It’s the holiday season and I have been watching TV by force for almost a year. And thus I have earned myself a week of vacation. TV stinks over the holidays anyway.

I’ll be back watching TV on January 2nd, 2007. Voting will be back up again slightly before that. Until then, have a happy and safe holiday. I’ll see you soon.

Oh yeah, and I’ll be working on this over the break, so don’t think I’m lazing about. Well, I’ll be lazing about a bit. Playing video games and what not. But the productive bits will be filled with The Mustache Rangers.

Tah!

It’s time for part two of the Doctor Who season two finale. We have Cybermen controlling the Earth and Darleks coming out of a void egg. You know, if you’re too lazy to read to post just below this one.

The Cybermen didn’t know that the Darleks were inside the magic floaty egg. They’re going to be surprised. If Cybermen can feel surprised.

The destruction of the world makes me hungry for a cupcake. Hold on for a second.

Cupcake in tummy, the Darleks are stealing brainwaves with toilet plungers. I’ll never plug the toilet up with brainwaves again.

The Cybermen and Darleks are having a little Dueling Banjos sort of conversation. They both wanted the other to identify themselves first. Speaking in the third person kind of messed that up.

The Darleks did admit that the Cybermen were superior. Superior at dying! Awww snap! The Darleks totally dissed the Cybermen!

There is some Darlek shaped case called the Genesis Ark that the Darleks are determined to protect. I wonder how many cubits in length it is.

The Ark is all that was left of the Time Lord’s planet. Gallifrey is their home planet, from what the first season DVDs have taught me.

The alternate reality Torchwood is popping through from one universe to the other. Really, tearing more holes in the fabric of time. They are like moths with a British accent.

These last four remaining Darleks are a separate sect. They even have names.

Doh. In the flurry to escape, Mickey the Idiot touched the Genesis Ark opening it up for the Darleks. There’s the Mickey we all know.

Jackie and alternate reality hubby have just met up. Heartfelt conversation and hugs will soon make way for Darlek terror.

The Genesis Ark contained millions of trapped Darleks. So millions of Darleks versus millions of Cybermen. That’s even better than Zombies Vs. Ambulances.

The Doctor explained some mumbly jumbly. Basically, he’s sending the Darleks and Cybermen to hell. Rose almost fell into hell, but her dead father from another universe jumped through and caught her and brought her back. The breach in time and space is sealed, with the Doctor on one side and Rose on the other. Things could have been worse. Like being sucked into hell with millions of Darleks and Cybermen.

With a tiny little gap left open, the Doctor was able to pull enough power from orbiting a supernova to send an image to say goodbye. Rose is officially dead back home in our universe. Thus that is how she “dies.”

Heartfelt goodbyes. The Doctor cries. The supernova’s energy runs out. And now there is a bride inside the Tardis somehow. The new companion? We’ll see when this show stars backs up again. Dang BBC and their short seasons.

It’s the Doctor Who season finale. Well, part one of the finale. And it starts off with Rose narrating how she died. How can you narrate something when you’re dead? Unless you’re Marlon Brando. It seems like he could do just about anything post mortem.

Jackie just told Rose that her dead grandfather is coming for a visit. And that he did. Him and the army of ghosts. It’s that damn Torchwood Institute stirring thing us. Torchwood and their ambiguous giant lever. I need to have one of those installed.

Awesome! Like a weather report, there is a ghost report on the television. The humans have gotten over it. In fact, they have embraced it as part of their culture. The Japanese have really gone gangbusters for the ghosts.

Torchwood also has a giant hovering sphere in their basement. A sphere of mystery. I hope it isn’t as boring as Michael Crichton’s Sphere. No, wait. That was the good one. The Andromeda Strain blew.

Snog! Oh how I love British slang.

Hey, look! Cybermen! Cybermen equal trouble. Ghosts equal trouble. So what do Cybermen plus ghosts equal? Or maybe we should multiply the two. Although ghosts may equal zero. In which multiplying the two together would equal zero. So let us stick with addition. So Cybermen plus ghosts equals Cybermen.

Damn Bluetooth enabled headsets. They will be the downfall of the human race. Or at least the 13 year olds who don’t take them off. That wouldn’t be much of a loss. Natural selection really.

I think I’ve got it. The “ghosts” are Cybermen trying to cross over from the dimension where Mickey was left.

The Doctor figured out that the ghostiness is coming from Torchwood. Torchwood was, after all, created to keep track of and control the Doctor. I think. Come on, Aric. Show some confidence. Let the readers know you’re in charge!

Thorchwood’s motto is “If it’s alien, it’s ours.” And so they claimed the Tardis. Luckily Rose was still inside, and the Doctor lied and brought Jackie along as his “companion.”

