Our first celebrity is none other than the internet’s favorite indie rapper son, MC Frontalot. To find out what MC Frontalot is all about, visit his website and listen to his library of MP3s. While you are there, make sure to check out his shirts and CDs. Internet people have to eat too, after all.

MC Frontalot really threw down the glove for all the other celebrities to come. Click here to read the schedule he has planned for me tonight. If I can make it through this evening without a brain hemorrhage, I’ll be sitting pretty.

Once again, many thanks to MC Frontalot for agreeing to be the first Celebrity Remote. And now, on with the torture.

We start out by switching between the 100 Most Shocking Moments in Rock & Roll and Shocking Behavior Caught on Tape, spending no more than three minutes on each show. Whoops, it looks like VH1 pulled a switcheroo, and we are now watching VH1 and Blender Present: 40 Hottest Rock Star Girlfriends and Wives. Hmmm, I think there has been some sort of mistake. I should have checked the schedule before I posted it. One second here. Oh, by the way, there are lots of big breasted women. That makes up the entire list.

To stay within the spirit of the MC Frontalot schedule, and since Shocking Behavior Caught on Tape isn’t on either, we’ll be switching between Ultimate Super Heroes, Vixens and Villains. Hey, there is Austin Powers. I wouldn’t say he was a super hero, would you? James Bond wasn’t a super hero. Isn’t it funny how Bravo is turning into VH1 slowly but surely? There is The Tick. That’s a super hero alright. Whoops, three minutes. Time to switch. Oh no, commercials on each station! What’s a simple boy to do?

Boy VH1 and MTV have a lot of commercials. Since I’m still waiting on VH1, it’s back to Bravo. Oh, hey, it’s Daredevil. The character that Ben Affleck ruined. Phhht, what would I know from ruined? I didn’t see the movie or read the comic book. Ooop, switch. There is someone named Bobbi who dated a bunch of rock stars, including Tommy Lee. Let’s see, what is her distinguishing feature? Oh, I see. Boobs. She is followed up by David Bowie’s wife, Iman. Hey, she has big hair? That’s a switch. Hey, time to switch!

Flash Gordon is being discussed. He does not have a large bosom. Hellboy doesn’t either. Ron Perlman does look like a monkey though. Doesn’t he? With that muzzle on him? He is followed by Spawn, another anti-hero from Hell. Switch!

Commercials again? Switch! Oh no! More commercials! I’m surrounded! In heroic fashion, Bravo makes it back from commercials first. There is the Hulk. Did you know that the Hulk used to change at sunset each day, not when he got angry?

Now we are back on course. It’s The Colbert Report. Is anyone else very excited about the Strangers with Candy movie coming out next month? You should be.

I wasn’t sure about this show when it first premiered. You need to realized the Stephen Colbert is playing a character, and then you will be good to go. Not like that terrible Taco Bell commercial. Good to go. Tee hee, that tech guy sure thought he was cool!

The Colbert Report is such a perfect mix of absurdist humor and political satire. You can make so many points with humor that would be so drab if it were put forth on a standard news program or editorial piece. Plus who doesn’t like to be entertained? The very old and those people who talk with clicks. That is all.

There was a fun little segment with Colbert fans on the street, doing their own filming and taking action against The Melting Pot fondue restaurant. It was pretty alright. I giggled a bit. I mean, laughed like a man laughs.

Colbert’s guest tonight is Robert Baer, a former CIA agent who inspired George Clooney’s character in that one movie I didn’t see. Baer is promoting a fictional novel that he wrote, because the CIA won’t let him write non-fiction. If it is fiction, he can put in is non-fiction items mixed with fiction, and our nation’s secrets are safe. Unless you own a telephone.

Now we are on to the 2005 World Series of Poker until someone is shown folding with a King or Ace in their hand. I would be switching to The Lost Boys after that happens, but it is not on. So I will have to switch to…let’s see, a movie, a movie…ahhh. The Last Cowboy is on the Hallmark station. The title is close to The Lost Boys, if you take out the C and W, move around the O, and add an S.

We see an Ace and 3 suited. We could see a fold in the first hand here. There is an Ace King off suite at the table as well. Oh, Ace and 3 folds. That was only three minutes! Come to me, The Last Cowboy.

The movie opened up at a funeral. Who was it for? I’m not sure, because I was watching poker for the first three minutes. I imagine it was a cowboy of some fashion.

