Here we are again, watching the DVDs that the loyal fans of Make Me Watch TV purchased. Purchased so I could be forced to watch more of their favorite shows. I still maintain that Jennifer Garner is no smarty, that shouldn’t effect my enjoyment. Or lack of enjoyment.

The blog tells me that I last watched Alias over a year ago. Wow. Let’s see how much I forgot.

Okay okay. Sydney works as a double agent for the CIA trying to bring down evil SD-6 with her father. Is there anyone on TV without daddy issues?

I totally skipped out on Alias in the middle of a two parter. Sydney got smacked down, and they implanted a bomb in somebody.

Don’t worry. She got away from those guys by running and kicking. I always try the first of those two. Kicking might come in handy sometime.

Nobel Peace Prize winners should not be truest. They could all have bombs secretly planted in them. I’m looking at you, Linus Carl Pauling.

Sydney and pal stole the prize winner and are racing around in an ambulance while trying to take the bomb out because the dudes with the remote detonation device are chasing them.

That was some fantastic action. Well done, Alias. Oh, now Sydney has a paper to finish. I forgot about this college business. Sigh.

Hah, okay. The first 12 minutes were the opener. Now the credits roll. Things had better get much more intense. I mean, we were just caressed by wonderful explosions.

It has been a year. I forgot about the guy with the huge head! Dang, Marshall! Your head is big!

A Halloween party is the sub-plot. Let’s ignore that. Sydney needs to sneak some longhair out of Germany. The CIA will be putting a look-alike, or doppelganger, in there German’s place. So CIA gets the real guy, evil SD-6 gets the fake guy. If everything goes right, which it will not.

Building infiltrated, computer cracked, gas putting everyone in the building to sleep. Ironic, Germans getting ga….anyway. Everything went off without a hitch.

Hey, it’s that cop from Heroes! Hopefully he has a little more courage in this show. This show took place before Heroes. Maybe I can warn him about how Heroes will suck.

Snag. The fake German doesn’t know where some vaccine was made. And soon he will be dead. Sloan, evil SD-6 boss, thinks something is up wit the fake German and Syd. Uh oh. Snag snag snag. Don’t worry. Evil but not evil but evil but not evil double daddy broke fake’s arm and planted him with the location of the vaccine. A broken arm should solve everything. Defaulted on mortgage? Broken arm. Forgot your anniversary? Broken arm. Everything is square.

Time to sneak into the vaccine plant, fake steal something try to fake blow something up, then blow out of there. I could do that.

Spy woman running at top speed are pretty cool. Not as cool as Cary Grant running in a suit, but still cool.

Whoops! CIA and real vaccines blown up. Snag!

I have never seen Friday Night Lights before. Not the movie. Not the show. Plenty of people do seem to like it. So here comes a fair chance! Just kidding. I’m bound to be unnecessarily harsh.

The recap from last week? Someone jumped off a boat and then decided to not have surgery. This week, the coach (I can tell because he is wearing a hat) received a severely reduced paycheck.

Coach’s sister in law showed up. She is the evil woman from Nip/Tuck. Well, one of the evil women from Nip/Tuck. That show is absurdly stupid and fun to watch.

The coach’s name is Eric. I can relate to that, because my name is similar to his. We are like best friends.

Hmmm, I wonder what Friday night lights refer to. Probably alien abduction. Is this going to be like Roswell?

Some longhair got kicked off of the team. The football team. How do you tell someone they’re off the team? You clean out their locker all passive-aggressive like.

Aaron from 24! He and his TV son look a lot alike. That’s some damn fine casting there casting director whose name flashes by the screen in a matter of milliseconds.

Is the coach’s job to be grumpy all the time? Because I could totally be a coach then. I’d be, all, “you could have done better” and “where are my slippers!” Hey, where are my slippers?

Remember how confusing Heroes was this past week when I missed the first part of the season? I’ve never seen Friday Night Lights and can jump in with no hiccups. Bravo for being easily accessible, Friday Night Lights.

Wait, high school kids drink beer? Where have I been? I should go party with some high school kids. Nothing could go wrong there…thinking…thinking…how old were those kids in Superbad?

Tim, who was kicked off the team, was in Mexico for two weeks. Eric’s wife is a high school counselor. Everyone is nicely tied in to everyone else.

I’m totally not being unnecessarily harsh. I must be sick. I think Butter Burgers are the solution to my illness.

