Kevin Murphy has a very good grasp on torture by media and self set goals. Kevin sat through some of the world’s worst movies while working on Mystery Science Theater 3000. If that were not enough, Kevin made it a goal to view a movie screening every single day for a year, as documented in A Year At The Movies.

Take a look at what Kevin Murphy has me watching this evening!

I feel like I am back in college as Kevin Murphy has me finding the influence of Akira Kurosawa in today’s modern programming. I will be watching Rashomon with special trips to other stations for some crime dramas.

Rashomon was released in 1950. From what I can tell, 1950 was before 2006. That means it is entirely possible for Kurosawa’s film to influence modern entertainment. If 2006 were before 1950, this would be a different story. And a different universe. A universe where stars are made from the dust of cereal that collects at the bottom of the box.

“I don’t understand. I just don’t understand,” are the first lines spoken in the film. I’ve always considered the first and last lines of any piece to be supremely important. Do these lines set up the attitude for the whole film? Look at me. I’m sound like a film major. However, I’m not wearing a French beret and getting high. If I were, the illusion would be complete.

It’s hard to make witty comments as I am reading subtitles. Speak English, please. It is the only language my ears are good at hearing.

The cinematography in this film is great. Even slowly walking through the woods feels like a grand adventure. Which is good, because there is a lot of woods walking.

The slow walker stumbled upon a body in the woods and ran away to tell someone. Just like the opening to every single crime drama. Kevin Murphy may be on to something here.

A bandit and murderer has been captured and is being questioned. This leads to a flashback.

For a quick five minutes, I flip on Spike TV for a glimpse of a CSI episode titled Dog Eat Dog. We enter at a flashback of a large man thinking back to a crime. Weird. The acceptance of flashbacks is a long and time honored tradition. Stories haven’t needed to progress in a strictly linear methods for some time.

In CSI, someone in police custody is being questioned. She had a flashback as well. In these days of rocket ships and video music, flashbacks don’t last very long. They are more like a hiccup. After a while, you don’t even notice the jarring harshness of the transitions.

And we’re back to Rashomon, where one of the spies from Spy vs. Spy is sitting by a stream. Or a lady with a big hat. I guess cartoons aren’t real. This “bandit” has some odd mood swings. One moment he is giggling like the Joker, the next he is pushing you around with a stern voice.

In the bandit’s tale, he has tied up Big Hat’s husband and led her too him…time to switch stations again. I’ll never know what’s going on in Rashomon.

Law & Order starts off with prisoner questioning. Everything is the same as everything else, except worse.

Quick now, the bandit and husband are dueling in Rashomon. The bandit is really messing with the husband, like a cat toying with a mouse. Or that old guy with the big glasses toying with interest rates.

The bandit isn’t even denying the murder. He is proud of it.

The inquisitor is off screen at all times, and we don’t even hear them. It is simply the responses from those answering. It is framed as if we were asking the questions.

The wife, who got away, told a different story to the court. We are the court. The judging eyes of the world. I think we are leaning towards the wife killing the husband, but I have to switch to CSI: Miami.

Wow, more questioning and flashbacks. I wonder what percentage of television is comprised of flashbacks. I’m going to guess somewhere between 99% and 1%.

Just as explosions are happening, we are on to NCIS. The lead characters are drinking fancy coffee and using fancy technology. Even with all of their gadgets and name brand drinks, murder happens. No signs of any flashbacks though. You broke a wonderful streak tonight, NCIS. For shame.

For a quick five minutes, it is back to Rashomon where the dead husband looks to be speaking through his wife. I don’t think I’ll be seeing that in any of the television shows tonight. The ghost is saying the wife wanted him killed. Wanted him killed before he was a ghost.

Kevin says Dog the Bounty Hunter is “perhaps the second most irrelevant show on TV.” I couldn’t agree more. This episodes starts off with Duane “Dog” Chapman’s shopping for a SUV. Remember how interesting simply walking through the woods was with Rashomon? Dog the Bounty Hunter is the exact opposite of everything I have watched so far tonight.

Finally, I get to finish Rashomon without any further interruptions. In this version of someone’s story, the bandit is begging the wife for forgiveness. I’d have to say that I believe the ghost so far. Mainly because I don’t want him to murder me in my sleep. Ghosts are good at that.

It is the wife’s turn to laugh like a maniac. In this version, both men have decided that they don’t want her. She calls them weak, and they fight to prove they are men. This is like a bar fight, except the peanut shells are actually the crisp leaves of the forest floor and the frat guys have swords.

The swords aren’t doing the frat boys any good. They don’t know how to fight. Whose version of events is this? I will imagine it is the dream of a clown in a coma until something proves me wrong.

Rashomon breaks down your spirit so that you have no faith in humanity, which is what Dog the Bounty Hunter, does. But unlike Dog the Bounty Hunter, it gives you hope and faith in the end.

In a final twist of contrast, I am to look at the South Park that centers around Butters. This is a look at the world of South Park through another character’s eyes, like the different stories in Rashomon. Heck, it even includes the recounting of a tale through Butters’ eyes. Kevin Murphy, you magnificent bastard. You knew exactly what you were doing tonight. Good work.

To finish out the evening, a taste of Yojimbo, another film by Akira Kurosawa. Kurosawa likes to write about down on their luck samurai looking for a purpose in life. I wish samurai were likes bears. When times get tough, they eat a lot of fatty foods and then sleep.

Wow, that’s one big fellow with one big hammer. I have a feeling that he doesn’t speak softly either.

As good as Akira Kurosawa is, I don’t know if I can spend four and a half hours watching him. Don’t worry, Kevin Murphy. I’ll Netflix Yojimbo and watch the rest at my leisure.

Many thanks again to Kevin Murphy for programming a splendid night of television for me. Unlike a normal evening of television, I hope you all learned something. Why not thank him by buying his book, A Year At The Movies? Don’t like reading? Fine. Check out the RiffTrax he did for Star Trek V with Mike Nelson.

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