The father, a cowboy, died and left the big ranch to his children. It is city slicker learns to appreciate her hard working ranch kin, and vice versa. I have a feeling someone will be seriously injured or die by the end of the movie. That will make them appreciate each other all the more.

The tough cowboy doesn’t want to call his sister, because he doesn’t know how to use a cell phone. Why, he is as tough as that horse that nobody could tame but him. Probably. I don’t know if there is such a horse in his heart. That sounds like a terrible disease. Horse heart.

Now the sister is back with a kid. A kid? Huh, eight years have passed. That was made obvious by nothing. Oh, and the kids’ father is no longer in the picture.

And it’s not a sister, it is the stern cowboy’s daughter. His father died, city slicker gal’s grandfather. I’m lost, just like those lost boys I can’t watch.

This show is most disturbing because time passes, and I can’t tell when or why. It’s like I keep slipping in and out of a coma.

There is a lot of soft piano playing as background music in this movie. That indicates feelings. There are more feelings than any cowboy movie should have. Half hour is up! Time to switch.

Due to the fact that I have watched and enjoyed every episode of The Office, per MC Frontalot’s instructions, I have to watch Friendship Set to Music. It is public access old people square dancing. Oh sweet baby version of the bigger Jesus!

The show is hosted by Ardus and Bob. In an odd contrast, my wife is watching So You Think You Can Dance hosted by Cat in the other room.

The show consists of a Casio keyboard, a square dance caller, and a surprisingly small room full of elderly folks. They tend to form little clusters of dancers. The whole thing looks like a mass of drunken amoebas going through mitosis. Pass your cytoplasm and do-see-do.

This is where we slow things down for a waltz. The caller takes on a different tone for this song, and sounds more like an instructional video for building a shed.

The TV is telling me that I am missing out, and I should join the fun. I can’t be sure what I’m seeing is actually real anymore.

If you want to see what I see, click here.

They stopped to show a picture of a tractor and tell a story about it. Now they are back to square dancing. Square dancing to Rockin’ Robin.

Everyone who isn’t very very old looks like a serial killer.

“This is chemical-free fun” states the television. I just don’t see all the meth addicts dropping their busy schedule of putting their fists through windows to square dance.

In between every dance, old people are coming up and remembering their favorite parades. I think I’m going to cry from laughter. Maybe my electrolytes are low and I can’t control my body anymore.

In MC Frontalot’s wishes, I will be watching It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia as extra credit. But I am going to turn off the camera and sit with my wife while doing so.

Thanks one more time to MC Frontalot for the fantastic TV he plotted out for me this evening. Nercore could rise up.

Take a look at the instructions he has given me, as the MC attacks my remote control with mad beats. Mad beats? That can’t be right. MC Frontalot isn’t wack enough to have mad beats.

Regardless, feast your eyes on his brilliant and evil schedule below.

7:00-7:30

You must flip incessantly between “100 Most Shocking Moments in Rock & Roll” on VH-1 (52) and “Shocking Behavior Caught on Tape” on The WB (23). In the future when every single person on earth is a rock star, these will be THE EXACT SAME SHOW. For now, compare and contrast. Do not spend more than three minutes at a stretch watching either show. Use an egg timer.

7:30-8:00

You have three options! Watch the second half hour of whichever of the “Shocking” shows was trashier OR watch last night’s Colbert on Comedy Central (50). But if you do that, you have to flip back to the “Shocking” shows during the commercials.

8:00-8:30

Watch some “World Series of Poker” on ESPN (64). The first time someone folds a hand with a King or an Ace in it, switch to “The Lost Boys” on Bravo (42). If you have switched just in time to hear the sax solo in the night party scene, my apologies. That is a terrible sax solo. If on the other hand you are just in time to see Kiefer Southerland play the old Chinese food switcharoo, congratulations. That is the best scene in the movie. After Michael drinks the Chateu D’Blood, switch to “Ten Commandments” on The History Channel (38) and watch that until the half hour is up.

8:30-9:00

You get to watch The Office on NBC (11). You’re welcome. I assume it’s a rerun, so if you’ve already blogged about this episode go ahead and watch “Friendship Set to Music” on channel 19. I don’t know what that is, but I bet you’ve never seen a whole episode of it before.

SPECIAL EXTRA CREDIT
9:00-9:30

Watch the season premiere of “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” on FX (48). The first season was the bestest thing on basic cable. So I have high hopes.