Do you live in central Minnesota? Then you should come out to Fearless Filmmakers screenings today. The theme this time is The Viral Market. And I might have be in five seconds of one of them. You know, if they kept that part in. I have no idea.

Where: The Oak Street Cinema
309 Oak Street SE
Minneapolis MN 55414
612 331 3134

When: Wednesday January 31st, 7:30 PM

How much: $9 General Admission
$7 Students
$5 Mn Film Arts Members
Tickets will go onsale at 6:30 PM ONLY on January 31st. NO PRE- SALE!

House is stuck doing clinic duty and testing for STDs. Then a crazy man grabbed his head and started running around the lobby. Unless his head really does hurt. Then he isn’t crazy. Just right.

Crazy man had a cockroach in his ear. It was biting him. Maybe it was a zombie cockroach! It wanted brains!

Oddly enough, House doesn’t have a case yet. Clinic duty is the case this episode. This is a fine departure from the standard formula. We get to dive a little more deeply into House’s brain.

There are a couple of patients. House is dealing with a rape victim who wants to be seen only by House. Cameron is treating a homeless man with an inoperable tumor. Now that House isn’t under investigation by the police, they must need a new sub plot.

The raped girl just wants to talk. Life is just a series of rooms, or something like that. And who you get stuck in those rooms with is what matters.

And now House has to tell her that she’s pregnant.

If there are no answers, why talk about it? House is so right and so wrong. He likes facts, but not personal conversation.

Now they’re talking about God and not God. This is pretty heavy for a Tuesday. And so far away from funny Thursday.

AI is in AL tonight. We’re going to hear a lot of crappy country. CC as I call it for short. But the “crap” sound really cuts to the heart of the feeling.

I love when people keep singing after they were told no. If you believe in ghosts, there is your proof that people don’t move on in the face of overwhelming proof.

If I can’t tell where your boobies stop and your stomach starts, you have some issues that need to be taken care of.

Wacky outfits don’t work. Lying about your age doesn’t work either. Unless you’re a 29 year old posing as a middle school student.

Usually I don’t like sob stories. But this girl helps her grandmother take care of her paralyzed father. How did her father get paralyzed? He shot himself in the neck. After he shot his wife who was cheating on him. That’s some clean country living.

Paula had to go back to Hollywood for the second day of auditions on a family issue. She has to spend some time with her uncle, Jack Daniels.

Like a Virgin might me my favorite horribly done song. When it is screwed up really bad, it’s something special.

Last week, Two and a Half Men beat Heroes in Nielsen ratings. Heroes beat 24 in the ratings. How can this possible be?

When last we saw Jack, he was suffocating his evil brother with a plastic bag to get information. Just another Thanksgiving for the Bauers.

There is a lot of talk about civil liberties this season. Civil liberties are a good thing. You should get yourself some.

Bauer’s brother is talking now. But can we believe anything he says? He did want to start a war last season. Right? Wasn’t that his deal? We all have those ideas, but we never act on them. Buy steel at a low price. Start a war. Profit like a those cartoon cats wearing suits and top hats.

Poor creepy looking Milo. He meets with nothing but attitude from his underlings. Maybe if he wasn’t so creepy. Or tall. Or maybe if he just shaved that dirt off his face.

Karen Hayes is being blackmailed by evil Tom “I Hate Civil Liberties” Something. Something isn’t really his last name. I mean, it is something, but it isn’t Something.

Karen just quit. She is giving the President a speech about the magic being in him all along.

President Palmer’s sister’s boyfriend was just beat up something fierce. He shouldn’t be stealing cell phones from people in volatile situations. I mean, it wasn’t even a RAZR.

Jack’s dad’s thugs just dropped Jack. There is a lot of third party action going on here. Then evil brother took Jack and Papa Jack hostage. And Jack’s van full of backup has been shot. Looks like this is the end, boys and girls. The end of 24.

My Super Sweet 16 is about spoiled brats getting their way. The people who watch this show for pleasure also like to put bags over their heads while doing the nasty. For pleasure.

