Fresh off of her Emmy win for best comedy, The Office, Jenna Fischer squeezed in a bit of time to tell me what to watch for this week’s Celebrity Remote.

Here is what Jenna is having me watch.

7-8pm Big Brother 7 – All Stars on CBS. I am obsessed with this show. I’m rooting for Dr. Will.

8-9pm The First 48 on A&E. This is a pretty decent crime investigation show. I watched a bunch of these when I was on location shooting my last movie. Enjoy!

If you haven’t been paying attention, Jenna’s husband, James Gunn, was took control of the Celebrity Remote a few weeks back.

James also starred with Jenna in LolliLove, a film she also wrote and directed. It is certainly worth watching. I laughed myself silly. I hate that phrase. Forgot I said it, and pretend that I said something much cooler.

It’s 7pm. We should start. Let me mirror Jenna’s excitement about Big Brother 7 – All Stars. As bored as I was with this show at first, it has grown on me. It’s all about Dr. Will, really. I am shocked and delighted that he has such a seat of power. Surely the house guests must have seen season 2 of Big Brother. Will lied and cheated and did whatever he wanted. He’s doing it again, and it’s working again. These other people don’t deserve the money!

Tonight’s episode will be fantastic. One house guest gets the boot. Then there is the Head of Household competition. After that, the Head of Household must nominate two people for eviction. Finally, someone gets the other boot. Probably the left boot. It seems like you would use the right boot first.

Did I just rant about how clueless everyone was and how I hated it? That doesn’t make sense, because I like watching how ignorant Chicken George is. The fella has been struck by lightening! He’s no Benjamin Franklin, but he might just wish the turkey to be our national bird.

Danielle has been evicted. There is the right boot for you. Let us give this left leg a little stretch before we use it. Unless you’re driving a clutch. Then your left leg is probably as thick as a mighty redwood and ready for action.

Continue reading Celebrity Remote: Jenna Fischer…

After a wonderful little week of time off and my birthday, I’m back and will be as subservient as ever tonight. To brighten up your Thursday afternoon, enjoy another episode of Danny Washington and Educational Egg. They’re learning about hats!

I will be on vacation from August 24th to my birthday on August 30th. Feel free to buy me expensive things.

I will be returning to my TV watching schedule on August 31st with a special Celebrity Remote from The Office’s own Jenna Fischer!

So, until then, watch your own damn TV.

Tonight, the MythBusters test a bunch of criminal myths. Avoiding heat detectors, blowing up safes, and more. There is no way this can’t be fun.

The first system Adam and Jamie are up against is a fingerprint analyzing doorknob. Not only does it look at the fingerprint, it measures temperature and heart beat. Wow, that is an awesome lock. I want one of those for my…awww, I don’t have anything that expensive enough to protect. If I were a Buddhist, that wouldn’t be a problem. I am not a Buddhist.

Now a thermal motion sensor is the device to beat. You could say their goal is to beat the heat. Tee hee hee. Rhyming equals a funny joke.

Mud doesn’t cover the heat, like in Predator. A CO2 fire extinguisher doesn’t do any good. Riding on the back of an extinct dodo doesn’t work, I am guessing. There is no need to bring the dodo back to life, future scientists.

The super fingerprint lock that the manufacturer said has never been broken? The MythBusters just busted it. Three times. The last time using just a piece of paper with a fingerprint on it. Maybe I don’t want one of those things for my expensive things that don’t exist.

Thermal motion sensor? Busted with a pane of glass. You see, the pane of glass reflects regular light, but not thermal waves. Something close to that, at least. Either way, take note robbers.

Blowing up a safe with water, like in The Score, looks to be pretty difficult. You remember the lesson in The Score, right? Old people are smarter than young people.

A bed sheet fooled a sonic movement sensor. Moving slowly did too. If the safe is breakable, I will be highly disappointed in all systems set up to keep my stuff safe.

Nothing is safe! Not even a safe! The only solution is to seal yourself off in an old and abandoned taconite mine a mile beneath the Earth.

That’s all for now! See you next Thursday, boys and girls!

Bones is out to prove to the world that she isn’t weird, and she can go toe to toe with anybody. Maybe. I have seen this show once, and it bored me to tears. What will this viewing bring out of my brain?

In Bones, the Bone Agency, or headquarters or whatever the heck this mythical office is, has a device that maps bones and then constructs the person’s face and hair and facial features and eye color and rainbows and world peace and any other nonsense you want from it. I mean, it’s not a real machine so why limit it? Anyway, this magic machine mapped a set of bones that turned out to be Bones’ mother. She died while wearing a dolphin belt buckle. Wow, that’s embarrassing.

