The Gilmore Girls start another long and painful season tonight. My predictions include but are not limited to Rory getting a sex change operation and Lorelai inventing a new kind of pastry. Everyone loves a good pastry.

Really, I was hoping to forget the names of the characters over summer break, but I have had no such luck.

Last season, Rory’s boyfriend went overseas to study and Lorelai shacked up with an old flame. Oh my, what big worries in little Stars Hollow. Damn it, I know the name of the stupid town. Useless information filling up my brain, making sure I don’t remember phone numbers.

The opening scenes have Rory opening up a present and Lorelai hurriedly getting out of her ex’s apartment. Then come the credits, which fill me with a dread that I can not describe.

Lorelai is talking to a crazy neighbor who entered her house and slept on her couch. If that is what happens in small towns, I’ll stay in the murder filled streets of the big city.

After a rough night of sex with the wrong people, Lorelai is in no mood for the fast talking of others. Now she knows how I feel. Not that I have sex with the wrong people. I get annoyed by these people’s fast talking.

There is an empty spot where the “witty” pop culture references should be. They can just take a quick look at Defamer and be set. But they are too lazy to look at the internet. You are not. Hi. How are you doing?

A red light camera? In Stars Hollow? Now I’ve seen everything. Big city problems come to the little town. The red light camera will learn something from these kind small town folk.

Stupid boyfriend Logan and Rory just talked over the phone. He obviously left a different present for Rory that wasn’t the rocket that she found. What a hilarious misunderstanding. I really care about the present that Logan left for Rory. This is a very good plot point that expresses depth and interest.

The whole town got together to see the unveiling of the stop light camera. Did I imply that the rocket was a stupid plot? I stand corrected by this piece of work.

Ahhh, Fast and the Furious talk. There is your half hearted pop culture reference.

Oh no, Lorelai. Half of your bed is so empty! You certainly are broken up.

The best part of this episode was a description of a Twilight Zone episode. I wish I was watching the Twilight Zone.

Luke and Lorelai had their conversation where she says she slept with someone else. Luke drives off. The end. Boo, Gilmore Girls. Yeah, that’s right. I booed the Gilmore Girls just like it was a terrible vaudevillian act.

Tonight’s Celebrity Remote from musician Arthur Yoria is both easy and complicated. It is easy because I will only be watching one channel for two hours. It is complicated because it will be Univision, a channel where people say things that I don’t understand.

Get ready for an evening where I make up my own plots to Spanish language telenovelas.

And, for Pete’s sake, buy Arthur’s album, I’ll Be Here Awake. It is one of my favorite albums, and I have listened to it no less than 50 times.

The evening starts with La Fea Más Bella. This is the Mexican version of the Columbian Betty la Fea. It might seem a little familiar because Ugly Betty, based on these two shows, starts in the US this week.

There seems to be an epidemic of giant glasses in Mexico. Maybe they have a surplus of lenses. Everyone has the problem now and again.

I think a fellow in a suit just said “Think fast!” Look at me, possibly learning Spanish maybe!

Pick up that damn phone! It’s been at least 50 rings! How long have they had the telephone in Mexico? They might be learning how it works. I can’t fault them for that.

Continue reading Celebrity Remote: Arthur Yoria…

Men in Trees is a show I, surprisingly, don’t hate. I know, I’m too negative for my own good sometimes. That only means I get to be surprised on a semi-regular basis. It’s delightful.

Marin, who has been staying in Alaska to figure out how men work, will be hosting a bachelor auction. Any maybe, just maybe, learn something about men. She also has a refund for her half of the wedding that didn’t happen. That is $13,000 dollars to burn away the bad memories with. That could create a mighty fire.

The character of Marin could get pretty annoying. She thinks she knows everything about everything. Luckily, she gets taken down a peg quite often. That makes everything okay. And, pretty soon, she will be sprayed by a female skunk.

Patrick, the charming and doofy radio DJ who brought Marin up in the first place, has fallen in love with a girl named Annie. Annie drove up from Vancouver, or some other mythical place, to comfort Marin. Patrick’s mother, the chief of police, doesn’t like doofy Annie for some reason. She doesn’t like much of anything though. I know someone like that. It’s me.

