what it would be like if all the air in the world suddenly turned into cement? That would suck so much!

Adam is electrocuting his salsa to speed the corrosion of the metal bars. Little does Adam know that he needs DC to speed corrosion, not AC.

Back to the cement trucks, it looks like dynamite does a fine job of knocking loose the concrete caked on the sides of the drum. That leaves a few trucks left over, and a healthy amount of explosives. What to do, what to do?

I thought you should know, salsa could probably cut through bars given enough time. There is no time for that though, as high grade explosives supervised by an FBI agent are going to blow up a cement truck. This isn’t part of any myth. It’s just a fun thing to do.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That is one of the coolest things I have ever seen! One moment, a cement truck half full of cement was there. Half a second later, it was gone. Wowie wow wow wow!

This isn’t the finale for Rock Star: Supernova. It is a concert special. A concert special with the losers before the finale tomorrow. It is also a clip show. That’s so awesome it makes me want to find a safe falling from a tall building. Then I could step right underneath it.

At this point, the remaining contestants are performing some of the same songs they performed last week. What is going on here? Who thought this progression up? This follows no natural path in heightening or attention keeping. The keeping of attention. There is probably a word in Latin that means that.

Karma Police? What a daring song from Radiohead to cover. Evs.

Did I just write “evs?” I promise I will never say or write that again.

Karma Police is Dave Navarro’s favorite Radiohead song. I guess he has only listened to one song off of OK Computer. He must have been too busy divorcing Carmen Electra.

Aric: 1 – Dave Navarro: 0

A Coldplay song. Just what I was hoping to hear. This is like forcing me to listen to top 40 radio. Except, with the radio, I can’t see people crying glitter.

This show becomes a lot better if you pretend every performance is a farewell performance. I can trick myself into feeling a little bit better, since they will never perform again. That’s a lie, of course, but don’t tell me that.

Oh yeah, this is as good a time as any for a facial hair update. It is day 7.

The last “rocker” of the evening forgot the name of his song when introducing it. Good job, Mangi. Don’t you put down a dog who has the mange? Take note.

Does Jason Newsted look a bit like Lyle Lovett to anyone else? I was in an elevator with Lyle Lovett once. He had an entourage. I found that silly.

The Big Brother 7: All-Stars have been in the house for 72 days. What do they have to show for it? Lots of clips that we will be assaulted with for the next hour.

Mike and Erika are the last two all-stars left in the Big Brother house, and I could care less. That’s not true. I dislike Mike more than I dislike Erika. Don’t get confused, I dislike them both a whole bunch. I was just born with a hatred of anyone who calls themselves “Boogie.” It’s my problem, not theirs.

The last seven people kicked out of the house form the jury. The jury decides which of the final two win the game. The jury is sitting on patio furniture and talking very loudly. They are like your white trash neighbors who sit on the lawn all day. Why did you buy a house if you are going to lay outside until the sun comes up again?

The jury is asking the final two house guests one question each. It is time to become a couple of Spin Doctors. Don’t let anyone know, but I still like them. Did you know that they have five full length albums? Chew on that for a while. It tastes weird.

Howie just plugged his website while voting. Do not visit his website. I don’t know what is on there, but it can only be naked pictures of Howie. Grab the screensaver, if you like.

Clips clips clips clips clips clips clips clips clips.

And Mike wins Big Brother 7: All-Stars. Just another TV event that will not effect our lives in any meaningful way whatsoever.

Speaking of meaningless, let’s move over to Rock Star: Supernova.

Rock Star: Supernova, which I have never seen before, will “rock” my evening.

There is a lot of bad facial hair in the rock world. Speaking of bad facial hair, you should watch be grow a terrible terrible terrible mustache day by day while I read paragraphs of work from the public domain. It’s the stupidest possible thing I could think of doing with the internet.

Girls, please stop wearing hats.

The singers have to perform two songs tonight, one cover and one original composition. Dilana is singing Behind Blue Eyes by The Who. She hurt something, so she is sitting on a stool during her performance. I will pretend she broke her hip. I will also pretend her hip is the reason she keeps singing out of tune.

Dilana claims, even if she loses, she will continue on because she has a “super soul.” Watch out, Lazarus.

Magni is coving Back in the USSR by some group I’ve never heard of. His performance feels very flat and by the numbers. He’s doing a lounge signer act to a song he should be rocking out to. Doesn’t anyone know how to rock anymore?

Everyone in the audience is way more excited than they should be about all the proceedings this evening.

Storm is up after the break. Anything has to be better than Halle Berry’s dead performance of Storm in the X-Men movies.

Her “name” is Storm Large. She is murdering Suffragette City by David Bowie. I have never wanted to listen to Heart cover David Bowie, which is what this sounds like.

Lukas Rossi is performing Living on a Prayer by Bon Jovi. Can’t anyone on this show spell their name normally, asked the man named Aric.

