Hey, I haven’t been forced to watch America’s Next Top Model in a while. With my favorite trouble maker kicked out, let’s see who steps up to the plate to cause some sparks.

Brooke went home last episode. so the remaining girls are writing a song about her. Because they liked her. It wasn’t a terrible Mad Libs sort of song. Brooke is very ______ and also has a big _____.

The first lesson for the remaining models is action modeling. They will be diving for a volleyball in the sand while trying to look good. Most of them are failing miserably. The “I-am-sitting-on-the-can” pained look isn’t sexy.

James St. James is helping the girls with some NASCAR shooting. James St. James looks like Nosferatu without the fingernails and heterosexuality.

Anchal is really annoying. She is very whiny and doesn’t want to put effort into anything because she is embarrassed. Boo goo. I hope she sticks around to make the other girls angry.

Melrose, not winning the challenge, won a bunch of clothes from the challenge. That’s what happens then the Democrats are back in control. Am I right? Am I right?

For the elimination challenge, the girls will be floating in the air in a sky diving training…umm…tube. They’ll be floating over a big fan. It is harder than it looks. Probably. I guess I wouldn’t know, because I can only look at how it looks.

25 minutes left? Time to slowly judge the photos. Big sigh.

Have 20 more minutes actually passed? I couldn’t tell because it’s hard to judge time when stuck in a vacuum of nothing.

And Anchal is out. Duh.

I wrote that before I found out who was kicked out. As it turns out, I was right. I was kind of hoping to be wrong. It would have been funnier.

House of Carters is less interesting than House of Cosbys. There is a large amount of yelling, if that is your thing.

We should get a hold on everyone. First off, we have Nick and Aaron. They are brothers who live in long echoy hallways. When they are not resting up to fight, they are fighting. The put together crappy loops which they then call “music.”

They have a sister too. That is all I have to say about that.

Do we have enough “it is so hard to be a celebrity” shows yet? I think we have enough.

Holy stunning display of logic! If you don’t deny something, then you obviously agree with what is said. Our whole judicial system is based on that concept.

The Carters can bite me. Seriously. Then I will turn into a Carter, get their money, and have a transfusion of my own blood. That will certainly work.

Today during Wife Swap, a champion eater’s wife is switched with a three time world champion boxer.

They just showed a dramatization of the champion eater eating. It was black and white video, in slow motion, of him eating, with “dramatization” labeled in the lower left hand corner. That was fantastic! Please give me more of those hilarious moments.

The boxer’s husband is a homicide detective. Her three children are also overly athletic. Did I say overly? I meant insanely overly athletic.

With the swapping complete, the wives adjust to their new homes. What happens when a woman of larger proportions enters into a fat free home?

Right off the bat, large lady, or LL as I will caller her, is being treated to the family’s backyard fight night. It is exactly what it sounds like. Then her hour long run the next morning is more of a five minute mosey, where she stops to pick flowers and put them in her hair.

Oh yeah, then LL takes over the boxer’s job as a personal trainer. What a wonderful show.

So much is happening to LL. What about the boxing gal, or BG? They take her to an all you can eat buffet and stuff their faces in front of her.

Now the wives take control. The fatties get on a strict schedule and diet. The athletes are going on a lazy schedule and a non-diet. Both families are revolting. Why would a 470 pound man revolt at the thought of going on a three mile run? The same reason I, as a 195 pound man, would revolt at the thought of going on a three mile run.

After a day of pampering, the athletic family goes right back to training. All that Magic Nails gone to waste. How sad.

None of the wives are able to enforce their rules, so they each call in backups. Do you know why the rules aren’t working? Because LL’s punishment for not following the rules is a group hug. You shouldn’t laugh at punishment. Especially if it is real punishment. They will close that iron maiden without a second thought.

BG is timing the larger family in their chores, like you would time a child to get them to use the bathroom.

Now the families are back together, talking about how the experience has changed them for the better. Come on, give me one more dramatization!

