It’s time for more pointless fun with So You Think You Can Dance. Prepare to be amazed by good dancers and terrible dancers. Or, at least, prepare for me describing and making fun of them.

The prize for winning So You Think You Can Dance is a year contract to dance in Celine Dion’s Las Vegas show. I bet you think I’m going to make some remark about that not being a reward, but a punishment. I’m not going to do that though. Shows what you know.

There hasn’t been nearly enough shots of people falling down. You know we want it. Give it to us!

Some girl just made tap dancing look like the most boring thing in the world. She looked like she was really pretending to enjoy herself. Like she accidentally got knocked up, and is trying to pretend that having a baby is a lot of fun.

B-boys will get the horrible taste of tap girl out of my mouth. That didn’t come out right. Anyway, b-boys. B-boys! One of them did a flip where his legs were wiggling around like Luigi in Mario Bros 2. Why oh why hasn’t someone come up with a breakdancing competition show yet? Maybe they have and I am simply ignorant. That is entirely possible.

Have you ever seen really bad interpretive dance? You can’t plan it, you need to come upon it accidentally. If you do, treasure that moment. It will be the most hilarious time you’ve had in your entire life.

The judges were really mean to a Japanese girl who just wanted to bring smiles to everybody. She was terrible, yeah. But how can you hate someone who’s favorite move is pointing?

What’s worse than armpit sweat? Belly button sweat. Ewwww! That thing isn’t even supposed to sweat, is it?

Los Angeles auditions are done. Tomorrow, it’s on to Chicago. The windy city. Did you know it isn’t called the windy city because of the weather? More on that tomorrow! Maybe.

MythBusters starts off a night of TV that doesn’t make me want to puke tacos into the open chest wound of a television producer.

This MythBusters episode puts a few movie myths to the test. Explosive decompression, pulling the axel out from under a car, and using a bullet as a truck fuse.

Yes, it’s true. I’ve seen this episode before. This should let me observe things I normally wouldn’t. Or slack off in my live blogging. I haven’t decided which route to take yet.

I’ll try and spend some of the episode calculating what makes this show so great.

Wacky hosts with unusual personalities? Check!
Always contains some sort of explosion? Check!
Science explained simply so we don’t have to think? Check!
Myth knowledge helps you win bets with your friends? Check!

At a glance, this show seems as fundamentally flawed as the celebrities-have-it-better-than-you shows. Each of these types of shows have people doing things that you will never get to do. Blowing up cars or pimping them, they make us jealous.

On the other hand, the MythBusters act like average guys. They’ve worked on Hollywood movies. They get to do all sorts of cool stuff. But they do not go “look at all the cool stuff we get to do.” They are sharing their experiences with us. It’s not a simple visit to their two story garage to see stalls upon stalls of classic cars. The MythBusters bring us long for their ride.

They also share their childlike delight in everything they do. They don’t lord their experiences over the viewing audience. And they don’t mumble.

The fellows just transformed a cop car into a remote control cop car. I could think of a few things to do with that. Thinking. Thinking. Huh, I guess I can’t think of anything fun to do with a remote control cop car. That must mean I’m not a criminal. Except for all of those drifters I murdered and stored in my attic. But that’s neither here nor there.

This show usually seems a bit longer than it needs to be. They do save the outcomes of their experiments for the last 15 minutes of the show. That leaves the first 45 minutes of the show for interesting filler. Sure, “filler” means “education” here. But it’s fun education. It’s not so bad. I could still do with less education. I can’t get none much smarter.

I like this show. It tricks me into thinking I’m learning something, and I get to see stuff explode. It’s like watching building implosions on FOX, but without the guilt of wasting your time watching FOX.

Thanks for not making me waste my time watching FOX.

Now it’s time to watch the second hour of the night. On FOX.

Surprisingly, after three months of being forced to watch TV, this is the first time I have had to watch Holy Rosary with Mother Angelica on EWTN.

A bunch of nuns are falling asleep and chanting some religious whatzit. They are lead by their fearless and big cheeked leader, Mother Angelica. She looks a bit like that dog on Tom and Jerry. I think his name was Spike.

I’m not sure what purpose this show serves, besides creeping me out. A blank room full of nuns sitting down and chanting at nothing in particular is all kinds of scary. Maybe one of them is Eric Idle in disguise! I sure hope so.

