Actor, director, and writer James Gunn has chosen my TV watching schedule for tonight. You may recognize his name from the writing credits on Dawn of the Dead, Tromeo and Juliet, or Slither. He also was the man behind the camera on both Tromeo and Juliet and Slither. He even starred in Lollilove with his wife and The Office star, Jenna Fischer.

As the writer of Dawn of the Dead, except for the scene where the girls runs off to save her dumb dog, James Gunn has a very good handle on horror. The weak hearted may want to turn away now, as the rest behold the horror that is the TV schedule Jameshas picked out. I will be changing channels every fifteen minutes between bad, bad, and worse programs.

First up tonight is 15 minutes of Waiting to Exhale. Since James’ Celebrity Remote had to be pushed back a week, he orignally had me watching something else on BET. BET is BET. That would be a terrible slogan.

Some lady is visiting another lady. She is sad so they drink wine and hold hands under the night sky in the desert. Why do people live in the desert? Water is important. Frank Herbert was well aware of that.

Now there is a man visiting another woman! All men are up to no good, ladies. Oh, it’s okay. He is gay now. You aren’t in any danger, ladies.

Continue reading Celebrity Remote: James Gunn…

First Everwood was winning. Then the ears of the Veronica Mars fans perked up. But, at the last moment, Nicole came in and sponsored this Alias viewing. Remember, boys and girls, if there are more than 2000 votes for a viewing slot, it can not be sponsored. If you don’t want the all mighty dollar to rule the day, tell your friends to vote. And don’t say it won’t happen, because the vote has been over 1000 before.

Is everything cleared up? Good. Time for Alias.

The last thing I remember is Syd getting caught trying to steal something. Or breaking free and getting caught. Or I don’t know. Maybe I don’t remember anything. Let’s continue.

Oh yeah, Syd found a nuclear ball, and then had a gun pointed at her head last time. No problem. Just juggle the deadly ball, kick the bad guy a bunch of times, and then catch the ball.

This all makes her term paper very late. Remember she is in college. You can’t tell the prof that you were killing people even if that is the reason for the late paper. Well, you can. You can do anything. It will just get you locked up. Three square meals and a place to sleep. Sign me up!

SD6, the bad guys, are trying to figure out what the Sigur Rós symbol the Syd stole is for. This was a relic of Milo Rambaldi, a prophet or an architect or something.

Syd’s new goal is to obtain a Rambaldi document from some German fellow. Not to leap into the future, but this is probably the mythical page 47. Anywho, there is computer code written on these pages. Written in the 1400s. I think Rambaldi is a computer that went back in time. An Apple 2gs, perhaps.

Now we are off to Madrid. Some gal named Ana Espinosa is there. I don’t know what her deal is yet. I do know she is “dangerous.” Hah, what woman isn’t? Am I right? Give me your high fives, gentlemen!

Marshall, the gadget guy, sure has a lot of good toys. Q can choke on his false teeth, the old fool.

Ah ha, Anna and Syd are trying to get the same sheet of Rambaldi paper. They are working for different evil companies. Anna is evil for real though. She got the paper, and now Syd finally kicked off her high heals to run after her. She should use those roller skate shoes. No she shouldn’t, unless they had jets on the back.

Anna kicked Syd’s butt! Syd has a couple of seasons to get better though. I mean, she can’t be all super awesome from the start. How is that for a string of well written sentences?

Anywho, Syd ended up with the secret document. That is all that matters.

Syd is having a poker party with her non-spy friends. One of them stumbled on to the fact that a traffic cam was pointed at Danny’s, Syd’s dead boyfriend’s, apartment. Snooping is a good way to get killed. Keep that in mind the next time you Google somebody.

Snoopy friend and Syd kissed. It was a little weird. Danny’s body isn’t even cold.

Ah ha, Syd stole the Rambaldi document, but it is locked in a box. Evil Anna has the key. Syd’s dad, a game theorist, thinks the best option would be to help each other out and share. Game theory is interesting. For example, I theorize that Tetris is fun. That isn’t actually what game theory is. I am a liar.

Both evil societies are sending Syd and Anna to meet in the middle of a football field with snipers all around, in case anything goes wrong. This had better not turn into Any Given Sunday or Jerry Maguire.

The box is open, something is making a creepy crawly sound, Anna and Syd look surprised, and the end. The end? This is just like 24! There is no good place to stop watching! But I will hold off, until Alias wins again.

Hogan Knows Best is on the E! clone, VH1. I can’t say that I am disappointed in VH1. Anything is better than adult contemporary music videos.

The Hulkster’s son, Nick, just got his driving permit. Also Hulk’s daughter, Brooke, is trying to get a record deal. Brooke looks extremely mannish at times. That’s what you want in your female pop stars. Every generation needs a Liza.

Brooke is upset that the last picture in her press kit montage makes her look fat. She should worry more about her chin. You could fill that in with a little Silly Putty.