The bachelor auction is throwing all sorts of wrenches into the relationship situations of the town. The town pilot was bid on by the chief of police, who outbid his wife. Good old Patrick was bought by a young blonde who outbid Annie. I have a feeling that the chief of police had something to do with that.

The $13,000 wad was blown on Jack, the rugged animal specialist who Marin thinks is always being a jerk even though he isn’t. I must have missed what this charity auction was funding. Probably a meth lab. I imagine there are meth labs all over Alaska. Even inside of caribou. Meth filled caribou that explode. That would be a whole different show.

The bachelor dates go off with many hiccups. Marin ended up running over Jack with her truck. It was an accident. I’m sure it made him only more rugged looking.

Marin is making Jack breakfast. Annie bought Patrick back. And the skunk finally sprayed Marin.

This episode doesn’t seem that great. I mean, it’s still okay. But I’m not blown away or anything. Or really that entertained. Hmmmm.

The skunk led to Marin soaking in a bathtub full of alphabet soup. That’s a lot of soup. A lot of letters. Hey, she could write her new book on men in a bathtub full of alphabet soup. That would be nice and eccentric. I think I just came up with an idea for a movie.

A stupid movie. See you next week for Arthur Yoria’s night of Univision!

The Grey’s Anatomy fans were outdone last night by the Supernatural fans. Luckily for them, there is an encore presentation of the season premiere of Grey’s Anatomy tonight. Is that lucky for me? We shall soon see.

All that I remember from last season is some guy dying and making the blonde girl very sad, and Grey cheats on somebody with somebody. You probably know what is going on. Don’t let me confuse you.

Izzie is the dizzy blonde girl who threw her bedridden fiancé a prom. Now her bedridden fiancé died suddenly, and she is a little crushed. The next day, she is still running around in her prom dress. It is very Dickens.

On no, a patient is sick and also leaking spinal fluid. That sounds like something you shouldn’t be leaking. Just like salt water.

There is also a trash can baby. That’s a baby you find in a trash can. They are not to be confused with the Garbage Pail Kids. In an odd coincidence, her name is Smelly Melanie.

Why is the plague such a hot medical drama plot? It’s very treatable now. None the less, a quarantine has been set up. Derek and wimpy guy are stuck together until the quarantine is over. They’ll probably talk about normal guy things, like the size of their urethra. That’s what girls look for in a guy, right?

Everybody is having flashbacks to when their lives changed forever. Grey meeting Derek. Derek’s wife cheating on him. The interns meeting at the hospital mixer. Mixers are a good place to change your life forever. Go ahead, murder the host of the party. You’ll see what I mean.

Derek and wimpy are okay, trash can baby is getting the help it needs, spinal fluid died, and Izzie finally got off the floor of the bathroom. Success!

The last rerun of Supernatural before the new season starts right now. I will finally be caught up with everyone else, with some gaps to fill in with the DVDs. That’ll be like an extra treat.

Meg, the demon’s skinny little messenger, has Sean’s father. It’s time to get ready for a big battle. Sean and Sean are getting help from their dad’s friends. It’s easy to catch a demon. You simply trap it in a special circle. I knew there was a reason I shouldn’t trust circles. I will no longer use the letter O.

The magic O trapped Meg! Good work, fellas. The windows and doors have been salted, so the folks inside can not get assaulted. That’s how I remember the salt trick. No it’s not. I’m lying for no reason.

Sean is super mad this episode! Lots a teeth gritting and deep voice talking. And the exorcism of Meg. You don’t do that because you think it would be a fun idea. This is serious business. Like deciding to get your ears pierced. You don’t just go to Claire’s and get it done. You need to sit down and talk your mother into it. You need to show that you can handle responsibility.

Meg is still alive, barely, after the demon is taken out of her. Whoops, now she’s dead. The demon was the only thing keeping her alive, after she was thrown out of a window and also shot. She probably drank some poison for the hell of it too. Who wouldn’t?

Who knew demons could be outdone by so many symbols? Just like someone who can’t do long division. Demons are the kids that try and cheat off of you in math class.

Now Sean is dressed like a firefighter. It’s a bulky outfit though. Sorry, ladies.

