Little Beauties: Ultimate Kiddie Queen Showdown is all about child stars and child star families. Oh wait, this is VH1 News Presents: Child Star Parents Exposed. You lied to me, TV Guide! I do have a feeling that Little Beauties: Ultimate Kiddie Queen Showdown would have been a bit freaky for me. Child beauty contests are scary.

Did you know there was a VH1 News department? It must be hard being in charge of so much fluff. A slight breeze could blow it all away.

Lindsay Lohan had a terrible papa. Hillary Duff has a controlling mother. Joe Jackson rode his children’s fame all the way to LA. Macaulay Culkin’s dad sucked. This is hard hitting news, people!

I feel like I’m drowning in a pool of tabloids. Spears. Simpson. Shields. If you have a last name that starts with S, you are screwed.

Take a breath, VH1! We don’t need this much information this fast. And chew your food a few times before you swallow.

I’m really sick of this show. It’s poison disguised as a sugary treat.

I would have preferred One Tree Hill over this. And that’s saying something.

The Colbert Report will give me the political satire I so sorely need on a daily basis. Because I can’t take my politics straight. I need sugar and cream in it. The cream of truthiness.

Stephen has been harassing his female employees as of late, in a satirical way you understand, so he is making amends in comedic and inappropriate ways.

Just like Stephen doesn’t see races, he doesn’t see sexes either. He only sees Americans.

How can a show be so funny on a daily basis? It seems impossible! We have surely fallen through a hole to another funnier universe.

When talking to Jane Fonda about her female radio station, Stephen moved the discussion from his desk to a more appropriate kitchen setting. Hilarious. This is one solid night of television!

Not much to blog about here. A funny news show that is funny. But you already knew that.

Like a hidden camera prank show gone terribly wrong, Dateline NBC: To Catch a Predator catches prospective sexual predators. It is scary and entertaining at the same time. It is amazing, really.

If you haven’t seen the show before, an internet watchdog group sniffs out sexual predators in chat rooms. If the predators bite, then they invite them over to a fake house where the fake teen will be home alone. What the predator actually gets is an eyefull of Chris Hansen from Dateline. He then questions them before they are arrested by the cops.

The first guy caught has seen the Dateline NBC: To Catch a Predator show before. Wow, and you keep chatting online with 13 year old girls? At least he is determined. Maybe he can use that determination to get a new record in license plate making.

There have been three military men caught in this investigation so far. One of them is a newlywed, married two full months. Come on now, after two months of marriage, everyone needs to have sex with an underage girl. Right?

I like when the guys try to bargain with Chris Hansen. “How about I go, lesson learned?” Do you think bank robbers try the same thing?

Lots of computer engineers. These are guys who, with the internet at their command, have gotten bored with pornography.

The next computer guy to come to the fake house is actually two guys. Why would you bring your friend along? That doesn’t even make sense!

I like the guys who send pictures of their genitals. Now I’m not a girl, but I know that the pickle and olives aren’t a pretty Thanksgiving side dish.

Oh no, the next guys is an oncologist. Dateline called him a cancer doctor because we are dumb. Not as dumb as this oncologist though.

Welcome to a mighty test of willpower. Almanac, one of the most boring shows on television, will battle my sleep starved brain. I still don’t regret staying up to see Snakes on a Plane. I do regret giving you Almanac as a voting option. At the least, I hope this made you feel powerful.

Are you ready for Hennepin County’s next prosecutor? How about the latest in NWA labor relations? I wish I had eaten some prunes to make this show pass through my system more quickly.

For those of you who don’t live in Minnesota, this show is of even less interest to you. Northwest Airlines (not the other NWA) is having trouble with bankruptcy, and now their flight attendants have won the right to strike at random. I hope they roll a twelve sided die to see if they go into work for the day. That would be rather chaotic neutral of them.

The Hennepin County attorney candidates are going head to head on crime and the like. It is as if they are both riding the same brand of unicycle. It is red, but they’re trying convince us that it is their own personal brand of color. It is red, guys. You’re both riding a red unicycle.