Lukas sings like he’s growling and biting down on a popsicle stick that a doctor is trying to shove down the back of his throat. The doctor is trying to save us. He will do harm if it saves humanity. Hey, there’s your tag line for a movie where a doctor takes matters into his own hands.

Lordy Lou, Lukas’ voice is all sorts of awful. I’d rather be watching the Gilmore Girls than listening to this sun rotten garbage.

Toby Rand is doing Mr. Brightside by The Killers. I wish it was Rand McNally doing the cover. That dude can rock.

I’ve heard karaoke that was more interesting than Toby’s “performance.” Do you see how you can use quotation marks to indicate sarcasm? Try it with your teachers.

Toby was told he puts the “fun” in “rock and roll.” “Fun” doesn’t even share one letter with “rock and roll.”

What a terrible waste of television.

Get ready for a new episode of The Amazing Race! Sorry, I was confused. I mean Treasure Hunters.

This is the first time I have seen Treasure Hunters. It is also the finale of Treasure Hunters. The finale seems to involve sitting around and fiddling with a tiny metal shaft. They had better slow down, or my heart will explode from excitement.

Everyone is in the same room trying to figure out the puzzle that is a little metal tube. Since they don’t want to give away their solutions to the puzzle, they are all whispering. It is even more boring than I could have imagined.

15 minutes in, the mystery was solved and the grand prize has been found. Oh no, please tell me the last 45 minutes isn’t wrap up and memories.

Son of a donkey mixed with some sort of lizard! 45 minutes of Q&A in front of a live studio audience. There is no way I am watching this sober.

To mix up the boredom, they are showing clips from the Genworth Financial Treasure Hunters Challenge. All of a sudden I want another mortgage. That’s weird.

Now we are seeing a montage of things that happened during the show. This can not be interesting to anybody who has seen the show or anybody who hasn’t seen the show. There is no target market for these memories.

This Treasure Hunters “live finale” is the television equivalent of packing peanuts. It is here to fill space in the TV schedule so things don’t get jostled too much.

I am so very thankful that I didn’t have to watch more of this show. If they can’t make a season finale exciting, how can they can be expected to make anything out of the lesser episodes?

The big reveal at the end of the episode? It’s the size of the treasure. The treasure is worth 3 million dollars. How shocking! I am shocked! Look at how shocked I am.

What a stupid show.

For a, hopefully, jazzed up look at something that is probably educational, we turn to the Discovery Channel and Dirty Jobs.

The title of this show couldn’t be more literal. Mike Rowe, the host, goes around the country and finds the dirtiest jobs there are. Segment one brings us to a basalt rock quarry. They turn big rocks into smaller rocks into even smaller rocks. When you make rocks too small, they turn into dirt. If you get out a pen and paper, you can find the word “dirt” in “dirty.”

After cleaning caked on dirt from a grate in a space that is hardly big enough to crawl through, our host gets to pick up big rocks with a bigger CAT. After that, he gets to blow some rocks up. He doesn’t seem to have that bad a gig going on yet.

Rowe is now pumping liquid dynamite into the ground. Wait, liquid dynamite? That sounds like a bigger threat than quicksand! How have I never had the sense to be afraid of this?

Next up, Mike cleans up hippo poo. I will call it hippoo. Hippos eat 60 pounds of hay a day. I don’t know how much hippoo one hippo makes. There is a biologist who is trained specifically in diving for the retrieval of hippoo. The kid who dreams of doing that is the saddest child in the whole world.

Hippos are too dense to float. If your boat is sinking, and you have a hippo corpse and a life jacket to choose from, you know what to do.

Finally, we come to the titular job of a hoof cleaner. Basically, you lift the cow up with a metal monster, clip it’s hooves, and scrape out the hardened poo. Oddly, I find the revelation of a smooth and clean hoof being carved out of poo clumps rather soothing. I’m learning something about myself.

I liked this show! I’d watch it again without complaining. I wouldn’t complain about watching the show. I’m sure I would find some way to complain during the show.

Ducky over at duckydale.com decided to use a little influence, and whipped up a small campaign to make me watch the finale of So You Think You Can Dance. That’s what happens when people work together. And I’m not talking about buying the world a Coke and sitting around a while.

20 contestants, 6 judges, and 1 host who isn’t dress as atrociously as normal. I don’t think I’ve ever written the word “atrociously.” I quite like it. Don’t make me angry. I might use my new word on you.

So You Think You Can Dance is on for two hours tonight. As with all results shows, it could be over in about five minutes. However, in a similar fashion as ice skating and gymnastics in the Olympics, this is a night of fun and light spirits. The top four contestants get to perform their favorite routines for fun, not having to worry about the opinions of the six judges. This is acceptable. It could still be trimmed down to one hour, but I can’t very well complain a mere 15 minutes into the show.

