It’s no use describing the character in the house to you. Just understand that they’re all hate each other, and they’re all very shallow. Like a house full of emotionally vacant hornets. Again with my hornet analogies. Okay, a house full of emotionally vacant shoes.

The teams in the Big Brother house are supposedly perfect matches. So far, there have been zero love connections. Even though the…oh, what’s the classy way to say this…sluts really want to make a “connection.” Sluts are classy now, right?

There are couples “on the block” to be kicked out of the house. Today, they can save themselves by winning a veto. They call it the “golden power” of veto. Yes yes, “golden shower” is the easy joke here. Very good, I’m proud of you.

For the veto competition, they dress up like cupids attached to a pulley system an yell at each other. Did I say yelling? I meant yelling in high pitched hysterics.

Hold on. “Her brain works in an honest way,” was said in regards to someone solving a puzzle. That would only make less sense if it was said about someone in a swimming competition.

The main slut-VS-I’m-just-not-into-you team came off the block. Which is kind of lame, because the team left “on the block” stirs up a lot of trouble. And why would I watch this if it weren’t for all the trouble being caused? I don’t want to watch a lot of nice people make nice.

Slut was searching for I’m Just Not Into You like the Terminator. She is nuts. Oddly enough, I’m Just Not Into You was making out with someone else. Ahhh, this show is great. The people are all nuts.

Slut and I’m Just Not Into You did hook up earlier in the game. Which is why Slut is being led on. I’m Just Not Into You call her his “boy.” IJNIY is so condescending towards Slut. And he keeps putting her down. But she keeps saying he’s her soulmate. That’s amazing. It’s like giving facts to a Creationist.

Now there is a siren threatening to change everything in the house. If it goes off, everyone needs to gather into the living room for a drastic announcement. It will probably go off during tomorrow’s episode and change everything in the game. With only a handful of couples left in the house, they need some twist to extend the game for another two months.

That’s about it for the day. See you tomorrow for, what looks like, Men in Trees. Where did all these Men in Trees fans come from?

It’s ladies night on AI (that’s American Idol, but much quicker to spell). I’ve been on top of my AI watching, and it’s pretty much sucked. The auditions weren’t fantastic. Hollywood week wasn’t devastating enough. And now the finalists are all losers. At least we only have five hours a week with the losers. Wait, five hours? Screw that.

Carly is up first, and she’s singing Heart. I don’t think you can do better or worse than Heart when singing Heart. It’s not like the vocals are fantastic to begin with, and they aren’t going to get any better when anyone else sings it.

You can download the worst performance of the night on iTunes immediately after the show. In case you like to flush you money down the internet hole

Syesha is an “actress” and can cry like a baby. Which is good for a certain kind of fetishist. She sings a song called Mr. Jones. Assumedly. It isn’t the Counting Crows. Luckily.

Brooke is a beauty school drop out, a badge that is worn on her head every day. She decides to hide behind a guitar for half the song, and squeak a terrible performance out of her doughy face. Not doughy as in fat, but doughy as in white and unremarkable. Tee heeeee. The judges like it though, so what the heck do I know?

Ramiele knows how to Polynesian dance. You might remember another idol who did that. His name was Sanjaya. Oh man, I’m so bored by this show. Maybe if I press on my eyes really hard it will be like I’m watching another show.

Kristy Lee Cook, who can only be addressed by all three names, is a farm girl and tomboy. Entertainment Weekly thinks she’s going to win. I think they just like a pretty face. Which is fine, but this is a singing competition. And she doesn’t have the vocal goods. At least her hair isn’t that of a beauty school dropout.

We’re halfway through the girls tonight, but 41 minutes into the show. When the time comes, I will amass an army and wage a war against filler.

Amanda Overmyer is called original, which is odd because she is just a Janice Joplin copy cat. And now she’s doing a terrible rendition of a Kansas song. Maybe America will send her ass packing tomorrow. Wow, this was worse than karaoke. Luckily, the judges agree. And Simon trashed her stupid hair.

