American Idol is sitting down the remaining contestants one by one and telling them if they made it to the top 24 or not. Janis Joplin didn’t make it.

I should also thank you for not letting One Tree Hill win tonight. I appreciate it. You must be my valentine!

There are too many sad emotions this episode. This isn’t as fun as the cat fights or forgotten lyrics of last night.

Go Chris Sligh! He’s my favorite. There is something very off about him, and I appreciate it.

I am aware that you may be worried. It is okay, the beat boxer made it through. You can finally relax. Take a Tylenol PM, why not?

American Idol is on twice a week. This need not be. But fools watch it all. Think of all the time the wasted time wasted! 25 million people watching a half hour of results? That’s 12.5 million man hours wasted. Except when the results show is a whole hour long.

“Good looking out” means nothing! Don’t try and tell me it means “thanks” or “good luck” or any crap like that. It’s nonsense! You had better not start saying that. I will hear about it. And you know that GPS thinger in your phone? That’s how I will find you. With my knives.

And…Sundance Head went through. I have a feeling he will be gone soon enough. But what do I know? I am not a musicianologist.

Trading Spouses: Meet Your New Mommy will be interesting this week. One of the families has two mommies. Get ready for a complete lack of tolerance!

The gay family is very loving. The non-gay family swears a lot and hates everything. Do you really need this insane contrast to show that gay families are okay? You’re hitting it kind of hard here, Trading Spouses.

You say you lived in a nice neighborhood? Until the Mexicans moved in? Wow. You are something else. Something else from good.

When meeting someone’s child, do not ask the child what happened to their teeth.

How can you not “get” being gay? People are people, you foolish fool! And you let your own children cut you down? And others? I guess what I’m saying is, these people are something else.

She asked then, when she used the bathroom, if she used the man or the ladies.

This isn’t as fun as I thought it would be. These are just cruel and awful people. It isn’t funny. It’s sad and scary.

Being gay is a birth defect? There is no difference between being born with six arms and being gay? Chew on that for the weekend.

AI is in AL tonight. We’re going to hear a lot of crappy country. CC as I call it for short. But the “crap” sound really cuts to the heart of the feeling.

I love when people keep singing after they were told no. If you believe in ghosts, there is your proof that people don’t move on in the face of overwhelming proof.

If I can’t tell where your boobies stop and your stomach starts, you have some issues that need to be taken care of.

Wacky outfits don’t work. Lying about your age doesn’t work either. Unless you’re a 29 year old posing as a middle school student.

Usually I don’t like sob stories. But this girl helps her grandmother take care of her paralyzed father. How did her father get paralyzed? He shot himself in the neck. After he shot his wife who was cheating on him. That’s some clean country living.

Paula had to go back to Hollywood for the second day of auditions on a family issue. She has to spend some time with her uncle, Jack Daniels.

Like a Virgin might me my favorite horribly done song. When it is screwed up really bad, it’s something special.

My Super Sweet 16 is about spoiled brats getting their way. The people who watch this show for pleasure also like to put bags over their heads while doing the nasty. For pleasure.

Stephanie is our “sexy mama” from South Beach. She has a Versace crown, purchased by her mother. The more I type, the angrier I get.

Why do little people have a hard time being taken seriously? Because you can hire them to break dance at your party.

I blame their parents. Can’t they just take her out for ice cream on her sweet 16? She doesn’t need fire jugglers and pictures out of a Lisa Frank Trapper Keeper.

It is hard to gage how terrible this show is. It would be hilarious if it wasn’t real. Would I rather watch The Class than this? That is hard to gage as well.

It’s hard to believe that Stephanie doesn’t have a boyfriend. Who wouldn’t want baggage like this?

The title of this Beauty and the Geek episode is Beauties and the Beach. This is a play on the title of the show! Which is a play on Beauty and the Beast! How smart and clever and interesting! The writers for this show need more money because they are so good!

This show sucks. Two worlds colliding couldn’t be any more boring.

Now it’s time to go to the beach! Tee hee hee! How fun! I have blond hair and love the beach and also am abstractly endowed in the chestal area!

The geeks have to make up a fitness routine. The beauties need to read books or something. The geeks have all sorts of interesting challenges, and the beauties always need to read books and study something. Way to switch it up! Books!

Erin decided to do a little stripper dance on the yacht the contestants went out on. The geeks were rather concerned that she would fall and hurt herself. All that booty shaking can make a body mighty unstable.

The girls have to use a metal detector and dig in the sand. Then they must use a found walkie talkie. Little does Megan know that she must release the walkie talkie button to listen. She is concentrating too much on the talkie part. Of course she blames the geek for her failure.

Erin and Drew, boat dance and Star Trek, got the boot. Hey, you. You there. Quit sleeping and listen to me. I’m trying to tell you what happened on this terrible TV show that put you to sleep. You’re welcome.

It’s time for the fairly terrible Hogan Knows Best. Do you know who looks like a man? Here’s a clue. It’s not the Hulkster.