The parents of Bones died when she was in high school or college or some point in her life. As it turns out, they were living under false identities. They learned how to disappear completely and never be found, except when they were murdered. That’s the catch.

Mommy Bones was running around for two years before she was killed. Meaning her parents ditched her. Bones keeps saying it wasn’t possible. Bones acts smart and calculated and devoid of emotion, but she is also like a robot with the personality of the cardboard box it was packaged in.

Bones is not an interesting show. The plots are shallow and predictable, the characters are tired and one dimensional, and the premise isn’t enough to keep a coma patient in their place.

Whose idea was it to renew Bones for a second season? It is all American Idol’s fault, falsely inflating the numbers due to people too lazy to shut off their TV or switch the channel.

There is no urgency to this show. The bones in the ground are old. Every crisis is forced. The emotions, that this show is so poor at portraying, are the only things that push the plot or interest forward. And, as you have read, it’s not enough.

If anyone out there is a Bones fan, please comment and let me know why. I just don’t understand why this show has an audience. I am really curious. I will not just make fun of you, I swear.

Bones’ father murdered her mother for running off with some fellow who is now in the witness relocation program. Bones is having a little overacted personal identity crisis. See what I said about the manufactured crisis?

The split second flashbacks in this show make me laugh. Oh, I see, her brother is turning his back on her, just like he did that one time 15 years ago. I get it. Thanks for pushing that in our faces.

Maybe Bones’ father didn’t murder her mother. The episode ends at a carnival, where Bones makes up with her brother. Awww, she gives him back his childhood marble! Cry me a river.

My hatred for this show has only grown in the last hour.

I’ve sworn at the TV a couple times tonight. Loudly.

Since my TV viewing was cut short last night, here is a little more content for you. It’s part of a series of short shows I made called Danny Washington and Educational Egg. It’s live action mixed with animation, and it is all about learning educational lessons in the most horrible way possible.

So what are you waiting for? Watch it already and tell all of your friends!

digg it

Hey, I watched this episode of House last night with my wife. Of course, I’ll take any opportunity I can get to see someone’s eye pop out and sack explode.

My video software is all herky jerky for some reason. I restarted my computer, but it’s still having a seizure. Now I can be like House. I need to where what the problem is. It is probably a clot in the computer’s brain.

House got shot, the whole thing is a dream, there is a guy with a tongue the size of a zucchini is exploding every which way, you know the drill.

I think the problem was a full hard drive. Maybe if I clear away some of these Good Eats episodes. Time for a hard drive biopsy.

Damn, still problems. Come on computer. I didn’t do anything weird to you. Why you gotta be like that?

Oh no! Here comes the ball exploding! Everyone cover your eyes.

I cleared up files on my hard drive, computer! That was clearly the problem. Do you need a bandage? House, help me out here! Wait, you are shot. You are no help at all.

Wait a second, all of this is probably a hallucination! Too many things don’t make sense! Computers just don’t randomly crap out. Snap out of this haze, Aric!

Nuts to this. If I keep watching TV as it keeps freezing, I’m going to throw up. I’ll try and get it fixed for tomorrow, boys and girls. Sorry about that.

Get ready for a new episode of The Amazing Race! Sorry, I was confused. I mean Treasure Hunters.

This is the first time I have seen Treasure Hunters. It is also the finale of Treasure Hunters. The finale seems to involve sitting around and fiddling with a tiny metal shaft. They had better slow down, or my heart will explode from excitement.

Everyone is in the same room trying to figure out the puzzle that is a little metal tube. Since they don’t want to give away their solutions to the puzzle, they are all whispering. It is even more boring than I could have imagined.

15 minutes in, the mystery was solved and the grand prize has been found. Oh no, please tell me the last 45 minutes isn’t wrap up and memories.

Son of a donkey mixed with some sort of lizard! 45 minutes of Q&A in front of a live studio audience. There is no way I am watching this sober.

To mix up the boredom, they are showing clips from the Genworth Financial Treasure Hunters Challenge. All of a sudden I want another mortgage. That’s weird.

Now we are seeing a montage of things that happened during the show. This can not be interesting to anybody who has seen the show or anybody who hasn’t seen the show. There is no target market for these memories.

This Treasure Hunters “live finale” is the television equivalent of packing peanuts. It is here to fill space in the TV schedule so things don’t get jostled too much.

I am so very thankful that I didn’t have to watch more of this show. If they can’t make a season finale exciting, how can they can be expected to make anything out of the lesser episodes?

The big reveal at the end of the episode? It’s the size of the treasure. The treasure is worth 3 million dollars. How shocking! I am shocked! Look at how shocked I am.

What a stupid show.