Oprah Winfrey’s Legends Ball started when Oprah forgot to invite some actress to a party. Then she thought of another old actress she forgot. And then another actress, then an author, a poet, a singer, and on and on and on. These are all black women that inspired Oprah in one way or another. She calls them Legends. Are you piecing together the title of the show yet?

Not only do we get to see the ball, we get to see Oprah put every decadent piece together bit by bit. From the menu to the invitations that are as big as a picture book to the layout of her grounds that is as big as a golf course to seating charts to whatever.

Once I threw a party where I had six frozen pizzas and a cooler full of Crystal Pepsi!

Oprah Tip #1: Drink Champaign 10 minutes before your guests arrive. You hear that, everyone in AA? Oprah commands it!

Oprah claims that everything she is doing is to honor the Legends. That isn’t what the first 10 minutes of the show tells me, as Oprah shows off what lengths she went through to set up a party.

“As I was building this bridge in the back of my house,” said Oprah, who is full of it. You don’t believe me? Show me the blisters, Oprah. Show me a picture of you building that stone bridge.

It’s a party, Oprah. An expensive party. She is playing it off like it is an important piece of history. Granted, most of these women have done a lot to earn their own place in history. The “event” itself is not historical. It’s poppycock.

Home Movies has an episode where they are making a movie called Movie History so that they can say they are making Movie History. This seems a lot like that.

Oprah says “poem” so it sounds like “poe-eim.” That’s weird.

After the luncheon, Oprah gave everyone diamond earrings. Oprah says “elegant” weird too.

Oprah had rebuilt a ballroom inside another ballroom, because the first ballroom wasn’t good enough. You see, in the first ballroom there wasn’t fabric on the wall, and the carpet was all wrong, and the chandeliers could not be raised or lowered at will. Oh Oprah, you’ll be the death of us all, you crazy little scamp!

Oddly enough, Michael MacDonald plays the ball. You can’t get much whiter than Michael MacDonald. Yes, he sings Motown. He also plays an organ and never goes out into the sun. He might as well be the bad guy in The Da Vinci Code.

Next came the gospel breakfast. They passed the mic around the audience and got the Legends to kick up and sing some gospel. As Oprah put it, “All the white folks were like ‘What is going on here?’” Ahh ha ha. Yeah, that sounds like white people. You see, right now I’m pretending to know what a gospel service is like. But I couldn’t possibly know.

That wasn’t a television show. Why would this be a thing that is on TV?