Get ready for an evening where I make up my own plots to Spanish language telenovelas.

And, for Pete’s sake, buy Arthur’s album, I’ll Be Here Awake. It is one of my favorite albums, and I have listened to it no less than 50 times.

The evening starts with La Fea Más Bella. This is the Mexican version of the Columbian Betty la Fea. It might seem a little familiar because Ugly Betty, based on these two shows, starts in the US this week.

There seems to be an epidemic of giant glasses in Mexico. Maybe they have a surplus of lenses. Everyone has the problem now and again.

I think a fellow in a suit just said “Think fast!” Look at me, possibly learning Spanish maybe!

Pick up that damn phone! It’s been at least 50 rings! How long have they had the telephone in Mexico? They might be learning how it works. I can’t fault them for that.

The ugly Betty character is grocery shopping with an attractive man in a suit. The attractive women feel threatened, and thus start turning on each other. Ladies, ladies. Both of your skirts are the shortest.

I wish there were a few explosions in here. I have no trouble understanding explosions. Explosions are the universal language.

What I assume are Betty’s parents are trying to convince her that the attractive gentleman is not in love with her. Oh, it was a flashback. They are still in the grocery store. Maybe if they stopped yammering and did some shopping they could get something done.

The older gentlemen sound like they are eating a grumpy ferret every time they talk.

Wait a second, who wears a suit to the grocery store? Something isn’t right here.

They have Chile Lemon flavored Lays potato chips in Mexico! What a magical land of magical mystery!

Betty and suited gentleman almost kissed in the wine aisle, but the attractive girls made short work of that by talking loudly. Do people talk this much everywhere? I need to start paying more attention to people in everyday life. Perhaps I have learned something from this telenovela.

Done grocery shopping, Betty and the male make it back to his mansion. Jealous, the attractive women follow and spy on them. This show has taught me that it’s better to be ugly, as long as you can be in love with someone beautiful.

Attractive man’s sister, maybe, is making fun of Betty’s clothes. Wait, it was a day dream. That’s a terrible day dream. Actually, it is night. I’m not about to call it a night dream. Then it sounds like I should be institutionalized.

The older gentlemen have been counting beans the entire episode. The term “bean counter” came from this episode of La Fea Más Bella which was accidentally sent back in time.

Oh yeah. If you say “cool beans” on a regular basis, you and I will not get along.

Betty likes it when the attractive man talks like a dinosaur to her. She and I are not too different. I like it when attractive men talk to me like a dinosaur.

Are you an ugly character in a TV show? Then you need a weird laugh.

On to Barrera de Amor, which Babel Fish tells me means “barrier of love.” I think the siege of Helm’s Deep would have been over much quicker if they only used a barrier of love. Excuse me, please, while I call myself a nerd.

If your bookshelf has so few books on it that you need to arrange the books in an artistic manner, you need more books or less bookshelves.

In Barrera de Amor, it looks like the nuns and mafia are doing business. I guess it would be a drug cartel in Mexico, not the mafia. Penguins can’t get enough cocaine.

Oh no! The drug cartels controls the produce market! Blood oranges are taking on a whole new meaning.

Wow, the man with the mullet, large sideburns, and cane has a lot of chest hair. It has to be prominent if it stands out against his other visual oddities.

“Gracias. Adios.” I know both of those words! They mean “bottle cap” and “large hat,” respectively.

Somebody on this program has a collection of spurs. That seems like a weird thing to collect. No stranger than postage stamps, I guess. Or skulls. The Predator collected skulls.

It is hard to tell exactly what is going on in this show. The characters do spend a lot of time eating in different places. I can assume, from this, that famine isn’t part of the plot line.

The one blonde girl in this show has a chin like Jay Leno. That’s no good for anybody.

There are books everywhere! I get it. You’re trying to look intelligent. It isn’t working.

What a night. I have walked away from Univision a little bit wiser.

Thanks again to Arthur Yoria for picking tonight’s Celebrity Remote. If you haven’t purchased I’ll Be Here Awake while reading this blog, what is wrong with you? Get it now. And look for Arthur’s new album coming out in January of 2007.