The characters are very real and grounded in this show. And you know what else? The situations are too. As far as I can tell. I never played much higher than little league. I tried soccer once, but that is way too much running for nothing.

I’ve never seen Rudy all the way through. Please don’t tell anyone. Especially men.

24 Aaron is a town cop. And his son went and murdered someone. Or got wrapped up in a murder. Or had a birthday party where someone was murdered. Or watched a murder on TV. Something to do with murder.

There is a bunch of relationship stuff going on that I’m not keeping track of. That’s okay. It runs a bit deeper than I can grasp from one episode.

Cop is torching son’s evidence laden car. That’s a bad cop and a good dad. I’d prefer the other way around. For that guy. Unless it were my dad. Also unless the bad cop got involved with organized crime and got the whole family killed. That would suck.

What’s smarter than drinking beer as a teenager? Drinking beer on school property. That’ll get you back on the team, Tim.

That wasn’t half bad. Good work on the quality there, Friday Night Lights. I may have to check you out in non-voted for capacities.

Bionic Woman is one of those shows I wouldn’t be watching if it weren’t for you, the voters. Will I thank you for the new experience, or track you all down for individual eyeball punches? I assume the later, but I’d like to be wrong.

This show, from what I gather, revolves around a woman who is bionic. I’d wager a guess that this bionic college student would rather be dancing at Coyote Ugly. I’m two minutes in, and think Bionic Girl would be a better title.

Keep in mind, I have no background in to these characters or plot. I don’t know why Albert Rosenthal is talking to the, assumedly, bionic girl.

Let’s explore the word “bionic,” shall we? It is the application of methods found in nature to technology. Maybe a little nanotechnology photosynthesis. That sounds like a terrible show.

Young college student gets taken into a super secret government agency? It’s nice that Alias is still on the air. Snap for me!

You may think I watch a lot of Alias. That would be a false assumption your part.

BJ, short for Bionic Girl(I know, I know), is in Paris working with the dreaded CIA to get something done. What did she find there? Terrible dialogue! And it isn’t the fault of the language barrier.

How do you find someone who might have changed their looks? Get yourselves a BJ! She’ll look into their eyes, which they apparently can’t change, and identify them. Oh, her name is Jamie. That BJ is less of a hilarious stretch now.

Back at college, BJ’s friend are something something nobody cares Gilmore Girls style relationship nonsense. I’m sorry, I trailed off a little there. Must be this waterboarding. I mean, television.

Hey, a laptop plastered with Ween stickers. This show must be secretly hip!

The eye recognition software only works if the person looks you directly in the eyes. Which is impossible with a BJ. I mean. Anyway. Um. This technology seems a bit limited. Also, it doesn’t help if it works as you’re walking into the trap.

BJ and partner are awkwardly falling in love while her college friends are…OMG! Did I doze off? What time is it? I need to get to work!

Spies probably argue a lot when they are outside a room where they’re trying to bust someone. It would be more acceptable if, you know, the dialogue were engaging.

I’m glad I can fast forward through commercials. That way I can skip the cast of Chuck telling me how to be green.

Will any of us be better off after watching this episode? Will flowers smell sweeter tomorrow? Will the sun shine brighter? Will we even tell our coworkers about it?

BJ is going back in to get her boyfriendish spy friend and this “list” with 8 million dollars. Which isn’t as much as it seems these days. Now Canadian dollars would be nice.

Remember BJ’s college friends? I guess she lives with her sister. Who is also in college? Oh no, I’m bored again. Please get back to this lame spy business so we can go home and see our kids.

Oh holy crap. Enough with the talking please! It is really hurting me a lot. The writers must have already been on strike when this was written. I know, that is impossible. But it makes my point.

Shejumpedreallyhighcanyoubelieveithowamazaing!

And that, my friends, is the BJ show. Oh, hold on. The words they are speaking is making my vomit in my pants. That can’t even happen! How did you do that, terrible television show? You owe me for my dry cleaning bill!

I enjoy House in the same way I like Cheerios. I know what I’m going to get, and I enjoy it. Sure, you can mix it up with the taste of nuts and honey. But it is still Cheerios. And that isn’t bad.

Biff Tannen is the pit chief or whatever you call them for a drag racer with issues. Is anyone home, McFly? It’s heatstroke! Of course, it is infinitely more complex.

