That’s what I get for trusting Fox to keep their schedule straight. It turns out that a rerun of Vanished is on instead of a rerun of Prison Break tonight. So we will watch Vanished. It’s too bad, because I didn’t wear my shoes with “underwhelming” absorbing shocks. No matter.

A senator and his wife are going to a dinner. It will, in all probability, go off without a hitch.

I really shouldn’t complain about a show I have never watched, especially when it is saving me from watching Almanac again.

Oh my, I was totally wrong! The dinner party didn’t go off fine! The senator’s wife got stolen or vanished or kidnapped. Wait one minute. I already know that from the commercials. I was not surprised in the least!

The next thing I know, a kid sitting on a log blows up. This is like a poorly written fairy tale. Really, all fairy tales are poorly written. A house made out of candy? Not very likely. And who leaves a trail of bread crumbs?

The senator’s daughter is missing too. And the FBI is butting heads with the media. Curse the media and their attempts to inform the public! What we need is the destruction of any media received through antenna or cable. Automated vehicles will also be disallowed. Only bearded men on street corners will be permitted to pass out pamphlets of information that they have overheard while having tea at a state mandated tea parlor.

And don’t worry. I know you were worried. The senator’s daughter is safe and sound.

The senator’s stolen wife is also pregnant. Does that count as stealing two people?

Why do agents in these high drama shows have to be jerks? This is no slam at Jack Bauer, but people need to smile and follow the rules some times. If Jack Bauer herded an elephant into an elevator and said, “You’ll be fine,” I might still get a little jumpy.

The annoying nosey media woman was the blind girl in Nip/Tuck who wanted her eyes to look normal. In case you were trying to figure out who it was. I was.

I give up. All of the characters are jerks and I don’t care about anything going on.

“Amazing” things are occurring, if by “amazing” I mean “absurdly and uninterestingly plotted.” In fact, that is what I mean. Sorry for saying “amazing.”

And the pilot episode is over. Let me see…huh? What is happening to my thumbs? They’re stuck! Stuck in a downward position! Gravity has taken its toll on them. Poor thumbs.