The athletic family fell right back in to their routine, but the large family kept up the exercising habits and good eating. There will be a little less matter concentrated in this New York corner of the universe now. Success!

Who will be America’s Next Top Model? It will not be you or me. Sorry. I didn’t mean to make you sad.

The hair product commercial ratio goes way up when America’s Next Top Model is on the air. It is certainly some sort of government conspiracy.

Melrose just made the cut last time after acting like a diva at her photo shoot. She fell to her knees and cried when she made it to the next round. The other girls think she was being fake. Oddly enough, I believe her. And I don’t believe anybody. Especially not models. They’re always, like, “Aric, you’ll never make it to a size 0.” And I’m all like, “Nuh huh!”

The girls are getting some hair makeovers. Layers? Different colors? Slow down, Tyra. Don’t be too drastic. Whoops, spoke too soon. There will be some long hair falling to the ground. Hopefully none of these models get their strength from their hair. You know, like that Bible guy. Noah. That whale totally choked on his hair and he was spit out.

Now Melrose is crying because she didn’t want her hair changed. Okay, now I’m sick of Melrose and her crying.

The next challenge has the girls trying to impress a Cover Girl executive with a look they put together themselves, makeup and all. This spells disaster. Whoa, Megg was too slow to pick her makeup and missed the elevator. She was eliminated. Bam, bitchy Monique was eliminated. I can’t wait to hear her rant and rage! I will be pissed if she is eliminated.

There is only one phone in the model house, and Monique spent 3 hours and 31 minutes on it. She spent a lot of time talking to her mother, who does nothing but inflate Monique’s giant ego. Ancal, bless her heart, went in to hang up the phone on Monique. She is lucky to get out of there alive. I love watching Monique.

In the final elimination challenge of the episode, the models are having a hair challenge. They brought in weavologists to help with this challenge. Wait, what? Yep, the screen said “weavologist.”

Maybe you do need a degree to be a weavologist. They put spinners in some of the model’s hair! Spinners! No hydraulics though.

Slowly slowly slowly, we make it to the elimination. Monique stays, and that is all I care about. Megan is going home. That doesn’t matter to me. We have another week of insane drama coming up. Go Monique!

The Dirty Jobs host catches shrimp and crawfish in this episode.

Our host dragged the ocean floor for shrimp to help find if it was time to open shrimp season. He caught, mostly, non-shrimp. Puffer fish, crabs, and plenty of slimy things. These all need to be thrown back into the unforgiving sea. I don’t forgive the sea for inspiring The Perfect Storm. That movie was terrible!

Host Mike Rowe is now trying to throw a deadly sting ray overboard. Too soon, Discovery Channel. Too soon.

Horse shoe crabs are creepy! They are the aliens of the sea. Or your creepy next door neighbor of the sea.

Mike is now popping the heads off of the shrimp he caught. The live shrimp. You just pinch and go on to the next one. They are the bugs of the sea. Think of it like swatting a mosquito or kicking a baby.

Next, Floyd brings Mike into the bayou to catch crawfish. Floyd has about 300 traps set up in the murky waters. Crawfish are found on every continent except Africa and Antarctica. I am not found on more continents than that.

You gotta suck da head off dem der crawfish. I thought there was nothing worse than watching someone eat ribs. I was mistaken.

The last “dirty job” of the episode involves tire recycling. Mike is helping clean up an illegal tire dump that is 90,000 tires strong. Tires are usually filled with surprises. Stinky water, mostly. I’m hoping for an angry animal.

Picking up tires isn’t good enough. Now they need to be sorted. And not between tires and things that aren’t tires. That would be too easy. A tree is not a tire. A nurse is not a tire. See, easy.

Tires have been popped and now they are being shredded. Then they go on top of tortilla chips. Just kidding. They go on top of ice cream.

A new season of America’s Next Top Model is here. It is time, once again, to root for the meanest model there is.

Wow, the contest started right when the models stepped off the plane at the airport. Photos were flying. That’s the first thing I do when I get off a plane. I grab somebody and get snapping.