Benji and Heidi will be dancing the cousin-licious mambo. It’s a good routine with a good song, but made ever creepy by the foreboding cloud of incest that hangs over the duo. It was fun to watch though. People sure can move their bodies in interesting ways.

K-Fed will be performing at the Teen Choice awards this year. Since when do teens like fellows who look like sexual predators? Boy, am I in a state tonight or what? What’s with all the nasty mental images? Maybe a bit of Pepsi Jazz and vodka will calm those demons.

Heidi’s choice of dance was with Travis. It was a give and take sort of dance involving a park bench and a hobo. Okay, maybe it wasn’t a hobo. The dance works much better if you think it is a loveable tramp. Seeing through the beast to the beauty, just like the end of City Lights.

Ciara (don’t ask me who that is, please) showed up to sing and dance. She has a lot of hair that blows around and gets in the way. Half of the routine had her looking like the creepy girl from The Ring.

Donyelle and Benji danced again to their energetic song from Hairspray. Musical composers know what they are doing in regards to sculpting catchy songs. Try and deny that statement! You can’t! You are powerless. And once you understand that you have no power, you are finally free. What? Vodka, this is all your fault!

Where is that mute button? Annie Lenox does not need to assault my ears like this.

There were 60 million votes for the top 4 dancers. But there is no time to dwell on that, the top 20 dancers are dancing like zombies now! I love zombies. In fact, check out what is happening in my home town!

Excuse me while I try and get five minutes of sleep during this montage of people who had been voted off.

Holy crap, after a short little routine, Heidi was let go. We have one hour left to eliminate two more people. That’s one person per half hour.

Fresh from rejection, Heidi is dancing on stage with Travis in his favorite performance of the season. The flamingo. Er, I mean flamenco.

After a short solo, Donyelle is out. That leaves 45 minutes to kick out either Travis or Benji. You are using a full loaf of bread to soak up the last bit of oil from a plate at the fancy Italian restaurant.

Martha and Travis are dancing to Steam Heat. Don’t be confused. They are not performing under the power of steam, like an olde tyme train. That is the name of a song. Anyway, Martha has arms that look like a man’s. It makes me nervous.

Benji and Tavis have both danced solo now. There is nothing left to do but give one of them the boot. But first, Fergie. She provides us with a wonderfully uninspired song and performance to break up the excitement of the season finale.

And then there was a rather boring performance to a Chicago musical number by the top 20 dancers. It’s better to fade away than to burn out?

It’s surprising how similar a made up word like “burgervore” and two separate words like “burger whore” sound. Good work, advertisers for Wendy’s. You really thought that one through.

And the winner of So You Think You Can Dance is Travis! I mean, Benji!

The end.

Beating out Veronica Mars for the first time in a long time is Big Brother 7: All-Stars.

I accidentally ordered green pepper on my pizza instead of green olive. Green pepper has no place in anything except salads.

Erika and Danielle were put up on the chopping block by Janelle. Put up for destruction. There was a Doctor Who episode were players were killed instead of being voted off. That sounds like a fun twist. Let’s try it out for a season, see if it sticks.

Mike (I will not call him Boogie) is trying to get some heavy petting from Erika in exchange for his vote. Clinton tried that. It worked pretty well. How is that for topical?

Marcellas said “backdoor.” Where’s my drink?

Oh yeah, there is a new power called the “e pluribus unum” or something. Whatever it’s call, it lets the winner of the power grab control from the Head of Household at any time they choose. From many, one indeed!

Janelle told Howie to guess “a wolf in sheep’s clothing” as the common saying, to win the special power. Then she told him to tell the other house guests he guessed “spool of lies.” Let me check with Google to see if that is a real phrase. It appears that Mark Twain used it once in chapter 24 of Life on the Mississippi. Other than that, it has failed completely in making to our common lexicon. Idiots. Spool of lies? That’s some quick thinking. It took two people to pull the wool over their eyes. Hey, wool over their eyes? That’s a phrase.

The veto competition involves previous house guests completing tasks, and then the current house guests get to write how much faster they can do it. They then have to prove that they can. Thankfully, this is much more interesting than answering questions in chambers with faulty answering equipment.

In an attempt to let Danielle win the power of veto, James threw the competition with the worst acting ever seen. I was a better actor in second grade when I pretended to miss the school bus.

No one believes James’ acting. There is a lot of bad acting this episode. Howie should grab his “spool of lies” and join James in the spilled Champaign room.

Will and Mike took separate showers with Janelle and Erika. Everybody is playing everybody. This is how the game should be. Not that I will stop giggling about “spool of lies” anytime soon. That sounds like something our Commander in Chief would say.

Danielle takes herself off of the chopping block, and Janelle put up Marcellas in her place. I hope you have seatbelts on your couch, because you’re in for a rollercoaster of emotions next episode.