Veronica Mars may be the best show ever! “You have Chlamydia,” is what the doctor told Veronica Mars. That is the first sentence of the show. Now they just cancelled prom! Life can not get worse for Veronica! Unless something happens to her father.

And so Veronica’s father is taking a dead body to the hospital in his passenger seat. Keith! His name is Keith! Not the dead body. The dead body is some nameless girl.

Some car is stalking someone in Veronica’s school. Veronica is on the case! Maybe she should solve the “who gave me Chlamydia” case first. Veronica is lying to her father about the Chlamydia. Really, who would not lie to their father about Chlamydia. Except for father Christmas. He already knows everything. I guess Veronica’s stocking has already been stuffed. Wait, that was wrong of me.

The person stalking Veronica’s friend is one of Veronica’s old boyfriends. See, I know jack about this show, but I am catching on right away. We are only 8 minutes into the show too! Hot damn!

The rich kids are throwing their own prom now. There will be a lot of booze. Aaaaaaaand trouble! Last time there was a drunken party on Veronica Mars, someone got raped. Seriously.

Veronica’s dad got in the paper for the dead body. You can not get away with that. Especially when you are doing jobs for Steve Guttenberg. Wait, Steve Guttenberg? How is he still getting work?

I guess the dead body was actually just a very drunk body. You must be very drunk if I think you are dead.

Veronica is totally figuring out who the stalker is. I must need to get used to the pacing of this show. I want them to figure out the big mystery of the bus that exploded, but the Mars family is only figuring out smaller cases. While they are interesting, they just are not buses blowing up.

Uh oh, the nerds found out about the rich kids prom. Nobody will learn a lesson here. The rich kids will not learn about what it is like to be a nerd, and the nerds will not get that the rich kids do not want them there.

Does anyone else miss the days of microfiche?

Veronica’s cell phone is huge! It looks like she is holding a notepad to her ear. It is not like the RAZR phones they use on House, M.D.

It turns out the janitor has been stalking Veronica’s friend. Now she is alone with him in his closet. The janitor closet. Until Veronica broke up the fun.

Keith does not get any respect from the local law office. He seems to help a lot of people. Why must there always be war between the different law enforcement factions? Private eyes and police should get along. Maybe they would have more respect for the profession if they watched Who Framed Roger Rabbit? together.

Mike Doughty and his “born again” album does not seem like the best background music to a drunken non-prom. Soul Coughing, sure. Maybe that is just me. At least it is not the song where he sings with Dave Matthews.

Young, rich, and drunken Logan was putting his best moves on Veronica. Failure! Maybe Veronica did not want to pass on the Chlamydia.

Veronica came back to rich dude’s penthouse in the morning. She is giving a heartfelt speech. Of course, there is probably a drunken girl in there with him. Yep, surprise! Not surprise. That was sarcastic.

The end! Stay tuned next week for a new episode starring your favorite clap trap!

For the third time, a Tuesday night brings me to the Gilmore Girls. I can still count my viewings of this show on one hand. Just wait until I need to unglove my other hand to count. You do not want to see what happens when the gloves come off.

I have not made fun of the theme song yet! I did not pay much attention to it, so I can not go into specifics. Suffice it to say, it is stupid. Naw, that was a lame comment. I will come up with something better later. Or next week, if I have to watch this cursed show again.

13, the college age girl who looks like she is 13, has shown up at a hospital because her boyfriend, Logan, is in serious but stable condition. There was a lot of talking. I mean way too much talking. I do not think these Gilmore girls understand that you need to stop talking sometimes to get information in return. It is called a conversation.

Bland, 13′s mother, has shown up in this episode for the firs time. Her fiancé, Luke, is throwing a birthday party for the daughter he just found out he had. That will cause a lot of tension. In the bizzaro world of the Gilmore Girls, tensions does not equate awkward silences. It means running your motor mouth without an end in sight. Do they not know how much gas costs these days?

It think this talking thing is infectious. They infect all those around them with their fast talking disease. We need to stop these Gilmore girls now, before the whole country falls to the disease.

The hospital set looks like a cheap motel lobby. You can probably rent the hospital rooms by the hour, if you would like to wet your willy.

Man oh man! There is such a thing as comic timing, Gilmore Girls! If all the talking and jokes are paced with exactly the same speed and inflection, people are not going to laugh. That is, assuming that these pop culture references are supposed to be funny.

Half way through the episode, it is time for the awkward birthday party. Oh Luke, you laid the smack down on the girls. You can not be a fun dad if you put down so many rules for a party. Hold on a second, this is the second show with a birthday party I have seen this week!

Logan, who is laid up in a hospital bed and on many drugs, is talking fast. This disease does not take a breath! We are not safe! Perhaps a bomb shelter could save us all.

Luke is failing terribly at throwing a birthday party. He needs Bland to come save him. He needs Bland? That is trouble.

Aww, how can I dislike a show where two stupid 13 year old girls give each other a terrible high five because they get to have makeovers?