There is something very similar about all of these models. Something about their waistlines. They’re huge! They should really go on a diet. I mean, they could hardly fit all 21 models into a telephone booth. That’s pathetic.

Oh lordy, there is already crying. Modeling is all about being who you are?

TWINS! What is up with TV and it’s obsession with twins? They can read your thoughts! Get rid of them!

Did I mention that I am watching this show on the new CW? How long before they can no longer call it the “new” CW?

Everyone is in their teens. I want to see the 32 year old housewives who want to try modeling.

There is no making fun of Megan, 22. When she was younger, she was in a plane crash with her mother. Her mother died of hypothermia, but she was also lying on her daughter. That kept young Megan warm enough to survive. Yowza. I have a tough enough time bothering to take 30 seconds to heat up a PopTart, let alone a little girl.

Yes yes yes, models. You are different, just like everyone else. Get in line.

Cyndel has a mouth like Jack Nicholson’s version of the Joker. She is an exotic dancer, if you want to imagine Jack Nicholson shaking his booty in your face.

Melissa Rose calls herself Melrose. You see, that is Mel minus the Issa plus the Rose. Sorry, I didn’t mean to confuse you with math. It was probably a shock to your system after concentrating on the models.

Half an hour into the first episode, we have our first cuts. The ugly scary creepy twins made it through. That is all you need to know.

The models were just told that they will be posing nude. Ginger, the conservative girl that said she can handle the liberal world of modeling, is none too pleased. I’m not pleased either. If I wanted to see this many ribs, I’d head down to Famous Dave’s. Or I could dig up all of those vagabonds I murdered.

The nude shooting was certainly a good way to stir up emotions. You can’t say you want to win this competition more than anyone, and then wuss out when it comes to nudity. There are plenty of people who want to be nude and don’t want to win a damn thing. It doesn’t work the other way around.

The judges are…judging. They are seeing so many things in the models that I’m not seeing. That’s why I don’t get to judge models. Wait, I’m judging right now. Weird.

Melrose is the first one to make it through in the second round of eliminations this evening. One of the twins made it through. As long as the other one doesn’t, I should be able to make through the rest of the season.

Oh no, there is a Meg and Megan. And the other twin made it through! I’m going to get so confused. I promise you. If I fail to become confused, you can pull my hair out one strand at a time.

With the ranks slimmed down to 13 models, they are moved into one house.

Wasn’t there a rip off of this show for male models? Thank goodness I will never be forced to watch that.

The designers from Elmer Ave. are providing the clothes for the next challenge. “Elmer Ave. is all about rock and roll.” Thanks for getting that out, corporate shill.

We get our first look at the models’ runway walk. Hilarious. The models look like they are trying their hardest to pop their hips out of their sockets. Like they will be in pain if their joints function properly for a second longer.

There were only 11 beds in the house for 13 models. Monique made it a point to steal someone else’s bed. Monique is now my favorite. She even poured water on the bed and told people she peed on it. I may never have said this before, but you go girl. Ahhh, that’s why I’ve never said it. It’s stupid as hell.

The Gilmore Girls commercials make me fear the return of the Gilmore Girls. I wonder if there is a Latin term for that fear.

Melrose is a neat freak. She is bossing everyone around.

Hold that thought, Monique is talking about herself in the third person. And she will not take a shower that is less than an hour long. Oh, I hope she doesn’t get kicked out the first episode.

Everyone cheers when Tyra comes on screen. It would be great to have that going in every day life. That might make it hard to sneak into meetings late though.

The next photo shoot challenge is about model stereotypes. Anorexic, drug taking, dumb blond, diva models. That’s a fun idea, admittedly.

Oh Melrose, quit your crying. She didn’t do so well in her photo shoot, so she locked herself in the bathroom. There has to be a better place to lock yourself. I bet real models have rooms specially built to cry in. Just a big closet with a lock on the inside. No toilets needed.

The last half hour is a waste of time. The judges will do very little as they hmm and haw over what model to kick out. You don’t need half an hour for that.

