Are You Smarter Than a 5th? should actually be called Are You Exactly as Smart as a 5th? I am nitpicking, but the questions don’t go above the 5th grade level.

Did you know that Jeff Foxworthy gets on my nerves? I wouldn’t trust anyone with that mustache around my kids.

This show combines everything that is wrong with everything. 95% of the show is stalling. Adults are “shown up” by children. Jeff Foxworthy talks. It’s no good.

Who the hell cares when Columbus Day is? Do you know how I find out? I go to the bank, and go “Oh, duh. It’s Columbus Day.” Then I go home, to forget until next year. That is knowledge that I don’t need.

It is funny to see adults celebrate after answering simple questions correctly. For, example, did you know that the Sun is the closest star to the Earth? Of course you did.

Now, I’m not saying this is necessary information in my brain. But of course Canada has a larger border than Mexico. Stupid adult. Have you never seen a globe? By the age of two months, everyone on Earth has seen a globe. You have no excuse.

This show is not fun. It is frustrating. I don’t want to laugh at these contestant for failing. I want to shake them until their empty head comes right off. Someone who doesn’t know what a trapezoid is doesn’t deserve $100,000. Also, if you call a Library a “Liberry,” you will be executed immediately.

Tonight’s comments will be slightly delayed, as I am watching these shows on Tivo. Tivo, the company that once was awesome but now rips you off with their subscription fees. But here is American Idol coming at you! Oh no! You had best watch out!

It is time to watch fifteen minutes of singing and an hour and fifteen minutes of filler. It remaining ten girls will sing tonight, dedicating each of their songs to somebody special.

Flash of red hair girl is dedicating this song to her boyfriend. If I were him, I would reject the package. It sounds like a bomb. The judges don’t really agree with me. Which goes to show that everyone is wrong but me.

Alania is next, dedicating her forced attempt at singing to her mother. The judges agree with me! If I say that everyone is terrible, the judges will agree with me more often than not.

LaKisha is next. And her name is LaKisha. She was named that by her mother, but it is her grandmother that this song is dedicated to. Probably because her grandmother didn’t name her LaKisha. Randy says it was “hot.” Oh, Randy Jackson. You need to expand your adjective vocabulary. At least make up some new slang for us. Except for “good looking out.” That is just rubbish.

Doolittle, the short backup singer with squat shoulder, is dedicating her song to her close friend. I like this tiny gal. Her voice and humility are nice. She has fantastic range and control. The highs are effortless and the lows don’t sound strained. Go, little woman, go!

Antonella, whose naughty pictures have been showing up on the internet, sings next. She will be terrible. I haven’t even heard her tonight and I know it. And…I’m right. Without a doubt, she will again be the week’s Vote for the Worst.

Jordin dedicates this performance to her brother. My verdict? Let me see, where is that thesaurus? Ahhh, here we go. Monstrous. That seems a little strong. We’ll just go with “not so good.”

Stephanie dedicates her song to the people who created her out of egg and sperm. It’s a really weird performance. The intention of the performance is to confuse us, I think. If we say it’s bad, we just didn’t get it. Well, I didn’t get it. And it was bad.

Leslie dedicates this song to her late Grandpa Bob. Does she dedicate her short skirt to Grandpa Bob too? It wasn’t going terribly, until she tried to skat. It sounded like literal skat.

Haley sends this song out to her fiance. Her “dancing” is Riverdance mixed with a seizure, topped with the last flailing motions of a drowning woman.

Sabrina ends the night. She has Paula standing up a bopping in place, but that doesn’t mean anything anymore. She’d get up on her feet for a half tab of Percocet.

There you have the girls. Go Doolittle! And vote for Antonella. She is frightful.

I’m sick, ladies and germs. I even stayed home from work, which hasn’t been needed in a long time. So, no TV tonight. That’s right. I’ve called you cable providers and they have shut off your television.

Hey! What the… You voted for Monk instead of something terrible. Are you feeling okay? Maybe you should lay down.

Sir, your first mistake was to walk down a dark alley at night. Your next mistake was to have a plastic bag placed over your head. I must point out to you the poisoning, stabbing, shooting, and running over of you that followed is also not a good idea. Yours truly, Aric.

Oh Monk, you don’t know how to use cellphones. It is you versus the shiny van full of FBI detectives full of gadgets. You beat out the men and their machines, John Henry. You beat them out!

Monk is learning to use a computer. Doesn’t he know that computers are about the filthiest things in the universe? I can’t even imagine how many germs I picked up just by writing that last sentence.

Monk is using the CD drive as a cup holder. Oddly enough, I was thinking about that myth today in the car. Coincidences!

40 minutes into the show they mentioned John Henry. At least they know what they are referencing.

Technology loses and Monk wins! But you knew that was going to happen. At least it was quirky and fun while happening. Much less frustrating than Trading Spouses.

Have a nice weekend, boys and girls!

30 Rock is on again. I suppose we should watch.

It is contract renegotiation time for Josh, and Jack is very pleased. And Tracy made out on a 419 scam.

Ahhhh, I have already laughed. Already this episode is funnier than your standard episode of The Simpsons.

Kenny has just joined Tracy’s entourage. Why was he asked to join? Because he and Tracy could harmonize. Delightful. But then he beat Tracy at Halo. Man, I should play some Halo.

Fun and goofy. I laughed more than at Scrubs and My Name Is Earl combined tonight. Not that it can hold a candle to The Office. But look at me. I’m a broken record.

Scrubs is here to bring wacky, funny, and oddly serious at times.

JD has been living in a tent for the last two episodes. Probably more.

Elliott has her boyfriend move in. So it’s time for the standard “women be different from men” fair. No coaster? Tee hee. I can so relate.

Turk broke his arm and is busted back down to being a hospital resident. Ummm, JD is helping a guy with brain damage who needs physical therapy. JD is scared of girls. Let’s see, janitor is growing facial hair. Do you need some more plot for a half hour? I hope not.

Did you know the Ghost Rider was the number one movie in America last weekend? And the week before it was Norbit? It’s like a big storm of terrible giving the Oscars the finger.

Rubber pants? Check. Time to watch The Office.

J.J. Abrams, of Lost, Alias, and What About Brian? fame, is directing this episode. That means it should be long and confusing. Haha, yeah. I went with the obvious joke that a five year old could have thought of.

Uncomfortable points to cause drama and humor for the episode? Michael and Jan go to a work party as boyfriend and girlfriend. Roy and Pam are already hitting rough waters after getting back together last week.

The framework is there. Nothing left to do but place the bricks. The hilarious bricks.

Oh! My! God! Pam just told Roy that Jim had kissed her. Then he and his brother went crazy and wrecked up the bar. Seriously! I totally did not image that happening, considering how nice Roy has been this season. It was a fantastic shock!

My Name Is Earl is a television show. Television is a magic box that shows you pictures is you look at it close enough. Don’t blink too rapidly at it. You’ll get dizzy.

Jamie Pressly is pregnant. In real life. So the last two episodes have featured her being pregnant. Do you imagine that writers hate writing pregnancy into scripts?

This is a flashback episode. We get taken back to the other times that Joy was pregnant. I don’t think Earl’s karma list existed in the past. Not the distant past, at least.

Earl’s baby came out of different color than him. He decided to move back in with his parents. Which doesn’t last long.

Aside from a couple of laughs, I have been pretty bored. Earl’s dad is throwing gerbils out of a window. That’s okay. Don’t worry, they didn’t get hurt.

I kind of got hurt a little. Isn’t sweeps supposed to be the best of the best? I see none of these things going on with Earl.