The real 13 just left a really harsh message on Logan’s father’s answering machine! Wow, it is tough yelling at a machine. Good work.

There is a lot of girly talk going on. I am zoning out. Sorry. I hear “Lipsmackers” and my eyes roll back in my head.

I would invent a drinking game for this show, if I could focus on anything that they were saying.

I think this show is on pace to be as bad as Ghost Whisperer. At least with Ghost Whisperer, I can focus enough hatred towards Jennifer Love Hewitt. Here, I do not know who to hate the most.

This episode of The New Adventures of Old Christine is sponsored by Melissa Leach. She has made a lot of paintballers angry by sponsoring this show, just like Corey did last week. Let us hope it is worth the anger.

The opening was okay. I have not laughed yet. The laugh track took care of that for me. Maybe it was so hilarious that I forgot to laugh. Let us check the webcam. Nope, no laughter. Maybe I am sick.

Sitcoms are full of jokes that are not jokes. Example. “Wow, that is weird. How did that happen?” “Let’s just say I (insert a vague answer here)!” Laugh track.

Christine, I am assuming that Julia Louis-Dreyfus is Christine, is trying to throw a really cool party for her son. She is trying to outdo the other parents while on a small budget. Outdo the other rich parents. The rich kids are talking down to her. There is your situation that causes comedy.

I want to like this show, but it has not been funny so far. It is not as blatantly terrible as Two and a Half Man, but it is not even close to something original and different. That would be fine, if it was filled with smart dialogue and characters. Guess if it is filled with smart dialogue and characters! Go on, guess! You will probably guess right.

Christine threw a great birthday party by accident. But now the kids at school nicknamed her kid “Poor Kid.” Money does not buy clever nicknames. When I was in high school, I nicknamed myself. That was stupid of me. Maybe I am sick.

Now the show is a lesson about nicknames. In fact, Christine went into her son’s classroom to teach them about how nicknames are hurtful. They were not even trying to disguise the lesson as something else. They should at least try and trick us into learning.

That is basically the end of the show. They will probably have some quick joke or wrap-up squished to the side while the credits are playing. Let us see!

Awww nuts, no credits while the end played. My bad call.

Wait, I still did not laugh this whole episode! Damn, this must have been a bad show. Rats.

Chappelle’s Show is the first non-South Park Comedy Central show I have been forced to watch so far. I enjoy this show. Sometimes. Will I enjoy it tonight, or will I rip on it? Read on!

It is surprising how often this show is played! There have not been any new episodes in a long time, so they have been playing the exact same shows over and over again. It worked for Family Guy on Cartoon Network, so why not?

Oh man, this is an old one. It is the Roots parody episode. While it is very funny sketch, it is also a very old one. This show does not get funnier with each watching. The Roots sketch was a fun surprise the first time. After the fun shock wears off, there is nothing more to enjoy about it.

More hit and miss comedy from a hidden camera prank sketch. That is something I could see at a high school sketch show. Come on, Dave Chappelle. Dig out something good this episode! I hope there is more than just the “here are some rappers I know” segment left.

Yet another parody, this time of It’s A Wonderful Life mixed with boobs. Sigh. Parody is usually pretty funny. Have I finally outgrown parody? That does not seem possible. It must be other people that are wrong. Of course, I am not the problem.

Before tonight, I always though the show was called The Chappelle Show, not Chappelle’s Show. Live and learn.

Now a MC is busting some rhymes. He is all Kevin Costner in The Untouchables on these phat rhymes. Probably.

Meh. The end.

Prison Break saved me from another terrible viewing of 7th Heaven tonight. It starts off with a truck accident. Someone fell out of the prison truck. Someone tried to smother the guy in the prison truck. Someone knocked out the guy who tried to smother the guy from the prison truck. Kind of makes you wish I knew the names of characters, huh?

Did you know that it is TV Turnoff week? I should be out SK8ING with my pals right now!

It appears that the big crazy man, from the first couple of episodes, is back. He is also a born again Christian now. This puts a damper on the whole breaking out of prison scheme.

I will assume the prisoner from the earlier crash was the fellow on death row. Now he is on the run. A fugitive, if you will. The fugitive. He is no David Janssen though. Or Harrison Ford. Or Timothy Daly. Actually, he probably is a Timothy Daly.

Oh yeah, I forgot that everyone talks in whispers on this show. Less is more sometimes. Less is not more all the time.

A young fellow just got it up the poop shoot from an old fat man who looks like a drunken Sean Connery. There has been a surprisingly small amount of rear entrance action for a show that takes place in prison. Not that I want to see more of it. Just an observation. Not that I am observing it.

Now the guy who beat up the other guy who was trying to kill the fugitive, he is the fugitive’s father. I know, because the fugitive saw him, and he whispers, “Dad?” He whispered really good. It sounded just like a whisper.