The photos were nothing amazing. Except the girl with puke on her hands sitting on the toilet. That was fantastic.

And Christian is gone. Wait, who the heck was Christian? Oh well, it’s too late to care.

The Crocodile Hunter Diaries is on, because everyone is very sad that the Crocodile Hunter has died. Some people are so sad, and stupid, that they are killing sting rays for revenge. Some people just don’t understand how reality works.

The Crocodile Hunter and his pals are playing a bunch of jokes on each other. One of them involved frying up meal worms in spring rolls. The staff who ate the rolls went for seconds before they realized what was going on. That was pretty good.

The show is displaying a more real side of Steve Irwin. He wasn’t just a crazy man who jumped on top of animals. He was real guy with a family and friends. I don’t like thinking about things, because then I might have a feeling of some sort.

Steve is letting Miss World feed a giant crocodile while she is in the pen with it.

The other 31 Miss World contestants are visiting with animals now. Dingoes! Dingoes eat babies. Babies stolen by gypsies.

I saw a documentary about gypsies once. It was very boring.

Now Steve is judging a bikini contest. Now that I think about it, this episode could have turned into a porno at any turn. Just get rid of that TV G in the corner.

Sometimes, the staff does live shows on camera. They need makeup for that. Now the guys aren’t acquainted with makeup, so they don’t know when they are being made up like drag queens. Again, just turn on the music with the groovy bass, and you have yourself a Cinemax late night movie.

Ahhh, Steve Irwin. You were a good guy. You brought joy and happiness to people around the world, which is a difficult thing to do. Good on you, Crocodile Hunter.

A new season of Survivor is upon us, and with it comes controversy. Apparently, there is this thing called “race” that I have never heard of. From what I hear, you can divide people into categories by “race” in the same way you could with “gender” or “eye color.” I have never heard of “gender” or “eye color” before either. Wouldn’t it be easier if we were all blind and deaf? Also, we could live in tiny single person boxes under the ground.

Asian-American, Caucasian, Latino, and African-American is how the tribes are originally split up. I prefer to be called a Caucasian-American, thank you very much. This show is racial insensitive towards me.

All the survivors were rushed off a boat on to rafts with minimal supplies. Now they must survive on their race alone. Wits. I mean wits.

The Latinos think they have an advantage because they grew up in tropical areas. The Asian-Americans think they have the advantage because they will be underestimated. Then I stopped paying attention.

The Caucasian team…screw it, I’m calling them white. The white team stole someone else’s chicken from the boat. Accidentally, maybe. That doesn’t matter, because some girl calling herself Flicka lifted up the box that was trapping the chickens and they ran away. Idiot. White people are so stupid.

The African-American team is having a lot of trouble making fire. That means it is a fact that black people can’t make fires. I will hold that against them. Wait a second…I can’t make fire from rubbing sticks together either! Either I’m black, or everyone can’t make fire by rubbing sticks together. I’m so confused. Am I supposed to be picking these things out or not?

A whale! I just saw a whale! I hope a tribe totally kills and eats a whale.

The winners of the first challenge win fire and immunity. It involves putting together puzzles. Old people should be so good at Survivor.

The Asian-Americans, Latinos, and Caucasians win the first challenge. They all get fire. The African-American team gets to go to tribal council and lose a member, but they get to send one member from another team to Exile Island.

Remember Pleasure Island from Pinocchio? There has to be more to pleasure than just playing pool and smoking cigars.

What I find weird is that each race has two separate genders, male and female. Is that right? Do all races have two genders? Who knew?

The white guy who stole the chicken was sent to Exile Island. It looks even more miserable than the island from last season.

The guys on the black team, who are in the minority…the gender minority, are trying to get one of the women’s vote by telling her that the women can’t survive without the men. I think the fellas may want to rethink their strategy.

Did I mention there were run aground pirate ships everywhere? There are. Pirates don’t like being the backdrop to anything.

Sekou, the jazz musician who though women were weak, was voted out. The African-American team is racist because they voted an African-American person out.

I don’t think I learned anything about anything today.

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