A new season of America’s Next Top Model is here. It is time, once again, to root for the meanest model there is.

Wow, the contest started right when the models stepped off the plane at the airport. Photos were flying. That’s the first thing I do when I get off a plane. I grab somebody and get snapping.

There is something very similar about all of these models. Something about their waistlines. They’re huge! They should really go on a diet. I mean, they could hardly fit all 21 models into a telephone booth. That’s pathetic.

Oh lordy, there is already crying. Modeling is all about being who you are?

TWINS! What is up with TV and it’s obsession with twins? They can read your thoughts! Get rid of them!

Did I mention that I am watching this show on the new CW? How long before they can no longer call it the “new” CW?

Everyone is in their teens. I want to see the 32 year old housewives who want to try modeling.

There is no making fun of Megan, 22. When she was younger, she was in a plane crash with her mother. Her mother died of hypothermia, but she was also lying on her daughter. That kept young Megan warm enough to survive. Yowza. I have a tough enough time bothering to take 30 seconds to heat up a PopTart, let alone a little girl.

Yes yes yes, models. You are different, just like everyone else. Get in line.

Cyndel has a mouth like Jack Nicholson’s version of the Joker. She is an exotic dancer, if you want to imagine Jack Nicholson shaking his booty in your face.

Melissa Rose calls herself Melrose. You see, that is Mel minus the Issa plus the Rose. Sorry, I didn’t mean to confuse you with math. It was probably a shock to your system after concentrating on the models.

Half an hour into the first episode, we have our first cuts. The ugly scary creepy twins made it through. That is all you need to know.

The models were just told that they will be posing nude. Ginger, the conservative girl that said she can handle the liberal world of modeling, is none too pleased. I’m not pleased either. If I wanted to see this many ribs, I’d head down to Famous Dave’s. Or I could dig up all of those vagabonds I murdered.

The nude shooting was certainly a good way to stir up emotions. You can’t say you want to win this competition more than anyone, and then wuss out when it comes to nudity. There are plenty of people who want to be nude and don’t want to win a damn thing. It doesn’t work the other way around.

The judges are…judging. They are seeing so many things in the models that I’m not seeing. That’s why I don’t get to judge models. Wait, I’m judging right now. Weird.

Melrose is the first one to make it through in the second round of eliminations this evening. One of the twins made it through. As long as the other one doesn’t, I should be able to make through the rest of the season.

Oh no, there is a Meg and Megan. And the other twin made it through! I’m going to get so confused. I promise you. If I fail to become confused, you can pull my hair out one strand at a time.

With the ranks slimmed down to 13 models, they are moved into one house.

Wasn’t there a rip off of this show for male models? Thank goodness I will never be forced to watch that.

The designers from Elmer Ave. are providing the clothes for the next challenge. “Elmer Ave. is all about rock and roll.” Thanks for getting that out, corporate shill.

We get our first look at the models’ runway walk. Hilarious. The models look like they are trying their hardest to pop their hips out of their sockets. Like they will be in pain if their joints function properly for a second longer.

There were only 11 beds in the house for 13 models. Monique made it a point to steal someone else’s bed. Monique is now my favorite. She even poured water on the bed and told people she peed on it. I may never have said this before, but you go girl. Ahhh, that’s why I’ve never said it. It’s stupid as hell.

The Gilmore Girls commercials make me fear the return of the Gilmore Girls. I wonder if there is a Latin term for that fear.

Melrose is a neat freak. She is bossing everyone around.

Hold that thought, Monique is talking about herself in the third person. And she will not take a shower that is less than an hour long. Oh, I hope she doesn’t get kicked out the first episode.

Everyone cheers when Tyra comes on screen. It would be great to have that going in every day life. That might make it hard to sneak into meetings late though.

The next photo shoot challenge is about model stereotypes. Anorexic, drug taking, dumb blond, diva models. That’s a fun idea, admittedly.

Oh Melrose, quit your crying. She didn’t do so well in her photo shoot, so she locked herself in the bathroom. There has to be a better place to lock yourself. I bet real models have rooms specially built to cry in. Just a big closet with a lock on the inside. No toilets needed.

The last half hour is a waste of time. The judges will do very little as they hmm and haw over what model to kick out. You don’t need half an hour for that.

The photos were nothing amazing. Except the girl with puke on her hands sitting on the toilet. That was fantastic.

And Christian is gone. Wait, who the heck was Christian? Oh well, it’s too late to care.