Alaina doesn’t like her food touching. There is no reason I need to know this. And you aren’t watching Toys. I’m hopelessly devoted to this boring and pitchy song. Or, wait, what’s the opposite of “hopelessly devote?” Maybe angrily stabbing.
By the way, Randy Jackson’s watch is huge!

Alexandrea sings some Chicago. And when I wrote “sing,” I was being generous. Very generous. Simon is being much more brutal. Fatality!

Wow, more Heart. I’ll try to understand, try to understand, try try try to understand this song choice. Better luck next time, Kady. If there is a next time.

Then Asia’h wrapped up the night. I didn’t watch, because my cat wasn’t peeing in his litter box. Seriously, cat? The plastic next the litter box? Just move over an inch! But Simon clued me in to how she was. Terrible.

Man, AI is grating on me.

The shows starts off where Sunday’s nomination ceremony took off. Annoying Amanda and complacent Alex are up on the block along with whoseit and whatsit. Did you know that Amanda is from Fridley, MN? That means I can drive down the street and punch her in the face when she gets back. Not that I would, but I’m close enough to.

Sheila feels shafted by Allison, which is ironic considering they both faked being lesbians. Whiny Sheila feels abandoned now that Allison is safe from going home. Hold on, Allison needs an adjective. Whiny is taken. So is annoying. Come on, thesaurus. What do you have for me? Caustic? Naw. We’ll go with irritating.

Alex and whatsit are confronting pink haired James, who isn’t taking any guff. Not that any of them would use the word “guff.” Unless they were 80. Which they are not. Which leads us into the veto competition where the houseguests fight to remove their head from the block. It’s a confusing game which is no fun to watch. And the people who didn’t need to veto won. Good work.

Things came to a head with Sheila and Allison later, when voices were raised. I actually watched this action live on the internet, and they was about a half hour longer with a lot of talk about yeast infections. Thanks, TV, for saving me from hearing about Sheila’s yeast infection again.

And that’s when the bodily waste hit the windmill. First, Allison ran to the diary room after having an allergic reaction to some unknown allergen. Her tongue was swelling, from what we heard, and they needed to use an EpiPen. And then, at the same time, Amanda fainted from a lack of sugar and started seizing.

Medical units were swooped in. Amanda was taken out on a stretcher! Everyone ends up alright and comes back to the house, but everyone is now really nice to Amanda who they hated not more than one day ago. Drama drama drama!

All in all, a great episode of Big Brother. And with less female problems than the live feeds. And that’s just fine with me.

Are you curious about the origins of the term “yaya?” Yeah, me too. Let’s look! Oh, it’s Greek. That wasn’t much of a journey. I apologize.

Anywho, these folks are updating their home so yaya can live with them and their children.

“Rich color scheme” is code for “a bunch of dark colors without any emphasis.” Now that’s some “divine” design. As long as I’m being sarcastic, let’s take a look at the definition of “divine.”

of, relating to, or proceeding directly from God or a god

Yeah, it can also mean “superb.” I like to pretend the designer is being directed by hod. Because if he can spend his time designing a basement pad for yaya, he certainly has the time to check in on you in the bathroom. He knows what you’re doing in there.

I’m sick of writing “yaya.” Time to switch it up with “old lady.”

The designer used wallpaper for…does it matter? Wallpaper is a terrible invention, and should never have been encouraged.

Dangly beads on the couch pillows? What is a pillow without its basic functionality of providing comfort? What a sad and lonely life for old lady’s pillows.

Old lady loves new room. If you can take any comfort in that, more power to you.

I have missed all of this reality show, searching for the next member of this girl band powerhouse somethingrather. That being said, I’m pretty sure this will be the most important hour of television I will ever watch.

Everyone wears too much lipstick on this show. It looks like their lips are melting off from leprosy.

If you say “axe” instead of “ask,” don’t be surprised when someone makes fun of you.

