I must have died and gone to hell, because here comes two hours of So You Think You Can Dance.

I will say that I am excited to see the street dancers. I am not excited to see Cat Deeley, this show’s Ryan Seacrest. I am also not excited to see any clowns “crunking.” I am not afraid of clowns. Just crunking clowns.

Do you know what American Idol is? Okay. This is the dancing American Idol. I’m not going to explain it again. Well, maybe once more.

One of the judges on this show was a choreographer for N*Sync. That was a while ago, dude. You might want to update your resume.

Oh lordy, the first ugly dancer keeps saying “sex.” He also wants to be nicknamed “Sex.” I forgot how terrible people are in the first round of auditions! Perhaps this two hours won’t be the pain opera that I assumed it would be. Awww, Sex doesn’t want to talk to the cameras about how he failed until he told his mother, whom he brought to the auditions. It’s like going to a twisted Baskin-Robbins where you get a triple scoop of disturbing.

Aww no you didn’t. Sex’s mom just called Pee-Wee Herman a “jackass.” Pee-Wee Herman got a bad rap. Watch Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure again and just try not to laugh. What am I doing? I’m defending Pee-Wee against Sex’s mom. I never thought I would write that sentence ever.

I love tap dancing too. In fact, one of my favorite movies is Singin’ in the Rain. Huh, I like more dance than I though. Shhhh, don’t tell anyone! I wouldn’t want this rumor spread on the internet or something.

Bees! Run! Bees! Hold on. Oh, the kid’s lips are just blown up like balloons. Maybe there are bees in his lips. There is certainly room. He is also wearing a fur coat to his audition. On top of that, he looks like what would happen if Paul Dinello got into a horrible car accident.

Wow, that Orthodox Jew hip hopper just slammed his face into the floor with all of his weight behind it.

Ahhhh, we’ve been sucked into the Black Lodge! Dancing midgets and red curtains! Agent Cooper, save me!

Hooray breakers! The upper body strength of these guys is amazing. The everything strength, actually. You need everything of steel to pull off those crazy moves.

Rosie O’Donnell wants to be a dancer? That was scary. She pulled down her pants and shook her pantied booty. Thanks, I have to see that when I close my eyes now.

Pop and lock! I forgot all about pop and lock! Not just the robot either. With pop and lock, you actually have to have some rhythm. With break dancers, you can be in a groove but not on the beat. In pop and lock, you need to hit the beats hard.

My point was just proven. The break dancer couldn’t handle the choreography, and the pop and locker could. I am the smartest person ever!

The Hindu redneck looks like his shoulders are trying to run away from his knees. That’s a hard effect to pull off.

Oh no, ugly ugly popouts! Ladies, it’s called a sports bra. I know you’re street dancing, but you don’t want those puppies going for a walk without you.

Remember when I made fun of Marshall on Alias for having a big head? I take that back. This alcoholic has a giant forehead! Heck, he could fit two of Marshall’s heads in his head! We’ll be seeing more of him. Apparently, he can do more than think he can dance.

That’s it for tonight. Don’t worry, though. There are more auditions coming up next week! I wouldn’t mind watching them.