Living With Fran stars Fran Drescher, who tricked someone into giving her another show. Can you sell your soul to the Devil more than once? It seems like he would have plenty of accountants at his disposal to check for such things.

In the show Fran, 48, is dating Ryan, who is a four years older than me. That makes me want to cry. The FCC fines CBS for Janet Jackson’s boob, yet this disgusting assault on all of our senses is allowed to go on without hindrance.

Do you know what happened to Fran Dresher’s voice with age? It got worse. Don’t ask me how. I don’t have a double major in physics and astrophysics.

I wanted to skip out on watching this show, because it is the 4th of July weekend and I am left deeply scared by Rugrats in Paris: The Movie. My wife kept me on track. Boy, will she be surprised when I turn into the Hulk and smash our house down.

Fran’s son and her boyfriend’s sister got married after a drunken night of stupidity. How wacky! How is Dan Aykroyd involved in this? I don’t know, but he is.

This is possibly the worst night of TV I have experienced in my three months of being forced to do whatever you people say. Have a nice and enjoyable weekend, jerks.

Rugrats in Paris: The Movie is the first full movie I have been made to watch here on Make Me Watch TV. What does that say about our relationship?

The movie starts off with a Godfather parody. Grandpa Pickles just got married, and little Chuckie’s mother is gone. Did he ever have a mother? I can’t remember anything from 1991.

Chuckie’s dad is using the internet to find a date. They are hitting the “my wife is dead” thing pretty hard for a children’s movie. Maybe he hit his wife pretty hard with a knife, and that is why this whole thing is taking place.

In a case of misheard international phone conversation babble, Mr. Pickles and his family are off to Paris. They need to get to Paris as fast as possible, so they can get into wild situations. Wild situations life wife murder? We’ll have to wait and see.

This is the type of children’s movie that parents loath taking their children to. Probably. There is nothing in here that an adult would enjoy, if their brain isn’t being starved of oxygen. Always sneak beer into the theater.

Even with commercials, this movie only lasts for an hour and a half. And that is with plenty of musical interludes thrown in too. In the fantastic fashion of Kidz Bop CDs, the babies played by adults sing songs in baby voices. For shame, Mark Mothersbaugh. For shame.

Of course they took their dog to Paris. Of course it got loose. Of course they played “Who Let The Dogs Out?”

The head of the Japanese amusement park in France needs to find a man to marry her so she can prove to her boss that she is ready to take over the park when he retires. Guess who that will be! A baby! I mean, that lonely guy. Not Jerry Lewis.

The characters in this cartoon are all so ugly! What terrible looking art! It makes me want to throw up this delicious ice cream bar.

We can stop the parodies of “It’s A Small World” anytime now. You hear that, writers?

This movie isn’t even trying to teach kids lessons! Sure, there are lots of poop and booger jokes. There is more to life than poop and boogers.

A Lady and the Tramp parody. In a cartoon movie. With dogs. Why would you even bother?

It’s hard to write about this movie. It makes me so angry. If it were a traveling vagabond with no family, I would chop it into pieces and bury it in the backyard.

I forgot how many cereal commercials were on during children’s programming. Cartoon mascots sure like to push Lucky Charms, Coco Puffs, and Coco Pebbles. 6 year olds don’t generally watch Lost and Resuce Me, I gather.

The kids are doing something to stop some wedding with some giant robot. If I were to swallow lava, would I die before I got a mouthful, or would it make it to my stomach before is blistered and boiled?

I hate everybody in the world.

Tonight marks the first in a line of Celebriry Remotes, where I have gone out an asked celebrities to plan a night of TV viewing for me.

Our first celebrity is none other than the internet’s favorite indie rapper son, MC Frontalot. To find out what MC Frontalot is all about, visit his website and listen to his library of MP3s. While you are there, make sure to check out his shirts and CDs. Internet people have to eat too, after all.

MC Frontalot really threw down the glove for all the other celebrities to come. Click here to read the schedule he has planned for me tonight. If I can make it through this evening without a brain hemorrhage, I’ll be sitting pretty.

Once again, many thanks to MC Frontalot for agreeing to be the first Celebrity Remote. And now, on with the torture.

We start out by switching between the 100 Most Shocking Moments in Rock & Roll and Shocking Behavior Caught on Tape, spending no more than three minutes on each show. Whoops, it looks like VH1 pulled a switcheroo, and we are now watching VH1 and Blender Present: 40 Hottest Rock Star Girlfriends and Wives. Hmmm, I think there has been some sort of mistake. I should have checked the schedule before I posted it. One second here. Oh, by the way, there are lots of big breasted women. That makes up the entire list.

To stay within the spirit of the MC Frontalot schedule, and since Shocking Behavior Caught on Tape isn’t on either, we’ll be switching between Ultimate Super Heroes, Vixens and Villains. Hey, there is Austin Powers. I wouldn’t say he was a super hero, would you? James Bond wasn’t a super hero. Isn’t it funny how Bravo is turning into VH1 slowly but surely? There is The Tick. That’s a super hero alright. Whoops, three minutes. Time to switch. Oh no, commercials on each station! What’s a simple boy to do?