If a Catholic out there would like to explain what a holy rosary is, don’t bother. I really don’t care. That’s knowledge I don’t need. I never plan to be on Jeopardy or win any game of Trivial Pursuit.

If these nuns were looking right into the camera, I would swear they were trying to hypnotize me.

Oh no! Someone just got murdered! Just kidding. They are all still sitting there.

This does sort of explain how some people see Jesus in tacos and in an oil stain under a bridge. If you can stare at something and drone on like this for long enough, your eyes are bound to try and make up something more interesting to keep you from going insane.

Another thing about this “show,” there are multiple camera angles. Multiple camera angles! Do you understand me? There is nothing to see! There is nothing to hear! Why is there even one camera, let alone many cameras?

There are DVDs of this thing! They are trying to sell me a DVD! So I can watch it again and again!

There was an explosion! Will Mother Angelica be alive next episode? What a cliffhanger!

This is the second time this year that I have had to watch Full House. The show is an example of how sitcoms have not gone down hill in recent years. Sitcoms have been holding steady at terrible for a long time. You think According to Jim is bad? Admittedly, it is not any worse that Full House or Family Matters.

Tonight’s episode revolves around Michelle being afraid of a goat boy she saw in the tabloids, and Joey is having a charity hockey tournament against his college hockey rival. Joey and Michelle are both very torn up. Torn up by jackals? I’m afraid not.

A physical comedian, John Stamos ain’t. Any sort of comedian, actually. It would take much longer to name all the types of comedians he isn’t.

There is an episode of Judd Apatow’s Undeclared that makes a very good point about how terrible and unfunny imitations are. I would like to think that Dave Coulier was the inspiration for that episode. Don’t you just want to cut his face with a rusty razor every time he opens his mouth?

It’s about time to learn a lesson from this episode. I had better plug my ears and sing loudly, as I am opposed to learning anything from Full House.

We hate ourselves, and that is why VH1 gives us 20 Most Outrageous Celebrity Extravagances Ever.

Mick Jagger flew come floozy across the pond for a “booty call.” He accidentally made a baby too. Whoopsies. That booty call just become more expensive.

Bono had his favorite hat flown from London to Italy. It was flown to a fundraiser for some folks in Iraq. Why didn’t he just make a pirate hat out of a piece of paper? It’s very simple.

Wyclef pimped his Hummer with a shark tank. That would be a problem for me. I would get a ton of speeding tickets because I would think the sharks were chasing me.

This show goes too quickly. I have very little time to write witty comments before I have to learn how to spell some new celebrity’s name.

Mariah Carey had her dog sent cross country by limo to her video shoot. That’s 3000 miles of waste.

Bah, I’m done listing these things. Let me tell you about how we hate ourselves.

It isn’t enough to see how much more money celebrities have than us. There is a show to tell us how they don’t deserve their money. All we can do is sit here and watch it! Why aren’t we rioting in the streets and tipping over cars? Rioting after a sports victory is stupid! Not rioting after watching 20 Most Outrageous Celebrity Extravagances Ever is stupider.

I have a feeling that people are far more resistant to torture these days. You can’t get training this good in the army. We have been tricked into forcing ourselves to watch these terrible shows on TV about terrible people. Do we want to be them or do want to beat them? It’s hard to tell some times.

I’m beyond being upset with this show and its celebrities. If it upsets me, it wins. I’m going to show no emotion at all.

Just when I think I’m about to lose my cool, my wife walks in with an ice cream sandwich. I think I can make it through the show now!

There are now about 10 different cell phone commercials on during each commercial break.

I’ve gone numb. That is probably what you want to do in these cases of extreme punishment. I don’t feel anything anymore.

In a fine enough way to end this week, we have My Gym Partner Is a Monkey.

The reason that Adam goes to an all animal school is because his last name is Animal. That’s a simple mistake. I am sure there is a form to straighten this all out.

Adam found out his rhinoceros teacher is in love, so he read a book on animal mating, and is now trying to teach him the ins and outs of mating. Gross and awesome!

Why does a spineless rhino love a Rastafarian elephant? Furthermore, why is the elephant Rastafarian?

And the half episode ends with the monkey eating “rhino pie.”

So many whys.

In the second episode, Adam is having a really bad day. His nose got bonked, he has a pimple, he is all muddy, and his pants ripped. And now a nature documentary maker is coming to the school.