“You need to go to psychology and find out who the eff you are.” We could all use a trip to psychology. That was after the barrage of “don’t judge mes.” That exchange was time well spent.

Actually, sarcasm aside, this show is pretty fantastic. They have filter down the contestants to the most annoying, and set them loose on each other. That is reality TV at its best. I don’t want to see everyone becoming fast friends. It’s all about the drama. And this show is doing that really well.

The girls are pretending to be sad after they leave their pad. Or maybe the tears are real. I would be sad if my spirit were a hard little black ball that could not be touched.

Yes, yes. We know you’re 18 and have a baby. You don’t have to be embarrassed about it. But don’t wear it like a badge of honor. You were too stupid to use birth control. Aren’t you special?

Mark McGrath, of Sugar Ray hosts this show. A quick search of Wikipedia tells me that Sugar Ray was originally called Shrinky Dinx until Hasbro threatened to sue. I didn’t think Sugar Ray could get any stupider, but it just did.

If it weren’t for the long periods of terrible performances, this would be the perfect show.

Did you know that being able to hear things helps with your singing? Thanks for that pearl of wisdom, president of Geffen Records.

There is going to be a next next Pussycat Doll? Then what was the point of this series? I don’t want this year’s model.

And the girl with the baby “won.” If you can call that winning.

Now the newly complete Pussycat Dolls are performing their one song. Truly, a night to be remembered. I’m sure someone is updating their fanpage with gusto right now.

And that is how the story ends.

It is time to watch fifteen minutes of singing and an hour and fifteen minutes of filler. It remaining ten girls will sing tonight, dedicating each of their songs to somebody special.

Flash of red hair girl is dedicating this song to her boyfriend. If I were him, I would reject the package. It sounds like a bomb. The judges don’t really agree with me. Which goes to show that everyone is wrong but me.

Alania is next, dedicating her forced attempt at singing to her mother. The judges agree with me! If I say that everyone is terrible, the judges will agree with me more often than not.

LaKisha is next. And her name is LaKisha. She was named that by her mother, but it is her grandmother that this song is dedicated to. Probably because her grandmother didn’t name her LaKisha. Randy says it was “hot.” Oh, Randy Jackson. You need to expand your adjective vocabulary. At least make up some new slang for us. Except for “good looking out.” That is just rubbish.

Doolittle, the short backup singer with squat shoulder, is dedicating her song to her close friend. I like this tiny gal. Her voice and humility are nice. She has fantastic range and control. The highs are effortless and the lows don’t sound strained. Go, little woman, go!

Antonella, whose naughty pictures have been showing up on the internet, sings next. She will be terrible. I haven’t even heard her tonight and I know it. And…I’m right. Without a doubt, she will again be the week’s Vote for the Worst.

Jordin dedicates this performance to her brother. My verdict? Let me see, where is that thesaurus? Ahhh, here we go. Monstrous. That seems a little strong. We’ll just go with “not so good.”

Stephanie dedicates her song to the people who created her out of egg and sperm. It’s a really weird performance. The intention of the performance is to confuse us, I think. If we say it’s bad, we just didn’t get it. Well, I didn’t get it. And it was bad.

Leslie dedicates this song to her late Grandpa Bob. Does she dedicate her short skirt to Grandpa Bob too? It wasn’t going terribly, until she tried to skat. It sounded like literal skat.

Haley sends this song out to her fiance. Her “dancing” is Riverdance mixed with a seizure, topped with the last flailing motions of a drowning woman.

Sabrina ends the night. She has Paula standing up a bopping in place, but that doesn’t mean anything anymore. She’d get up on her feet for a half tab of Percocet.

There you have the girls. Go Doolittle! And vote for Antonella. She is frightful.

Family one lives in the country and eats raw meat in preparation for when civilization collapses. The other family lives in the city. So there you go.

The farm kids don’t go to school. And they don’t clean their house because they believe bacteria is a good thing. Uh oh! Watch out, Ivory! I don’t think they care that your soap floats!