The sphere is a void ship. It exists outside of time and space. Where there is nothing, there is this thing.

Awww no. Your psychic paper won’t work on the Torchwood employees, Rose. Luckily Mickey got there somehow to help out. Hopefully he will be less whiny than usual.

The Cybermen-hijacked Torchwood employees have set up some razzmatazz to break through to the other dimension. The Cybermen are breaking through and that sphere is going all nutso. So remember when I called the the ghosts were Cybermen? Score a point for me. You know, for those keeping track.

What’s in the sphere? Darleks, of course. That’s the worst prize to ever come from inside of an egg.

You are making me watch The Standard of Perfection: Show Cats. I can’t quite understand that last sentence, so let us continue.

I don’t think God likes cat shows, since the Bible says “No one can serve two masters; for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to one and despise the other.”

I know you think your cat looks like Nicole Kidman, but she really doesn’t.

Rumor Has It? You named your cat Rumor Has It? Listen, I have two cats. Bartleby from Bartleby the Scrivener and Dizzy from Strangers with Candy. Simple. One name. And I have no misconceptions that they look like anybody. You all is crazy!

Texas Bell’s Candice Bergeron? That can’t be the name of your cat. There must be some mistake.

“They know exactly what you say?” Horsefeathers, says I! Baloney!

This lady is playing off the breeding room as a “happy room.” “Happy things happen here, I guess.” The cats do it, lady. I don’t know how you can be a breeder and call it a “happy thing.” If I go to a proctologist, I want him to call it my anus, not my “fancy free portal.”

I do enjoy watching cats being bathed. They hate it so much. This lady washed her cat with soap that mechanics use. And then dips her in some vinegar too. I never considered bathing in vinegar. Who am I to judge?

Having an eye for cats is a “God given talent.” That is what I call the short end of the talent stick.

There is a breed of cat called the Maine Coon Cat? Their characteristic is their size. It is large. Probably. I couldn’t tell, but they sure talked it up like it was part of the Grand Tetons.

I want to murder the person who put a “My life is better than yours” sign on their cat cage. You suck, whoever you are! Dr. Norman Borlaug won a Nobel Peace Prize for saving a billion people through developing new ways to produce food. A billion people! And you have a sign that says your cat’s life is better than mine. You can cram it with walnuts, idiot.

This show has made me angry. Merry Xmas.

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer is a classic Christmas special narrated by Burl Ives. I will find out who that is in a second.

Burl was a folk singer who was jailed for a short time in Utah for performing the song Foggy Foggy Dew. The authorities found it “bawdy.” Well, now we certainly need to find the lyrics to this song, don’t we?

One night she knelt close by my side
When I was fast asleep.
She threw her arms around my neck
And she began to weep.
She wept, she cried, she tore her hair
Ah, me! What could I do?
So all night long I held her in my arms
Just to keep her from the foggy foggy dew.

Bawdy, huh? Damn Mormons.

Rudolph was just born with a red nose. His father is ashamed of him. There is Herby too, the elf who wants to be a dentist. So it this show pro-gay propaganda or anti-gay propaganda?

Why does Rudolph’s nose whistle? The glowing redness wasn’t weird enough, I guess. What if herpes glowed and whistled? It would me much harder to spread.

Mrs. Claus isn’t at all like Victoria’s Secret has led me to believe. She is a lot older and uglier. And she calls Santa by Papa.

Holy nuts! Even Santa is disgusted by Rudolph! This is a terrible story!

Now the creepy bearded man find our two young differents in the wilderness. And he is obsessed with silver and gold. This is a terrible story! Did I mention that beardy has a poodle? I didn’t?

Donner headed out to find his son Rudolph. His wife wanted to come along, but he said “no, this is man’s work!”

“No toy wants to play with a Charlie in the box.” I like the Island of Misfit Toys. However, it does kind of support my pro/anti-gay propaganda theory.

“How would you like to be a gun…that shoots jelly!?!?” I would LOVE to be a gun that shoots jelly!

Of course a lion with black wings and a crown rules the Island of Misfit Toys. A lion. At the north pole. With wings. And a crown. That talks. Something doesn’t fit here.

Rudolph totally took a stalactite to the head.

What did they do to the abominable snowman because he was different? Tore out his teeth and pushed him off a cliff. So I should be nice to some people who are different from me, but not others?

Why do so many Xmas specials have to do with canceling Xmas? You can’t cancel a day! For example, you can’t go around and cancel February 29th. Wait, no. Well, that’s a bad example. But my point is valid.

Xmas is saved by those who are different. Lesson learned. The end.