Actually, it’s a bit of a trick question. It’s Brooke and her mother. Men! They look like men look. Here’s another question. Who sings like a man? Here’s a clue. It’s not the Hulkster.

Brooke is singing at a reggae festival. Reggae festival? Which events promoter got paid off to make this happen? Now someone with an obvious brain malady has offer the boy named Brooke the cover of FHM magazine and an eight page spread.

Everyone refers to FHM as the “sexy magazine.” This is where that lipstick on pig phrase comes in to play.

What is the Hulkster’s response? He is upset. This causes him to hit all the local stores buying every copy of FHM available. That’s not too different from what I do on the first of every month.

Relationships are forced on another episode of Beauty and the Geek.

The guys must go clothes shopping for themselves! Their beauty partners will be playing fashion consultants before the geeks make like a tree and get out of there. The geeks are set loose in an upscale boutique, so you know they cater to all sizes. That’s not true at all. They cater to un-fat people.

The geeks are very hairy men. The haircuts will be supremely important. In fact, haircuts are supremely important for everyone. You don’t want it to get stuck in an escalator, do you?

Mario plays with his hands a lot. Hey, I play with my hands a lot too. Internet, tell me what that means! Hmmm, I can only find stuff about Clab Your Hands Say Yeah. That’s okay with me. Did you know they have a new album coming out this month?

The girls need to sell the newly fashioned guys at an auction next.

Hold on a second here. Nate has never used deodorant before. Ever. He doesn’t even know how to put it on. That is disgusting. Imagine that smell in your mind.

This episode has been surprisingly dull and uninteresting.

The beauties make it a point to lounge around the house is very little clothing, like girls in slumber party movies. Thus, this show loses all credibility as that never happens.

Andrea and Matt got kicked out. Who were they? Who cares. I’m sick of this show.

The best part of American Idol, the lousy auditions, is here and I’m very excited. As excited as a monkey in a hen house full of other monkeys!

Tonight I am watching exactly what my wife is watching. So I get to sit on the couch instead of sequestering myself away in the lonely computer room. But how can someone really be lonely with thousands of friends on MySpace?

The show starts off with giving itself props by creating superstar after superstar. They’re trying to say “we’re so awesome” without sounding so full of themselves. It didn’t work out so well.

American Idol started out its auditions in my home town of Minneapolis. Jewel is helping is helping judge on this stop. Did you know that Jewel is still releasing albums? Me neither.

The first contestant works at Glamor Shots in the Mall of America. We don’t all work at Glamor Shots in Minnesota, just in case that was your impression. And we don’t all sing terribly, like this girl. But most of us do.

We don’t all cry like babies when we don’t get what we want, and we don’t live in a cloud of delusions. I should compile this wisdom into a book. Dispelling the myths of Minnesota.

I totally butchered The Final Countdown at karaoke a couple weeks ago. It was fun.

It’s great when people keep singing, thinking the judges need to hear one more song. They don’t need to hear one more song. You need you to leave. But thank you for continuing to sing. It is highly entertaining.

Dressing like Apollo Creed is certainly the way to get on American Idol. You mix some chicken broth with that outfit and, baby, you got yourself a stew going.

Charity case time. We have a crack baby auditioning, so she’ll make it through. She thanks God that she was born that way. Which is a little weird. She is also dressed like a prostitute. Which doesn’t seem to hurt her odds.

The The sold their music to an M&M commercial. That’s a little weird. I guess it’s not as bad as Of Montreal letting Outback Steakhouse butcher their song and change around the words.

I don’t know what to say right now. I’m rather shocked by the girl who forgot all the words to Kiss from Prince. How do you remember the lyrics? Pretend you’re wearing your headphones so you look like a mental patient.

The judges are starved for good singers. They just sent a terrible contestant through.

This cowboy here sounds a little like the brother from Napoleon Dynamite. But how does he sing? Like Kip singing Johnny Cash.

Awww dang. Ryan Seacrest just called the Midwest the Midworst. I need to bury myself in a pint of ice cream.

This contestant’s boss from Pasadena flew her up to Minnesota to audition. And she is terrible. That’s fun. The judges think she’s sleeping with her boss.

I can’t believe they’re spending the full two hours in Minneapolis. That’s a bit much, even for me. I actually sleep in a bubble above Minneapolis air space, so it’s not technically Minneapolis.

There is a song called His Eye Is On The Sparrow? That sounds like secret code from Soviet spies meeting at a deli in southern Italy. “April is an odd time to wrap Christmas gifts.” That means the seasons are not what they seem to be. Which means something. I don’t know what.

Peanut butter and chocolate are a fantastic combination. Singing and juggling, not so much. Singing and pretentious jugglers crying because someone made fun of them? Great combination!

Oh no! Randy Jackson just called us Minne-hopeless. I would be surprised to wake up tomorrow and find Minneapolis missing. It is going to disappear in the middle of the night and never be found.

Boy, oh boy, we suck.