Oh yeah. Put that gun away! Wife Swap has the wives following the other family’s rules for a week, then they make their own rules.

I don’t know where to being with this raw diet. It’s easier to digest? Shenanigans! Cooking food breaks down the chemical bonds and allows you to digest more of it. You get more nutrients from cooking food!

The raw family also wakes up at 2 AM every day to drink yogurt so their body doesn’t go into anorexia mode. You know what? The anorexia modes comes from evolution. If you’re not eating, your body thinks their is a famine and starts storing fat. So you always want to be full. But you know what? You sleep! Humans have always slept! Your body knows that you’re going to have to sleep! It makes adjustments accordingly!

This isn’t city life versus country life. This is city life versus flat out insanity!

“You’re killing the good bacteria and the bad bacteria. Do you really think God would put something on this planet that would hurt us?” Lions! Lions lions lions! Lions! LIONS!

Hey, there’s something I can dig at the city folk for. Feng shui. Putting that red chair against the north wall will not bring you good luck. That’s magical thinking! Stop that!

Farm mom wanted to kill a chicken in front of city daddy’s children. You know, to teach them where food comes from.

Eating out every night isn’t good for you either. That is a bit insane. Not “eat raw meat” insane. But still encompassed by the word that is “insanity.”

What have I learned from this hour? That I am right about everything.

Oh yeah, and the one thing that the farm family took away from this experience? Feng shui.

The Andrews family has a a wife who is a house. Or, rather, a house wife. She serves everyone. Also, the Andrews are from what I can only assume is Boston. It sounds like they’re a little slow. But that’s just because they say “car” funny. Mommy also has a lazy eye.

Did you know that if you don’t fix lazy eye by the age of 10, you’re stuck with it forever? The brain stops making vision pathways by that time. So quit stalling and get your kid’s eye fixed already! Put down the KFC snacker and make it happen!

The other family is a rock ‘n’ roll family. They were married on David Bowie and Elvis Presley’s birthday. That is pretty rock ‘n’ roll. And their sweet 17 year old daughter loves ballet. Weird!

Mark, the rock ‘n’ roll husband, reminds me a lot of Michael Showalter of Stella and so much more.

Here’s a quick questions. Is soda and booze a good pre-breakfast snack? The answer has to be yes. If you can smoke like a chimney and drink all night long when you’re 50, you’re doing something right. Heck, at 27 I can hardly make it past 11 pm.

House mom doesn’t know what to do with herself. Neither does rock ‘n’ roll mom. I guess that’s sort of the point.

Rock mom has been told to clean the house, and the lazy daughters sleep all day long. Refusal to dust daily brings in the conflict. Dust daily? Are you kidding? Do you have an allergy to dirt? Of course you don’t. You’re a mechanic!

The rock daughter is home schooled, which is crazy. Super religious people seem to be the ones homeschooling their children. Not those at odds with the opinions of the government.

I don’t see why this is a two part episode. I feel no compulsion to watch part two.

I should also thank you for not letting One Tree Hill win tonight. I appreciate it. You must be my valentine!

There are too many sad emotions this episode. This isn’t as fun as the cat fights or forgotten lyrics of last night.

Go Chris Sligh! He’s my favorite. There is something very off about him, and I appreciate it.

I am aware that you may be worried. It is okay, the beat boxer made it through. You can finally relax. Take a Tylenol PM, why not?

American Idol is on twice a week. This need not be. But fools watch it all. Think of all the time the wasted time wasted! 25 million people watching a half hour of results? That’s 12.5 million man hours wasted. Except when the results show is a whole hour long.

“Good looking out” means nothing! Don’t try and tell me it means “thanks” or “good luck” or any crap like that. It’s nonsense! You had better not start saying that. I will hear about it. And you know that GPS thinger in your phone? That’s how I will find you. With my knives.

And…Sundance Head went through. I have a feeling he will be gone soon enough. But what do I know? I am not a musicianologist.