This season, Dr. House is trying to hire a new crew. He is testing a whole classroom out. But that doesn’t matter nearly as much as what is wrong with the drag racer. No matter what crazy plot goes on between the classroom, you can still focus on the patient with the problem.

Coach Ben Fredricks is seriously worried about his daughter, but never you mind that. House is helping the CIA for some reason. Unmarked helicopters and everything. They are trying to figure out why a 180 pound man now looks like a zombie. They figure an assassination attempt. Zombies are, technically, the undead.

Back to the spawn of Tom Wilson, she can’t feel her legs. That will make driving cars more than a little difficult. I would set up a Rube Goldberg machine to drive the car. Lighting a candle would burn a string the brings a chestnut down in front of a squirrel in a wheel that turns on a light bulb which attracts and kills 10 ounces of bugs that sets off a scale which then turns the car right. Stepping on the gas is something way more complicated.

The race car driver has polio. There hasn’t been a case in the US for 20 years. And now there has been. Well, a fictional one. But that’s as good as real, right?

Both sets of doctors are trying experimental treatments. I imagine one will fail and the other will succeed. Actually, I’ll change that to both failing. High doses of vitamin C curing polio?

Looks like I was wrong. I still maintain that high doses of vitamin C is good for nothing. I’ll stick to my water that vibrates at healing frequencies, thank you very much.

Haha. I was right! She didn’t have polio. She was poisoned by the guy who wants to cure polio in undeveloped countries. He faked polio in her. Vitamin C, pfah. This vibrating water is so good.

Also, CIA doctor wants to join House’s team. There is a little more plot for you next episode.

When setting my DVR to tape Heroes, I accidently typed Herpes. My DVR did not tape Herpes.

This episode is called Out of Time. From the recap, it appears that our heroes need to save New York again. Did I forget to mention that I gave up on Heroes at the end of season one? Well, I did.

Aside from Hiro, I’ve forgotten everyone’s name. Maybe that isn’t entirely true. I remember some more names, but I forgot how to spell them. So I will describe the characters with bitter descriptions.

Doctor Voice Over is working for “the company” along with the terrible actress. Hiro is stuck back in time with Sting hating on him. The cheerleader is in some sort of trouble. Again. And the boring brothers are still alive.

Oh my goodness, I’m boring myself. Recap, consider yourself ended. Let’s move forward.

Someone is trying to kill someone.

Okay, maybe this moving forward isn’t working.

Jack Lemmon is coming to kill someone with glasses and a whiney voice. Morrie, not actually Jack Lemmon, is that cop’s father. You know, the cop with the self confidence issues?

Hold on, we got a little pube bone going on. Groin cleavage? Those lines pointing down to a man’s pee-pee area. You can thank my wife for the terminology.

So Hiro is in the past, Peter is in the future, and everyone else is stuck in the present. The horrible horrible present.

In the future, where Peter’s pube cleavage reigns, a virus has killed 98% of the population.

Hey, I have an idea. How about we get some more characters up in here? There are not enough plot lines going on. Please muddy the waters a bit more. If you can’t settle on a solid plotline, keep throwing them on the pile. Some of your spaghetti is sure to stick to the wall.

Peter has amnesia. That sounds nice right about now. One order, please. Heavy on the blunt trauma to the skull.

Claire, I remembered another name, is falling for a boy. They are kissing and listening to tunes on her sweet Samsung phone. Go out and buy it now, boys and girls, and you could be kissing things too.

Morrie is trying to kill Bob. Simple names! I like it. She also made the bad actress see her dead husband or baby daddy or whatever. Now she is set to kill Bob.

Hiro and Sting are fighting with swords. Sting is singing that terrible Grammy winning song. Okay, he isn’t. And he isn’t Sting. Then a tent exploded.

Morrie and his bumbling cop son Matt are having a fight in Morrie’s mind. It isn’t nearly as interesting as Psychonauts. You should play Psychonauts. It is brilliant, unlike a certain show I may or may not be watching right now.

Apologies if these thoughts have been a bit scattered. I’ve spent most of the evening wrestling with virus protection and system critical errors on my computer. And then I had to watch terrible television.

Peter has gone into the past, Hiro has gone into the future. I think they’ll both be in the present now.

Ali infected herself with a virus that will destroy mankind and hopefully her career. Now that Doctor needs to betray Claire for another plot twist.

Now Sting and Peter are getting together for who knows what reasons.

This episode of Heroes was a pile of plotlines puked out onto a Tilt-a-Whirl spinning around at high speeds.