Stephanie is our “sexy mama” from South Beach. She has a Versace crown, purchased by her mother. The more I type, the angrier I get.

Why do little people have a hard time being taken seriously? Because you can hire them to break dance at your party.

I blame their parents. Can’t they just take her out for ice cream on her sweet 16? She doesn’t need fire jugglers and pictures out of a Lisa Frank Trapper Keeper.

It is hard to gage how terrible this show is. It would be hilarious if it wasn’t real. Would I rather watch The Class than this? That is hard to gage as well.

It’s hard to believe that Stephanie doesn’t have a boyfriend. Who wouldn’t want baggage like this?

How I Met Your Mother is a repeat. And I think I’ve seen it. Phallic building? Yep, seen it. Dang. Weren’t all TV shows just on a month long break?

Ted and Robin had their first fight. Ted is goaded into using his architect status (architect status?) to pick up the ladies now. His lady, who got snippy with him about listening to his work stories, is now worried that he will fall into the arms of another temptress. And funny things are said. That’s TV for you.

Ahhhh, brilliant. Ted did go out to work, and all the flashbacks were actually Barney pretending to be “Ted Mosby, Architect.” That’s some good writing. Remember when I said “that’s TV for you?” They sure showed me. You can stuff my mouth with honey and cement, leaving it to dry in the Grecian sun.

Little Beauties: Ultimate Kiddie Queen Showdown is all about child stars and child star families. Oh wait, this is VH1 News Presents: Child Star Parents Exposed. You lied to me, TV Guide! I do have a feeling that Little Beauties: Ultimate Kiddie Queen Showdown would have been a bit freaky for me. Child beauty contests are scary.

Did you know there was a VH1 News department? It must be hard being in charge of so much fluff. A slight breeze could blow it all away.

Lindsay Lohan had a terrible papa. Hillary Duff has a controlling mother. Joe Jackson rode his children’s fame all the way to LA. Macaulay Culkin’s dad sucked. This is hard hitting news, people!

I feel like I’m drowning in a pool of tabloids. Spears. Simpson. Shields. If you have a last name that starts with S, you are screwed.

Take a breath, VH1! We don’t need this much information this fast. And chew your food a few times before you swallow.

I’m really sick of this show. It’s poison disguised as a sugary treat.

I would have preferred One Tree Hill over this. And that’s saying something.

I haven’t seen 1 vs 100 for a few months. I have this thing about one hour game shows wasting my time. But I don’t hate 1 vs 100 like I hate opening random suitcases.

How can I comment on this show? I can call people idiots when they miss easy questions. I can make fun of the hyperhidrosis of the contestants. I can tell you if someone won or lost. But you don’t want to know any of this.

I wonder if I could write some 1 vs 100 fan fiction. It would be a first, that is for sure.

Death in the Bleachers
A 1 vs 100 fan fiction by Aric McKeown

The large hunting knife slipped swiftly from the oddly small hands of Bob Saget. It hit the floor with a loud metal crash, echoing off the far walls of the empty and seemingly boundless studio. There were no cheers or jeers to accompany the most dramatic ever to take place on the set of 1 vs 100.

A torrent of blood spilled down the bleachers where the Mob members had taken their places time after time. Laying dead in the shadow of the 6′4″ host was none other than Adolf Hitler. The former star of Full House and the most hated man in history had met once before. These foes had been locked in battle as they, along with Hitler’s corn cob time machine, had plummeted over Niagara Falls.

The blood flowed cold from Hilter’s limp body. The effects of time travel had obviously unusual effects on an already twisted body and mind. The reptilian blood of the time traveling dictator was not match enough for Bob Saget’s hunting knife, which had been bestowed upon him by the world’s secret Pope.

There were no tears for Hitler. Eva Braun had been dead for nearly 62 years, having refused to take part in Adolf’s time traveling shenanigans.

Bob Saget wiped the violet blood from his face with his perfectly clean tie. He knew what he must do. There was only one way to make sure to that Hilter was dead. It was time to explode 1 vs 100 hidden nuclear device.