Sean found their father in an apartment building full of people. People that can and will be possessed by demons.

Two bullets left in the gun of magic. They should try some other magic tricks to try and stop these demons. Perhaps if they pulled a rabbit out of a hat. A rabbit made of rock salt and symbols.

Sean and their father escaped to a cabin in the woods. Whose cabin? What woods? I don’t know. It’s just there. Accept it, like you accept that something can come from nothing.

Too bad Sean’s father is possessed by a demon. That puts a damper on things.

The demon is going on in some dramatic monologue. This is a little corny. Sure, we’re getting some information out of it, but it doesn’t feel very intense.

There was some shooting. The big bad demon left the dad’s body as dad begged Sean to shoot him to kill the demon. Now the demon that killed Sean’s mother is gone like a Fox sitcom, swept under the floorboards.

Oh no! I didn’t see that truck coming, and neither did Sean. I hope Sean’s father died in the crash. I love the drama that is created when grand gestures, like not shooting your father to kill a demon, are negated. If only you could go back and pull that trigger, Sean! If only!

Still, only an okay episode for a season finale. The bad boys better bring it next week.

The Office The Office The Office The Office The Office The Office The Office!

The Office!

Oh no! Ryan is a permanent employee! Jim is gone! Pam still planned on marrying Roy! That’s how you start a season.

Oh, and Michael found out that Oscar is gay. This episode is going to cause so much cringing. It’s awesome.

Jim transferred to the Stanford office, where he meets Ed Helms of the daily show. Ed calls Jim “Big Tuna” because Jim had a tuna sandwich for lunch. Man, I hate those guys. What a perfect show.

Michael needs to find out who else in the office is gay, so he knows who he can say offensive things around.

I have laughed out loud on at least 4 to 12 occasions already. No show even comes close to the joy I get from The Office.

Okay, Pam didn’t actually go through with the wedding. She and Roy decided to call it off. And thus, Roy grew a beard and became an alcoholic. Thus proving, Jim is better than Roy. Because, you know, no beard and booze. I think I’ll name a bar that. Welcome to the Beard and Booze? No beard? No booze.

Jan came down to talk to Michael. Which somehow ends up with Michael sending Dwight to find gay porn. Huh, when I go back and read this stuff, it sounds a lot more like tragedy than comedy.

Michael, to make amends with Oscar, decided that kissing him on the lips would be the best way to bridge the gap. That’s what he said.

The Office is back, boys and girls! Rejoice and be gay. And by gay, I mean happy.

It’s the return of My Name Is Earl! Hooray! Let’s watch!

I don’t think there was a huge cliff hanger last season, so we can get right into the comedy. Earl gets right into the swing of things. The item on his list this time? Taking his ex-wife’s side for once.

This is certainly the second best comedy on television, right after The Office. Joy stole a truck from a store she couldn’t get a refund from, as revenge. So we have a couple of plots going on. Sorry, I’m getting taken away by the comedy. I’ll start stringing together rational thoughts soon enough.

There was an employee stuck in the truck. Possibly stoned. I assume everyone is stoned. Especially the pope. I don’t know why I would say that. It just seems like everyone is hating on the pope these days. Probably because he can speak a second language. Showoff.

“SARcastic.” Oh Randy, you pronounce words in the funniest ways. The cast in this show is such a great ensemble. I never roll my eyes when there is a plot centered around someone I don’t like. I like them all! My Name Is Earl is one big present.

I’m trying to eat and chat and blog and watch TV at the same time. My brain is about to burst out of my eyes and also my feet. You know that’s bad when it bursts out of your feet.

Joy just used “Ferris Buellered” as a verb. The writers on this show must have a blast.

That was a pretty funny season premier. It’s a good thing the summer didn’t ruin anything, like it normally does. Summer always ruins my streak of not making ice tea. Thanks a lot, summer.

A new season of America’s Next Top Model is here. It is time, once again, to root for the meanest model there is.

Wow, the contest started right when the models stepped off the plane at the airport. Photos were flying. That’s the first thing I do when I get off a plane. I grab somebody and get snapping.