The gay family is very loving. The non-gay family swears a lot and hates everything. Do you really need this insane contrast to show that gay families are okay? You’re hitting it kind of hard here, Trading Spouses.

You say you lived in a nice neighborhood? Until the Mexicans moved in? Wow. You are something else. Something else from good.

When meeting someone’s child, do not ask the child what happened to their teeth.

How can you not “get” being gay? People are people, you foolish fool! And you let your own children cut you down? And others? I guess what I’m saying is, these people are something else.

She asked then, when she used the bathroom, if she used the man or the ladies.

This isn’t as fun as I thought it would be. These are just cruel and awful people. It isn’t funny. It’s sad and scary.

Being gay is a birth defect? There is no difference between being born with six arms and being gay? Chew on that for the weekend.

I love when people keep singing after they were told no. If you believe in ghosts, there is your proof that people don’t move on in the face of overwhelming proof.

If I can’t tell where your boobies stop and your stomach starts, you have some issues that need to be taken care of.

Wacky outfits don’t work. Lying about your age doesn’t work either. Unless you’re a 29 year old posing as a middle school student.

Usually I don’t like sob stories. But this girl helps her grandmother take care of her paralyzed father. How did her father get paralyzed? He shot himself in the neck. After he shot his wife who was cheating on him. That’s some clean country living.

Paula had to go back to Hollywood for the second day of auditions on a family issue. She has to spend some time with her uncle, Jack Daniels.

Like a Virgin might me my favorite horribly done song. When it is screwed up really bad, it’s something special.

Stephanie is our “sexy mama” from South Beach. She has a Versace crown, purchased by her mother. The more I type, the angrier I get.

Why do little people have a hard time being taken seriously? Because you can hire them to break dance at your party.

I blame their parents. Can’t they just take her out for ice cream on her sweet 16? She doesn’t need fire jugglers and pictures out of a Lisa Frank Trapper Keeper.

It is hard to gage how terrible this show is. It would be hilarious if it wasn’t real. Would I rather watch The Class than this? That is hard to gage as well.

It’s hard to believe that Stephanie doesn’t have a boyfriend. Who wouldn’t want baggage like this?

This show sucks. Two worlds colliding couldn’t be any more boring.

Now it’s time to go to the beach! Tee hee hee! How fun! I have blond hair and love the beach and also am abstractly endowed in the chestal area!

The geeks have to make up a fitness routine. The beauties need to read books or something. The geeks have all sorts of interesting challenges, and the beauties always need to read books and study something. Way to switch it up! Books!

Erin decided to do a little stripper dance on the yacht the contestants went out on. The geeks were rather concerned that she would fall and hurt herself. All that booty shaking can make a body mighty unstable.

The girls have to use a metal detector and dig in the sand. Then they must use a found walkie talkie. Little does Megan know that she must release the walkie talkie button to listen. She is concentrating too much on the talkie part. Of course she blames the geek for her failure.

Erin and Drew, boat dance and Star Trek, got the boot. Hey, you. You there. Quit sleeping and listen to me. I’m trying to tell you what happened on this terrible TV show that put you to sleep. You’re welcome.

Actually, it’s a bit of a trick question. It’s Brooke and her mother. Men! They look like men look. Here’s another question. Who sings like a man? Here’s a clue. It’s not the Hulkster.

Brooke is singing at a reggae festival. Reggae festival? Which events promoter got paid off to make this happen? Now someone with an obvious brain malady has offer the boy named Brooke the cover of FHM magazine and an eight page spread.

Everyone refers to FHM as the “sexy magazine.” This is where that lipstick on pig phrase comes in to play.

What is the Hulkster’s response? He is upset. This causes him to hit all the local stores buying every copy of FHM available. That’s not too different from what I do on the first of every month.

The guys must go clothes shopping for themselves! Their beauty partners will be playing fashion consultants before the geeks make like a tree and get out of there. The geeks are set loose in an upscale boutique, so you know they cater to all sizes. That’s not true at all. They cater to un-fat people.