Bethel is a local Twin Cities Christian college. There is your background for the Bethel University Festival of Christmas. I have, in fact, been to their festival of Christmas once. Watching it on TV can only enhance its flavor, right? Right?

Oh, it’s a musical festival by the way. So we can continue on with my hatred of Xmas music. And candles. Candles are never necessary under any circumstances.

Ah ha ha ha. What choral festival is complete without a handbell choir? Handbells are to concerts what flag girls are to high school assemblies.

I don’t know why I had the volume up so high, seeing as how I don’t really care to hear any of this.

Who directed this? “Okay, close up on the bored kid with no facial expressions. Hold it. Hold it! Okay, switch to the creepy looking girl! No, not that creepy looking girl! Camera 6! Camera 6! What is this, armature hour?”

Hooray! Now the audience is singing along. That’s capital!

Here’s a neat little fact. Sometimes I dislike watching television. Right now, for example. Right now I dislike watching television.

If I had any delusions of supporting PBS, they have been washed away now. Luckily my feelings on donation are not cycler, meaning they are gone for good with no threat of coming back.

Tonight is a damnable night of PBS holiday specials. We’ll start with Happy Holidays: The Best of the Andy Williams Christmas Show. For those of you who don’t know, Andy Williams is some dude.

Andy Williams is a singer. And a pleasant one at that. Does that mean I want to watch his Xmas special? No. But here we are, aren’t we?

Did you know that I hate Xmas songs? It’s true! They are horrible songs. The only reason you hear them year after year is tradition. It is not good music, and I’ll fight anyone who says otherwise and also wants to fight. It wouldn’t make any sense to fight if we both didn’t want to.

“There’s a birthday party at the home of Farmer Gray?” What the hell is that supposed to mean? Who can relate to that? 0.0% of Americans know a Farmer Gray. Up yours, Sleigh Ride.

“Parson Brown?” Screw you, Walking in a Winter Wonderland.

The Osmonds made many appearances on Andy’s Xmas specials. You know. In case you needed another reason to miss this PBS special.

Yes yes. Why don’t you sing something while your hot chocolate cools off? That’s what I do when I have hot chocolate during the work day.

Jingle Bells may be the worst song ever written.

Would an Andy Williams variety type Xmas show even succeed on TV these days? His regular variety show was on for over a decade. These days, I don’t think audiences would go for that. We like our California Raisins and explosions too much to bother with this specific type of nonsense.

Now they are ice skating. Thought I’d throw you an update on the show, since it is so interesting.

Andy Williams is floating in space singing Ave Maria. Fool! There is no sound in space!

As awesome and hilarious as a show on TLC sounds, it will never be what you want. My Husband’s Three Wives will surely be one of those major disappointments.

These folk live in Texas. Now this Brian dude only has one legal wife, but two spiritual wives. So the title of this show is already misleading.

Brian is a psychologist. I can’t quite wrap my mind around that. He doesn’t believe in monogamy since it leads to more divorces. I have a feeling that more marriages were ended by trying to bring a second woman around. I reject your stupid theory, Brian.

Brian married his first wife legally. Then he started sleeping with and then moving in the other two ladies.

The thing about polygamy that rubs me the wrong way is the treatment of women. He just started sleeping with other woman? That doesn’t seem like a responsible and respectful things to do. Have as many wives and husbands as you want! But don’t be a jerk about it, okay?

Would you believe me if I told you that Brian had issues with his parents? He does! Shocker!

They are celebrating anniversaries? That doesn’t seem quite right. A lot of this doesn’t seem quite right.

Did I mention there are a million kids running around? There are.

Wife number one isn’t happy about the potential wife number three. Wife number one stated that one person needed to be the bigger person. Which lends itself so perfectly to the “No, it’s big of me” joke.

Okay, here’s how it works. Everyone should be in love with each other. The man loves the two women? Fine. Then the two women have to be in love with each other two. And, hey, maybe they’ll throw another dude in there. As long as everyone is in love with him, it’s all cool.

Brian just invited the first two wives to help pick out wife number three’s wedding band. There’s salt in the old wound for you.

The kids aren’t too happy about this new wife either. Add that to the reasons that Brian is a complete bastard.

Then Brian can’t handle the stress coming from the three women, so he leaves everyone at home and goes out to the bar. That goes on the reason list.

The third “wife” came in and saved their home financially. With neither of the wives working, you’re saying they were short on cash? How is that even possible? With the husband working one job, they should have plenty of money rolling in!

Then the wives voted number three out. Good for them. Everyone in the house is now happy. Except for Brian. Who is mopey.

TLC is a channel full of people I have no sympathy for.