A dentist and host of the local TV show, Chai City, is on now. It’s a show about south Asian and Indian affairs. Let me check my blood card. Irish, Scandinavian, a dash for French Canadian. Nope, no Asian or Indian in there. I don’t have to feel guilty for never watching Chai City. I can feel guilty about missing Lefse O’Toole’s Fur Trader Jamboree.

Now it is time for Paul Douglas, a local meteorologist. From what I can gather, there is a thing called “seasons.” And these “seasons” change. I’ll have to check into this. I have lived in Minnesota for 26 years and this is the first I have heard of “seasons.”

Try and take this all in without starving your brain of interesting information. There is a lake in Minnesota called Lake Minnetonka. In Lake Minnetonka there is a big island. The big island in Lake Minnetonka is called Big Island. Are you still with me? Hello? Hello? Hey, you! Breath! I know you might want to lose some more brain cells, so you can laugh without care at this fall’s sitcoms. It isn’t worth it!

Almanac is a waste of time. If I were really interested in community happenings, I could search the internet and read all of the information provided here in about five minutes. The “interesting” debate would be best reserved for the radio. I do not need to see middle aged folks sitting in a semi circle talking slowly about topics they think we are interested in. I moved past semi circles in kindergarten.

This is a show that commercials would help. I need a toy commercial to break up these pockets of hot air. Damn you, public broadcasting!

The Colbert Report has caused quite a stir today. Apparently, he gave Washington D.C. Senator Eleanor Holmes Norton quite a hard time. It’s time to watch it and throw in my own opinion.

Stephen Colbert keeps getting better and better. You think he’d plateau and then start loosing fans at some point, but he just keeps gaining more respect and clout. It’s impressive to watch. Oh, and hilarious. He is very funny. In fact, he is delightful. Wait, I didn’t just say that.

My favorite commercial! Yippie! BOO CREEPY FOOT DOCTOR! That will actually make me buy some Red Stripe tomorrow. Good work, advertisers.

The Eleanor Holmes Norton interview was just as funny as when I watched it the other two times today. You can’t quite tell if Norton isn’t getting the joke, or if she is playing along. My first instinct is to say she was genuinely annoyed by Colbert. It’s more fun thinking that, anyway. Bravo to Colbert for his quick wit. He deserves all the praise he gets.

Joe Quesada, Editor-in-Chief of Marvel Comics, is tonight’s guest. Editor-in-Chief. That makes me think of an Indian who ate an editor. It is even in halted English as Indians were portrayed in black and white movies. “How. You looking for pale face with eye windows? Editor in chief.” It was a long way to get to that punch line. Thanks for sticking around.

Here’s a tip. I am full of tips, by the way. Anyway, the tip. If you see a movie preview that only uses single words from reviews like “cool” or “sexy,” the movie is no good. The reviewers could easily have been saying, “This movie is in no way cool. The lead actors as about as far from sexy as you can get.” Do you see? Live and learn.

My TV goes up this high? I just changed the channel to C-SPAN, to watch the British House of Commons sponsored by Steve Petersen. It’s a repeat. A repeat? How can you make C-SPAN any worse?

Hosni Murbarak, the Egyptian Prime Minister, is going to be speaking for half an hour at the World Economic Forum. Touché, C-SPAN. Well played.

He is talking about political and economic reform. Just the thing I am not interested in. Hosni is being translated too. If his speech is boring, it is only made more boring by the translator.

This conference is occurring in Sharm El-Shieik, Egypt. Do you think anyone ever says, “Don’t squeeze the Sharmin?” That will probably get your hands cut off.

He is saying “responsibility” and “challenges” a lot. Those are two words that make me very tired. That would make me a terrible contestant on The Apprentice.

This is a big summit. I would think that people would have broken out in applause at some point. Not that there has been much to clap at.

There! “Egypt extends its hands to all!” Really? No applause? Tough crowd. He should have opened up with a joke.

I feel a little bit better, because everyone in the audience looks as bored as me. I think one guy was sleeping.

The banner behind him says “World Economic Forum” over and over and over. Like we need to be reminded that we are watching an economic forum. I thought I was watching Kramer vs. Kramer. Thank goodness for the banner.