The geeks are very hairy men. The haircuts will be supremely important. In fact, haircuts are supremely important for everyone. You don’t want it to get stuck in an escalator, do you?

Mario plays with his hands a lot. Hey, I play with my hands a lot too. Internet, tell me what that means! Hmmm, I can only find stuff about Clab Your Hands Say Yeah. That’s okay with me. Did you know they have a new album coming out this month?

The girls need to sell the newly fashioned guys at an auction next.

Hold on a second here. Nate has never used deodorant before. Ever. He doesn’t even know how to put it on. That is disgusting. Imagine that smell in your mind.

This episode has been surprisingly dull and uninteresting.

The beauties make it a point to lounge around the house is very little clothing, like girls in slumber party movies. Thus, this show loses all credibility as that never happens.

Andrea and Matt got kicked out. Who were they? Who cares. I’m sick of this show.

Tonight I am watching exactly what my wife is watching. So I get to sit on the couch instead of sequestering myself away in the lonely computer room. But how can someone really be lonely with thousands of friends on MySpace?

The show starts off with giving itself props by creating superstar after superstar. They’re trying to say “we’re so awesome” without sounding so full of themselves. It didn’t work out so well.

American Idol started out its auditions in my home town of Minneapolis. Jewel is helping is helping judge on this stop. Did you know that Jewel is still releasing albums? Me neither.

The first contestant works at Glamor Shots in the Mall of America. We don’t all work at Glamor Shots in Minnesota, just in case that was your impression. And we don’t all sing terribly, like this girl. But most of us do.

We don’t all cry like babies when we don’t get what we want, and we don’t live in a cloud of delusions. I should compile this wisdom into a book. Dispelling the myths of Minnesota.

I totally butchered The Final Countdown at karaoke a couple weeks ago. It was fun.

It’s great when people keep singing, thinking the judges need to hear one more song. They don’t need to hear one more song. You need you to leave. But thank you for continuing to sing. It is highly entertaining.

Dressing like Apollo Creed is certainly the way to get on American Idol. You mix some chicken broth with that outfit and, baby, you got yourself a stew going.

Charity case time. We have a crack baby auditioning, so she’ll make it through. She thanks God that she was born that way. Which is a little weird. She is also dressed like a prostitute. Which doesn’t seem to hurt her odds.

The The sold their music to an M&M commercial. That’s a little weird. I guess it’s not as bad as Of Montreal letting Outback Steakhouse butcher their song and change around the words.

I don’t know what to say right now. I’m rather shocked by the girl who forgot all the words to Kiss from Prince. How do you remember the lyrics? Pretend you’re wearing your headphones so you look like a mental patient.

The judges are starved for good singers. They just sent a terrible contestant through.

This cowboy here sounds a little like the brother from Napoleon Dynamite. But how does he sing? Like Kip singing Johnny Cash.

Awww dang. Ryan Seacrest just called the Midwest the Midworst. I need to bury myself in a pint of ice cream.

This contestant’s boss from Pasadena flew her up to Minnesota to audition. And she is terrible. That’s fun. The judges think she’s sleeping with her boss.

I can’t believe they’re spending the full two hours in Minneapolis. That’s a bit much, even for me. I actually sleep in a bubble above Minneapolis air space, so it’s not technically Minneapolis.

There is a song called His Eye Is On The Sparrow? That sounds like secret code from Soviet spies meeting at a deli in southern Italy. “April is an odd time to wrap Christmas gifts.” That means the seasons are not what they seem to be. Which means something. I don’t know what.

Peanut butter and chocolate are a fantastic combination. Singing and juggling, not so much. Singing and pretentious jugglers crying because someone made fun of them? Great combination!

Oh no! Randy Jackson just called us Minne-hopeless. I would be surprised to wake up tomorrow and find Minneapolis missing. It is going to disappear in the middle of the night and never be found.

Boy, oh boy, we suck.