The Hulk is trying to turn his daughter on to country music. That’s fun and naïve.

Hulk and daughter are going to the wellness center to get needles in their arms full of vitamins. What’s wrong with a vitamin pill? Are pills just for poor people now?

I don’t see how Brooke sounds different from any other artist in the world. I mean, obviously she is different from Johnny Cash. Quit being so literal.

Will Brooke sign with a record label? Let me see if I can find any clues that would help me. The title of the episode is Brooke Signs A Record Deal. Hmmm. There is a clue in there, I just know it.

Oh, she signed a deal. Surprise!

This is the first time I have been forced to watch Simple Life: Till Death Do Us Part. I’ve been doing this for five months, and I have never been forced to watch it! What changed, people? You were doing so good with your voting!

Paris and Nicole must take care of toddlers this week. They will never have children themselves, of course, since they are too skinny to ovulate. Awww, snap! Did you hear that snap, Paris Hilton? You are ugly and similar to a stick!

Paris is trying to get the kids to eat. That’s hard for her, since she doesn’t know how to eat herself. Awww, snap again! You see, you can turn any sentence into a snap, as long as you actually say “snap” after it. It’s a neat trick.

Now Paris must take a bath with the kid, because he is too small to bathe by himself. He did what anyone would do if they were taking a bath with Paris Hilton. He pooped. Snap?

Now is as good a time as ever to tell you that I miss Doctor Who on Fridays. Come back soon, please.

Nicole and Paris must throw the toddlers a party. Paris has decided to throw the boys a princess party. It sounds like the party is really for the boys, and not for her stuck up self.

Oh, Nicole is taking a joyride with daddy on his hog. The kids have been left alone in the house. How can these people be real?

Paris Hilton actually gets uglier in direct proportion to how much makeup she puts on. That’s an anomaly if I have ever heard of one.

Did you know that this show is on for another season? God help us all. Help us all fit this rope around our collective necks.

The Colbert Report has caused quite a stir today. Apparently, he gave Washington D.C. Senator Eleanor Holmes Norton quite a hard time. It’s time to watch it and throw in my own opinion.

Stephen Colbert keeps getting better and better. You think he’d plateau and then start loosing fans at some point, but he just keeps gaining more respect and clout. It’s impressive to watch. Oh, and hilarious. He is very funny. In fact, he is delightful. Wait, I didn’t just say that.

My favorite commercial! Yippie! BOO CREEPY FOOT DOCTOR! That will actually make me buy some Red Stripe tomorrow. Good work, advertisers.

The Eleanor Holmes Norton interview was just as funny as when I watched it the other two times today. You can’t quite tell if Norton isn’t getting the joke, or if she is playing along. My first instinct is to say she was genuinely annoyed by Colbert. It’s more fun thinking that, anyway. Bravo to Colbert for his quick wit. He deserves all the praise he gets.

Joe Quesada, Editor-in-Chief of Marvel Comics, is tonight’s guest. Editor-in-Chief. That makes me think of an Indian who ate an editor. It is even in halted English as Indians were portrayed in black and white movies. “How. You looking for pale face with eye windows? Editor in chief.” It was a long way to get to that punch line. Thanks for sticking around.

Here’s a tip. I am full of tips, by the way. Anyway, the tip. If you see a movie preview that only uses single words from reviews like “cool” or “sexy,” the movie is no good. The reviewers could easily have been saying, “This movie is in no way cool. The lead actors as about as far from sexy as you can get.” Do you see? Live and learn.

With Meerkat Manor tying What I Like About You, it isn’t hard to see why I turned my back on the terrible What I Like About You. Let’s get our animal reality show on!

Flower is the head of the Whiskers family. I hope Jase gets voted out. I mean…what do I mean?

Last episode, a bunch of the clan Whiskers tried to slip away from Flower’s control. Flower caught them all, there was probably a fight, and now everyone is saying sorry to Flower.

Meerkats love millipedes! Ben and Jerry could make a fortune selling Y2K:The New Millipedia ice cream to meerkats.

Meerkat Daisy, who likes to sleep around with meerkats from other families, is pregnant. That won’t make Flower happy. She has a very simple rule. Only she can have babies.

I saw meerkats at the zoo last weekend. I also fed a giraffe a cracker. I also had some ice cream. It was a big day.

Daisy was forced to give birth away from the Whiskers home. If she gave birth at the den, Flower might have killed the babies. In the middle of the night, Daisy was persuaded to move her pups home. She only moved two, and then called it a night, thus killing the rest. Maybe Flower was right. The other gals shouldn’t have pups. Not if she is going to metaphorically drown them in a bathtub.

Did I just say a meerkat was right? That seems like an odd thing to say. If I start taking advice from my cats, please help me.

I don’t trust anyone who uses the word “delightful.” Nothing is ever “delightful.”

