Since time slot winner Plastic Surgery Obsession has been moved to 1am, Supernanny has taken command of the 8pm hour as the first runner up. Thank goodness it beat out a second hour of 7th Heaven.

Remember when I said One Tree Hill had the worst theme song? I was wrong.

I am starting to think that any family with twins is damned to destruction and strife. Are you having twins? Always put one up for adoption. Then prick the one you keep with a pin every so often, just to mess with the other one. They can feel everything the other feels, right?

The Larmer family has 4 screaming kids who like to hit and bounce all over. No physical features to make fun of on the parents. Nothing glaring at least. Hold on, the husband has huge ears and Billy Bob teeth. Now I feel better. Oh, and the wife has a tattoo of a rose on the inside of her left breast. That was a good decision.

The mother doesn’t let the kids out in the backyard too much. You know, because they will get dirty. Maybe she should have though of that before she brought 4 children into the world. She must have been shocked that having the first kid was such a messy process, but she knew what was coming with the other 3.

Grandma doesn’t like to have the kids over because they get their sticky fingers into everything. The grandmother’s voice sounds like a man.

Now the parents are fighting with each other in front of the kids. And the nanny. Oooo, swears too. That is some fine parenting, expanding their children’s vocab like that.

The husband’s left ear sticks out about an inch more than his right ear. A strong wind would spin him around in circles.

The parents have put locks and gates everywhere, to contain the children. Which is actually just laziness. If there were gates for the purposes of a ball pit, that would be fantastic. It is not though.

The mother picks up the children and yells in their face to discipline them, like an ogre without the eating.

On an unrelated note, I do not trust people who walk with their hands clasped behind them. They are up to something nefarious.

Smart move, nanny. She let the children play with washable finger paints outside. It’s dirty, and it can be washed. Do you get that, rose boob? Dirt and paint come off, unlike terrible tattoos.

The mother is trying to sound less like an ogre. It is hilarious, because when she says something nice it sounds terribly sarcastic. Example, like, “that was a fantastic job, Justine.”

Healing has begun between grandmother and mother, locks are coming off the doors, tornados are occurring. Oh, that’s just a local tornado warning. If you live in Fergus Falls, Minnesota, you should be hiding in your basement right now. If you don’t live there, or the time is not right now, please ignore. So 100% of the people reading this can ignore that warning.

Forgiving someone consisted of a, “S’all right, babe.” It’s so heartfelt, it makes me want to cry more than a crashed car full of puppies. Why were those puppies driving a car?

It is time for the nanny to leave, and the parents to revert to their old selves. Then the nanny comes back and tells them that they aren’t doing anything right again. That will be a fun 15 minutes to watch. I wonder what will happen! Oh, just what I said will happen.

Mom locked the kids outside while she cleaned. She locked them outside with the kiddie pool. Did you know that a child can drown in just enough water to cover their mouth and nose? That’s not a tip on how to drown children, mind you.

Nanny came in to solve everything for a second time. It is too bad that the third time is the charm. Not that I want to see more of this show. I have had enough of it. I want to see Supernanny crush a bullet with her eyeball. Or vice-versa. Whatever.

7th Heaven is stupid. Yes, I am bias against 7th Heaven. And that is why I will eat ribs while watching it. Because there is nothing grosser than watching someone eat ribs. Yeah, take that, voters!

The show starts off with some girl betting visited by her dead grandmother who tells here she will have many children. What is her name? I don’t know.

I just came up with a brilliant idea! Like subtitles, you should be able to turn on little floating name tags for characters. Then anyone who is unfamiliar with the show can easily jump into the episode. A popup family tree would be nice too.

One CW commercial.

Talky dad and whiney blonde son are jabbering on the phone. Something about lies and weddings and more. All I heard was, “whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!” That is the sound of a small child crying. Crying for his bottle. His bottle being…what, exactly? I didn’t think of a good example. I wish I were from the South.

There are too many characters in this show. Even if I could care about one of them, they don’t give me the time to. I will concentrate on the pregnant girl who doesn’t think she is pregnant and sees her dead grandmother. I will call her Samanthabeth. There is a chance her real name might be in there somewhere. You might need to scramble the letters around a little bit.

Two CW commercials.

