Welcome back! How are you? Look at this! My cable and internet are working again, just in time to watch Big Brother 7: All-Stars.

James and Kaysar are currently on the chopping block tonight. Man, I bet James gets backdoored. I wish I had a stiff drink, so I could slam some strong alcohol down my throat when someone utters that stupid phrase. This Crystal Light Lemonade will have to do. Mmmm, sugar substitute.

The beginning of this episode is nothing but James and Kaysar trying to gather votes so they can stay in the house. I would like to see the nominees given half an hour to edit footage from the house into a smear campaign against their fellow nominee. That would be good television! Instead, we get a lot of people whispering in bedrooms with their clothes on.

Big Brother is looking at a montage of Will and Mike, while their mothers talk about them. Sorry, I must have fallen asleep there. A montage mixed with mothers talking about their children works like Tylenol PM for me. Especially if the mothers are saying “Chill Town.”

James is boring. If you are anyone’s support system in the Big Brother house, then you are boring. You aren’t going to get into a big fight or threaten someone with a knife. Get out of my sight.

The vote tonight is live, which means it is a big waste of time as house guests go in and out of the diary room to cast their vote.

Damn, it looks like Kaysar is going home. Really, neither of the nominees was a troublemaker, so this vote means little to nothing to me. At least the always exciting (sarcasm) head of household competition is next.

The Big Brother house was haunted by house guests from seasons past this week. That would be interesting, if it didn’t lead to a boring trivia competition.

Do you ever feel bad for the pistachios that are too hard to open, and are forever trapped in their shell coffins?

Julie Chen is promising a big twist before this episode is up. I don’t trust her. Her twist probably involves giving everyone except one person a cupcake. That will turn everything on its head!

Julie just announced the coup d’Etat, which lets one guest overthrow the head of household at any time and replace their nominations. Nothing sounds exciting when it is coming out of Julie Chen’s mouth, unless she was vomiting the stars of action movies.

Now there is a sheep in the house. A wolf would be something, a sheep is nothing.