Oh no! His dad worked for the same guys the fugitive pissed off. Now they are pissed off at both of them. I have a feeling the guy who tried to smother the fugitive is one of those mystery pissed off guys. They might not be mysterious. I do not know who they are though. They are a mystery to me.

Ooooh, young guy might have just castrated creepy Sean Connery. There was screaming and birds flying away from the screaming. Hey, screaming! That is not whispering!

Things seem to be getting done this episode. There is a lot of plot that I am not following. It is probably really good and interesting. I am concentrating more on calling people “guy” this and “guy” that. That also means I have not had time to concentrate on the women. Believe it or not, they are more boring than the depressed prisoners in matching outfits.

There is a huge wound on the fugitive’s head. You think his dad would have done something about that. He probably is not a very good parent. Wounds cause gangrene. Now the fugitive is caught again. That was a fun part of an episode. Now it is back to breaking out of prison. The show is not called We Should All Run Away From Prison Now, after all.

One nice thing about this show, it is very easy to tell the difference between the inmates and the guards. So there is something positive for you.

Tattoo guy wants to bring the young Sean Connery ball cutter into the prison break inner circle. You can always use a ball cutter in your inner circle. Whenever I ask if anyone will cut some balls for me, everyone is suddenly interested with the top of their shoes. We need more ball cutters in this day and age.

Aw no! Ball cutter told the prison guard on Tattoo! Now it will be even harder to escape from prison! Good ball cutters are hard to find.

What is that you said? You wanted me to rip on Two and a Half Men and Alias some more? Then come one, come all, to my weekly TV watching wrapup! It is episode two. Wow, episode two. How far we have come! I could not have done it without all of you! You are the wind beneath my wings!

On tonight’s menu, Rachael Ray’s Tasty Travels is sponsored by Jessica Beek for Cats on the Web.

Much like Jennifer Garner, I can not help but think that Rachael Ray’s head is full of air. It seems like any shiny object might distract her. Maybe I will be proven wrong tonight.

In this episode, Rachael is visiting Trinidad, Tobago. A quick Google search tells me that Tobago is an island in the Caribbean.

The folks in Trinidad do not accept US dollars. Why should they? If I lived in Trinidad, I would only accept parachutes as currency. Heck, I live in a tropical paradise. I do not need your dollars.

There is a lot of pan music in Trinidad. That is steal drum music. In fact, pan music originated in Trinidad. If Drumline has a sequel, it should involve steal drum players battling it out. There would be some people doing flips in there as well. That is probably more Bring It On, but I do not care. I want some damn flips while playing steal drums!

From what I have learned so far, Trinidad has a punch of different cooking styles, all with a Caribbean twist. I would like them to try lutefisk with a Caribbean twist. They had better not just add coconut, lime, and spices. That seems too easy.

I hope I am not giving away too many spoilers from this episode.

If you like birds and eating, there is a buffet up in a bird sanctuary on the island that is perfect for you! Buffets might be the saddest thing in the world. I will have to run some more tests to confirm that, but I think I am right.

Oh man, this is the third or fourth commercial. This show does not really have the driving plot to keep me interested through all of these breaks.

We are supposed to discover the timeless beauty of Moen faucets. The timeless beauty of a faucet? That seems a bit asinine.

Rachael Ray moves like a marionette. Maybe that is what I have always found so disturbing.

Trinidad is also known for drinking. Lots and lots of drinking. The show advises that, if you want a great drink, drive 20 minutes out of town and…drive 20 minutes? Pass.

That’s it, everybody! Another week is gone! See me back here Monday morning for the weekly wrap-up in podcast form!

My Gym Partner Is a Monkey is going to hit my ocular receptacles this evening. Unlike Powerpuff Girls and SpongeBob SquarePants, I have never seen this cartoon before.

The show stars a human named Adam, who goes to a school of animals.

There was a sign on the school that said “Seal Club Meeting Thursday.” That is fantastic!

Adam is having a birthday party with his human friends. He is embarrassed that his animal friends showed up. If your animal friends can talk, they should be welcome anywhere.

There is a spider that has been crawling around my computer room here for a couple of days. He can not talk. If he could, I would give him directions to some juicy flies. Alas, he just keeps crawling around, forever lost. Even Odysseus had a destination.

Adam is trying to keep all of his animals friends in the closet. The same homophobics who tried to get SpongeBob taken off the air will probably have something to say about this episode.

In the second 15 minute piece, everyone at the animal school is scared of the new koala girl. A girl who is a koala. This did not occur because of a radioactive accident. Wait, these animals can talk. Something is seriously wrong here. Can anyone else hear these animals talk, or is it just me? Is it a gift?

The koala girl is really annoying. Hemophiliac hippie annoying. If you make an annoying scale, “hemophiliac hippie” would be at the top.

Ugh, “___ is the new ___” needs to end. No one say “this is the new that” ever again. Please. Become a police officer just so you can ticket people who say that.

That was not a terrible half hour. I laughed a few times, and waxed philosophical at other times. It worked out all around!