I don’t want to concentrate on Samanthabeth. I don’t want to concentrate on anybody. Especially mothers and daughters “hanging” in the laundry room drinking root beer floats.

People are looking for Samanthabeth because some crazy rich woman wants to give money to unwed mothers only if Samanthabeth heads up the institution. Samanthabeth is off to the doctor to get a pregnancy test. Or a strep test. I don’t know the difference. The doctor may have been giving me pregnancy tests every time I had a sore throat. What were all of those hormone treatments for?

Whiney boy and annoying girl sure are having an annoyingly whiney conversation about their past sexual partners. Nothing makes sex less sexy than saying “sexual partner.”

Three CW commercials.

I don’t know how much more mother/daughter bonding I can take. I wish I had more than two wrists.

Samanthabeth is seeing her dead grandmother in the waiting room of the doctor’s office. You think dead people would have more interesting things to talk about than knitting.

One episode of 7th Heaven feels like a mini-series. If you don’t know what that feels like, it is equivalent to 10 years in federal prison. I know you understand what that is like.

Four CW commercials.

Samanthabeth is pregnant. The end. Come one, the end already! Show me the credits! Roll them! The end! Get to the end! End it! End this show! End already! Please end! Quit talking and end! Fade to black. Stop! Just stop! Stop now!

In a grand showing this week, Alias fans came out in force to support their favorite show. Everwood and Veronica Mars were both left in the dust.

And so it starts, episode one of season one. The flashing screen explains that I am, indeed, watching Alias.

Sydney starts out being drown by some Asian fellows. The next thing you know, she is in college. How time flies when…oh…now she is being proposed to. None of this has to do with kicking butt.

Wow, Syd’s dad is a jerk. Her boyfriend called to ask permission to marry her, and he was none to pleased. He was even rude about it. Remember how the Olson twins said, “How wude” on Full House all the time? I bet they still say it, when they aren’t falling through grates in the floor.

We are meeting the cast of characters at Syd’s mysterious job. Marshall is a stuttering nerd, showing Syd all the neat toys she will get to use. She is going somewhere to look at something. I’ll know more when they show me instead of telling me.

Also, Syd is showing internal conflict on her face. She also turned up the music loud, stripped down, and took a shower with her fiancé. Why? To tell him that she is in the CIA. He didn’t react too well.

Flash forward, I think, to a chubby Asian man sticking Syd with a needle full of colorful stuff. That must be the worst Asian buffet in the world!

Syd totally isn’t going to marry the guy who proposed to her. Unless she does and he blows up or something. I’ve only seen the beginning and end of this series. There are years of gaps in between. I guess things could happen in that gap.

Syd’s fiancé is drunk dialing her machine while she is out doing super spy work. Someone in monitoring the call, of course. Syd wasn’t supposed to tell anyone that she was a super spy for the CIA. Now her boss will be upset.

With photographic proof in hand, Syd made it out just in time. She had to make up some Tennessee Williams brand acting to fool some people, but it worked out alright.

Oh, and her fiancé is dead. She shouldn’t have told him. This isn’t like Fight Club were you can sort of tell about Fight Club. The CIA killed him, to keep their secrecy. That is pretty hard core. Yuck, let me think of a better phrase than that. That is pretty…far out? No, that’s worse. Forget it.

Back to the future, where the slightly plump Asian fellow is threatening to yank out red haired Syd’s teeth. I bet the CIA has a good dental plan. They can do wonderful things with dental reconstruction these days. Just make sure they don’t fill all of your teeth with cyanide. Then you could never eat Grape Nuts again.

Now Syd is being chased. It turns out she doesn’t work for the CIA at all. She has been lied to. She works for an enemy of the US. Also, her dad, he doesn’t not work for the not CIA too. That won’t make any sense. Anyway, he came to her rescue from the good men that are actually bad men.

It looks like Syd has set out on her own to steal the thing she photographed on the previous mission. Can you imagine what it would be like if Ansel Adams stole the things he took pictures off? He would be the greatest spy in history! Except, he wouldn’t be in history, if he were a great spy. They stay hidden, like ninjas with toys.

So Syd is stealing this thinger that looks like the Sigur Rós symbol to piss off her former employers. Not that they weren’t already pissed off. I mean, they did try to kill her.