Jenner will be trying to determine if Mike, Luciano, and Chris are what they say they are. If she picks out who the straight guy is, they get to go on a vacation. If she picks the gay or married guy, they get the vacation.

Right now, without seeing any of the guys, I will say Luciano is gay. Men with four syllable names are generally gay. I just made that up. It’s probably not true at all.

Jenner’s first bit of detective work is taking the fellas to the pool. You know, so she can check out who is checking out who. That’s the worst plan ever. A gay man trying to win a deluxe vacation isn’t going to slip and check out another dude’s package. He is smarter than that. Heck, the package probably isn’t even the main attraction.

Now they’re playing football. Come on! Are you serious?

Jenner ended up going through the guys’ cars. That doesn’t seem fair. Although a messy car does not equal a single guy. I’m proof of that.

Jenner got all the guys wrong. But I didn’t! Who was gay? Luciano.

Second half hour of the premiere. Same rules, different people. Let’s go.

Jilina, whose name is worse than Jenner, is trying to figure out who is who. Well, her and her dog Oscar. Ayo, Vic, and Calen are the guys she has to chose from. No four syllable names this time. But Calen is the longest. I’ll say Calen is gay.

The first thing Jilina checked was their nails. After that, it was time to paint a nude male.

I thought MTV has some long commercial breaks. Lifetime beats it by double.

I proclaim this show lame. Spread the word. Or don’t. Hold on, they’re rubbing crotches. What the hell am I watching? Now they’re walking on coals! I don’t like this show. Not at all.

The girls seemed to always think the taken guys are gay. My semi-rule works again, and Calen is gay. I guess I can spot them by not looking at them. That’s weird.

Flower, the ruler of the manor, had a litter of pups about three weeks back. They have a 1 in 4 chance of dying in their first days out of the burrow. The whole meerkat clan is on high alert for hawks. Yeah, so is everybody else in the whole world. The hawk thinks I owe him money, but I say it was a gift and not a loan like he’s claiming.

Meerkats can eat scorpions without worrying about its poison. No, not the bands Scorpions and Poison. Do we need to enroll you in some extra tutoring classes at Sylvan Learning Center?

Some young “teenage” meerkats took one of the pups out for a good time. Then abandoned it while they roughhoused elsewhere. So the pup is 99.9% doomed.

One of the older meerkats saved the pup. Hooray for 0.1%! Isn’t that the rate that properly used birth control fails?

Shakespeare just got himself bit. Twice. By a puff adder. So he’s pretty much dead. But so was that pup. I have a feeling he will live a long life filled with standing up on his hind legs.

Tosca, one of Flower’s older children, probably gave birth to her own pups last night. Too bad Flower reserves the right to be the only one who has children. That’s a hell of a right. So she’s going to kill herself some babies!

Carlos, a meerkat from a rival clan, is rubbing his hairy berries all over everything. Specifically around Flower’s new pups. Meerkats needs to make themselves some decency laws.

There was almost a rumble between Flower’s clan and Carlos’. Alas, nothing exciting happened. And Shakespeare is still alive.

The rumble is back on! Flower’s clan kicked some butt. That doesn’t stop Carlos from coming back and stalking their females. That dude doesn’t give up when it comes to sexual exploits.

This isn’t a dating show, mind you. It is about discovering the inner beauty of people you wouldn’t normally hang around.

As if you didn’t understand the contrast between the beauties and the geeks, the geeks arrived on scooters and the beauties arrived in limos. Get it? They’re different!

The wonderful thing about this show is that the two groups each say equally cringe worthy things. The plus goes to the geeks who don’t giggle and make “I’m so cute” face after everything they say.

In listing their qualities, the Trekkie said he was good at Excel spreadsheets. Is he applying for a data entry job? Come on now, geeks. You should know better. Another one can imitate household appliances. And does with little provocation.

I don’t think there is a happy medium between these two extremes. They can help each other out, but there is something way out of whack with both of these groups.

This geek would choose Star Trek over women. His partner wasn’t sure if it was Star Trek or Star Truck. I’d totally watch Star Truck.

