It’s the Golden Globe Awards. Do you know what is worse than bad TV shows? Bad TV shows winning awards on TV. It’s like that snake eating its own tail. It has a name, but I don’t know it off the top of my head.

Clooney just came out with an award for Jennifer Hudson. I almost got whiplash. It’s only three minutes into the show! Now this is how you run an awards show. Take note, everybody else.

I’m taking a drink ever time someone thanks God, by the way. Thanks for nothing, Jennifer Hudson

Sexy Back is giving song awards. Prince wins for a song from Happy Feet. I predict a penguins sweep. Oh no! Prince didn’t show up, and didn’t tell anyone. So Timberlake made himself shorter and accepted the award on Prince’s behalf. Very nice. I approve of those shenanigans.

Lorraine Nicholson just became Miss Golden Globe. What? That’s not a thing, is it?

Supporting Actor in a TV show, I think, is up now. Jeremy Irons won. I can only think of The Simpsons when I hear his name. Someone had better thank God soon. I’m getting thirsty.

Best actress in a television drama goes to Kyra Sedgwick from something. The Closer, maybe. Every award has gone to someone I don’t watch on TV. By choice or by force.

Cate Blanchett has a face like a naked mole rat. Anyone with me on that?

P. Diddy does an infomercial for acne medicine. You lose all your street cred for that. You also have to turn in your “bling-bling” which I refer to as “Sky Mall.”

Emily Blunt won a supporting actress role for film or TV show or some weird category. These categories freak me out.

The whole cast of Heroes is on stage to give out the best actor in a TV drama. Go Hugh Laurie! Wait, he won’t thank God. And I’m thirsty. No matter. He won. So it’s good and bad. Good in the long run. Bad for thirst. And he’s speaking with his accent! That’s charming.

Steve Carell is presenting for a new category, best animated feature film. That’s more the Golden Globes being lazy. Like discovering the Earth is round. Of course it’s round. Atlas carried a globe, for Pete’s sake. Cars wins. Yawn.

Best actress for musical, comedy, or something-something is next. And the winner is Meryl Streep. The first time I ever heard of her was in a Weird Al song. That dates me a bit.

Ben Stiller is everywhere, and that includes presenting at the Golden Globes.

Best mini-series or TV movie. I nominate all the movies on the SciFi network! Boo! Frankenfish was robbed!

Best supporting actor in a motion picture goes to Eddie Murphy for The Adventures of Pluto Nash. Good work, Eddie Murphy! I guess you sure proved that you don’t like picking up transsexuals and “driving them home.”

Eddie said, “God bless.” I’m counting it.

Sarah Jessica Parker’s face has gotten longer with age.

Best actor in mini-series or blah blah blah. Whoops. I tuned out after they said “mini-series.”

It’s time for the Best Screenplay. The Queen wins, whatever that is. The winner was forced to get off because nobody cares about script writers. And he was getting political.

Best actor in a TV series comedy. Go Steve Carell! Again! Oh, Alec Baldwin. That’s okay-ish.

It’s really weird how Gina Davis persists. You think she’d go away, but she never does. Oh, by the way. It’s best comedy series time. As my shirt promotes, I’m pulling for The Office. Ugly Betty? Burn in hell, if it existed!

Best foreign language film? Pass.

Drew Barrymore and Hugh Grant are presenting original scores. Musical scores, not box office take.

Best actress in a musical or comedy. I don’t care anymore. I don’t care about any of these awards. But even through my lack of caring, America Ferrara for Ugly Betty. I think people think that show is better than it is.

Quit talking about how Ugly Betty is so new and original. It’s been done two or three times already. I don’t mean a similar type of show. I mean that exact show. Get over it. Please.

Warren Betty wins a lifetime achievement award, and with that, my two hour obligation is over! Time to watch 24!