Look at that, a ton of action! J.J. Abrams brings movie action to television.

Wait, Syd just gave the thing she stole to the good guys that are the bad guys. Why would she do such a thing? Oh, I think I see. She is going to the CIA. Probably to try and infiltrate the bad guys. Spies will always try to outspy other spies. Spies like us.

Syd’s father is a double agent for the CIA too. That turned out nice and rosy.

Not a bad beginning, overall. I might have my wife interested in the show too. Don’t get me wrong, Alias fans. I’m not converted yet. You hold on.

I am well aware that Monk is a good show. I just never watch it. There a lot of things I should do. Like read more. That doesn’t mean it’s going to happen.

A land developer just killed an environmentalist. Ahhh, the American dream.

Monk is an obsessive compulsive detective. Now you know everything you need to know about the show. And now, we watch.

The land developer accidentally knocked the environmentalist’s cell phone off. Hey, it’s the same model as his own! Whoops, they got switched. Maybe he should spend more time developing his social skills instead of land. Then he wouldn’t have to hit people over the head with pipes. Or pay for loving.

The dump truck carrying the VW Bug of the dead hippie just passed Monk on the road. The land developer is now tipping it out the back on to the freeway, so it looks like the granola lover crashed his car. Don’t dump a car in front of Monk.

Bad-at-talking-to-people-land-developer figured out he accidentally switched phones. Back to the scene of the crime!

Monk already figured out that it wasn’t an accident because of all of these little things. Monk makes me feel stupid. But he is interesting, so it is okay.

Oh, and the cops aren’t listening to Monk. Obviously. It’s like all the fairy tales where you should pay attention to those ugly people.

Land developer strangled an EMT to steal their outfit, so he can get in close and steal his phone back from the nature boy body. Even if you are not Monk, you wouldn’t want to touch a filthy hippie body. Did you know that they bathe in leaves and drink leaves? They also marry leaves.

Regardless, the land developer in EMTs clothing got wrangled into treating Monk’s friend, who has a hurt wrist. Your parents never told you the story of the land developer in EMTs clothing? You are obviously not a true fan of the brothers Grimm.

Did I mention this was all happening in a traffic jam, since the accident blocked traffic? Korn’s tour bus is trapped in traffic as well. That is not one of my funny jokes. It is part of the show.

Monk’s partner jumped into the dump truck to look for proof that it dumped the VW Bug. Then it started driving away. Trucks can be jumped from. That plot point is unacceptable.

Land developer is chasing down the ambulance in the dump truck. And now the cop believes Monk. Off they go Monk and the officer, into a car chase. Monk does some crazy unsafe stuff to save his partner. Like hanging out a car window to shoot the hydraulic lift of the dump truck.

I enjoyed that hour of television. Overall, it has been a pleasant night of television. I’ll see you all Sunday, for some TV on DVD watching.

Unless you have something better to do on the weekend. No, that just is not possible.

Lobstermen: Jeopardy at Sea barely beat out the WB’s What I Like About You in votes tonight. Thank you for saving me, Lobstermen. I will make a sacrifice in your honor. What would you sacrifice to a Lobsterman? Lemon wedges?

North Atlantic Lobstermen go hundreds of miles out to sea during the harsh winter weather. I have a feeling that we aren’t going to see any Lobstermen playing Jeopardy. It’s a good thing I didn’t make that “Go Lobstermen! Win At Jeopardy” foam finger.

The Lobstermen sail out to Georgia’s Bank, an underwater mountain range where lobsters gather. Probably to form jug bands.

Captain Bro and Captain Moore leave on separate boats from the same port. They are rivals, as they’re both trying to get the big pay day. This isn’t like Twister, where there is no such thing as rival storm chasers.

Newcomer, Captain Christopher, is coming out from another port. He needs a bit of Lobstermen hazing. Like rubber banding his wang to his leg.

After going 200 miles in 24 hours, Captain Bro makes it to Georgia’s Bank at 5am. They start pulling up traps from their one mile of line. These Lobstermen could make $10,000 a piece in this one week. That’s a nice haul. Not as good as dealing heroin, but pretty nice.

