I’m in a good mood today, so I will pretend that you are making me watch Gilmore Girls because you love the fan fiction I write about Bland and her daughter 13. Without further ado, here come the Gilmore Girls.

Bland has altered, or bought a new wedding dress, for some secondary character’s wedding. Their wedding is tomorrow, and the character’s mother is of an old fashioned attitude. A woman of Bland’s age can not attend the wedding alone. It screams “tramp,” as the writing of the show says. Golly, will this whole episode be about secondary characters? I hope not, because I don’t have nicknames for these people yet!

The dialog in this show would send David Mamet into a boredom coma. This isn’t how people talk. It isn’t just the missing swear words that are the problem. There is nothing natural about the conversations on Gilmore Girls. It is like a dog with a turtle growing out of its spine. That is not natural.

It seems like all of the girls in town are on secondary character’s bachelorette party. It isn’t going so well because they missed seeing Richard Gere’s John Popper. I say it makes the party better, but to each their own.

With the bachelorette party just a small plotline, we are on to the “wacky” Buddhist wedding. Look at how different they are from us! Can you believe it? Mother and grandmother spent the whole time fighting in another room. So not only are we to care about the secondary characters, we are supposed to care about their mother’s mother? Bah.

One good thing about being stuck in the basement watching television, I missed answering the doorbell. It happened to be some Jehovah’s Witnesses. Thank you, Gilmore Girls. You saved me from having to fake being polite.

My wife is watching House in the other room. I wish I were watching House. Someone just coughed HIV infected blood on a doctor. Compare that to the Gilmore Girls, where nothing of any importance is happening.

There were two weddings so the grandmother wouldn’t know that they weren’t actually Buddhist. There were also two wedding receptions. It’s like a sitcom without the humor. Just like According to Jim.

13 is wearing a curtain instead of a dress. She seems to think it is dress. I think everyone else is too polite to say anything to her. Like the emperor and his new clothing.

Bland is making a drunken toast and ruining the reception. She is sad because Luke keeps pushing her own wedding back. They didn’t explain that this episode. I know it from watching previous episodes. I wonder if I can live after I cut off my own head.