This evening my television viewing was ham-handedly picked by actor, director, and screenwriter David Wain.

David Wain wrote and directed the cult favorite Wet Hot American Summer, helped MTV on its crusade to show less music videos with The State, and most recently co-starred, co-wrote, and co-caine. Sorry, I mean cocaine. Sorry, I mean co-directed Stella on Comedy Central last year.

In future news, Stella comes out on DVD September 12th, and David is currently working on a movie called The Ten, which he wrote and directed. It also allows him to get deliciously close to Jessica Alba. Did I say deliciously? I meant abstemiously close to Jessica Alba. Or, if you are a lady, Paul Rudd.

I highly recommend anything David Wain has done. Go out and buy it, see it, steal it, or cry yourself to sleep in its arms. Until that happens, I have some TV that needs watch!

The first order of business, as detailed by David Wain, is to watch Blue Collar TV while drinking a wine cooler. I have selected a Seagram’s Strawberry Lime Passion Passionate Kiss, the most girly wine cooler I could find.

Tonight’s theme on Blue Collar TV is violence. The first “sketch” was about Taser Tag, where a family tagged each other with tasers. Remember when zapping your family members was funny in the first season of The Simpsons? I do. The announcer for the fake commercial also made fart noises for no reason. That makes too much sense.

Larry the Cable Guy is now commenting on road construction. The crowd loves the material I have heard one thousand times before in one thousand different places. He was commenting on the “Slow” signs that construction workers carry around. He wonders if, perhaps, that is a commentary on themselves. Hahaha, what a witty observation! Every kid thinks up that joke, just about the same time they “invent” Communism.

There is a lot of getting hit in the nards on this show. It’s true, but I really just wanted to write “nards.”

This wine cooler is terrible! It complements the show perfectly.

I am confused by the large amount of applause that explodes throughout the show, for no reason at all. These audience members are really excited by mediocrity. It may be Stockholm syndrome. Who knows how long they have been stuck in the studio?

Colon Spring bottled water? Oh man, it is as if they have a magic pony that whispers hilarious ideas to them while they are sleeping in the temple of the gods.

With that horrible half hour behind us, here comes the second half of Countdown With Keith Olbermann on MSNBC.

I need a compass to find the magnetic north of this show. It is not a straight news program. It is not a VH1 style list program. It is not a comedy show. Or is it all of those things?

Keith spent a while on Rudy Giuliani, as some American’s polled said he should be the Republican nomination for President. His ex-wife is also writing a sex column that deals with such topics as hooking up with an ex for some sex.

Analyzing. Analyzing.

I see. This show has an amazingly dry sense of humor. There is no winking at the audience or pausing for laughter. The subtle humor is given in such a way that you won’t see it if you didn’t know to look for it.

This show is acceptable. I think I would need to perform some other activity while watching it. I don’t see myself sitting down and giving it my undivided attention.

Vladimir Putin kissed a five year old kid on his belly, because he wanted to touch him like a kitten. I’m okay with him kissing children on their belly as it makes me giggle like a kitten. I mean, child. A female child. I feel like a female human child who is not a kitten.

OLN, meaning Outdoor Life Network, brings us coverage of the Tour de France. I have watched and done a fair amount of cycling in my time. My cycling enthusiasm dropped after I flipped over my handlebars during the Chequamegon Fat Tire Festival. But boy, did I have myself some wide legs. That is what the ladies look for.

The cyclers are speeding down some mountains at 39 miles per hour in the fog. That is a bit dangerous. Is there a song about fog and danger? If not, there should be one that is educational in nature. Someone get on that, please. Someone else, get on a techno remix of that. Thanks so much.

One of the commentators for this coverage is named Bobke. I thought Aric with an “A” was pretty messed up. I don’t feel so bad anymore. Or perhaps that is the wine cooler’s effects. What have you done to me, Segram’s?

This is the first Tour de France since 1999 that doesn’t have a previous winner racing. The favorites from last year aren’t even racing. Meh, I’ll just cheer for the Americans. Problem solved.

To wrap the evening up, David wants me to watch So You Think You Can Dance. Instructions continue like this. “Please try to imitate the dance moves you see on TV. And dress for movement.” Here we go, lads and ladies. You finally get to see my bottom half. Dancing, at that!

Dancers like to pretend that they are having relations with each other on stage. It turns out the Pop dancing is watered down Hip-hop. So that was watered down pretending to hit it on stage.

Cat, the host of the show, looks like she is wearing a tampon applicator. That is not a very good look, especially if a 50 foot woman wanders by.

There you have it, my “moves.” My “moves” seem to include copying people performing cheesy dance moves to songs from Hairspray. It is a good thing I am already married. I no longer have to worry about impressing the ladies. Not that I had “moves” to being with. I could step from side to side like nothing you have ever seen.

Many thanks again to David Wain for agreeing to choose my TV for this evening. If you haven’t already, checkout his body of work. If you enjoy laughter, you will not be sorry. If you enjoy fantastically absurd humor, he is right up your alley.

Where have you heard that name before? Perhaps you caught The State when it was on MTV 13 years ago. Did you, by chance, see the wonderfully absurd movie, Wet Hot American Summer, which was written and directed by Wain? Then maybe, just maybe, you caught Stella on Comedy Central last year.

Seriously, you must have seen him in one of those places. Look, I’m telling you, you have seen him before. Quit arguing with me. We’re both working towards the same goal, this bickering will get us nowhere. We should just sit back and enjoy the scheduled that David picked out for me this Wednesday.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006 – exactly 24 years and one month since my bar mitzvah.

7 PM – BLUE COLLAR TV – WUCW (8) – This is great because it’s like, “you know you’re a redneck if…” and then all hell breaks loose from there. Please drink a wine cooler during this broadcast.

7:30 – 2nd half of Countdown with Keith Olberman MSNBC – he’s the best! Like Jon Stewart but a little more serious – and super smart – LOVE HIM.

8:00 – Tour De France (68) – Watch a half hour of the biking. These guys have hot legs. Pumping the pedals. Round the corners. Muscles wet with sweat. Oh dammit I just jacked my spoo. Oy.

8:30 – So You Think You Can Dance – (9) – 2nd half – the only part that really counts. Please try to imitate the dance moves you see on TV. And dress for movement. Bowel movement. Just kidding about the bowel part. But not the movement part.