Awww, Stevie. He is the “greenest” member of the crew. He messed up and could have been pulled overboard. You know, to death. Your parents didn’t tell you this, but Death waits in the sea for anyone to come in. Never go into the sea. Death is always ready for a pain picnic.

Newcomer Captain Christopher arrives more than a day later. His son had basketball tryouts, so he had to be there. That should interrupt a payday. It turns out that most of his traps are probably gone too. The other Lobstermen don’t respect Christopher too much. Heck, I don’t respect him. But that’s because I heard he plays games of chance and is know to talk with loose women.

Scooter, the cook, has been fired a couple of times. When he is on land, he tends to drink a lot. He’s just trying to get more liquid into himself. He wants to be closer to the sea.

Newcomer’s traps suck. He gets one lobster, zero lobsters, two lobsters. He must have taken a book out of the library on how to be a Lobsterman. Or he read an Encyclopedia Brown mystery about it.

Crews generally sleep about 4 hours a night. What do they have to wake up to? Bait bags full of sand fleas. They’ll eat bait, lobsters, anything. The sea is full of terrible things! Don’t let beautiful mermaids fool you either. They are all communists.

Newbie spent 4 hours dragging the bottom for his lost lines. He got nothing. It could have been caused by a squid troller sweeping by with a net. Or it could be sabotage! Listen, all y’all. It’s sabotage.

Captain Bro found the newbie’s line 50 miles away. 50 miles! That must be the work of a giant evil lobster! What does he have cooking for the human race?

In two days, Captain Bro has caught 10,000 pounds of lobster. Let us hope that someone is out catching some I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter Spray.

Newbie is looking for his fourth lost line. What a loser. There are losers in every line of business. Are there losers in the candy business? Yes. What did I just say?

Supernatural starts off confusingly in a dark house with a tied up girl and possibly our main character holding a knife. Flash back to one week earlier. Really. It said “one week earlier.”

Two guys with dark hair and medium weight darkish jackets are taking a road trip together. They’re not giving me much to differentiate between them yet. Nicknames will have to come later.

One of the guy’s friend’s friend is charged with murder. He read so on his palm pilot. Fine fine fine, names. There is Sam, who I assume has magic powers even thought I have seen nothing that would make me think that. Damn, I already forgot the other guy’s name. He’s a detective. I’ll call him Dick.

I think a girl is being followed by a demon. Or a guy with glowing eyes. I guess I’m showing bigotry towards people with glowing eyes. Please accept my apologies. It looks like glowing eyes can be in two places at once. That’s normal. That’s a normal thing for anybody to do. It has nothing to do with their cursed glowing eyes. Sorry, sorry.

One commercial for the CW network so far tonight.

“Every culture in the world has shape shifter lore.” I really am not up on my shape shifter lore. Unless you’re talking about that one guy on Star Trek: Deep Space Nine. And even then, I’ll deny that I know about it.

The shape shifter is taking the form of certain people, and murdering other people. How do you kill a shape shifter? A silver bullet to the heart. That will solve everything. Especially past due mortgage payments.

The interchangeable crime solving duo broke into a crime scene and they are now crawling around in the sewers. If it’s a shape shifter, how are they going to know it when they see it? It could be that old lady, or that little boy, or that hairdo. The bouffant is killing people!

Surprise surprise surprise surprise surprise. The shape shifter shifted into on of the two crime fighting brother buddies. What a novel plot twist!

Two CW commercials. I can’t wait for the CW to come. It will tell me what to do.

The shape shifter gains all the copied person’s memories, and kind of lets them out unfiltered. That’s an okay twist. I say that without any sarcasm this time. I know, it’s hard to tell. Try and keep up with me.

Shape shifter is hanging out with the friend who had the friend that the brother friends were trying to help. Ummm, maybe if I drew a diagram it would help. Anywho, he’s going to tie up and try to murder this girl. Which is where we joined the episode at the beginning. Remember? It’s one week later now! Hooray!

The lonely shape shifter got away, and we get to see him shape shift. It looks a bit like a hemorrhoid trying to bust through a raw brat. Yeah, now you see what I see. Enjoy that.

Three CW commercials.

The hemorrhoid brat has successfully framed one of the brother friend brothers for the assault of that one girl. Now they are on the run from the law.

