On Big Brother 7: All-Stars tonight, we find out which self proclaimed “all-stars” were voted into the Big Brother house. Forget that we already know who got voted in, because of the wonderful internet. Let us pretend that it is a surprise.

Four girls were just announced. Janelle, Nakomis, Diane, and Erika. I don’t remember seeing any of these girls before. They have decided to share the big quadruple bed. You can actually hear the producers pumping their fists.

The next four guys are Howie, who is talking about the “all-star boobies” in the house, Kaysar, and two other guys.

My favorite part of this show? The names of the players are displayed at the bottom of the screen. This is how all shows on TV should be.

Evil Will, Danielle, Marcellas, Alison, “Chicken” George, and Mike “Boogie” are also in the house. Seriously, America? Mike? Didn’t you read that I called him a poser?

Alison and Erika hate each other. Will and Mike are already scheming. George is alienating himself by calling himself Snoop “Chicken” George and then rapping. Oh George.

The Big Brother players are going to compete for the head of household spot. The head of household gets to nominate players that are put of for eviction. They also get a private bedroom. But, in a huge twist (note my sarcasm, please), there will be two heads of household. Yawn.

The head of household competition consists of trying to knock people off of a slow moving merry-go-round with an asteroid. Why an asteroid? Why not an asteroid?

The two heads of household need to agree on which two houseguests they want to nominate for eviction, or else their own heads go up on the chopping block.

There is a guy named Jase? That sounds like a mistake.

People are scheming in whispers. It all seems boring and petty. I had forgotten how much talking there was in this show. We aren’t going to see any explosions, except for emotional explosions.

Ooooo, Alison and Danielle both got their backsides handed to them. They were trying to “play” everyone right out of the gate, but they are the ones who got played!

Whatever, I already stopped caring.