My celebrity tonight is author, editor, screenwriter, and fellow glutton for punishment, A.J. Jacobs. Author of the fantastic book The Know-It-All : One Man’s Humble Quest to Become the Smartest Person in the World, A.J. forced himself to read the entire Encyclopedia Britannica from beginning to end.

As if that were not enough, A.J. is currently working on a book titled The Year of Living Biblically. It is about the year A.J. spent trying to abide by all the rules of the Bible, from the 10 Commandments to not shaving his beard to stoning adulterers. Peas in a pod, we are. Except I can shave and not throw rocks at people. Not that I do and don’t do either of those, in any particular order. What?

A.J. Jacobs is currently working on screenplays for both of these books, and is an editor at large for Esquire. He admits that the long title simply means he gets to sit at home in his underwear and work. I could be in my underwear right now! Have you even seen my bottom half?

Click here to read the schedule A.J. has planned for me tonight. It looks to be an evening full of education and cartoons. So let us being!

First up is Meerkat Manor. I originally thought it was meekrat, not meerkat. See, I am already learning something tonight! Meerkat Manor is a nature documentary about a meerkat family. The Whiskers, as our host calls them. Flower runs the household of 21 kids. Did you always think nature programs could be more like reality TV? Then your wish has finally come true!

Flower kicks any other breeding females out of the family. Sorry, I mean “evicts” them. Yes, they use the word “eviction.” If they say “you are the weakest link,” I’m personally going to murder every meerkat in the world. I’ll make the producers watch me murder them from all of their different camera angles too. You have been warned, workers of Animal Planet.

Did you know that a group of meerkats is called a “mob” or “gang?” That is one of the many facts that A.J. Jacobs learned while writing The Know-It-All : One Man’s Humble Quest to Become the Smartest Person in the World. Who knew that, one day, that fact would come in handy as some weirdo approached him to choose his TV schedule.

I may sound a bit like a girl, but meerkats are adorable when they run.

Two Whisker men are looking to score with the ladies from another mob. This feels like a summer camp movie.

One of Flower’s young sons, Mitch, stole food from a pup with less royal blood in him. This is normal behavior, and no one looks to stop him. Oh no, but Mitch got sick! That is what happens when you steal and eat a scorpion! Or just eat a scorpion without stealing it. Why would you eat a scorpion? Unless it were a dare! Or, worse yet, a double dare! I misjudged you, Mitch.

Flower just gave birth to another litter. The new pups will stay underground for three weeks.

Meerkats are greedy jerks. There is food being stolen left and right. My sandwich has been stolen from the fridge at work a couple of times. I bet is was meerkats! How did that open that fridge? With cuteness?

Next up on the docket, we have Philosophy: A Guide to Happiness and its episode, “Nietzsche on Hardship.” Nietzsche believed that all hardships should be welcomed, so they could be overcome. Nietzsche also put a lot of value on the tops of mountains. Freud would have said it was because they reminded him of his mother’s breasts. I assume. That is not a fact. Any “facts” your read on Make Me Watch TV should be double and triple checked before passing them on to your friends and family. Then, you are more than welcome to talk about your mother’s breasts.

Nietzsche had a giant mustache that looked like a waterfall spilling over his lips. That seems like an unnecessary hardship. However, I am not one to talk. Please stop voting for 7th Heaven.

Dying alone at the age of 56 in an insane asylum, I’m not sure how much I can trust Nietzsche and his thoughts on overcoming hardship.

The host is talking to a “ballerinar” about hardship. I have a feeling that the host has his own speech hardship to overcome. That is a cheap shot, but this program is poorly put together. I really don’t care. It is certainly not providing me a with guide to happiness.

The host just used a comparison in which a flower grows out of ugly roots. I have never heard the roots of a plant described as ugly. That is a bit of a stretch. Silly Putty can’t even stretch that far without breaking in two.

Nietzsche compared Christianity to alcohol, as both dulled the pain you should be learning to overcome. That is a rather interesting concept. I don’t do too well when learning about vast philosophical concepts. For instance, it was a large mistake to read both The Stranger and Breakfast of Champions in a four day period. That will make your head spin like a toy top on a garbage can lid being balanced by a clown jumping on a trampoline in the belly of a whale being thrown into space.

The first half of Quest for Atlantis: Startling New Secrets on the SciFi channel is up next. I am pretty sure I will not be startled by secrets, but I have been wrong before.