Surprise surprise surprise. The shape shifter is now that one girl. He tricked…Sam! I remembered a name! That calls for a reward, like a Hostess brand Cup Cake!

I can’t believe they didn’t try to pull the “no, I’m the real one” crap.

Four CW commercials.

Shape shifter is dead. Brothers friend brothers are having a heart to heart. They’re building character. That’s fair enough.

The show kept things interesting. I’d have to take another look at it to see if it was actually good or not, but it didn’t make me want to eat grass so I could throw up.

Do you like lists of things? Then you just might like the 99 Most Bizarre Self Inflicted Injuries! I’m fortunate to be eating dinner during this viewing. That should be pleasant.

This show contains dramatizations. It also has people on skateboards. This should be grand. Except for the insane pace of 99 items in one hour.

The first eight had to do with losing toes and fingers. The dramatization of an airhead getting her toes cut off by a door was fantastic. Evil Dead amounts of blood came out from under the door. It made me happy.

Number nine, looking in the gas tank with a lighter. It exploded, it was thrown at the forklift, the forklift exploded. You don’t expect forklifts to explode.

Power tools! A nail gun deflected a nail at a worker’s head. It went through his head and curved up towards his eye. Yowza. Another fellow had a nail in his brain.

Cement mixer! This is my kind of list show. This bloke, everyone seems British, fell into a cement mixer.

Who would imagine that a sword swallower might run into trouble? Especially with five swords at once. He pierced his stomach lining. Did he learn his lesson? No. He will continue to swallow swords.

Sports injuries blah blah blah. Forget about that. We’re on to “explosion and fire.” Pulling a prank, an industrial sized firework blew up in somebody’s car. The smart man’s sandals were melted to his feet. Wow! He’s ready for the beach anytime you want!

Now we have a fire eater getting injured. He didn’t get injured eating fire though. He put some of his special eating fuel on the wood in his fireplace. Kaboom!

Trying to burn a snake is one of the injuries? They’re lucky it wasn’t on a plane.

This girl has been in over 25 car accidents in 6 years. All her fault. Why do these people get to live? Seriously, if you have 25 car accidents, you should have your ovaries taken away, let alone your license.

Lots of people get injured by chasing cheese that is going 70 miles per hour down a grassy hill. I guess there is something stupider than getting into 25 car accidents.

There has been just enough time since my last viewing of One Tree Hill to forget everything about it.

How could I not have noticed the first time around that One Tree Hill has the worst opening credits song in history?

The show opened with a dream, that turned out to be the dream of a dream, which turned out to be the dream of a dream of a dream. And so on. Enjoy.

The girls of One Tree Hill had a fantasy draft of all the guys in their…high school? I remember being confused because one of the girls had already been married and divorced. High school? At any rate, the guys have forced the girls to take out the guy they drafted, even if they are someone else’s guy.

I know, sometimes this show makes too much sense.

One CW commercial.

Are the writers for this show mainly men or mainly women? They could easily be either. I prefer to think it’s written by 40 year old men who are playing out their high school fantasies when not stalking young girls on MySpace.

The place where the kids who were married and are now divorced and now are going out on a fantasy date, what, was paved over. Their perfect little field of flowers and confusing memories is gone forever. Boo hoo, everyone needs a Walgreens.

When vandalizing a billboard, your ladder will always fall. Get a clue, TV people.

Shouldn’t The Who not be allowed to sell out, since one of their albums is called The Who Sellout? Your minivan seats fold away? What a “Magic Bus!”

Two CW commercials. They certainly aren’t pimping the CW as much as when the Gilmore Girls are on.

Everyone is having a bad time on their dates, then they’re having a good time. What a brilliant reversal! This show is so well written. Also, poison is better for you than vitamins.

Do all WB shows have to try and teach us lessons? Just entertain me, dammit.

Three CW commercials.

Jeez, more lessons. The last 20 minutes have been spent trying to teach us something. What is it? I’ve put on my biohazard protection suit so as not to be infected by this filth. For those of you watching me on the webcam, the biohazard suit is invisible.

You would think that I might have developed Stockholm Syndrome for the WB by now. It hasn’t happened yet.