Continue reading Celebrity Remote: MC Frontalot…

It is hard to tell if One Tree Hill is worse than 7th Heaven. It seems like you are keen on the idea of me finding that out.

Girlfriend of “waiting for marriage” guy slept with the town ass last episode. Boyfriend walked in on them. Now we get to see the aftermath. Not get to, have to.

How can a show be like The OC, except worse? The OC is pretty bad to start with. This show is like surviving a small twin engine plane crash, and then getting out and falling into a tar pit.

How can all of the girls in school be cheerleaders? Is it part of the “everyone is a winner” mindset that is so popular these days?

It’s the first game day of the season, and everyone is worried about the loose girl missing school. “She lives for the first game day of the season.” That is a noble cause to live for.

Loose girl is feeling bad, so she is eating a whole cake. Why would you write that into the script? How close to the script’s deadline must you be to throw in something so trite?

I don’t care about your high school basketball game, I don’t care about your high school relationships, I don’t care about your high school goals and ambitions. What is left in this show to make me care? The one dimensional parents? Nope.

Why were there signs in my middle school gym that said “No Dunking?” Was that really an issue?

The Ravens lost their first basketball game of the years. This is the saddest day there ever was!

Who knew there were so many loose ends to wrap up? The conclusion to this episode has been going on for five minutes.

Uh oh, I think the show knew I was talking about it. It ended.

Come back tomorrow night to see my heart explode from trying to follow MC Frontalot’s insane schedule!

Why would you vote for the rerun of America’s Got Talent and not the new episode next hour? Not that it matters, as I haven’t seen this show yet. It just seems like you have a few things to work through. It’s okay, no one is judging you.

Do you know that tasty crust that sticks to the bottom of the pan after you sear your roast? This show is that crust. It’s that left over stuff that you make into gravy to pour over the meal, it is not the meal itself. This show is nothing but a tasty sauce.

Is it really worth the effort to make fun of David Hasselhoff anymore? It seems like it has all been done. Talking car. Baywatch. Germany. Yep, there is nothing left.

The first “talent” up is a professional finger snapper. He is a better man than me. I can’t even get my left hand to snap. It’s as useless as a flipper.

I think there should be a “?” after America’s Got Talent?

Out of new ideas? Use addition! Hiphop + acapella = Hiphopcapella. No no no, guys. Do you see that both of your words contain a “p?” It should be hiphopella. You need to take a class on combining words. I think they have those courses at Fast Food University.

There were two pirates and a dancing pony. Oddly enough, it was terrible.

Some people are scared of clowns, I’m scared of ventriloquist. Let’s leave it at that, while I padlock my eyes shut.

The judges seem really excited about a sub-par 14 year old singer. Good for them. It’s nice that they can find happiness in muck.

The bird trainer is getting testy with the judges. You are made to perform in a zoo, not on television. You entertain children while their parents rest on a bench. Know and accept your place in life, and you’ll be happy. Or, at least, I’ll be happy, because I will never see you.

Impersonators are a waste of air. You shouldn’t breath in if you’re going to spit out someone else’s voice. Or try to. If you have to start your impression with, “Hey, I’m Arnold Schwarzenegger,” that’s a tip that you aren’t an impersonator.

Tonight’s episode of Last Comic Standing is sponsored by my wife. Hooray, now I can eat lunch tomorrow!

I haven’t seen this show past the first three episodes, which I watched by choice. While you folks were making me watch Veronica Mars, my other half was watching Last Comic Standing. I’ve missed the comics getting picked for the house, and having their first competition.

As a reward for everyone still around, they get belly dancers and snakes. Snakes on a Belly Dancer! Bah, I was already sick of that sentence before I wrote it.

The comics don’t live in a house, they live on the Queen Mary. The Queen Mary is a cruise ship.

Their challenge today is to do a one minute comedy routine on Adam Corolla’s. The comedy routine must be based on the magazine they draw at random. These magazines ranged from “Latina Weddings” to “Weapons of Death.”

Wow, these comedians can’t improv. It’s interesting how the skills just don’t transfer over sometimes. What a terrible and unfunny challenge. For punishment, they have to go back to the cruise liner.

The comics meet in the boiler room of the Queen Mary to decide who has to perform in front of a live audience that night. Three people are chosen, and the two losers have to go home. The unfunny girl that won immunity will never ever vote for a girl, she said. That’s a nice elementary school attitude she has.

There was a four way tie, so four people will perform and two losers will go home. Some of the funnier people are performing. Funnier three episodes ago. Who knows where they are in their comedy stylings now.

Joey Gay is talking…scratch that…screaming about his last name and his older sisters Also, there was an unpleasant amount of talk about his sisters cycling at the same time, since they lived together. Not on bicycles, mind you. Not so funny.