Hah, Daisy thought Flower and the rest went off to find her some food. It turns out they were just moving their den and leaving Daisy. That’s cruel and interesting. Awww, now Daisy left her pups to find the rest of the family. Flower is one mean mother…shut your mouth…I’m just talking `bout Flower…then I can dig it. Dig a new den, that is. I’ll leave you with that.

Welcome to the show that I have grown to love, Supernatural. Do you want proof that I love the show? I remember the main character’s names! They are Sam and Dean! I am so proud of myself.

Sam just dreamt about a man who got killed by his car and garage. Sometimes Sam’s dreams come true. Like this time! When the brothers finally get to the mystery man’s house, it is too late. He had been gassed. If your garage ever shuts and also your car starts without you and then the doors lock and also your key snaps off, break out your damn windows!

To get the family of the victim to talk, Sam and Dean dressed as Catholic priests. Don’t worry, they understand that it is wrong. But the garage is killing people. That can’t continue.

Did you know that the balding teenage son found his father in the garage? The receding hairline makes me think he had something to do with it.

Sam and Dean, or Sean as I will now call them, didn’t find anything wrong with the house. No sensor readings or anything.

Oh, hey. Another tip? If your window is mysteriously unlocking itself and opening? Don’t stick your head outside of it to see what is going on. You know that thing is going to come crashing down.

Sean is off to go save Roger Miller, the dead fellow’s brother, from his windowy fate. Yeah, I used windowy as an adjective. Deal with it.

The boys Sean showed up in time to try and stop Roger, but he wouldn’t believe them. Thus, windowy fate occurs.

The balding teenage son named Max seems scared of the family’s old house. The father and brother lived next door to each other, and took turns beating on Max. His step mother watched it all happen too. So Sam gets another one of his visions of Max levitating a knife and flying it through is step mother’s head.

This all leads me back to my earlier point. Never trust a balding teenager.

Sean got there just in time to stop Max from murdering his mother with a knife. But he got freaked out when he saw a gun in Dean’s back pocket. Never bring a gun to a knife fight. Wait, that’s not right.

There is still a large chunk of the show left. Sam, who was having the visions, is trying to talk Max out of killing more people. This seems like a lot of heart to heart for Supernatural. Is this one of those episodes that isn’t so great?

Max’s real mom? She died when Max was a baby. She died in his nursery. She was burnt up. While pinned to the ceiling. There is something fishy about that, but I’m not sure what.

Max just shot Dean through the head. In Sam’s vision, of course. Now Sam will use his new found telekinesis to bust free and stop Max. Hooray! Oh, but Max swung the floating gun around and shot himself in the head. Boo. He was a showoff anyway. I mean, the gun didn’t really need to be floating, did it? It’s a gun. It shoots.

The last 15 minutes of the show was just wrap up. Meh, that wasn’t the best episode. There was a good bit of scary violence, but the rest was a bit whiney. Do better next week, Supernatural.

More Big Brother 7: All-Stars? Granted, it is one of the few things this summer that isn’t a rerun. Alright, alright. I hear what you’re saying. We’ll do it your way.

Last episode I saw was Chicken George and Doctor Will, my two favorite characters…I mean…players on a reality TV show, being put up for eviction. Chicken George pulled through like a trooper and won the power of veto. Taking himself off of the chopping block, Jase was put on his place. You remember Jase, right? The guy with the fake sounding name? Who would marry a Jase?

Jase and Will both made speeches about how they wanted to go. Both of them were lying, but Jase was just copying Will. The only good copy cat is that cat that was painting a pie chart in that one commercial. Do you remember that adorable commercial? Everyone loves animals that do human things. Need more proof? Mr. Ed. Hey, did you know that Mr. Ed was actually a zebra? It’s true!

The plague of the 21st century is the reality TV results show. Reality TV is just fine. It’s cheap to produce. There is lots of drama. If done right, it can be very entertaining. But think of how much time you would have back if you never watched a single results show! That’s about a month of your life! Sure, I didn’t use actual math to come to that conclusion, but it sure sounds like it might possibly sort of be true!

I was a vegetarian for a year just to prove to myself that I could do it. Do you think that attitude has something to do with letting people make me watch TV?

With a vote of 9 to 0, Jase got the boot. Damn, how can Doctor Will keep doing that? Don’t people understand that he is dangerous? He already won once with his tricks! Get it through your heads! Of course, I’d be sad to see him go.

Jase keeps saying he got “backdoored.” Backdoored? Man, I hate Jase.

It is time once again for the ever boring Head of Household competition. The houseguests are buzzing in and saying which word’s definition contains a certain other word. I was on the edge of my chair the whole time! You just can’t understand how exciting that was to watch! That was not a waste of time in the least! If I could watch anything all day for the rest of my life, it would be that.

Oh yeah, some girl with a name that starts with “J” won the Head of Household competition. I don’t care. It’s easier not to care. Then you don’t get hurt.