To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything! Julie Newmar is the one about the drag queens in a conservative Midwestern town, not the one about the drag queens in the desert. I’m glad we could clear that up.

I am preparing myself for a disturbingly large amount of butt cheeks. Drag queens seem to love the butt cheeks.

The movie starts off with the crowning of the Drag Queen of the Year. Which movie had the Pimp of the Year awards? Was it Superfly? Somebody help me out here.

The movie stars Wesley Snipes and Patrick Swayze. Let us take a look at their careers post To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything! Julie Newmar.

Wesley Snipes was in Money Train, The Fan, One Night Stand, and US Marshals. Then he gave up all hope and got pigeon holed into the Blade movies. He has been working though, so good for him.

Now it is Swayze’s turn. Ummmm, Black Dog, Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights, and more films I have never heard of.

Winner, Wesley Snipes. Sorry, Swayze. Black Dog is no Road House.

Snipes and Swayze tied for the Drag Queen of the Year, and they get to fly to California for some contest. Instead, they are selling their plane tickets to go on a road trip with their young Latino protégé. I have a feeling that this road trip will have more crying than Road to Morocco.

I took a quick look at the people on Myspace who named To Wong Foo, Thanks For Everything, Julie Newmar as their favorite movie. Nothing but women and gay men. I can’t say that I am surprised, but it is nice to know what the odds of me enjoying this movie are.

The late Chris Penn pulled over the “girls” and tried to feel up Swayze. He was a little surprised when he found man pipe. So surprised that he died? Huh. That seems like a terrible piece of plot.

A short time after they left Chris Penn in the middle of the road, the car of the queens broke down. Now they are in a “charming” “Midwest” “town.” I challenge all of the things I put into quotes!

This Dove hair care commercial found the ugliest twins in the world for their commercial. It doesn’t look like they were doing it on purpose either.

Oh no, it will take a few days to fix their car! They will have to learn something about the people in this town, and visa versa. And Chris Penn isn’t really dead. Well, Chris Penn is dead, but he isn’t dead. Hmmm, how can I make you understand?

The Latino “girl” almost got molested by a bunch of hicks, the family that the “girls” are staying with has an abusive husband, but Snipes is having a good time with a deaf old women who collects movie memorabilia. Silver lining? No. Just whip cream on top of a steaming pile of human waste.

The “girls” are giving the girls makeovers. To celebrate, Sniped grabs some redneck nuts and tried to make peanut butter out of them. That is a rather odd way to celebrate.

The drag queens are certainly not making this town better. Maybe once they stop all the wife beating, then they will have done some good. Until then, they’re just wasting time.

If I want a quirkily small town comedy, I’ll watch Local Hero, thanks. Fans of Northern Exposure and Everwood would like Local Hero. Give it a try!

Swayze just beat up the wife beater. But there is still half an hour left of this “movie.” I guess I’ll continue to “watch.”

The “girls” are like a bunch of cupids that lift weights. Everyone in town is in love. Except for the men who got beat up by the “girls.” They are certainly not in love. Unless they love a velvety soft hand punching their face.

Chris Penn rode in to town, demanding the drag queens come out. He is really mad. He can’t leave well enough alone. The townsfolk pulled a Spartacus though. Everyone is claiming to be a drag queen. That happened a bit too quickly. Two days can turn an uptight Midwestern town into an open minded city of drag lovers? That’s fast work. Big business could use a few go getters like this.

Why don’t we have any drag queens for president? If this movie teaches me one thing, it is that drag queens are a cure all to life’s ails. Hurt elbow? Drag queens. Finance trouble? Drag queens. Benevolent dictator? Drag queens.

If this movie teaches me two things, it is that Patrick Swayze will never be taken seriously again.

Look for Patrick Swayze in The Fox and the Hound 2 this November. Seriously, he is in The Fox and the Hound 2.