Chris Porter is on next. He has a good sense of comic timing. It’s very natural and almost casual. That works better when telling others about your intimate life, in comparison to yelling about it.

Bill Dwyer takes the stage next. He seemed polished but not special. Jokes about kids and computers. Next.

Uh oh, some lady is next. I didn’t catch her name. I will call her “Unfunny Lady.” Unfunny Lady was not funny.

No one was very fantastic. Not even during the other parts of the show by accident. If you have the word “comic” in your title, you had better bring your A game. If you do not “bring it,” people like me can make fun of your name. Like, Last Comic Notwithstanding! Oh yeah, I went there.

Bill Dwyer left with the lowest number of votes. Chris Porter was the audience favorite. Hooray! The only guy I kind of sort of liked. Joey Gay goes home and Unfunny Lady stays. I am ambivalent about that.

Sigh. What a poor night of television. Thanks so much, network executives.

I’m in a good mood today, so I will pretend that you are making me watch Gilmore Girls because you love the fan fiction I write about Bland and her daughter 13. Without further ado, here come the Gilmore Girls.

Bland has altered, or bought a new wedding dress, for some secondary character’s wedding. Their wedding is tomorrow, and the character’s mother is of an old fashioned attitude. A woman of Bland’s age can not attend the wedding alone. It screams “tramp,” as the writing of the show says. Golly, will this whole episode be about secondary characters? I hope not, because I don’t have nicknames for these people yet!

The dialog in this show would send David Mamet into a boredom coma. This isn’t how people talk. It isn’t just the missing swear words that are the problem. There is nothing natural about the conversations on Gilmore Girls. It is like a dog with a turtle growing out of its spine. That is not natural.

It seems like all of the girls in town are on secondary character’s bachelorette party. It isn’t going so well because they missed seeing Richard Gere’s John Popper. I say it makes the party better, but to each their own.

With the bachelorette party just a small plotline, we are on to the “wacky” Buddhist wedding. Look at how different they are from us! Can you believe it? Mother and grandmother spent the whole time fighting in another room. So not only are we to care about the secondary characters, we are supposed to care about their mother’s mother? Bah.

One good thing about being stuck in the basement watching television, I missed answering the doorbell. It happened to be some Jehovah’s Witnesses. Thank you, Gilmore Girls. You saved me from having to fake being polite.

My wife is watching House in the other room. I wish I were watching House. Someone just coughed HIV infected blood on a doctor. Compare that to the Gilmore Girls, where nothing of any importance is happening.

There were two weddings so the grandmother wouldn’t know that they weren’t actually Buddhist. There were also two wedding receptions. It’s like a sitcom without the humor. Just like According to Jim.

13 is wearing a curtain instead of a dress. She seems to think it is dress. I think everyone else is too polite to say anything to her. Like the emperor and his new clothing.

Bland is making a drunken toast and ruining the reception. She is sad because Luke keeps pushing her own wedding back. They didn’t explain that this episode. I know it from watching previous episodes. I wonder if I can live after I cut off my own head.

Coming to you this Thursday, the first in the continuing series that is Celebrity Remote. Our first button clicker is the founder of NERDCORE.HIPHOP. That’s right, boys and girls, the internet’s favorite lyricist, MC Frontalot.

Take a look at the instructions he has given me, as the MC attacks my remote control with mad beats. Mad beats? That can’t be right. MC Frontalot isn’t wack enough to have mad beats.

Regardless, feast your eyes on his brilliant and evil schedule below.

7:00-7:30

You must flip incessantly between “100 Most Shocking Moments in Rock & Roll” on VH-1 (52) and “Shocking Behavior Caught on Tape” on The WB (23). In the future when every single person on earth is a rock star, these will be THE EXACT SAME SHOW. For now, compare and contrast. Do not spend more than three minutes at a stretch watching either show. Use an egg timer.

7:30-8:00

You have three options! Watch the second half hour of whichever of the “Shocking” shows was trashier OR watch last night’s Colbert on Comedy Central (50). But if you do that, you have to flip back to the “Shocking” shows during the commercials.

8:00-8:30

Watch some “World Series of Poker” on ESPN (64). The first time someone folds a hand with a King or an Ace in it, switch to “The Lost Boys” on Bravo (42). If you have switched just in time to hear the sax solo in the night party scene, my apologies. That is a terrible sax solo. If on the other hand you are just in time to see Kiefer Southerland play the old Chinese food switcharoo, congratulations. That is the best scene in the movie. After Michael drinks the Chateu D’Blood, switch to “Ten Commandments” on The History Channel (38) and watch that until the half hour is up.

8:30-9:00

You get to watch The Office on NBC (11). You’re welcome. I assume it’s a rerun, so if you’ve already blogged about this episode go ahead and watch “Friendship Set to Music” on channel 19. I don’t know what that is, but I bet you’ve never seen a whole episode of it before.

SPECIAL EXTRA CREDIT
9:00-9:30

Watch the season premiere of “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” on FX (48). The first season was the bestest thing on basic cable. So I have high hopes.