Wendy Wu: Homecoming Warrior is described as “a popular teen learns she is the reincarnation of a Chinese warrior who must save the world from an evil villain.”

From my first impressions, Wendy is privileged and bitchy. Wendy and, oh my god, someone else is running for homecoming queen? The nerve! That there should be a democracy. I’m sorry that we can’t all be communists, Wendy.

Wendy’s mother needs to put together a museum exhibit on ancient Chinese pottery. Everyone needs to stop and pay attention to Wendy! Wendy is super important! I can’t wait until she finds out that she is an ancient warrior. How big can her head get?

The museum night watchman accepted an evil box from a delivery guy. At least, I think it was evil. Things that glow green are normally evil. Kermit? So evil. It wasn’t easy being evil.

A monk has come to awaken the warrior within Wendy. She is hesitant. If anyone comes to your door offering to awaken your warrior, you accept. Always.

Oh no, the evil green went into the night watchman’s eyes. Now he can only make Frankenstein monster noises. Oh no, now Wendy’s brother is infected with green evil! All because they made eye contact. That is why I stare at the ground constantly. That, and pennies.

The fight scenes in this made for TV Disney movie are better than anything Van Damme has ever done. The monk is trying to protect Wendy’s soul or spirit or something from her brothers’ balls. You heard me.

Oh no! Now the dog is evil!

Wendy’s grandmother is pretty excited that her granddaughter is a warrior. I could tell because of what her subtitles said.

In stark contrast to the fight scenes, the soccer scenes are terrible. Worse than actually watching real soccer. I’m kidding, I enjoy watching soccer.

Legend this, legend that, ancient this, ancient that. Wendy is starting to believe. It would have been easier if Wendy just believed the monk when he came to the door. Release the warrior! That would be a great soft drink slogan, if it didn’t make me think of hairy men. But what doesn’t make me think of hairy men?

The monk really wants Wendy to wear his medallion. Maybe that will mean they are going out.

“Temple and school are just places.” Those words are so true and wise! No wonder the Chinese invented fortune cookies, which they actually didn’t.

Time for training means time for a montage.

There was a subplot, meaning time filler, about getting an A in some class. And it is over. Time to get on to getting ready for homecoming! That isn’t kung fu. Rats.

Grandma misses China when she “hears something, or sees something, or smells something.” Thank goodness she is deaf, blind, and has no nose.

Now Wendy is taking the monk to the mall! Outrageous! I’d like to think that he wouldn’t put up with the crap, if Wendy weren’t a reincarnated warrior. Or if he had a girlfriend.

The talking is getting to be a little much. It has been going on for a good 45 minutes. You had so much promise with your well choreographed fight scenes, Wendy Wu: Homecoming Warrior. Then you fell harder than a fat man on roller skates in a giant frying pan full of marbles.

Wendy just broke up with her boyfriend, who turned out to be much shallower than her. It turns out Wendy is in love with the monk. Too bad he is dancing with another girl. Feeling spurned, Wendy took off her protective necklace! She is no longer protected from peoples balls! Tee hee, I made the same sort of joke again.

The monk is stealing all of Wendy’s teachers, as she feels more comfortable training from them than old dead guys. The monk comes at the theaters like a cold and calculated serial killer. That would be a fun twist, if he were eating everyone that Wendy knew. I could care less if it made sense right now.

Wendy won homecoming queen! I bet the king will be her ex, who will be full of green evil! I’m predicting it!

Green evil, in the shape of Wendy’s homecoming rival, just brought a bunch of clay warriors to life. Wendy has decided she wants to be homecoming queen more than she wants to defeat evil. Given the choice, what would you do? Get drunk on Bartles & Jaymes and hide in the basement? Me too!

Rats, the green stayed in the form of Wendy’s rival. I was wrong about her ex, and I apologize.

In the middle of Wendy’s big fight, her grandmother showed up with an outfit change. That makes sense. I’m just complaining because it stopped the action scene for a second. It has started back up again. Quit talking to me!

All the broken clay warriors turned into the large clay ancient evil green guy. It isn’t over. It made sense to the reincarnated monk, who said “I was wondering why I survived this time.” That is pretty fantastic.

Evil was defeated and the monk can stay to be Wendy’s boyfriend. Little does he know that a life of being dressed up in malls lies ahead of him. Poor monk, who’s name I never caught.