Actor, director, and writer James Gunn has chosen my TV watching schedule for tonight. You may recognize his name from the writing credits on Dawn of the Dead, Tromeo and Juliet, or Slither. He also was the man behind the camera on both Tromeo and Juliet and Slither. He even starred in Lollilove with his wife and The Office star, Jenna Fischer.

As the writer of Dawn of the Dead, except for the scene where the girls runs off to save her dumb dog, James Gunn has a very good handle on horror. The weak hearted may want to turn away now, as the rest behold the horror that is the TV schedule Jameshas picked out. I will be changing channels every fifteen minutes between bad, bad, and worse programs.

First up tonight is 15 minutes of Waiting to Exhale. Since James’ Celebrity Remote had to be pushed back a week, he orignally had me watching something else on BET. BET is BET. That would be a terrible slogan.

Some lady is visiting another lady. She is sad so they drink wine and hold hands under the night sky in the desert. Why do people live in the desert? Water is important. Frank Herbert was well aware of that.

Now there is a man visiting another woman! All men are up to no good, ladies. Oh, it’s okay. He is gay now. You aren’t in any danger, ladies.

While these ladies may be Waiting to Exhale, I am waiting to change channels. Hah ha. Take that Whitney Houston and Angela Bassett. The both of you, take that.

I was hoping for a bit more fake TV swearing during this movie. I am utterly and completely disappointed.

But now on to something that never disappoints. Religion! Welcome to cable access, and Shalom Scripture Studies. If Mel Gibson were choosing my TV today, he would not have made me watch Shalom Scripture Studies. You know, since he got drunk and ruined his career by showing his racist ways.

The Rabbi is reading about plagues. He also has a menorah. Is that a year round decoration? Maybe he is just lazy like my neighbors that leave their manger scene up until May. Oh, and there is no Mary in the manger scene. She isn’t pivotal to the Christmas story.

The mouth of the Rabbi contains a very wide and loose tongue. Not loose in the way that he would call your mother “a woman of ill repute.” Loose in the way that it looks like it could slip out of his mouth and fall to the floor at any moment. He should grow a beard, to catch his tongue.

Should a Rabbi look like he wants to sell me a quality mattress? What’s that, God? Buy a Serta? You got it!

Oh goodness, Olivet United Methodist reminds me why I hated sitting in uncomfortable wooden pews. Anything seems like heaven after your butt and ears fall asleep. We are hearing about a conference this old lady Reverend was at. Her speech drones off and gets lower at the end of every sentence. They are like waves full of dull knives that are slowly washing upon your body, which is paralyzed on the beach. It doesn’t hurt, per say. It is just really annoying.

Now she is talking about how many local churches have gained parishioners by transferring in the past three years. She might be saying something powerful and important, but I can’t pick it out because everything she says sounds the same.

At the conference they took a vote, then had a break, and then had beverages. Am I listening to a six year old’s big day at the zoo? Don’t tell me about everything! There are some things you can skim over. Like the books in the Bible where they list who begat who? Skip it!

The Reverend made sure to enunciate “homosexuality.”

Admit it, Methodists. The Southern Baptists are a little more exciting.

Now, on to America’s Funniest Home Videos. Wow, James Gunn is a mean SOB. Each 15 minutes of TV is getting worse and worse!

A baby farted in a tub. Then a bunch of farmers were featured in a montage. After that, the three terrible “best” videos were displayed. Is America out of funny videos? Cameras are more abundant than ever! Dare I say, Americans are getting stupider too? The more gadgets we have, the less we have to use our brains. Ever since Microsoft put a calculator into Windows, we were doomed.

This next program is either Barrera de Amor or La Fea Mas Bella. It doesn’t really matter, as I don’t speak Spanish. I will make up my own story.

A bunch of ugly women have shown up at a talent agency with a highly inappropriately dressed receptionist. The even more limp wristed cousin of Captain Jack Sparrow is the fashion designer for the fashion studio.

Oh, Univision doesn’t use a real clock like everyone else. La Fea Mas Bella just ended, and only now are we on to Barrera de Amor.

Barrera de Amor is also a Spanish soap opera. Unless they say “autobus” or “biblioteca,” I am out of luck.

Two moderately unattractive people with saddle sores just kissed in an open courtyard. They should ride less horses and be less ugly.

Do you go out at night? You know, when the sun is down? Then PM Style from QVC is probably for you.

A Travelon Quilted Microfiber Shoulder Bag w/3 Accessories could hold lots of things. For instance, a cell phone. You could even place a bottle of water in there. Who knew a thing that holds things could hold so many things! Oh no, it is too late! Time is up. You should have ordered more quickly.

Don’t worry, here is another thing you could buy! Get to the phone and order that Indigo Moon Floral Jacket w/T-shirt, Set of 3 Pins, and Scarf/Belt. I am most excited about the Scarf/Belt. I will just wear that and leave the jacket, pins, pants, and underwear at home. I see a future where the dress code is only a Scarf/Belt. Scarf/Belts will only come in green too, so you don’t waste time deciding on what to wear.

Did I mention it was only 5 easy payments of $10.92? They are already out of the black! What are you waiting for? Don’t be the only one without a Scarf/Belt. You don’t want your coworkers making fun of you.

The host just said “you’re going to look like a million bucks.” Yeah, where is a millionaire going to store their money when they are only wearing a Scarf/Belt?

WWE Monday Night Raw is next. The is unfiltered Monday Night, in its purest form. Be careful.

I want to be so strong that my neck is as thick as my head. I have a wide head too. This will mean a lot of work. What is the best way to grow neck muscles? By swallowing things?

When wrestlers do their “bits” between matches, they reek of summer camp talent shows. Randy Orton is doing a Hogan Knows Best parody. It isn’t good. You could at least try to get a manly looking woman to play Brooke Hogan. I just didn’t buy it. Maybe I’m just a parody snob.

Finally, we come to the low point of the evening, Holy Rosary with Mother Angelica. I will try to become hypnotized by the creepy monotone nun chanting. Keep watching to see how that works out.

“Blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus” has been said about 400 times in the last 5 minutes. Repetition is a technique used in mind control, is it not? It also helps you sleep. How popular do you think a “counting sheep” show would be? You wouldn’t need those Tylenol PM anymore, you addict.

Whew, I made it through without having my soul stolen my Mother Angelica. She would swallow it whole, without any water to wash it down.

It is time to rank the shows, from best to worst. Here we go!

1. Barrera de Armor
2. Shalom Scripture Studies
3. PM Style
4. America’s Funniest Home Videos
5. Waiting to Exhale
6. WWE Monday Night Raw
7. Olivet United Methodist
8. Holy Rosary with Mother Angelica

Yuck, what a terrible night of television! Thanks, James Gunn, for the torture. Despite his cruelty, make sure to pick up a copy of Slither when it comes out on DVD this October 24th.