The first mission for the teams goes as follows. The girls use the Dewy Decimal system and the guys have to practice their social skills with different tasks. I don’t remember the last time I set foot in a library. The internet is how I do my research. And the information is always 100% correct (this phrase is 0% correct).

After finding the books, the geeks need to get a girl’s phone number and get someone else to rub suntan lotion on their back. “It rubs the lotion on its body or else it gets the hose again,” is all I can think about. Why did they have to make a stupid sequel to that awesome movie?

You know what? I would be terrible at this geek task. I really am no good at going up and talking to people. Even store clerks, whose job it is to help you. Yeah, I know it’s a problem.

Now an interesting twist comes in. There isn’t an elimination straight away, but the teams have a chance to leave the house for the right price. It’s a smart move on the producer’s too, weeding out people who are just there for the money and not for the experience.

Nobody left the game. It was a nice try.

The next challenge has the girls boning up on current events for a real conversation and the guys will have to do a stand-up comedy routine. Now getting up in front of people on stage I can do. Isn’t that kind of weird?

Oh so awesome! One geek, who calls himself Pi, decided to go the vulgarity route. It failed horribly. It was really great to watch. It’s so fun to watch people who aren’t you do terribly at something. Unless it is a doctor operating on me. It is not okay for them to fail.

The ladies have to interview the co-author of Freakonomics in a news style way. The girls did get the book as a study guide, but they were just told they’d be talking about current events. Most of the girls didn’t even read a bit of the book.

I’m cringing more at the ladies playing news anchors than the guys doing stand-up in front of real people. Being stupid is one thing. Being put into a situation that highlights your stupidity in front of others is another. Wowie wow wow.

Two phrases that need to be eliminated from common usage are “you tried” and “you did your best.” Anyone can try. What does that mean? You tried? It’s hard not to try unless you’re dead. And if you fail at your best then you’re hopeless. Do you see why these need to go? Yes, of course you do.

Sanjay and Tori got the boot after failing horribly. Horribly at everything. Both of them. Good riddance.

These folk live in Texas. Now this Brian dude only has one legal wife, but two spiritual wives. So the title of this show is already misleading.

Brian is a psychologist. I can’t quite wrap my mind around that. He doesn’t believe in monogamy since it leads to more divorces. I have a feeling that more marriages were ended by trying to bring a second woman around. I reject your stupid theory, Brian.

Brian married his first wife legally. Then he started sleeping with and then moving in the other two ladies.

The thing about polygamy that rubs me the wrong way is the treatment of women. He just started sleeping with other woman? That doesn’t seem like a responsible and respectful things to do. Have as many wives and husbands as you want! But don’t be a jerk about it, okay?

Would you believe me if I told you that Brian had issues with his parents? He does! Shocker!

They are celebrating anniversaries? That doesn’t seem quite right. A lot of this doesn’t seem quite right.

Did I mention there are a million kids running around? There are.

Wife number one isn’t happy about the potential wife number three. Wife number one stated that one person needed to be the bigger person. Which lends itself so perfectly to the “No, it’s big of me” joke.

Okay, here’s how it works. Everyone should be in love with each other. The man loves the two women? Fine. Then the two women have to be in love with each other two. And, hey, maybe they’ll throw another dude in there. As long as everyone is in love with him, it’s all cool.

Brian just invited the first two wives to help pick out wife number three’s wedding band. There’s salt in the old wound for you.

The kids aren’t too happy about this new wife either. Add that to the reasons that Brian is a complete bastard.

Then Brian can’t handle the stress coming from the three women, so he leaves everyone at home and goes out to the bar. That goes on the reason list.

The third “wife” came in and saved their home financially. With neither of the wives working, you’re saying they were short on cash? How is that even possible? With the husband working one job, they should have plenty of money rolling in!

Then the wives voted number three out. Good for them. Everyone in the house is now happy. Except for Brian. Who is mopey.

TLC is a channel full of people I have no sympathy for.