The search for Atlantis starts on a boat called the Dolphin Dream in the Bahamas, while a second expedition searches for the ruins half a world away near Cyprus. I can never cheer for anything called the Dolphin Dream. That sounds like a terrible dolphin/orange flavored popsicle.

The lead researchers on the Dolphin Dream believe they were Atlantians in former lives. You just keep racking up the strikes against you, team Dolphin Dream.

The story of Atlantis came from Plato who heard it from the founder of democracy who heard it from an Egyptian priest. Plato stated that Atlantis existed 9000 years before his time. The people of Atlantis were superior in every way, and were bent on world domination. The only people that could defeat them were the ancient Athenians, Plato’s ancestors. After the people of Atlantis were defeated, the gods smote them with earthquakes and tsunamis. That doesn’t make any sense! Who would believe that? Who would spend their life looking for a fake city? Are we 6 years old?

There is place for mystery and fantasy. There is also a place where you take off your cape and get a real job.

The Nazis believed Atlantis was the homeland of the superior race. Do you need any more reasons to believe that Atlantis is a silly myth? Then you must be a Nazi sympathizer. No, don’t try and defend your beliefs. I don’t want to hear your hateful rhetoric.

To finish up a night of learning, I turn my eyes to Camp Lazlo on the Cartoon Network. It is a cartoon about animals at summer camp. Has Ernest already done it? Then simply make the characters animals and continue ahead, young TV producers!

In this episode, the scout camp is putting on a play called “7 Deadly Sandwiches” about the things in the forest you should not eat. I already know the answer to that! If it can’t move on its own accord, then don’t eat it. Meaning anything that is shucking and jiving is perfectly acceptable to consume. The bigger, the tastier.

I am going to find something good to say about this cartoon before it is over. So far, it has been nothing but horrible. Hopefully, at least one line will make me giggle. Twitter, even.

Still waiting for something funny. I’ll make sure to get back to you as soon as something gets my guts jumping.

Nope, sorry. It is over, and there wasn’t anything funny. Is a cartoon still a cartoon if it isn’t funny?

Overall, it was a pretty fun night of TV viewing! Thank you, A.J. Jacobs, for picking a fine selection of shows that I have never experienced before. If you didn’t heard me before, go check out his book, The Know-It-All : One Man’s Humble Quest to Become the Smartest Person in the World.

A.J. was also a writer for Entertainment Weekly and is currently an editor at large for Esquire.

Why are you still reading this blog and not reading The Know-It-All already? You had better hurry up, there will be a quiz on Friday.

Here, for your pleasure, is A.J. Jacobs’ Friday night Celebrity Remote:

I’m apologize in advance for this. But I thought I’d put you through an intellectually rigorous night of TV watching. Because, well, I suffered for a year reading the encyclopedia. Time to make someone else suffer.

At 7 p.m., go to channel 34, Animal Planet. You’ll be watching an episode of Meerkat Manor entitled “Boys Will Be Boys.”To prepare
yourself, you should know that a group of meerkats is called a “mob” or a “gang,” which gives them a lot of street cred among their fellow small mammals.

Next, channel 17 at 7:30, where PBS is airing a half-hour show called “Nietzsche on Hardship.” Personally, I think reading Nietzsche is itself a hardship. In college, there was a guy in my Nietzsche seminar raised his hand and said, “If I listen to one more minute of this, I’m going to go crazy,” then promptly stood up, walked to the back of the class, and jumped out the window. It was a ground floor window. But still. It was memorable.

At 8:00, turn your TV set to channel 49, the Sci-Fi Channel, where you’ll see a documentary called Quest for Atlantis: Startling New Secrets.You’ll learn about new “scientific” evidence that supports the existence of the mythical lost city. Personally, when it comes to lost civilizations, I prefer Lemuria, the supposed precursor to modern-day Madagascar. One of its “discoverers” was Madame Blavatsky, an occultist who appears to be the L. Ron Hubbard of her day. She said the island was inhabited by spiritually clean hermaphrodites who later angered the gods by engaging in bestiality. Just so you know.

And finally, for a cerebral cooling-off period, try Camp Lazlo on the Cartoon Network. Here, the campers “vie for the lead role in a play about poisonous sandwiches.” I might add that Jack the Ripper used poison grapes to murder a prostitute whom he then disembowelled. You won’t find that on the Cartoon Network.