For lack of better words, this show sure blows now.

Last time I watched Veronica Mars, I can to the realization that I dislike it. Ready to catch up? Let’s see. Piz and Veronica made out. Okay, I think I’m caught up with what I missed.

Paul Rudd is in this episode of Veronica Mars. It can’t be all bad. He plays the leader of a band who is coming in to play Hearst College in order to save the radio station. Then his something was stolen! Oh no! Something! That would be more dramatic if I was paying attention.

Tapes. Veronica needs to find backing tapes that someone stole from Paul Rudd. And while that is going on, Logan is setting up a business plan for a class. A creative website. Who has ideas like that?

Of course, his is called GradeMyAss.net. If only I had thought of that!

Paul Rudd is an anti-semite to boot. He can play such a fantastic sleezeball.

A drunken Paul Rudd is taking everyone skinny dipping now. This isn’t going to end well. Skinny dipping is a catalyst for mishaps. Or is a mishap in and of itself.

Veronica solved the mystery, but probably didn’t, because there are 25 minutes left. I can’t fault the show for that, because House does it all the time. Whoops. The mystery is solved. Maybe there’s another mystery around here somewhere.

Piz and Veronica didn’t get Paul Rudd’s tapes back to him on time, so he could find his own courage. Like the Wizard of OZ with more facial hair!

And Mac broke up with her boyfriend. And some other plot strings were left dangling like a broken tree branch in a lonely forest.

Lorelai is talking and talking and talking about Logan asking her for permission to ask Rory to marry him. I wonder what will happen in the final episode! Which is next week! Can you believe it? Finally!

Rory is graduating, and Paris is angry about something. Like usual. How can they not stretch out another ten seasons?

I am wearing stereo headphones and can really enjoy the stereo separation of the Gilmore Girls. It have annoying voices pumping into both ears!

How many shoes advertisements can they stuff in between this horrible spaces of this show?

Kirk is going to be sitting in a box this episode. Wacky Kirk. Insert you own euphamism here. And here.

They are going to put on a play about Rory’s life in Gilmore Girls? How can this not kill me? This sounds more lethal than poison. The lethal substance and the band. Which is also a lethal substance.

Rory’s grandparents are singing a parody of a Cole Porter song about Rory’s graduation. Now Logan is proposing to her. Rory didn’t know what to say. Probably because Logan didn’t get down on what knee. The fool!

Rory is all torn an emotional about the proposal. I would be too, if I were in the Gilmore Girls. But that is because the writers would keep stringing my character along for no good reason. It would be pre-destined.

And finally, Rory graduated and turned down Logan’s proposal. She likes life being wide open. Like her stupid mouth! Zing!

It has been a few months since I have seen the Gilmore Girls. Just when I thought this knife that was removed from my body was gone, it is plunged back into my weak flesh. Stop stabbing me!

How quickly will I able to catch up the plot I missed? One tw….good. There I am. I guess all the talking is just a cover for the lack of real movement.

Today’s plot? Chicken pox. I wonder if Saved by the Bell ever did a chicken pox plot. I could be wrong. Maybe it was Family Ties or Home Improvement.

Rory is opening letters for her roommate. That’s the other plot. Actually, Rory is opening acceptance letters for her grumpy friend. She keeps getting into schools, which makes her grumpier and grumpier. Funny, my mood is moving the same way.

The volume of commercial on the CW is on level with the show. This is the exact opposite of the SciFi channel, which will destroy your eardrums if you aren’t careful.

Lorelai isn’t wearing a helmet while biking, after she broke her car by being stupid. I would have less of a head if I didn’t wear my helmet. Wear a helmet, boys and girls. It’s cool to be safe!

Luke and Lorelai are becoming friends again, after she and her husband divorced. I assumed. It’s a pretty safe assumption, since I don’t see him around anywhere.

This just in, from the CW, silk dresses are in! Thank you, faux commercial!

Lorelai and Luke are looking for a car. They are both annoying each other, but are too polite to let it really show. Which causes them to talk very quickly about more than nothing. Sure, that sounds like par for the course, but it really is taken up an annoying notch.

And another notch! And another notch! It’s like a severe weather siren that doesn’t reach a peak.

When an actress says, “I’m only 22,” in a scene and invisible milk squirts out your nose, that’s too bad for the actress.

Oh no! Rory didn’t get her reporting fellowship! I am so sad now because of television!