So while all the animals are trying to look good, Adam is out of luck. This smells a lot like the That’s So Raven episode I was forced to watch. Everyone is trying to impress the TV maker.

Adam is mistaken for an animal. Yada yada yada. The documentary wins some award and everyone sees him naked.

Surprisingly, this was a much better show than Reba. Much much better. I don’t think I can say “much” enough here.

Have a good Memorial Day weekend, everybody. Unless you are in a country that isn’t America. Then, hey. How are you doing?

Tonight I inject the 95th episode of Reba straight through my eyes and into my brain.

Reba looks more like a grandmother than I could have imagined. In this episode, Reba has taken a bunch of hurricane victims into her home. Let the situation commence.

Reba has a stupid friend. She started a campaign for “Save the Dogs” which she likes to call STD. Get it? Now, since all of the hurricane victims are black, she is acting black. Ha ha ha. Ohhh, stupid redneck sidekick. What won’t you do?

It’s hard to say anything about this show. I think it’s sucking all the oxygen out of my skull. I can’t seem to form a proper thought. The show is just so…so…spluragh! There we are. Only a made up word can describe this show. It is so very spluragh.

The characters are paper thin, the dialogue is a shiny balloon with nothing inside, and the plot is the sand in between your toes at the beach. You know, spluragh.

I have nothing else for you. It was just a terrible show. How has Reba been on TV so long? Is it the same reason that Blue Collar TV and NASCAR are still “popular?”

If I weren’t getting joy from eating Doritos Taco chips, I would be kicking tiny animals right now. Tiny animals need to get on their knees and thank Frito Lay, Inc.

Gary Busey just snapped some Suit’s neck in a restaurant, starting off this episode of Walker, Texas Ranger. How will Walker follow that up? By volunteering at the Special Olympics with Dion Sanders. You can’t get more juxtaposed than that.

Oh no, you won’t win a race by stopping to help someone who falls over for no reason. This episode has already taught me so much!

If you note the title of this episode, it is “special” witness. Will I be able to watch this whole episode without saying “retarded?” Whoops, I just failed.

Oh, I should get a beer ready. Otherwise, I won’t be prepared to drink when I see a roundhouse kick to the head.

Gary Busey is a killer for hire who loves milk. That seems very similar to The Professional. He probably won’t have a confusing love relationship with a young Natalie Portman.

Oh no! Gary Buesy is dressed up as a priest! Here comes the killing right in front of the “special” girl. There was some roundhouse kicking, but it wasn’t done by Chuck Norris. I don’t know how Chuck Norris is going to feel about that.

Sloppy ol’ Gary Buesy. He didn’t finish the job. Probably because he didn’t have enough calcium in his system. Calcium gives him super powers, I have decided.

Gary Buesy said “retarded,” not me. That means it is okay for me to use it without quotation marks. Looks like his employer wants Gary Buesy to kill the retarded girl. Is it wrong to want to see that happen?

Carlos, Walker’s friend, just punched his hand through the dry wall at a hospital. That is terribly unproductive.

Chuck Norris looks like a monkey. Not as much as Ron Perlman does, but still pretty close.

Wow, Retarded Girl did a fantastic job with the police sketch artist. That looks just like Gary Buesy. Maybe she really is special.

There is a very liberal use of slow motion in this show. Not the “favoring proposals for reform, open to new ideas for progress, and tolerant of the ideas and behavior of others” kind of liberal. That would be weird. I would like to see a proposal to push a bill for more slow motion through congress.

Walker is walking…is that right? That sounds funny. Anyway, Walker is walking into a rough bar. There must certainly be a roundhouse kick to the head coming.

1….wow, I didn’t have to count that high. Only 1 roundhouse kick to the head? This show is not living up to its reputation.

Dave Attell’s words come true! It is always the joggers that find the dead bodies. The body? The police sketch artist. Killed with a single stab wound to the chest. There is lots of stabbing this episode, but very few kicks to the head.

2! 3! 4! 4 roundhouse kicks to the head! I feel like the count from Sesame Street. Ah ah ah! Gary Buesy went down. Done in by Retarded Girl’s excellent memory and cheetah like speed.

Oh man, there is a “Walkerthon” this Memorial Day. I’m so glad that I’m taking Memorial Day off.

Justice was served, roundhouse kicks were received, beer was drunk. What more could you ask from an hour of cable television reruns?