There is something very similar about all of these models. Something about their waistlines. They’re huge! They should really go on a diet. I mean, they could hardly fit all 21 models into a telephone booth. That’s pathetic.

Oh lordy, there is already crying. Modeling is all about being who you are?

TWINS! What is up with TV and it’s obsession with twins? They can read your thoughts! Get rid of them!

Did I mention that I am watching this show on the new CW? How long before they can no longer call it the “new” CW?

Everyone is in their teens. I want to see the 32 year old housewives who want to try modeling.

There is no making fun of Megan, 22. When she was younger, she was in a plane crash with her mother. Her mother died of hypothermia, but she was also lying on her daughter. That kept young Megan warm enough to survive. Yowza. I have a tough enough time bothering to take 30 seconds to heat up a PopTart, let alone a little girl.

Yes yes yes, models. You are different, just like everyone else. Get in line.

Cyndel has a mouth like Jack Nicholson’s version of the Joker. She is an exotic dancer, if you want to imagine Jack Nicholson shaking his booty in your face.

Melissa Rose calls herself Melrose. You see, that is Mel minus the Issa plus the Rose. Sorry, I didn’t mean to confuse you with math. It was probably a shock to your system after concentrating on the models.

Half an hour into the first episode, we have our first cuts. The ugly scary creepy twins made it through. That is all you need to know.

The models were just told that they will be posing nude. Ginger, the conservative girl that said she can handle the liberal world of modeling, is none too pleased. I’m not pleased either. If I wanted to see this many ribs, I’d head down to Famous Dave’s. Or I could dig up all of those vagabonds I murdered.

The nude shooting was certainly a good way to stir up emotions. You can’t say you want to win this competition more than anyone, and then wuss out when it comes to nudity. There are plenty of people who want to be nude and don’t want to win a damn thing. It doesn’t work the other way around.

The judges are…judging. They are seeing so many things in the models that I’m not seeing. That’s why I don’t get to judge models. Wait, I’m judging right now. Weird.

Melrose is the first one to make it through in the second round of eliminations this evening. One of the twins made it through. As long as the other one doesn’t, I should be able to make through the rest of the season.

Oh no, there is a Meg and Megan. And the other twin made it through! I’m going to get so confused. I promise you. If I fail to become confused, you can pull my hair out one strand at a time.

With the ranks slimmed down to 13 models, they are moved into one house.

Wasn’t there a rip off of this show for male models? Thank goodness I will never be forced to watch that.

The designers from Elmer Ave. are providing the clothes for the next challenge. “Elmer Ave. is all about rock and roll.” Thanks for getting that out, corporate shill.

We get our first look at the models’ runway walk. Hilarious. The models look like they are trying their hardest to pop their hips out of their sockets. Like they will be in pain if their joints function properly for a second longer.

There were only 11 beds in the house for 13 models. Monique made it a point to steal someone else’s bed. Monique is now my favorite. She even poured water on the bed and told people she peed on it. I may never have said this before, but you go girl. Ahhh, that’s why I’ve never said it. It’s stupid as hell.

The Gilmore Girls commercials make me fear the return of the Gilmore Girls. I wonder if there is a Latin term for that fear.

Melrose is a neat freak. She is bossing everyone around.

Hold that thought, Monique is talking about herself in the third person. And she will not take a shower that is less than an hour long. Oh, I hope she doesn’t get kicked out the first episode.

Everyone cheers when Tyra comes on screen. It would be great to have that going in every day life. That might make it hard to sneak into meetings late though.

The next photo shoot challenge is about model stereotypes. Anorexic, drug taking, dumb blond, diva models. That’s a fun idea, admittedly.

Oh Melrose, quit your crying. She didn’t do so well in her photo shoot, so she locked herself in the bathroom. There has to be a better place to lock yourself. I bet real models have rooms specially built to cry in. Just a big closet with a lock on the inside. No toilets needed.

The last half hour is a waste of time. The judges will do very little as they hmm and haw over what model to kick out. You don’t need half an hour for that.

The photos were nothing amazing. Except the girl with puke on her hands sitting on the toilet. That was fantastic.

And Christian is gone. Wait, who the heck was Christian? Oh well, it’s too late to care.