The director is throwing in a lot of crane shots of the crowd. He is trying ever so hard to make this exciting. It is an unwinnable situation.

“Winds of change” is a phrase that Hosni is throwing out a lot too. I think the wind in Egypt would be searing. Full of sand and drought. As fun as that seems, I wouldn’t want it.

I didn’t think there would be a speech that PowerPoint could truly punch up, but this proves that thought wrong. I would kill for a pie chart right about now. Heck, I’d going on a killing spree for some actual pie.

If you take anything away from this half hour, let it be that the Egyptian President is boring as socks and underwear. Not the kinky kind either. Kinky kind of underwear, not socks. Are there kinky socks?

Blah blah blah Almanac. Blah blah blah. Time for more boring chit chat from local lawmakers.

The main story tonight is the lawmakers crumbling under pressure to sign bills on a new Twins baseball stadium.

Oh good, a bill was signed to make the honeycrip apple our state fruit. That’s important. Actually, I could probably win some bar bets with that knowledge. Not that I go to bars. I am too sleepy from watching TV.

My dad was part of a focus from for Almanac once. His comment was that this doesn’t need to be a TV show. There is nothing here that couldn’t go on the radio. He hit the nail on the head there. The show is nothing but talking heads. And not the good kind, with David Byrne.

I am going to pretend that everyone on the show is a cannibal, and they are always seconds away from eating each other.

You think talk about actual sports, and not stadiums, would liven the conversation up. Instead, they have the politest sports commentator in the world on the show. Holy cow!

Are you interested in bankruptcy policy? I’m not. These cannibals seem to know something about it though.

The senators have 36 more hours before they recess for the summer. Does anyone else wish there were playgrounds for adults? It would be great to run around and blow off some steam during a lunch break before returning a cubical.

I want to punch everything. Not just the people on this show, but ponies and rainbows too.

If you voted for this showing of Almanac, I wish for your genitals to become engorged with blood and puss. You heard that right. You’re in trouble now.

Almanac is a “series examining local current affairs.” It is put on by my own Twin Cities Public Television. This should be interesting for everyone around the world! Or nobody at all, even those from the Twin Cities.

I actually attended a live taping of this show once. I was in middle school, and my uncle was directing an episode, or something like that. I remember the candy jar in the control booth was empty. That is about all I took away from the experience. That is super sad.

Scientists did a study about movies with comas. Of the 30 movies they studied, none of them portrayed comas even slightly realistically. There must be a lot of people locally who are in comas. Heck, maybe I am in a coma. If it isn’t like it is in the movies, we could all be in comas.

The local legislature is trying to finish up early. I was always befuddled by the fact that congress got a vacation. This doesn’t seem very fair. Congress should be working all the time! Not having fun with their Slip-N-Slides and Skip-Its.

Damn you PBS, and your lack of commercials so I can pee! A few folks are talking about a gas tax holiday. I think the show is running on one boom mic, because the sound cuts out when another person starts talking.

Was anyone in Quiz Bowl in high school? I wasn’t, but most of my friends were. I do like catching Quiz Bowl showings on local cable access. It’s super boring. Anyway, speaking of boring, Ken Jennings of Jeopardy! fame is on the show to talk about Quiz Bowl. The more I stare at Ken Jennings’ face, the more he looks like an alien. He also has a Mickey Mouse watch on. Wait, I mean, who is Mickey Mouse?

Do you know what is more boring than a book? Discussing a book. Especially a book about the courthouses of Minnesota. If military service were anything like this segment, I could see why people would cut off their fingers to get out of serving.

I know there is a lot I don’t understand about being a Medicare beneficiary. But I don’t see myself striking up a conversation with my twenty-something aged friends about the ins and outs about filling out the proper paperwork for Medicare benefits.

C-SPAN was better than this! At least people were standing up and knew what they were going to say. Now they have politicians sitting down in comfy chairs and talking like they are pumped full of Vicodin. That’s enough, I’m taking a mandatory PBS break and getting myself a Minnesota brewed Grain Belt Premium.

A pox an anyone who voted for Almanac this week. A pox, I say!